hiv anxiety

[worriedmummy88]

Hi I'm a 25 year old female who (please don't judge) has 2 children and have been very very stupid and had unprotected sex with 4 men in the last 5 months every time I have been under the influence of alcohol and quite alot of it, I know this is not an excuse but being a single parent of 2 kids I find very hard and end up making the most stupid and selfish decisions when there dad has them I have finally thought enough is enough I'm a mum and I need to respect myself and them and stop being stupid and immature, I was last tester for hiv in December but everything came back fine yet I still didn't learn from my mistakes.. Then just found out the last man I slept with unprotected has been sleeping with sex workers he swears to me he has always worn protection with them but the last time he was tested was last year... I'm sick with worry, I hide my fear from my babies because I have to but its so hard and I find myself having to go to the bathroom and have a cry it's to overwhelming, I'm such an idiot, when Im sober I always make the right decisions, i.e. Not sleep with anyone without protection ect but when I'm stressed I find myself having a drink then boom I make the wrong decisions, I have stopped drinking now (never drink when have the kids) I suffer with health anxiety have done for years this is my latest worry yet for some reason I never learn!!! I'm getting tested again for the last 4 months because I'm afraid the last test back in December was to early to detect a positive and now I'm freaking out if it comes out positive I could have potentially infected 4 men with hiv and all because I wasn't mature enough to use protection!! And even if It comes back negative I still have to do another one after 6 weeks because of the man who slept with the sex workers.. My mind is in overdrive, can't sleep properly keep looking things up on Google and that isn't helping but I lliterally can't help it... They say the main symptoms if any are short flu like symptoms and it scares me beccause back in March I had a 2 day flu/bug and im scared that was the hiv given off a symptom because all my family had the bug but not the flu which I had with mine... Has anyone had the same worry?? I know ppl are probably going to judge me for my actions but right now I need help with this not nastiness whether they are right or not I know I have made mistakes I can't change them but definitely learn from them... Any helpful replies would be very much appreciated.. Thanks

[nursegirl6572]

No judgement here hon.  We all have had our fair share of things we've done that we're not exactly proud of right?  So, no worries, and stop being so hard on yourself....so you made some poor decisions, it isn't the end of the world, instead learn from it, try to figure out WHY you're doing this (seeking attention/assurance/affection maybe?) and commit to changing.  IN the VERY very least, commit to consistent condom use.

As for HIV, you've had multiple partners, without protection, so there is a risk, but the good news is, HIV transmission in heterosexuals is rare.  A DUO test at 4-6 weeks after your LAST (most recent) episode of unprotected sex will be very very reassuring.  Follow that up with a 3 month antibody test.  I'm sure you will be just fine.

Keep us posted, okay?

[justscared2]

Sorry you are going through that. I am not a mom yet but I am pregnant. I fear I acquired hiv from a silly home oral hiv test. I convinced myself that it waas tampered with and was infected with hiv which I got and now could have passed it to my baby or my boyfriend. Crazy I KNO! however, i think this worry stems from guilt. I feel badly that i got pregnant out and am not married. Your anxiety is probably stemming from the guilt of your choices.

I have had moments when I absolutely feel like screaming bc of the sheer terror I have. I hold it together the best I can when I am around people as well. Please know that u r not alone. That others kno that feeling. Take each day at a time. Enjoy your babies and don't beat yourself up. I kno nothing can shorten the time for conclusive tests and that is the toughest part. Keep yourself busy. and pray. Best of luck to u. u will get through this.