kind of mixed up;

[mandy876]

I have been with you for a while now.  I feel that I am not getting better.  today was a bad day.  I cant seem to pull myself together.  I am quitting medhelp.  I will miss all of my sweet friends,  I just don't feel like talking any more.  im just so tired and don't  want to even think about what I am going through.  thanks for being there for me. good luck to all of you and the best of health.  I don't know what to do.  good luck.

[VICourageous]

Hi I would not leave..I am in my 7 month and I feel some strange emotions too!! I am 56 and have used off and on all my life..I had always walked away from it..I just thought it was a party..Until the opiates and methadone got me..I know here in N Idaho the Weather plays a big part on the Depression..So come back so we can talk..OK????

[Anneinside]

The forum provides a places to vent, listen to others, learn new things and support others. We can not make you better, only you and your medical support system can do that. It is unrealistic to expect an online support group to fix your problems. That said, they can provide ideas for you to try to make your situation better.

[sara12345]

You say that you don't know what to do.  Have you talked to a doctor about your feelings?  You need medical help.  You can turn away from MedHelp, but don't turn away from medical help.  We all wish you the best.

[Tess6580]

I am new to Medhelp but I know what it feels like to not want to talk when you're not having a good day. If you have the strength the most important thing is contacting your doctor right away to ask for help. Get an appointment as soon as possible. Another really great site is Goodtherapy.org, not only can you read other peoples stories but its a place to find a good therapist. Good Luck.

[mandy876]

my doctor is not a good listener.  I tell him my problems and he asks what I think he should do.  I guess he would give me any pills I wanted,  I want to be me and happy again.  it has been a long time,  I lost my dad then I had breast cancer then my hubby died.  my mom kept me going she needed me.  I had to keep going.  after several years.  her alzeimers got worse and I asked her to live with me.  against my family.  they wanted to dump her in a nursing home.  no way.  I loved my mom sooo much the last time we went to the hospital they said they could do no more for her.  I said mom and I are going home.  the new doctor changed her meds to buspar and she was so much better,  but still didn't know who anyone was.  when she died that was the most terrible day of my life I had no one that loved me unconditionally.  I know I will never be well I am 72. thank you.  mandy876

[Nighthawk61]

Now now Mandy, my dear woman, you mustn't throw out the baby with the bathwater, yeah it ***** that the medical profession can sometimes feel like they are being  purposefully obtuse, and maybe you're not getting what you need from them, and commit to finding more help.

You know, I've had the same losses as you, my husband, my parent's . I kept my mom with me too, until she passed. She liked to smoke, she passed at 75 and spent a decade in her room smoking cigarettes and watching tv, because she wanted to. Putting my mom in an institution would have been like jail for her. I appreciate how much you miss your mom, but if things are as we are all led to believe , or want to believe your mom is happy and healthy right now. She's looking down at her wonderful caring daughter who is aging herself. The circle of life is a wonderful thing, and you will both be reunited, and healthy again together. Life challenges us to be at our best for our loved ones when they need us the most. You passed with flying colors, and your mom is so proud of you.

I've got one very special friend that I keep in touch with here, and a few more that i talk to privately.  It's nice to hear how their week is going, and yes, sometimes it can be emotional talking about hardships, but it helps to have someone else share our burdens.  It also gives a person a lot if you can manage to help somebody out here or there. We're going to bear the same burdens, with or without friends. Put your family drana on hold, and reach out to people who do relate to you, me for one? xo  Liz

[sara12345]

You say that your doctor would probably give you any pills that you wanted.  Why don't you ask for his recommendation of what medication he thinks might help you.. and then you take it.  Medication totally brought me back from the brink of suicide.  Also what about some therapy?  Don't just give up.  That's the depression having its way.  You deserve so much better.  Getting older is the greatest challenge of all as the people you love die and you have increasing disabilities of your own.  But still, life can be so much better.  Please don't give up.  And there are lots of us on here that can empathize with you.  Sara

