I'm new here, am I really BP?

[Twelvesgirl]

This is long, and complainy, I'm sorry, but I'm feeling very alone.
I'm not sure that I'm in denial, OK I might be in denial, my husband is, my family is, why not me? I'm not always in denial, I seek help during most major depressions, and that is when I admit to myself I have a problem and I get on medication. I have a hard time staying the course, see I don't think I have major manic episodes. I've never spent alot of money, nor do I remember feeling like I needed no sleep. See the thing is up until about 3 or so years ago I self medicated. I drank A LOT. I had horrible hangovers, because I would stay up all night drinking myself sober. Honestly, I didn't think anything of it because I didn't do it alone there was always someone w/ me whether I knew them or not. I always blamed my indiscretions on alcohol, which I did some horrible things. I'm not that kind of person, I don't normally do these things. I don't really remember the highs, I usually focus on the lows, I had horrible depressions, still do. I started drinking alcohol at age 10, smoking pot at age 12 and other drugs later, I do absolutely NONE of these now including alcohol. I had bad relationships, a bad marriage, and it seems that the major problems started when I was 18 at the beginning of my relationship w/ the man that I married and at age 26 divorced. I was first diagnosed w/ BP in 2003 at age 23. Could I really be diagnosed by 3 different doctors in the span of 6 years with BP, and not be BP? Or am I in denial? What do I need to do to help my husband understand that that maybe he is in denial and I am trying to help myself, and I need him to support me? I need help, I'm really worried that I'll stop taking meds and seeing the doc because BP2 is not as serious, as I've been told by some w/ BP1. I will express this to my doctor, but when I went to the doc, my husband was w/ me and was pretty adament about me NOT being BP to her. I see her on Thurs by myself, so I will get to talk to her alone. I just need help, I am feeling very alone, and feeling weak.
Thank you.

[Twelvesgirl]

thank you for your comments. i have been going to therapy and working on meds etc for almost 2 months now. i am coming to terms sort of w/ the diagnosis. i am slowly releasing myself from the grips of denial and hoping that my family will to. i'm realising how little tolerance anyone has for me, which doesn't help. i bought my parents a book to read that my therapist suggested. i want my husband to read it, i'm still nervous to give it to him, because just talking to him about it is a struggle. but i guess what matters is me and my grip on it. i've got to get a hold of myself, so i can stop hurting those around me, and myself.

anyway, thank you for your comments.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I also have Bipolar disorder but I'm also Autistic so I have pretty... interesting, I guess, problems because the two seem to couple together and make me lose touch with reality really badly when I get really sick and if I even get moderately stressed I have an almost total relapse that wears off over time.  I remember a couple of days ago someone said something extremely ignorant to me and I kind of just zoned out and walked back home in a daze in the middle of my shift at work.  I understand how it is to have little support from family with something like this but I guess it's my fault because I don't know how to talk about how I feel.  I'm hoping when I finally get therapy like I should of gotten from the beginning I'll learn these things.  I'm lucky though and have some good friends who are really supportive.

[irishwriter]

i have bp with dysphoric mania which means i rare have the highs sometimes i realise it afterwards when i have spent all my money and realised that my good humour was over the top. have been in this particular bout of depression for last year and a half which is longest ever but now seem to have found combo of meds that seems to work better than any i have tried during the last twenty five years. my first suicide attempt was at that age and life has been pretty much a battle for me. i have little support from friends and family who i can see looking at me to see if i am 'fixed' so most of the help i get is on sites like this so keep coming on here for support and valuable info. most of us know what you got through and make it easier to accept this disease.

[helpmykid]

hello girl..im a mother..with all the problem i encountered right now with my son..my husband is into denial..hes not with me..working in other country...i can only rely to my family and close friends not even his family...they do not understand any of this disorder or behavior problem...i remember my son's psychiatrist told me that the most important one who can help him is only his self...ask God's guidance and rely to Him everything...

[velvetvenus]

i have been officially diagnosed with bipolar for 10 years now and i feel your pain. i am 37 and still have problems even on medicine but they are much worse off medicine. i've had symptoms of bipolar disorder since i was a teenager.  my advise is buy some books, take your medicine-make it a routine everyday!, and stick with this forum if your family and friends haven't come around. they just don't understand it because they don't have bipolar problems. i agree that if you have multiple diagnosis of bipolar that you do have it. just see what ever doctors you're the most comfortable with. you do need a psychiatrist and a psychologist for meds and therapy in my opinion. i know it's hard without support, i don't know what i'd do without my mom and best friend who also have mental problems. my husband of 20 years is only mildly supportive and that makes it hard, i can only imagine how alone you feel but like this forum, you have other people that go thru some of the same things and can be supportive.....i have gone thru many cycles of not taking medicine and it always, always spirals out of control, so take my advise and take your medicine every day as directed by your doc and just remember you will be more in control if you follow your doctors advise rather than handleing it on your own.  good luck and take care of yourself.

