HIV Anxiety..

[stressedboy92]

I topped a new boyfriend recently, and I used a condom.. I pulled out after ejaculation and everything seemed fine, but I wanted to be sure so I filled it with water, again, everything was fine.
But I can't help the nagging feeling that it broke and I just didnt notice.
I took this to the HIV boards, only to be told I didn't have a risk and I "would know" if the condom broke.
So now I am here. How can I shake this anxiety? It's controlling my life.

[atljunie]

I should add that I went through much the same myself when I first came out.  I ultimately found a good therapist who helped me work through some of these feelings.  Peace.

[atljunie]

Are you afraid that of contracting HIV in this scenario or transmitting it?  I If the former, your fear, while real and frightening to you, is irrational.  In the first place, the risk of becoming infected through a single act of protected insertive anal intercourse is astronomically small.  Beyond that, you took the unusual step of testing the condom yourself with water and everything was fine.  Under the circumstances, I doubt any explanation given here will make you feel better.  The only way to eliminate the fear is wait about six weeks and get tested.  Good luck.  

[stressedboy92]

Thank you for your reply, it really means a lot.
You have made so much sense to me, and I really want to move on from all of this and control my anxiety. I suppose it's just difficult since I have so many "what ifs" floating around in my head about it all.
I should probably just keep reminding myself that if a condom breaks, I would definitely know about it and I don't have to worry about this particular event.

[nursegirl6572]

The best way to move forward is to stop giving into these thoughts.  When you find yourself worrying about it again, get engaged in life, stay busy, distracted.  If when you notice you're thinking about HIV, you start searching the internet, read about HIV, or condoms, etc...you're only fueling the anxiety and the thoughts will intensify.  Even seeking reassurance multiple times actually accomplishes the opposite.  You'll feel relieved for a short time, but then the need to seek more reassurance will surface, and if you DO continue to seek reassurance, it keeps sending a message to your brain that there is something to worry about, which increases anxiety.  That'e the same process people with OCD get hung up on.  In people with HIV anxiety, the constant need to seek reassurance becomes a compulsion to reduce anxiety, just as checking the stove, or washing hands would be for someone with OCD.

It's best to try to send your brain the opposite message that there IS nothing to be concerned about, and you can do that by not giving those thoughts any sense of importance or validity.

If by doing this for a while you still cannot shake this fear, then it's time to seek professional help.  Often therapy can help you learn how to manage the anxiety and change your thought processes.

Good luck!