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i need help.
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i need help.

This is going to be an insane post and i know im going to a lot of unhappy responses im sure but this is a bad situation for me and my anxiety.

I just found out i'm pregnant. First and foremost i am not ready for this. Second of all i have emetophobia as well as a phobia of pregnancy. Since i have found out which was two days ago i have not stopped panicking. I have been taking xanax like crazy. I am going to terminate the pregnancy next week but i dont know how to handle myself until then. This has been ruining my life. I cant eat, i've been having performance problems at work, and i do nothing but cry and have panic attacks. I have not eaten more that a few bites of food in the past 3 days. I am so terrified. I can't even explain the absolute FEAR that i have been experiencing every second of everyday. This is overwhelming. Im afraid of EVERYTHING.

I know that some people may not agree with what i am going to do but i can not finish this pregnancy. Nothing terrifies me more. To have to deal with twpo of my major phobias at the same time is making me go crazy. I feel like im losing it and im losing touch with reality. I need support. I have, for the first time in my life, contemplated suicide. Sometimes i think maybe i should take a months worth of xanax and solve everything. I know its only 6 more days until my procedure but i dont know if i can take another 6 days of this fear.
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Avatar_f_tn
Well Erin the first thing i will tell u is nobody, i mean nobody is perfect and this is ur choice no one elses.What i will tell u is this will b over sooner then u think just b patient and i know its easier for me to say cuz im not in ur situation but taking ur life is not worth it believe me. Im sure alot of people would b hurt by this too.Fear is one of the most scaryiest thing EVER i know this first hand but just hang in there n tell ur self this will b over soon n theres so much more to life then takin ur own.Be strong n hang n there k.Good Luck!!!!!! You can do this : )
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1448936_tn?1363209946
Thank you for not judging me. I am trying to stay as calm as possible and my bf has been very supportive. I am just losing my mind. I am scared because pregnancy, to me, is one of the most horrific things i could ever imagine happening to me and also the severe nausea i've had which has been causing me constant panic because of my emetophobia. Im also panicking because i have no control over this situation at all until next week. Literally...every second of the past few days has been a constant state of fear. I've never felt such crippling fear before. I have barely left the house except to work. I wish i could explain how absolutely terrified i am at any given moment of the day. This is awful.
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1448936_tn?1363209946
I also just found that a pregnancy phobia is a legitimate phobia. Its tokophobia and now i feel slightly less insane but still am dealing with this diasbling fear right now.
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Avatar_f_tn
Aww i can only imagine wat ur goin thru and the fear ur goin thru.I have been in ur same situation and i was soo sick my whole pregnancy it was horrible,then to top it off i was petrified of the effects my meds wud have on the baby, i also take xanax among other pills. I threw up the whole pregnancy and loss so much weight so not only dealing with the preganancy,anxiety,and the effect my meds were gonna have on my child i was a complete mess and i feel its not fear to us or the child to have to go thru this so i totally support ur desision n dont judge u wat so ever.Btw my son was born face up wit the cord wrapped around his neck twice and wasnt breathing so they had to give him a shot in his heart so wat im tryin to get at is if u dont feal strong enough and ur health is not all the way rite ur doin the rite thing in my eyes.Im glad ur bf is bein supportive too that always helps.Just take one day at a time and this will all b over also know u cant get pregnant real easy after a procedure like this so b real careful.Again GOOD LUCK and let me know how ur doin k u can do this Erin : )
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Avatar_m_tn
I am amazes at myself when I hit an anxiety trigger and how it owns me. I went over 25 years with no anxiety then had a major medical diagnosis that sent me into a 5 year anxiety  hell...and the diagnosis turned out to be wrong!! So I lost 5 years of my life over it.

Worse than abortion is giving birth to a child that you are not able to adequately care for. Dooming another human being to a lifetime of trauma from inadequate parenting is worse (to me) than not being born. Knowing that you are not prepared to be a parent is honorable and not to be judged by others.