[panthers_mom]

Hi. I am also bipolor. And Yes by the sounds of it you have it to. All I can recomened is stay on your meds no matter what. And don't worry about how young you are I am only 25 and have been dealing with this since I was 18. But if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to drop me a line, my bf, myself and my little sister are all bipolor so feel free to drop me a line. And I understand where your coming from

[Twelvesgirl]

Thank you all, I'm trying, so hard. It's like a battle. This is the worst battle of my life, staying on the meds, keeping appts, trying to find the right dose, telling a therapist my secrets, some that I remember while I'm sitting there. I'm sure everyone felt this way at the beginning and still do sometimes. On top of this I have migraines, not your typical, I have migraine with aura no headache. Everytime I look outside during the day I get something that looks similar to a small milky way in my vision. Everyday, everytime. I'm working w/ a neurology team, and I have Kaiser, so my Mental Health team has access to their records. At one point my neuro told me I may have Parieto occipital epilepsy and that if we figure it out and treat it that it would probably get rid of my bipolar that I'd left untreated. So then I just took that and ran with it, I have that, thats why I have bipolar, thats why I have strange things going on in my head, my neurologist is going to fix me and I am OK. Well, I no longer see that neurologist, I am seeing another one, and she says migraines, and I am on Topamax for those. What I want to say to that man is "Don't tell a confused woman who is desperately trying to figure out what is wrong w/ her that 1. she may have epilepsy 2. you may be able to take away her bipolar. I was so mad at him that he was playing that game, whatever game he was playing. I wasn't so sure that I even had bipolar at that time up until I got on here a month or so ago, so I'm not sure what he was doing. Anyway, thanks to everyone for the support!

[Omusicgame]

I think you should keep seeking help.  I'm 28 and I've been through many of my own problems, but I think you should try really really hard, as much as you can to figure what the problem is.  You shouldn't just go off blaming it on anything or anybody until you truly know and feel what it is.  Try to keep busy all day, find your passion, and realize "HEY IF OTHER PEOPLE CAN FEEL GOOD, WHY CANT U?"  I always come to that realization when im feeling down, and i never regret anything.  Just work hard and look deep into yourself.  One of these days you'll understand.  And just realize you gotta have the bads to have the good.  (Like positive and negative)  See, if we don't go through bad times we wont understand what good times are like.  Thats why we go through it now, so later on in life, we get older we understand things a whole lot more.  Just be strong, and be very patient.

[Narnia41]

Firstly please don't ever feel alone, there is lots of support on this wonderful forum, from people who are in the same place as you and therefore really understand.

I've been diagnosed 2 years now, yet the word 'Bipolar' is never mentioned in my family, though I think my friends are finally coming round to the idea but it's taken a long time.  Sometimes when I'm feeling good I also question my diagnosis and recently came off the mood stabilizers and just took the anti depressants.  Bad idea, spent a couple of months in a horrible agitated state.  

Personally I gave my family a book about Bipolar to read.  I don't actually think it made a difference to their understanding but at least I tried.  It's very difficult to face it alone when your loved ones don't seem to believe.  But ask yourself why would 3 different docs give you the same diagnosis? Surely that's no coincidence.

Good Luck with the new doc x

[Twelvesgirl]

Thank you for your comments. I don't know what I'm looking for! I'm just so confused you know. I'm just looking into my last "episode" right now. High started in December I think, right now I'm scraping my way out of depression. I just hate this so much, not knowing, my loved ones  not believing. It's hard for me to believe, when they don't, the people I trust the most. I've been writing all of the stuff down that I've been thinking about though, and will be bringing it in to the doc, a new doc of course, why can't I just go back to old doctors you ask? Denial I assume, thinking a different doctor will say something else? But the meds doctor I saw by myself and answered the questions myself, they put me on a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant. Thank you again!

[LeftCoastChick]

Here's a good website where you can look up a lot of different informantion.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_family_friends_support.htm

[LeftCoastChick]

I'm sorry to hear you have been through the mill so to speak.  I would say if 3 different doctors have diagnosed you BP, then yeah, you have it. Were you shopping about for a second/third opinion?  BP2 is AS serious as any form, you will get the dramatic hypomania and depression. All of the BP's need medical intervention, all have the same risk of suicide generally. If you stop and start meds, it may become more difficult to treat. What's important now is to get you on meds to stabilize you and some good talk therapy, even join a support group in your area. There is no shame in having this disorder, many many folks like really productive lives.