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foster son defecating himself and lying
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foster son defecating himself and lying

I am in need of a little parental advise.  For the past 4 months, we having been taking care of a 3yr old boy who looks 5 and talks like a 7yr old.  He was severely neglected by his mother and she asked us to adopt him.  He defecated himself today and did not tell anyone.  He is fully potty trained and we have never encountered this before.  All of a sudden we see "mud spots" on the floor and we are wondering who tracked mud in the house.  My husband opens our guest bathroom door and the smell hits us.  There is feces all over the floor, all over the toilet and when we checked him, all over him.  Yet he stands there and blames it on my nephew and refuses to budge.  Even when we show him the evidence.  My first reaction was to hit the roof, but I went to our bedroom and sat down to think.  I don't know how to handle this and at this point, I want DFCS to come and get him. What do we do?
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He is probably acting out - since he was a foster child and was severely neglected he has a lot of emotional baggage he is carrying around with him.  Even if he has seemed fine in your house all this time - years of neglect and abuse don't just go away.    Has he ever been evaluated for an attachment disorder?  Reactive Attachment Disorder (which is common in severely neglected foster kids) will sometimes make kids do things like that.  
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13167_tn?1327197724
tanimihos - do you have experience with children?  Have you raised children of your own?

I sense parenthood is new to you - but I could be wrong.  A troubled 3 year old who smears poop in the bathroom and blames someone else isn't totally out in left field,  behaviorally.

If you are interested in fostering him,  I think you need some childhood developmental training,  and parenting classes.  Three year olds are babies.  Even if he's a great big 3 year old with an attitude.  That's still a baby.  

Best wishes.  


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Hi there, sounds like if he's regressing, there might be some psychological issues? I do know that sometimes even potty trained kids can regress at this age, but if he was doing fine, then all of a sudden started to exhibit this behavior, it's worth getting checked out by the pediatrician. He's not a baby, a three year old Child, is a child, not a baby. So don't let anyone make you think you should just put up with a kid smearing poop all over the wall at that age, that's not normal. It might be normal for him to have accidents, but this sounds more intense. If he was abused and neglected as you say, then this might be a reactive symptom , him acting out his anger or hurt or frustration. Don't give up on him just yet,  get him some help and work with him. That's what I would do.  Good luck to you.
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The last thing this child needs is to be "returned" like an unwanted puppy.  This incident is simple.  He needs love, reasonable discipline, and stability.  If you're not prepared to do that for him, why did you take him?
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Avatar_n_tn
Oh my god. He is 3. He won't even remember that he used to do that when he reaches 4,5,6...which means you can help him forget the bad stuff he's been through too. He'll be a different kid by the time he really is 7. He will naturally be a strong willed smart alec like they all are when they reach that age, but you have the opportunity to at least help him be a well adjusted one. Even though he may speak on a higher level he does not reason on one. However he is smart enough to test you. I hope you pass. Good luck. You have a wonderful opportunity to make a positive difference in this boys life and to raise him to become a well adjusted citizen.
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340493_tn?1197708436
Hi I agree with the others, don't give up on him so soon, kids can do some plain old wierd things at that age, even normal non abused kids who live with their natural parents!  It will not be easy  but don't give up on him.    Just read around these boards and see how many other parents have struggles with their kids his age concerning their toilet habits some holding it and refusing to go, some going on themselves etc and these are kids who live with their natural moms!  A lot of kids his age goes through wierd phases so don't think this is some wierd thing  where he's the only 3yr old on the planet who does that, :)  he will be okay and you will be okay, just stick with it. Good luck!
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Avatar_f_tn
As a foster parent, I hate to tell you but this is nothing for a child that has been through the hell that I suspect he has gone through. There will more than likely be alot of behaviors to follow. If you are not in it for life, you need to call DFS and ask to have him moved before he becomes attached. Moving a child after they are attached, causes a loss and losses produce Reactive Attachment Disorder. The sooner he is moved, the better off everyone will be.

DFS does not usually prepare foster parents for the behaviors that they will be a witness to. You have to do it to help the children. You have to try to understand their behaviors and help them get over their past. Not everyone is cut out to do that and that is ok but please do not hurt this child anymore than he has been hurt. He needs parents that are very loving and who will love him no matter what.

I know children that hold their bowel movements due to previous sexual abuse. After so long, they will have a BM whether they want to or not. It usually has a very strong odor to it and it is very dark. These children have usually been in trouble before for going in their pants so they will lie about it. They hold their BM so they will not have to feel any pain in their rectum, as they have before. Each BM can reproduce memories of the abuse.
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Avatar_n_tn
my child 4 just poohed on the floor and she said somthinng about not telling anyone she was a baby.  Do you think she just wanted attention?  She gets nothing but attention from me, her grandma and her loving nany.  Maybe she just wanted to be a baby agian and not have to clean her room or work with the teacher on her letters.  
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Listen carefully to what your child tells you. She's giving you clues as to what she's thinking and feeling. She's old enough to begin to discuss what happened with you, even if it is just at a very basic level. Ask her if she sometimes wishes she was a baby. Ask her what she thinks is good about being a baby. Ask her if she thinks there's anything good about being 4 years old, or older. Ask her if she's worried that people will think she's a baby because of what she did. Tell her that she can pretend to be a baby when she plays but it's unhealthy to poop on the floor because poop  is dirty and has germs, and that's why we put it in a toilet. Some days are sure harder than others.
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