The other issue is that all psyche drugs pass the placental and mammary barriers so the child is swimming in powerful chemicals while millions of brain cells are being formed. use of these drugs during pregnancy is contraindicated and just like fetal alcohol syndrome it can take time to show up

You also do not want to subject the fetus to high levels of stress hormones - lots of research that it alters the neurology. Be at peace with your decision - there is never a moral judgment when we do the right things!!
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Avatar_m_tn
Another thought - I chose not to become a parent because I knew with my family background and anxiety that I could not be the parent I would want to be.

I was deeply wounded by my parents that were wonderful people with deep wounds themselves.

So I made the choice not to risk passing along my trauma and wounding another human being. When are are not parented correctly we can only guess how to do it with our children.
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1448936_tn?1363209946
I know that with my anxiety that i am not mentally capable of handling having a child. Im also not mentally able to deal with pregnancy. I found out on wednesday and have been so anxious and stressed that i havent been able to eat. I've actually lost weight. And i know it wouldnt be fair to have a child that i dont want and am not capable of caring for. Im just so terrified that there is something inside of me right now. It physically disgusts me. I didnt really realize the extent of my pregnancy phobia until right now. Anytime i think about whats going on inside of me i start freaking out. I cry...i scream...i want to break everything in sight. I can't even describe the absolute horror it causes.
Thank you both for being so understanding. I know a lot of people have huge issues with abortion but i have bigger issues with kids being born and parents not caring for them properly. In my mind, an abortion is the only option.
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1448936_tn?1363209946
*abortion is the only option for me.

i dont mean that its the only option in general
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok so here is my story, when I was 16 years old I got pregnant. At the time, in my state it was legal for me to have an abortion without parental consent, which I did because my mother would probably have beat it out of me anyway. It was very hard on me emotionally. At 17 I found out I was pregnant again, I had my son at 18, I had a really rough pregnancy due to me going Into labor at 23 weeks. I was stuck in the hospital for two months in bed rest. It was a VERY traumatic experience. Anyways my son was a difficult baby, he always cried and never slept. Fast forward8 months later, I found out I was pregnant again. I had never experienced any anxiety before, the night I found out, right in the morning I woke up and had a full blown panic attack. I couldn't breath, fidgety, no sleep for almost two days. It was horrible. I then had a miscarriage, probably because I was going crazy in my head. Ever since then I have had problems with anxiety, it seemed to open up that door. I understand your situation. I am terrified of ever getting pregnant again. You are not alone, hopefully one day, when you are ready to have a baby, financially and mentally that will go away for you, but until then, I strongly suggest birth control.
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Avatar_m_tn
I was so afraid I just tied the tubes at 22 or 23 and settled my score with my mother at the same time by sending her the paper from the doctor that it was done!  (It was an abusive relationship that resulted in foster care and eventually my leaving for Europe, alone, before adulthood).  That was that-- and I had peace. But few have this kind of conviction and clarity in advance-- and yes, I remember the fear of pregnancy (and the precautions) while having my first sexual experiences at 17 and alone in Europe.  Yet what does all this mean 4 U?  Certainly U will NOT go to HELL for sex, nor abortion, but morbid anxiety is HELL!  Please try to face (rationally understand and forgive) what scares you and yes a baby formed on Xanax in any case cannot be good,  You are never truely alone in this world and this may not make sense, but yes, your life has a purpose and you are secial and unique beyond mesure-  Peace Be with You.

I write this to you while I am homeless with a very serious illness, but at the age of now 42, my life makes sense  to me now and I have a chance to fix what I could not while running nor fitting in but wishing I were dead and taking medication to cope with my own tnoughts.  Just remember, thoughts are things and thoughts obviously affect your physiology.  You are not crazy, you are using the inextricable Law of Attraction and this means YOU CAN direct your thoughts and create different results by CANCELING undesiranle thoughts and releasing your INTENTION into DESIRABLE thoughts.  I forund some books, such as the three Magic Words quite helpful, Hang in there!

Abortion is a fact of life.  You need not say more that a thoughtful " thank you, but sorry, not this one, this time ad I bless you to go on" to your yet unborn and prompty keep the appointment, perhaps going with a friend at least.  Sorry you are going through this, men do not seem to have these pressures, perhaps this is good.

Blessings Be-
T
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