[mandy876]

thank you my mom was 96 she had been very healthy all her life.  had her a big garden.  when daddy and my hubby we had no one to plow her garden.  so I took her shopping a lot.  we talked several times a day.  I love those days.  we made each other happy.  I feel the Effexor is the right med but I just have my bad days.  my niece said did you want grandma to live always.  I said no hospice helped me at the last.  the parson.  told me I needed  to talk to mom.about  leaving.  that was the hardest thing I had to do.  o told mom it is time for you to go to daddy.  he is waiting for you and I will be alright.  I could not help but cry.  mom had not shown feelings in a while. she reached up and wiped my tears away.  I started to get up.  she grabbed me and hugged me.  she  died a few days later.   mandy876

[sara12345]

What a beautiful story about your mother's last days.  You must be very proud of everything that you did for her.  I think that your tears were very important to her. And what you told her was just right.  I said the same thing to my mother as she was dying.  She was struggling so much the last week of her life.  They told me at the hospice facility that she had the signs of dying and she could die in the next day or two.  When I asked her about dying, she said that she wanted to live.  I finally said in a stern tone, but why Mom?  She cried and cried and then said, because I don't want to lose your love.  Then I told her that she had far more love waiting for her from those that she had lost who loved her so much and that I would be okay.  I had told her again and again about the TV show where people died and then were brought back to life.  Most of them recounted more peace, bliss and love than they had ever felt in their life.  And most of them said that a loved one beckoned to them.  But at this point as I recounted it, she for the first time asked me if the people were real.  I said, YES, and went on about it.  Then she stopped crying, got a big smile on her face that lasted a long time.  Then she died the next day.  You told your mother the same kind of thing and showed your love with your tears.  Feel so grateful for that time with her.  Sara

[sara12345]

P.S. the anniversary of her death is tomorrow.

[mandy876]

that is so strange that we both went through nearly the same thing.  sounds like you were a wonderful daughter and you should be so proud of yourself.  it was not easy.  but im sure it was not easy raising me and my sister.  it was her turn to be taken care of.  my mom and dad would have been 100 this year.  I so miss them and my hubby too.  thank you that lightened my heart knowing there is other people out there that feel the way I do.  god bless you.  mandy876

[mandy876]

it is good to talk to you.  I like to know people that have a good heart.  some times I think my heart is too much and let people use me.  when I love someone I don't stop.  no matter what. but you have to draw a line somewhere. I do feel my mom is around.  I feel her sit on the foot of my bed. I wake but I am afraid if I look she will go away.  this is crazy but when my niece moved in she brought 2 cats. her favorite which she says is a little biatchy just like her.  she was she was figgy.  but gizmo was the second we bonded immediately.  the first night we were all in the dining room.  I said I am going to bed.  and said hey mo you going with me.  he strutted down the hall jumped on the foot of my bed.  that is where he stayed until he got sick and died.  everything I love seems to die or move away.  don't understand why does god keep doing this to me? mandy876

[Nighthawk61]

When you're up partying it up in heaven, your niece and nephew will feel your loss the same way as you are for your mom dad and husband. The thing is , they don't really die, and they don't really go away. They are very much alive, and have the ability to visit you more sometimes from heaven, then when on earth. You just have to believe that they are there, even if you can't touch them or see them, yet. What's happening now, is akin to when your parent's let you attend summer camp, briefly. This separation will be brief (even if it you're here for years and years without them). Your loved ones only hope and pray that you're having a good time.(as good as we can have, getting older ourselves right ? lol).  

[sara12345]

Mandy,
It's wonderful that you feel your mother around you too.  She is looking over you and wishing you the very best.  I know it. Animals are especially difficult because they don't have long life spans.  If you think that you can stand losing another cat, then I would try getting another cat.  And as we get older, it is so much more difficult, because we have more and more people dying that we know.  I do truly wish that you would see your doctor and ask for a better anti-depressant or raising your dose.  If your doctor doesn't know, make sure to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.  It really seems like you have a chemical imbalance as I've had in my system all of my life.  

