How to keep my mind balanced while waiting for HIV test results

[healthanxiety1988]

I thought writing this down can help ease my concerns as the thoughts I'm experiencing are killing me. I have been tested for HIV 3 times in the past. I'm a 24 year old gay man who had his share of sexual partners. I've always used protection and I'm quite anal about condom i.e. check them pre and post ejaculation for tears. Back in 2011, I was told by a guy I was dating that he slept with a HIv+ guy (someone who I actually knew in college) and that freaked me out. I distinctly remember on several occasions that this guy I'm seeing has inserted the tip of his penis unprotected once or twice and I always yelled at him for it. So after confession, he did the same the next time we were in bed. Next morning, I ran to the clinic to get PEP ... The doctor told me I'm at risk since I was in the receiving end. But I also had to be tested before and after the treatment. All results came negative and after the treatment, out of fear, I decided not to go for a test because the waiting literally scares me to death. I come from a country where gay men are killed or imprisoned but I live in the UK for the duration of my undergrad and postgraduate studies, going back hope with a a positive status will bring shame to me and my family and I will be the target of endless discrimination.

Anyway, since then I have had sexual encounters with guys I hoped to date. What's really sad is that in the gay community, it is often sex then dating not the other way around, so being the desperate pathetic gay man, I conformed to this unhealthy lifestyle. I have to be honest and say I have never used protection when giving or receiving oral sex and I have done mistakes in the past. But what scares me is that for the past two years I got a series of viral and bacterial infections , some were on the skin and some were respiratory and I generally had a poor immune system, but I always had a bad immune system. E.g. I had impetigo and my GP thought I caught it from the gym but I know that some associate it with HIV. I had ear infections, sinus infections but I never had fevers ... I developed generalized anxiety disorder because of my health fears. Whenever I get sick i just immediately link to HIV+ . I went to see my GP for a viral infection last week and I expressed my concern because it has only been a week since I recovered from a really bad cold. He knew I had IBS and digestive problems since forever but he requested that we do a full blood test and he asked me if I had been sexually active and I said yes, then he said I will have to do an HIV test which made me spiral out of control and freak out because hearing him requesting it made it all the more clear that I had it. Anyway I took the blood tests on Tuesday and they told me I should keep ringing them everyday until they have the results back. The waiting game is killing me .... I don't know how to cope with bad news of this magnitude.

What's worse is that my GP clinic simply told me "no news is good news" i.e. if they don't call me then I should assume everything is fine . But that's even worse because every time the phone rings i die a little.

Don't know if I wanted advice or some calming words but I cannot take this any longer.

[Jen807]

I am happy to hear you are ok, you must be careful and think more of yourself don't put yourself in dangerous situations, there must be other men out there likeyou. This is your journey.....you will meet the right guy on your terms. I find when I don't look is when I found the love of my life. love and light

[nursegirl6572]

Considering that homosexual men still top the list as far as people at risk for HIV, you're smart to be proactive with your sex life.  You've actually been doing a great job.  The ways to safeguard yourself is to know your partners, inquire about their status and sexual activity, to use condoms for all anal sex, and to get tested annually if you are sexually active.  You've done all that.

There is some varying information among professionals about oral sex, but on this site, we maintain that it is not a risk.  I have actually penned a health page about it, trying to explain in detail, scientifically why oral sex is not a risk.  Certainly, if you worry about it, then the answer is to use condoms for oral sex.  There are definitely other STDs you could get via oral, so it isn't a bad idea.

Basically, though, it's quite simple.  If you always consistently use condoms for any penetrative anal sex, and you don't share IV drugs, HIV will NEVER be a concern.  It's really that simple.

Read this for some reassurance, and then get busy getting back to living life, as you've worried for far too long already.  

http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/HIV/HIV-AND-ORAL-SEX-THE-FACTS/show/1278?cid=68

Your test proves you don't have HIV.  If you continue to have anxiety despite the test result, then it may be time to think about getting some professional help to address the anxiety.

[Gretta96]

I'm glad your results are negative.  Even us straight women have done some stupid things.  I have worried about HIV too.  I have had very limited partners, and yet, I was concerned.  I'm not now as I have been married for 20 years, but I remember those days when I was single.
You have learned from this, that's the important thing.  

[healthanxiety1988]

I wrote the question above because I almost had it with the dark thoughts I've been having. My GP just called me and told me the great news that I'm HIV- and all the other blood work came negative as well. But I shall leave the post above to give hope to those who find themselves in similar  situations.


This experience has changed everything and I feel reborn and I shall never conform to what I don't believe in and trust my self and find strength through gratitude to my god/the higher power for the gifts I have received.