SAHM with panic disorder, I don't know what to do anymore!

[Kat03]

I am a stay-at-home mom of 2 extremely active kids (almost 2 years old and 4 years old).  I have a panic disorder with agoraphobia and have had anxiety and depression throughout my entire life (or for as long as I can remember at least).  
The problem is that I am stuck here with the kids 24/7.  We only have 1 car, which my husband uses to get to and from work.  He works over 40 miles away, so I am not able to drop him off and pick him up.  So basically, I am stuck here all day, every day.
It used to be that my panic attacks would hit me only when we were out somewhere...like in big stores, busy or loud places, etc.  Now they hit me anywhere...even home...which used to be my "safe" place.  I know that the reason I have them at home so frequently is because I am "trapped" here and have no way out.  
We recently moved to a new area where I don't know anyone.  Since I don't have a car, I have no way to join any of the moms groups or get my kids enrolled in some of the classes during the week which would give me some sort of a social outlet.  Most of my friends are working during the week, and they are all long distance to call.  Family is over an hour away as well. I am in a state of constant worry that one of the kids will hurt themselves or that something will happen to me while I am home alone with them.  
So here's my dilemma.  I can't handle these constant panic attacks anymore.  My health is suffering greatly.  I am tired all the time, have multiple physical complaints (stomach, headaches, fatigue, appetite loss, weight gain, asthma, high blood pressure at times of the panic attacks...the whole gamut).  I have tried to attend counseling, however, because of our car situation, I am not able to get in for appointments due to time constraints.  Also, financial issues prevent me from being able to pay for appointments, and we apparently make too much for community resources.  
Another issue I have is that I have tried many, many medications to no avail.  I have had severe reactions to SSRIs and other antidepressants/antianxiety medications.  I have been able to take Ativan with success, but only take it on an emergency basis, and I don't like taking anything so I usually wait until it's really bad to take an Ativan.  Because my kids are "on" 24/7, I am not able to take anything that will sedate me or make me tired since I have to be on my toes at all times.
There are a lot of other contributing factors to why I'm so bad now, but I really would like some suggestions of things I could do at home to help myself get out of this constant panicking.  
I also think there may be some physical issues that are contributing to these constant panic attacks, but I am not sure what I should ask for as far as testing goes.  I am very hesitant to see my doctor since I am afraid she will chalk everything up as anxiety and refuse to test for anything.  I had my thyroid levels tested a few months back, and it came up as 0.75, so that was normal range.  I have had hair loss, weight gain (unexplained since I have very little appetite and eat very little and what I do eat is healthy), hair growth on my face, chest, stomach, etc....places I have not had it before....my skin is breaking out more than ever, and have developed other skin issues.....so, yeah, I'm a mess and would like some help!
Of note, when I got married, I was very thin, active, very athletic.  Within 2 years, without changing my eating habits or exercise habits, I had gained 80 pounds.  When pregnant with my son, I gained 17 pounds, lost it all plus 10 extra within 4 weeks of having him and stayed at that weight until I got pregnant with my daughter, gained 19 pounds with her, lost it all within 2 weeks and am still at that same weight, so my weight gain is not due to pregnancies...it all happened before I even got pregnant with my first.  I know this doesn't have anything to do with the anxiety, but I thought I'd mention it because as I said, I have had this panic disorder forever, and have been told that the weight gain could have been stress-related somehow.
Thanks!

[suzi-q]

Welcome!  I stayed at home with my daughter for 5 months before returning to work and for me it was a living hell (even with a car).  I find that I need to work and be among people.  Staying home for me and being "isolated" as it was put, made me much more depressed and anxious than I am regularly.  My only suggestion for that part of your situation is to get out of your house.  Even if it is for a walk with the kids.  Is your local library close enough to walk to? Most libraries have story time a few days a week and that would be beneficial to you making friends with other stay at home moms.  When the spring comes, hopefully their is a park within walking distance and it is also a great place to meet people.

The other part of your post makes me wonder if you have hormonal issues.  Gaining weight, hair growth, acne, etc. sounds like possibly too much testosterone in your system.  By NO MEANS am I a doctor, but I have a friend with a similar situation.  I suggest you talk to your OBGYN.  There are meds that can help this issue out.

[Kat03]

Thank you so much for the response.  Oh yes, loneliness and isolation are huge factors here.  As mentioned, I have always had anxiety and have had the severe panic disorder for years now, but ever since being "cut off" so-to-speak, it has gotten worse in the sense that my one safe place (home) is now the worst place to be.  And, ironically, it is where I have to be due to lack of transportation!!

There is no public transportation where we live either, so that's out as well.  I have thought about trying to get a mom's group together that would meet at my house so that I could at least have people around and get to know people around here, so maybe I will look into that more as well.

Fortunately, our transporation issues have only been in place for about a year, but that's about a year too long, if you ask me!!  My husband had bought a car from his mom around Christmas, and it ended up needing quite a bit of work and we just have not had the funds to do that, so eventually we will have that running.  He also has a motorcycle he can drive to and from work in the spring/summer, so that's something to look forward to as well.

I have been reading posts on here for a while now, but never really joined in or put any posts of my own up.  I will definitely stay aboard, as I think this is a really good site and everyone seems to be pretty helpful and supportive.  Eventually, I may have something to offer to others in the way of help and/or support as well, as I (believe it or not) have a medical background and worked for quite some time as a medical social worker.  You would think I could use my training to help myself, but at this point, it just seems like it's so much easier to help others than myself, if that makes any sense.  

