Bipolar?

[ThaisForte]

I am a 23 years old woman and I have been struggling with mood changes what seems forever. I've never felt "normal", whatever this means. I have never reacted to some sorts of situations the same way other people do. Since I can remember everything starts pretty much like this: I am full of energy, felling extremely well about myself and I usually get a load of things to be done that is above heavy. Even tough people say I would never be able to accomplish all the things I am planning, I always believe I can. And I even start planning things to be done during the night. Who needs to sleep anyway? I can handle this for a certain time, but out of the blue, everything starts falling apart and everything I just loved, don't make any difference at all. Sometimes I even start to hate them. The job of my dreams, the one I pictured myself doing forever, becomes unbearable. Just well as everything else in my life. Coming out of bed becomes difficult. Everything just stops making sense. But somehow this all changes again. And I can in 1 year love and hate the same thing over and over again. it's just so tiring.

The same thing happens with my relationships. I start a relationship with some guy and I see myself with them forever. I picture myself starting a family with this person. But somehow I start hating this man and can't even hear his voice. But this also happens with everyone else. I can go through this with everyone. But once in a while life is just amazing. I love the way I look, I love my career, my friends and I feel like anything is possible.

I am in a exchange program right now living what most people want to. But during these 9 months I have loved and hated the experience several times. And with just no reason. I looked for the help of a psychologist here because I was feeling really low. I mean , reeeeeeeeeeeeally low. And I was feeling really suicidal, what was not the first time in my life. One night I drank too much, recorded a goodbye video and took an entire box of medicine (the wrong ones, apparently). And I also self harm. Sometimes I feel so out of control that it's just one of the things that helps me. What clearly doesn't since my problems are still here. I also get this anxiety attacks and I feel like I am going crazy!!! It's just so annoying! I just cannot seem to have a normal life!

My psychologist said that I might have Bipolar Disorder, which I am not really sure about. I have been trying to track my moods and they just don't seem to have a pattern. My emotions are just all over the place. Is it possible to be bipolar even if the mood changes just don't follow a pattern???

Thanks a lot!!!!! I feel like I have become my problems and it just not feel good...

[ThaisForte]

And I am sorry I posted twice on the same community! I hadn't noticed that...

[ThaisForte]

Thank you very much once again! I have been a little bit aware of the signs since my psychologist gave me some reading material. Sometimes I can totally relate to it, but sometimes I just think it's just not possible. I just think that maybe I am creating all of it but at the same time my life has been so messed up in soooooooo many ways. I really need to know what's wrong and this feeling is just making me sick! But thank you very much anyway. I'll try to get an appointment as soon as possible!

[Anonymouse88]

I would be perfectly willing to believe the diagnosis based on what you've put here.  Bipolar disorder is highly varied, and doesn't have to come in neat cycles--you can have several down turns in a row without an upturn, or vice versa, or you can have mixed states, where you fit the criteria for depression and mania at the same time (e.g. not sleeping, super energetic, really irritable, suicidal, impulsive spending, feelings of worthlessness all at once).  Many times, bipolar II is misdiagnosed as major depression because depressive episodes are often more common than hypomanic episodes, and people tend not to seek help during hypomania because they don't see it as a problem.

I highly recommend taking a look around psycheducation.org.  It talks a lot about the nuances of bipolar, including how some people don't get well delineated cycles.  There's a whole lot more nuance to the diagnosis than the general public knows.

[ThaisForte]

Well! I'll check on the website for sure! Thanks a lot for your reply. I guess I should look for a doctor... It's just so hard to take it... I feel like it's getting worse! Thank you very much!!!

[Anonymouse88]

I would be perfectly willing to believe the diagnosis based on what you've put here.  Bipolar disorder is highly varied, and doesn't have to come in neat cycles--you can have several down turns in a row without an upturn, or vice versa, or you can have mixed states, where you fit the criteria for depression and mania at the same time (e.g. not sleeping, super energetic, really irritable, suicidal, impulsive spending, feelings of worthlessness all at once).  Many times, bipolar II is misdiagnosed as major depression because depressive episodes are often more common than hypomanic episodes, and people tend not to seek help during hypomania because they don't see it as a problem.

I highly recommend taking a look around psycheducation.org.  It talks a lot about the nuances of bipolar, including how some people don't get well delineated cycles.  There's a whole lot more nuance to the diagnosis than the general public knows.