In two weeks I've got my first appointment with the Psychologist and I already very nervous about it. Just wondering what it will probably be like?
Thing is, right now if I saw her I would feel a fraudster as I am ok at the minute. When I went to see my GP I was feeling very depressed, was self-harming and thinking of suicide everyday (although I didn't mention feeling suicidal). I had been before with OCD symptoms, about 5 years before so I just asked if I could take them up on the offer to see someone, an offer I had not used before. So I was referred and got my appointment letter through today.
I'm embarressed to go because of how my mood swings, how am I going to explain it. I don't even know if I'm bipolar but I felt it would fit in better here than in the depression forum. I've finally crept out of over 2 months of depression, self harm and feeling suicidal. I might feel fine for ages now, but I know from the past years that this isn't the end of things. I always get my hopes up and think I'm cured but I have always dropped and hit rock bottom again.
Sometimes I am buzzing and it is not until I am back to normal that I look back and realise how dangerous or stupid the things I did were. I explained it best in my first post: "I will spend loads of money, stay out late, not have a care in the world. Whatever really pops in my head as something fun to do I will go for it, jump straight in without thinking, nothing is quite fast or loud enough - and I'll do as much as I can while I can. I feel like no rules apply to me, I can do whatever I want. That's why things don't make sense, because how can I feel that free and full of life at times and then so bad at others? Sometimes I feel that this must be how everyone feels, I just don't handle it well and that I need to get a grip. I think it would be easier if it was one or the other but when ever I feel good it gives me hope that I am normal and that it will stay that way, but it never does. :( I hope that makes some sense."
How am I supposed to walk in, grinning from ear to ear and explain that I am depressed? What will they do? or ask?
Thanx for reading. xx