Thanks again, for the information and advice.  I really appreciate it.  And yes, the first post to this seemed a little off to me as well, but I guess maybe some people think they are helping, but not really looking at the issue at hand...oh well.  And I had to laugh about the menopause thing....I am almost 30, but I have had hormonal issues since I was 16 and at one time was told I was in early menopause, so that could be a part of this all as well!

[JSGeare]

You'd think with all the trouble you took to give us the big panorama of your situation, you'd receive more replies, wouldn't you?

Well here I am, for what that's worth. I confess to some disappointment with one of the responses which begins by asking you how long you have suffered -when you clearly said in your opening paragraph, through your "entire life."

You said a lot, so let me cut through the clutter here a little bit so we can get started with something. First of all, in addition to your natural predisposition to panic, you now have ISOLATION and LONLINESS to contend with. Did you see those big letters? That's because it is a big deal. And those two characters, who often travel in pairs and are no fun at all at a party, have a nasty parent, whose name is: ABANDONMENT.

And abandonment is often a huge background issue for panic people because early on, as little kids, they had some reason to think, "what is going to happen to me?"

Enough of the 50 cent therapy - I'm just trying to establish some credibility with you because you knwo what -until 8 years ago, panic and anxiety were my good buddies, too. So I want YOU to know -that I know.

Kat, it will take some work to get "to the bottom" of things, but for right now we need to establish some sense of community for you right here and right now. So, I want you to JOIN this community -become a part of it. I've put instructions below. And I want you to start looking around the forum for cases like yours, and for people who you think will especially understand your situation. Also, look for people you can help, with your experience, wisdom and compassion. GET involved -make us a part of your daily deal.

Now, what about some warm bodies around you? I don't know what the neighbor situation is -and I do know you're new in town- but you need to find ways to connect with folks. I would start by laying out the problem to the menatl health section my local health department. I understand the car problem -what about public transportation -or is that a panic issue? Also, there are often special limosines to pick up and drop off folks for medical appointments, etc., for free. If you can connect with folks who also have panic (I was a member of such a group) then invite them to have sessions at YOUR place. I know I'm making this all up, but somehow, someway, you've got to get a toe hold socially, so your emotional space is not this mind bending hall of mirrors. I can promise you PROMISE you that there are people with circumstances like yours -and they are closer to you then you think! Hell's bells - put an ad on Craigs List!

OK, that it for now. Join and get started. This is a problem that WILL be solved. Here's what to do: just click the Join Link -enter some profile information about yourself -even a picture if you care to- and anything you think would help us get to know you faster and better, and you can change this material whenever you like. You will also be accessible to receive private messages when other members click the name you've given yourself -sort of a "push to talk" feature. After you've done that, spend some time just using various features of the forum. For example, to see all the posts or responses that someone has made, just click their handle, go to their profile, click Posts, and read to your heart's content. You may also enter search terms -including member names- in the search box at the upper right of your screen and the system will retrun everything matching the term(s) you entered. This INCLUDES a drug database that will give you both user posts about drugs as well as the medical information about the drug. A great way to get quick answers about therapeutic effect, side effects, interactions, etc.

One of the profile categories is your mood, which you may change anytime you like.

Along the right side of your screen is a section of Recent Activity, which not only alerts you to new posts, but new ANYTHING, including journal entries and mood. This is a way to telegraph the community at large without actually creating a separate post. Thus, if you see a friend's mood has changed while you are working on a response or post, it can alert you to send them a private message to learn more or simply let them know you're thinking of them. Likewise, if you are going to be "out," you could enter something like "off line for the night" as your mood, and people would know you're away from the forum for awhile.

"My Medhelp" is where you'll find all the features you can deploy: messaging, lists of friends, photos, etc.

If you do this kind of exploring and experimenting right away, you'll be up-to-speed quickly. If you see the message you are reading now as part of a direct response I (or anyone) has made to one of your posts, it was probably copied and pasted from this journal. I hate form letters and auto-responses as much as anyone -but I also hate forgetting to tell people what they need to know, so this is my safety-net. Consider it as part of your "Welcome" kit. So -please join and try things out.

You might also want to read my entries for the "Right Click Trick" and "When in Haste, Use Copy 'n Paste" for some other convenient time-savers.

We're glad you are here!

[lalad]

I know what it is like to being home 24/7 with anxiety and panic. I recently graduated from college and I am looking for work. Being home is unfortunatly the worst place to be when you have this disorder, because all you do is dwell on the fact that your anxious. An idle mind is the worst for this.

My suggestion is that you do see your doc and maybe try something new. I am on celexa and I do not have bad side effects. Start on a low dose and work your way up. I do not know how old you are, but some of the physical things you explained sounds a little bit like menepause.

You are not alone in this...in plain english...it blows

[radagegi]

How long have u suffered from anxiety?
Years?
It can be cured just ....Ignore it..just..take meds, or go to a psychiatrist or pray.
It'll go away.
Think of it as a fever. It's impossible that there's a person that has never experienced a fever in his/her life. It's part of human's life. It's normal. It may be gone for days or weeks or months or years but it'll come back to u again because it's normal.
Anxiety is also normal
remember this is just your mind playing tricks on u..
It's just mental issue..
I'm still 16 and already suffer from this. Do u know how that makes me feel?
I feel like im very unlucky that in such a young age I already got this.
But I know that this is just a mental issue that definitely can go away .
U're not alone.. 40 Million people have our disorder in U.S alone (not including worldwide)