Same stuff, different day

[hyeyung]

I'm feeling pretty lousy.  I'm finding it difficult to grasp the reality of being Bipolar and having other issues.  Having BPD I is crippling my life and it just gets worse as I get older.  I don't want to have to be heavily medicated until I die, I don't want to be in therapy until I die, and I don't want to anticipate episodes until I die.  I want to have a life and this isn't living.  I want to have finished school but my health just interrupts my goals.  It's hard for me to find worth in all of this.  I'm stuck in a situation that most people don't understand, don't want to understand, or are incapable of understanding.  It's hard dealing with "life issues" at whatever age you're at and then there is this ... and other junk.  

Why should I continue to buy contacts/glasses every other month because I'm losing my vision?  Why should I keep trying to leave myself notes and even ask people to remind me of appointments or something important when my memory is rapidly going down hill?  Why am I letting people tell me that they're sorry, they don't know what is wrong?  Everything about me is supposedly healthy and they just can't wrap their head around why everything is deteriorating.  I want to have long term goals, none of these stupid short term goals, like waking up.  Life is hard, I get that.  I also understand it's not fair.  But this is out of hand and don't tell me that you haven't questioned whether all of this is worth it or not.  We all question our significance at one point or another.  

I don't have anyone.  My only friend has stuck by me as well as he could and he's awesome for all the effort he's put into our friendship, but it's wearing him down.  He can't say anything to me because he just can't understand and that's not his fault ... but my aspirations are far from him.  I don't know if I can survive from extreme loneliness.  Everyone tells me to separate myself as far from my family as possible, but I've tried that.  Just because I'm not near them doesn't mean that they aren't capable of belittling me.  I am financially dependent upon them because of my health.  I can't live with them because my father is an abusive alcohol who has verbalized his desire that I should be dead, etc.  And this is where I'm at.  Why am I doing all of this?  Maybe my dad is right.  Maybe this is his shining moment as a parent - being honest.  I know it may seem dumb for me to accept what he said as justified - it took me a bit to get over it and I'm still harboring sadness deep inside, but breaking it down, it doesn't seem as horrible as it did before.  

I don't know.  I'm experiencing suicidal tendencies but I'm not suicidal, if that makes sense.  I just don't want to have anything to do with anything or anyone.  I'm already a generous person, but what I really want, if I decide all of this is worth something, is just to live in a small place.  I'm a minimalist and I can't stand the emptiness of my apartment.  

YES, I know I should talk to my therapist and psychiatrist about medication and feelings, blah, blah, blah.  I'm not an idiot, so please, if you respond to my vent - don't preach to me something I already know.

[hyeyung]

Even though there are more resources nowadays, there is still the task of finding the right place for YOU.  Like finding the right doctor.  I think I can say, with assurance, that the majority of people who have a mental illness or any reason to see a therapist/psychiatrist, etc. don't always click with the first person they find.  It is tedious ... an annoying.  You have to go back and forth, looking for someone you're compatible with - someone who actually notices you, someone who genuinely cares; someone who isn't in it for just a pay check.  But in between all the searching, you have to constantly repeat yourself; your story.  And also answer the same questions, whether verbally or written.  It wears you out.  It has taken me a long time to find someone I can work with, and unfortunately, they usually retire or I move, which makes it more tiring ...

BPD doesn't usually stand by itself.  There are all these other problems, whether they're "normal" or health related.  It messes your head up, frustrates you - and the same goes for the people around you.  

[Alex_X_18]

I can totaly empathise with some of the things you are saying in this paragraph.....
bipolar ******* sux it and it just makes it so hard to be independant sometimes when I get depressed im just thinking whats the point I am so much maitence even to myself
its like I have bipolar and diabetes and I can't eat junk food or stay up late and it just causes me to have problems in my relationships bipolar is a really strong stigma
I guess a starting point is developing a strong support network making websites like these or going to a support group so that you can find other who understand your point of view

[hyeyung]

I just can't find optimism concerning my future and state of mind.  I've been told I'm young and I have the whole world open - lots of opportunities, etc.  But I don't feel young.  In fact, I feel very, very old.  I feel past my "prime".  I got this from my foster parents.  They have a hardcore idea of how life should be lived and even though I have to fight for my independence, it would be a lie for me to say at least 80% or higher soaks in.  I don't want to care what they say, but unfortunately, for some reason, I do, and I don't know what to call it.  Perhaps love.  I love a lot of people even if they've turned their backs on me for really petty reasons.  

I go through mood swings like crazy.  It's usually between depressed/no future and an idea of my utopia, but when it shifts, it's not optimism.  It's more like me talking about how much of a jerk my abusive alcoholic foster father is or how neurotic and childish my foster mother is ... you get the point.  But I do dream.  I just can't focus on it for very long.  And that's what it is.  It's a dream, not so much a goal since my apathy and depression win.  

I have no concerns over killing myself.  The way I feel about things is just slimming down.  I don't like to be overloaded with things surrounding me because like I said, it makes me feel more alone.  The loneliest times I've experienced are when I'm in a crowd.  I would be happy to live out of a junky one bedroom apartment with a scary bathroom and perhaps have to supply myself with a mini-fridge.  When I'm home, I usually stay in one room.  I have even slept in the bath tub.  

Don't mistake my generosity as suicidal tendencies.  It frustrates me that kindness is portrayed as being out of your mind.  There are so many good things that people can present but they're misinterpreted as something negative because they've basically gone out of fashion.  It's unusual to be nice.  People are either taken aback in awe or suspicious.  It's a shame.  But wanting to get rid of all my stuff ... what little I have, doesn't mean I want to die.  I follow this moral: I did not bring myself into this world, therefore I have no authority to take myself out of it.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes its depressing at first to realize the need to have to stay in treatment. Even I went through that at first. I can't say its easy but after a while when you can accept what you have is there for life but its treatable you tend to feel better. I know some people find a time in their life that was good and try to look back to it but I find it better to look to the future and plan some specific recovery goals. Its good to have any friends or acquaintences you can talk this over with to begin with and just expand their circle of friends. Sometimes people don't feel comfortable disclosing but that's fine too. I would strongly agree that any suicidal ideations should be talked over with a psychiatrist. If they aren't realistic but tend to come and go that's still of concern. It is hard to accept that you have to remain in treatment but if you do there's no reason to have to accept suicidal ideations or destructive thoughts. What medication doesn't work on for bpd cognitive behavioral therapy might.