my nightmare! help

hi everyone, my name is Candice and im 20 years old from australia, NSW. I guess your reading this because your doing the same thing i done & am still doing, looking for answers. What is anxiety, why does it happen, how do you get rid of it, the list goes on. I can start by telling you i dont have these answers, im just one person feeling like i am fighting to live and asking so many questions which seem to have so little answers as you are probably to. Let me tell you about my nightmare. It was only 4 weeks ago, i had my own house, working 6 days a week, my car, my boyfriend, my dogs, my family.. everything was good.. it wasnt perfect nothing is.. but let me tell you i was very full of life, strong headed, determind, bubbly, strong willed in my work and achievements, and all that changed in a blink of an eye. It started one night when i had a oanic attack out of no where, the next day i was so bad i went to my doctor and he put me on peroxetine which is an anti depressant/anxiety... this only made it worse.. i was so spaced out, blurry vision, confused, memory loss.. you name it i felt it. my doctor took me off them two days later then started me on xanax(kalma) which is only a temporary relief, the xanax worked for a few hours but only for someone who doesnt have to work .. which has now cost me my job as my job is property management which involved sitting in an office, and alot of thinking which is impossible for me at the moment. I then went back and got put on prestiq, my body did not like that at all.. the side effects were even worse..heart popitations, memory loss of everything, blurry vision, ears ringing, dizzy, vomiting, panic attacks, shaking, my blood felt ice cold, felt in a dream, lost 5kgs, couldnt eat, brain running a million miles an hour but worse of all suicidal. All i wanted to do was end it. My doctor then took me off them 2 days later and im currently still just on xanax, i still cannot work, and i still cannot go a day without waking up, feeling nervous, shaking, panicing, like i have no control of my life anymore, like i have to tell myself all the time that its gunna be ok, but since when does someone thats ok have to do that, right?? i watch the clock because i just want the day to be over.. but i dont really because there is nothing worse then night time.. i cant remember the last decent sleep i had in the past 4 weeks, its the worst feeling in the world & after i finally do.. i wake up at all hours 2,3,4am.. and cant get back to sleep. Since my anxiety my brain just constantly thinks over & over & over again, its so exhausting.. its absouletly killing me. The worst part is my family,  friends and partner not understanding.. i dont blame them i never understood anxiety until it happened to me either.. its hard thinking that there always judging you for it though. I am also very emotionless.. its like if im not panicking i have no feelings at all... even when i dont have xanax.. i feel stuck in a nightmare and just want to get out. I went to gosford hospital after i had bad side effects to the peroxetine, i was in the waiting room for 8 hours vomiting an panicking and the only thing they did was send me straight to mental health, did no tests no anything. Just straight away thought i was crazy and sent me to them, how do they think that makes us feel especially after what is already happening. It says on the leaflets to seek urgent medical attention for any of the following side effects, & u do.. & thats how they respond.. so dissapointed. but in saying that it also has made my anxiety worse as you feel the place that can help you when your sick is the hospital, but not in this case so who can?? But back to whats happening now, my mum has had to move back in with me, im not working, i am still on the xanax when i need it, but i still am very zoned out, blurry, can't drive, ears ringing,confused memory loss,no appetite, heart popitations, very short tempered.. without taking it, can anyone relate? I guess im just reaching out for answers.. or just someone who understands my situation.. because i feel like im at my wits ends.. christmas and new years is less then 2 weeks away.. and i have not a care in the world for it. I fear for my friendships because i feel like im pushing my friends away because they just dont understand and i feel like i cant cope with hearing other peoples dramas & i fear for my relationship the most.. i feel so useless and emotionless like he deserves to be with someone who isnt such a drag down & can actually go places and give him the love and attention he deserves which i feel like i just cant do 100% anymore :( .. i just want to feel normal again. every part of courage, strength, emotion, happiness, believe, hope, is gone. Who wants to live this way? who wants to wake up, nervous and panicking all day, just watching the time because your so un-eased, brain constantly going a million miles an hour over and over.. with stuff you would of never ever thought of before.. not being able to go places or see people without feeling like there judging you, or knowing something is wrong. Not being able to close your eyes for 5 seconds because they just twitch, they wont rest. not being able to eat because you have no appetite anymore. Then getting worse anxiety as it gets later because you know its coming up to night time, when you cant sleep, u can't relax.. every muscle.. every brain cell keeps going and going and going.. and it only gets worse when you try and fight it. i sure dont wanna live like this anymore.. I feel like anxiety isnt expressed enough through-out life to even know what your in for when it does happen, i sure wasn't expecting it nor know what to do. I still dont.. I still am asking myself everyday all day, why??????? how???????? i just want to reach out and talk to people going through the same thing- so if your reading this.. please know your not alone.. and i would love to hear your story and whats happening, i will listen and i will understand. Im no doctor.. but i will understand.

[riicky92]

Wow you sound like me I'm from nsw to from Sydney it all started for me about 3 months ago I had a normal night work out be4 bed then went to sleep got up the next day and my arm woes sore then all of a sudden I started to think I woes having a heart attack and but my self in a panic rushed to the hospital and got put in the waiting rom for 2hrs with my heart pumping at 130 beats a min I woes freacking out then all to be told after an ECG I woes ok and to go home and rest and from that point on it all started all these crazy thing that go thro my head like haveing cancer brain tumor strock heart attack anueyrisom or thinking I'm goin to die of a bad infection and all so all the body symptoms sharp pains all over my body from head to toe shortnes of breth feeling like I'm in a dream 24 7 and only sleeping 2-3 hrs

This is no fun and like you my girlfriend and famley doin understand coz I woes a normiel 20 year old happy loved going out and seeing my mate to some one that sits in his room searching his symptoms on the net all day and goin to the hospitel at lest once a week

But like I tell my self it is hard to under stand if you haven't been thro it what I have don't is found some anxiety stuff on the net and made my girlfriend read it now she sort of gets what ppl like us r goin thro

And I'm not goin to lie to you this can be a long dark and hard rode to go down but one you het your meds right and the proper help it will GET BETTER

But until that time comes I'm here to help in any way I can if you need to talk just send me a msg on here

XxX

[riicky92]

All so can I say I am not a pro when it comes to anxiety and I have only been suffering with it for a few months now but I have found that talking to other ppl with this problem to help me a lot so I only hope it does the same for you