I guess I will start with a brief summary of my anxious life. I have always felt anxious and depressed for as long as I can remember. After having my first child in 1991, I knew I had to go to work to help us (my hubby, daughter and I) have the life that we wanted. So, after a few short job experiences I landed a good job at a bank. While working one night I had a horrible panic/anxiety attack, thought I was dying, having a heart attack or something. I set down my headset and immediately went to my supervisor, I told him that I was experiencing something bad. He sent me to the nurse. She made me call my family dr. and told me to leave right then. I was completely freaked out. I refused to roll down my windows, even though it was a beautiful day outside, this I remember....funny, I can't remember alot. I did get to the dr. ok, and for about 6 months he took care of me, paxil, zoloft, and prozac were among the few meds tried at first. Then he told me he couldn't handle me anymore, all this time I was on short term disability. So he refered me to a horrific dr. I had expressed to her that there are times I feel suicidal, but haven't acted on them in the past couple years....I had tried to commit suicide in the past. She immediately stood up and told me if I didn't commit myself to the mental hospital that she would, and I have no say in it. This was 1995...I spent 5 days in the hospital didn't see the dr. the entire time. On the 5th day, I was told I could sign out AMA, so I did. The dr. called me and told me if I ever told anyone that I wanted to commit suicide again, that she would immediately commit me...I never saw her again. So, now I am seeing another psych..he has been great. Although, I have had a couple suicide attempts, self injury, mania, depression, he always would make it better for a short time. I have still decided to stay with the same dr. as I don't want to start all over.
Ok, that got longer than I expected. On April 1, 2008 I was at the supermarket with my 2 boys, (11 and 12) I was at the pharmacy picking up my meds. Next thing I know I was waking up in an ambulance only long enough for her to tell me, my boys were ok. My daughter was at home. I don't remember ever being in the ER, I was told that I had a seizure and coded while they were doing testing on me. I believe it was an MRI. I remember waking up in the hospital. My EEG came back irregular, but they said it was the full brain and not a specific spot, which makes them believe it was from the Xanax I take. Apparently, (I don't remember) I was trying to make my meds last longer and had cut down alot on the Xanax. Other than xanax, I take Seroquel (900 mgs). Right now, I am only on the seroquel, dilantin and xanax. I was told that I went from about 6 mgs. a day to something around 3mgs. I know this is a high dosage of both meds, but I am feeling alot better than I have in a long time..except not sleeping to well. I have ambien coming to me (I have to get my meds through the mail now). Anyway, I was in the hospital for 4 days, after tons of tests the only thing that came back irregular was the EEG. So, I was told to see my family dr. which I did...he didn't do a thing. He told me to see my psych. So, I called and they got me in the next day. He didn't do a thing. Just told me that he can't do anything except moniter my meds and such. He told me he would call the neurologist and see what he reccommended. So, I waited and waited. Finally I called him, he said I need to go to the neuro..so I go May 30. 8 weeks after discharge. Right now, I am taking 4-5 mgs. of xanax per day, taking one in the morn, one to two in the afternoon (I just dropped it to 1) and 2 at night. They are 1mg. tablets. I am terrified to go to the neuro. I have horrible tremors, shakes, whatever they are called. I have been dx'd with paranoia and agoraphobia as well. I have been on disability since 1995. Whenever I have asked my dr. to let me go back to work he says I'm not ready. I just wonder if I'll ever be ready. Should I just accept the fact that the seizures were probably caused from the xanax?
Anyway, sorry this got so long. I guess it feels good to let it out. My husband is a wonderful man, but just doesn't understand.
Thanks for reading,
Alley