How can I explain this to others?

[ragedandsaddened]

About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I had finally gotten tired of making up any excuse to get out of work I thought my life would be better if I didn't have to work and my doctor gave me Lamictol and Celexa. I got pregnant and I refused to take them the second I knew because there wasn't any information on it and it came to pass that I was right and was very glad that I didn't. But honestly pregnancy seemed to, in itself, make me feel great! I had no episodes, I was calm and collected and I felt normal and even 2 years after I gave birth. So I wasn't taking my medication and I just recently started back on it.
I am rageful and have many up and down episodes that are back to back. I will be angry for days and clean the house from top to bottom on many occasions throughout the day feel like I'm on Cloud 9 and then so depressed that even my husband begging for a little bit of understanding or screaming at me because he doesn't know what to do doesn't phase me. I feel like taking care of my daughter is a need in life rather than, that I want to as I've done before. I still play with her and she still makes me laugh we do everything together but it feels so repetitious now that at night I just feel beaten down.
Tonight my husband and I have been fighting a lot and I just wanted him to leave me alone so I told him that the only reason I was with him still was because of our daughter and that I didn't want her to have to be in a broken home.
I know that I very much meant what I said but when he left to go think about things I worried. I feel like I'm standing in a corner watching someone else try to ruin my life. I know I love him very much but we are getting further and further apart. How do I explain whats going on so he doesn't think what I say when I say it so convincingly but I know I won't mean it in the future?

[lindahand]

There is a book called "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie Fast. It is $14 on Amazon. That may help him understand what you are going through.

I also think apologies are really important. When you are having a stable day, write him a letter of all the things he does that you appreciate, and the things you love about him. Be really detailed. I love how you say my name, I love running my hands through your hair. I will never forget the first time we kissed, I appreciate you take out the trash, that you tell me I am beautiful, etc. Make two copies. One for you that you try to remember to read before you yell, and one for him to build him up.

Also examine what you fight about. Is there a 'real' issue there that needs to be addressed or are you fighting for the sake of the adrenaline rush? If there are a variety of 'real' issues needing to be discussed and you can't figure out how to do it on your own consider seeing a family therapist. If you ask around there are some non-profit ones that work on a sliding scale meaning that the less you earn the less you pay so that makes it more affordable, as well some workplaces now have Employee Assistance Programs (EAP). There would be brochures in the workplace. The workplace is not notified that you are seeking therapy either. It is completely confidential.

Because if you fight in front of your little girl, you are writing on the slate of her life, you are creating instability for her. So if the two of you can't do it for yourselves, do it for her.

Each night my husband 'tucks' me in since he goes to bed later than I do. He just lays beside me, we hold hands, and talk a little. It is moments like that which are important. When you are raving manic you may not have control so it is doubly important when you do have control to use that time to foster a strong bond.

The other issue is to get your episodes under control. The Bipolar Survival Guide  Second Edition by David J. Miklowitz PhD is an excellent resource. Good for both of you to read. It covers the latest in medication and give some practical ideas for management.

Good luck.

[taytay0308]

MY STEP MOM WAS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH ALSO SHE WANTED ME TO PASS ON THIS INFO TO MY HUSBAND SO HE HAD A BETTER UNDERSTAND AND WAYS OF DEALING WITH IT. ITS United Behavioral Health THEY REALLY HELPED WITH FIND OUT WAS TO THEM TO UNDERSTAND TRY LOOKING UP THAT WEBSITE THE GROUP NUMBER YOU WOULD WANT TO BE IN COB123 THAT SHOULD BE THE GROUP FOR BIPOLAR AND YOU CAN GET LOTS OF INFO AND STUFF ON THAT ALOT OF FACTS THAT WILL HELP SOMEONE UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH .... HOPE THIS HELPS BEST OF LUCK

[babybonita]

I know exactly how you feel. My hubby puts up w/ my sudden outbursts & irritable ways . Sometimes I wonder why & how? He's learned to block me when I'm acting irrational. We've been married since I was dx 10yrs ago.I think in time your honey will get it. I continue behavior therapy & Med compliance.I'm doing the best I can. Continue on doing the best you can.

[marry34]

I feel your pain i get into moods and i cant stop i start cleaning in the middle of the night sometimes i dont remember what i said i wish i had someone who understood instead i get labeled as being crazy i have 3 grls i feel like a failure

[ILADVOCATE]

  Relationship therapy or therapy that deals with parenting issues might be of help. A person can experience sudden anger and other marked changes during a mixed state and some medications may be more helpful on that than others. Also a person can in bipolar (it has happened to me) be unaware of or be unable to cope with their actual feelings. It would be worthwhile to speak to a psychiatrist about your own concerns and there are ways to address the others as well.