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Thought of suicide.I don't know what to do anymore.
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Thought of suicide.I don't know what to do anymore.

Please,PLEASE help me.
I am 14.I am from Croatia,Europe.
I need help.

This might get a little bit lengthy.
Alright,so,a year ago I smoked weed out of curiosity.Not one time though,it was 4-5 times.
The first time I felt nothing and the second time I felt a buzz and I was laughing my *** off.The third time was incredibly torturous.
I was laughing and laughing and then suddenly I just felt like all my emotions were gone.I started freaking out.
I was really depersonalised and derealized at that point.It didn't help that my friend thought I was joking and started telling me how I was in a coma
Diabetic hyperglycemic hyperosmolar coma
Diabetic ketoacidosis
Ewings sarcoma - x-ray
Ewing’s sarcoma
Kaposi's sarcoma - close-up
Kaposi's sarcoma - lesion on the foot
Kaposi's sarcoma - perianal
Kaposi's sarcoma on foot
Kaposi's sarcoma on the back
Kaposi's sarcoma on the thigh
Kaposi’s sarcoma
and he's talking me trough some new technology and everything is but a projection created by him(to this day I think I'm in a coma
Diabetic hyperglycemic hyperosmolar coma
Diabetic ketoacidosis
Ewings sarcoma - x-ray
Ewing’s sarcoma
Kaposi's sarcoma - close-up
Kaposi's sarcoma - lesion on the foot
Kaposi's sarcoma - perianal
Kaposi's sarcoma on foot
Kaposi's sarcoma on the back
Kaposi's sarcoma on the thigh
Kaposi’s sarcoma
even though I know I'm not and I continuously search for evidence of this subconsciously).
The first two days after that I didn't know what was going on and I was searching the internet for what is happening to me,for a cure even.
I learned about the dissociative disorders
Adjustment disorder
Anorexia nervosa
Asperger syndrome
Autism
Autoimmune disorders
Bipolar disorder
Bleeding disorders
Borderline personality disorder
Copd (chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder)
Chronic motor tic disorder
Conversion disorder
also known as depersonalisation and derealization.
I had to go to school
Preschooler development
Preschooler test
Preschooler test or procedure preparation
School age child development
School age test or procedure preparation
School-age children development
the next day and I felt like there was a huge battle going on in my mind.
I got an F in math and then I just surrendered the fight.
I was so anxious and terrified of being among all these people and that's when my coping mechanism kicked in.Suddenly,I stopped sweating
Sweating
Sweating - absent
and I wasn't anxious anymore.All other symptoms remained though.
The fourth and fifth time I just got really depressed and anxious when I smoked but it stopped in a few hours.

My coping mechanism works in a such a way that as soon as I feel depersonalization coming back I just kinda push it and try to contain it in this little cage.It requires an incredible deal of concentration.
I feel as though trough this year this has been building up and it's just gonna explode one day and I'll go insane.

I've been to a doctor and I have told my parents.Both of those just made it worse.
I didn't take any medication because I've heard from numerous people that they just make it worse.
The amount of people that recover from this is really quite small(about 2-3%)

My symptoms include:
-Time seems faster
-Worse concentration
-Worse memory
-No emotions(my dad died and I literally felt nothing,I was a little shooken up but other than that nothing)
-Depressed(sometimes)
-Anxious thoughts(not rare,but there is only a small amount)
-Oftenly don't know how to act in social situations

NOTE:I only smoked weed 4-5 times a year ago,I don't chronically use it.
NOTE:I don't want to kill myself but I've thought of suicide before and I just didn't do it because I didn't want to hurt my family and friends and frankly,I appreciate life too much.
NOTE:I have considered having anxiety disorder and maybe PTSD and have thought of going to therapy but that would take up too much of my time and I need all the time I can get for school.Especially now since my grades went from A's to C's and D's,depersonalization being the cause of that.

What do I do?
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345079_tn?1299206076
If you have seen a doctor and they did not help you must seek out another opinion. Your parents have to keep pursuing it until you get the help you need. Medication does not make things worse. There is a very good chance at recovery. You have to stop looking up all of this and get to a doctor that will help your properly. You seem like a very intelligent person and you need to not stop until someone gets you the proper help. You CAN and will get better. You need a proper diagnose and likely medication and therapy.
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Avatar_m_tn
WAIT WAIT WAIT
THIS IS NOT WHAT I POSTED
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS
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Also Alison,thank you :)
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