BPD & BP getting in the way of being a good parent

[CrzyBeautiful1]

I posted this in the BPD forum, but I wanted to post it here too because I respect everyone's input here and its all very helpful.

How do u cope with ur BPD and BP while trying to be a parent a the same time? I know that my BPD and BP is getting in the way of me being a good parent. Its getting worse for me. I've just been started on new meds so I know its going to take some time to adjust, but I'm really worried that I'm being a horrible parent to my babies. They are 2 and 4, and I can't handle the stresses of everyday life with them. And it doesn't help that I rarely get a break from them. I'm a stay at home mom, and my ex husband never gets them for his weekend visits, so the only time I get a break is when my parents babysit for a couple of hrs so my bf and I can so to a movie or something. My bf watches them anytime I want to get out, but I usually lack the motivation to go out unless he goes with me. I don't normally like going out without him, but once I get out I do have fun. Its just that initial part of getting the motivation to get up and go. I realize I need to make time for myself, but all of that aside, I'm having alot of trouble keeping my patients with the little things. I'll be in the kitchen cooking and if my son comes in there asking me for a drink I'll flip out and go crazy with yelling and cussing. And I can't handle the little kids arguments they have and the crying and whining. But hell, they're both just little kids! I get tremendous help from my bf, who often has to handle all the situations for me, but I still need to be able to do it myself. I don't want my kids to grow up with a mom like me. Sometimes I think they would be better off without me. I hear about ppl who grow up with a parent like me, and their story is never a good one. I'm SOOOOO worried of my kids growing up to be disturbed. What can I do to keep that from happening? I'm constantly beating myself up over this and right now this is my biggest fear in life.

[CrzyBeautiful1]

Yes, I DEFINITELY want to change that about myself. I am alot better than I used to be. And yes, we do have really great resources here. I'm very thankful for them. When my ex husband and I split up, he had quit his job at the police department to move to Texas with his new gf, and so I no longer had health insurance and I was worried I wouldn't be able to see my pdoc anymore, but I talked to the center about my situation and found out they have a program for ppl with low income. I filled out the paperwork and now when I see my pdoc its only $30 for the visit and $25 to see the nurse practitioner or the talk therapist, and thats it...no other fees. My pcp's office has the same program for ppl with no insurance. Theres also a good samaritan clinic here for ppl with no insurance, and they ask that u pay what u can, but if u can't they'll still see u for free. The docs that work their volunteer their time to do so.

[Xila31]

I'm glad it worked out for you! It sounds like you have good resources where you live.

Yes, I get the same way. It is hard to believe when someone says something positive about me. It is easier to remember the bad things. That is one thing I would like to change about myself.

[CrzyBeautiful1]

Well guys, I spoke with my son's behavior therapist today and expressed my concerns with him as far as my parenting goes. I also told him that I was just diagnosed with BPD and BP, which he pretty much already knew, and he said that the counseling and guidance center where he is (which is where my pdoc is at also) has a parenting class and he had actually already talked to the coordinator of the class about me and he said he was planning on asking me if I would be interested in joining the class anyway. So it actually worked out perfect. He said he would let me know about when the classes begin so we can get me started! Thanks for the advice ILADVOCATE!

Xila, yes it definitely makes me feel alot better when someone comments on my parenting. Although, sometimes when they do I secretly think they're just saying that to be nice. lol. I always feel so low about myself...ok MOST of the time I do...not ALWAYS.

[Xila31]

You know, even though sometimes I feel like I'm a bad mom because I'm not so playful or cheerful all the time, my brother-in-law did tell me recently that I am a good mother and that was nice to hear.

[freebird227]

You are soooo very welcome. PM me anytime you want to go private with a situation
Much Love Headed Your Way

[CrzyBeautiful1]

thank u for ur sweet reply, freebird227...U have given me hope. :)

[freebird227]

Oh yea I forgot to qualify myself... Bi-Polar 1 rapid cycler, Borderline, Ocd, recovering addict
Mother of one grandmother of 3
Godmother of 2

[freebird227]

It stops here!!!!!! For years thats what drove me, stopping the cycle of abuse and emotional neglect.
I did not have any good roll models to teach me about the art of parenting, I truely believe there is a method to the madness, that works for most all parenting situations.
So I had to do most or the research of resourses myself. I had several questions, a few would be
A. Am I an abusive parent
B. What defines abusive
C. Are my children in danger
D. What tools of nurturing age app. should I be using
E  How should I dicipline

  In North Carolina we have several state supported resourses avalible to teach effective parenting, a lot of it will determine what Style of parenting you subscribe to.
I go to church but even if I didn't I would support spritual teaching of our children
  Books   great resourse.. again your Style will determine what you choose.
A Great Book for you would be A Return To Love by; Maryanne Williamson
Congrats on going back to school..Getting your own needs  met is a FIRST THINGS FIRST...............Children can't drink from an empty well.....Good Luck

I know you're a good mother because you put out this post...half the battle is knowing there is a problem.........be blessed

[omg25]

I think church is a great idea..i started going back to church and it helps alot..the kids get to go to there classes and i get to have some peace and quite..Im so scared that what i have will effect my kids in the long run too. My mother was very neglective and abusive so i think breaking the cycle is a good idea..I also started taking my kids for walks. They get energy out and i get exercise. Its a win win situation.

[CrzyBeautiful1]

Well, my kids started preschool today, and in a couple of weeks I start school again so I'm hoping that being away from them all day will help. Of course the stresses of me going to school might make me cranky in the evening, having to deal with homework, dinner, baths, cleaning, etc. Guess we'll see!

For some reason I never thought of parenting classes, but I might just look into that. I think that would be interesting. I really think its time I get back into church too...maybe that can help me to realize my priorities.

[Kmccrank]

I completely understand I too am a stay at home mom.  Its tough my son is 3 1/2yrs old and he pushes my buttons.  I was at that point where you think your never gonna be better and you wish it would end.  I have been hospitilized twice because I acted on the inpulse.  I can now say though that I am better.  It takes time but you will get better.  You just have to attend all therapy appts and see your pdoc regularly and be comletely honest.  I also find it helpful to go outside after my fiaance gets home for at least 30 min to difuse.  

[Xila31]

I understand how you feel. I worry about my kids, too. I know when I'm not in a good mood I get snippy and mean. I don't want to be that way toward them. But when they sit there repeating the same word for ten minutes it is enough to drive normal people up the wall.

I think the important thing here is that you recognize your behavior has an effect on  your kids. You don't want to hurt them and you're seeking treatment. That is the number one step. I'm glad you have a boyfriend who will help you out. You do need to know your triggers and maybe if your boyfriend knows them as well it could be a big help. Just keep focused on the positive. You are being treated, you will get better. I wish I could help more.

[ILADVOCATE]

Its hard to prioritize your own recovery with the needs of your children but both are equal. You could speak to a talk therapist about it and also attend parenting classes. It might be good as well to learn to identify emotional trigger points that set you off and learn to "defuse" them, whether they occur from your children or anyone else for that.