Im about to cry. ;~;

[Snakenstein]

Ive been binge eating for some reason, I dont know why. But as im doing it an inner voice is like "STOP IT STOP IT YOUR DISGUSTING, YOUR A PIG YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING" and i keep doing it. And then i think about purging but i just dont have the balls to do it. Then i crave food again, allow myself to eat ******* binge and then BAM! Im being tortured by that ******* voice. I cant do this. I just cant do it. I want to blow my brains out. Im the ugliest most fat thing ever and i dont know whats wrong with me. I was so happy two weeks ago, and now im ****, nothing but ****. I need to just get all this food up and out. Now. This is the worst form of torture ever, i cant escape the voice or myself. Like im being controlled by two separate entities and i am just the victim. The little ******* doll.  
I cant do this, i cant live anymore. I cant. Im so so very upset right now. So incredibly upset.

[Xila31]

I really feel for you. I have that horrible voice in my head, too. That one that is never happy with you and that always puts you down. I have a lot of horrible self-image issues. I have starved myself and tortured myself so horribly over the years off and on. You have said before your mom wants to help you. Go to her and tell her what is happening. I can tell you as a mother that I would help my kids in an instant if I learned they had a problem. You are so fortunate to have a mom that will help you.

I know it is probably easier to go to a bunch of strangers to ask for help, but your mom is going to be your hero right now. Go to her and let her know and get in to see a psychiatrist. You can get past this and have that normal life you want. Just because you're different doesn't mean you're not normal. No one is normal and everyone is weird and different in some way.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Go seek help for this immediately.  I had to watch two loved ones go through starving themselves although the first one was a cat I was really close to who became depressed I guess and gave up on life and wouldn't eat anymore after we lost the place she'd lived in her whole life.  Then I had to go through this again although even worse and watch the person I've been in a relationship with waste away until she looks like a concentration camp victim laying down and I've become emotionally detached from it due to expecting her to die any day now and it's physically impossible for me to take her to the hospital or I would of several months ago.  It started out OH 300-400 CALORIES IS A-OK and then now it's like 70 calories or less a day all because food disgusts her and she's afraid of getting fat and thinks she's fat.  She used to do other things to lose weight but I'm not going to list them here for fear of giving you ideas.  Don't even research things to do to lose weight.  If you get to starving like that your hair and nails and such will stop growing and fall out and your organs will be damaged beyond repair among lots of other nasty things.  If you keep down this path get used to having no energy to even do simple easy things and you might end up on a walker prematurely even because of your bone density getting totally ****** up and all you're going to accomplish is hurting the people who care about you and yourself in the end.

[ILADVOCATE]

I would think if things have gotten to that point it would important to speak to a psychiatrist as soon as possible. I had a cousin with anorexia and bullemia and they were treated with Risperdal (in addition to talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy) and they were able to recover. Its good that you haven't gotten to the point of purging. Don't let yourself as that can be highly dangerous. If you are hearing voices at the same time its important to understand whether they are just yourself speaking or seem to come from outside or you or are seperate. I am not sure whether they are psychotic or not but a psychiatrist would know and at this point it would be essential to follow up before things get worse.

[JennyDots]

Well, it used to be easy, but I was so addicted to it, and it got really bad... I lost a bunch of teeth, screwed up my electrolytes, got swollen ankles from lack of protein, it wasn't the best way to deal with things! You've got a lot going for you, you're sensitive, and you're really brave to post about these things. There's a good eating disorder website called SomethingFishy... I'm sending you good thoughts!!!

[Snakenstein]

How can people possibly purge? I need it now. Im dieing inside.

[JennyDots]

I used to have bulimia, binged and purged and hated myself (1) for the way I looked, (2) for what I was doing about it. In fact I hated myself most when I was purging, but immediately afterwards I would feel like I was OK! I was also so, so, so angry. I ate anger and purged anger. I finally asked for help. Talking about it was SO hard, I was so ashamed, but I found out lots of others do the same thing! I went to a partial hospital program and it helped a lot. It took a long time, but I haven't purged in at least 10 years and I'm (most of the time) really comfortable with my weight and how I look. Hang in there, things CAN get better!!!

[Snakenstein]

Why cant i just be normal. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?! ;~;