Again, it has been so wonderful for me to share the stories of our mothers.
Much love to you.
Sara

[mandy876]

I loved my gizmo who we called momo when my niece moved in she brought her 2 favorite cats,  the one she loved was cranky.  at night I could hear her ib her room she would fuss at figgy and figgy would fuss right back.  it was so cute.  they got in an argument every night.  she would wake up and figgy would be asleep on her head.  momo became mine.  where ever I went he was right there.  if we left for the day he would not have anything to do with me.  then I would bring him a sack of kitty snacks.  wow he was my best buddy again.  I never knew what it was like to love a cat.  the cat the people leftnext door.  his name is OREO he is black and white just like the  cookie.  he is an out door cat and has made many new friends he brings home to eat.   your friend    mANDY876

[sara12345]

Mandy,
Those are great stories.  Cats can be great companions.  I love my 2 outdoor cats since I have respiratory allergies to them and get asthma from them. I give them some petting each day, then have to rush to wash my hands, but I'll still get rashes  now that a Prolia injection I got many months ago still has my skin inflamed and I have terrible bone pain from it too.  Wish I had never had that injection.  Thanks for sharing the stories.
Sara

[mandy876]

the neighbors moved out well they were evicted.  they took over the house after their sister and dad died.  they never paid a payment that iknow of.  when they left they stripped the house of everything.  central air unit even the patio cover and took the siding off the toolshed.  they were messy.  they sold drugs  we asked about it.  they said we don't sell drugs just weed.  wonder what they think that is. oh they did not take their sisters cat.  my niece told them off.  but they still did not take him.  so we have been feeding him and our  other next door neighbor on the other side has 2 cats they became good friends.  we let him in a little.  he falls down on the floor on his back and want get up.  my niece was chasing him he was hiding behind the coffee table with is little black tail with a white tip on it standing straight up;  she went to get him and he jumped at her,  then feel in his back.  he is a cutie one of the neighbor cats comes over everyday and looks at the back door until I come out and feed him.  mandy876

[sara12345]

The cats do sound cute!  The one who falls down on his back is generally a submissive begging position.  That's what one of our cats did when he just showed up to the house.  He was clearly an indoor cat and it was in the middle of winter.  No houses near us.  Clearly he was dumped. We had plenty of cats and I was all set to take him to the Humane Society until he did that.  Then I said to my husband, "Look at him. Can I keep him instead?"  He loves to be petted when he does that.  But I should add that he had a problem with his penis sticking out and constantly leaking.  I took him to the vet right away who anesthetized him and unblocked it.  Then later I had him neutered.  He still leaks, but all my cats are outdoor ones because of my asthma and allergies to them.  But they have a heated area outside all winter.  They add so much to my life.

[mandy876]

it is such a pleasure to talk to you.  I cry but it is not the bad kind.  it is the happy memories.  I took my mom to the store and I was buying some root beer a soft drink.  she told me don't by that stuff when you are with me.  aman was standing there laughing.  you cant argue with your mom. but I did get my drinks.  then I said it is cold.  she told me if I wore more clothes I would not have to freeze.  it was summer.  I had my Bermuda shorts and a tee top on.  I was not showing anything.  I never did.  I was and stillam a little shy.  that is why people love tend to walk all over me. I have cried the last couple of days my left chest is hurting on and off.  same side I had my cancer on.  that scares me.  write to you later.  mandy876

[4Maddie44]

Keep in touch with me by message Mandy.  Are you sure you want to quit?  You get a lot of support here.

[sara12345]

Mandy,
It is always a pleasure to hear your wonderful stories.  How nice that you have such fond memories of being with your mother.  Just keep knowing that she IS with you now.  In a different way.  What has triggered your crying the last two days?  Are you taking any anti-depressants?  Sorry, I don't remember.  I would be dead without them--literally.  I have a great deal to be depressed about with my chronic pain from several diseases and am so disabled.  But once I increased my anti-depressant, the depression went away completely!  I was absolutely shocked!  I had told the doctor that given it was all situational, nothing could possibly help me.  The doctor told me later that she thought that the pain had finally gotten to me.  Many with chronic pain do commit suicide.  She thought that I was going to. But I am happy now.  Just to let you know a little about me.  But I understand that you are having a rough time.  Many years ago, I was severely depressed for years when the newer anti-depressants were not available.  I had the greatest life which I knew that it was at the time.  I felt very good about myself, but just plain had a biochemical clinical depression.  So I do understand some about your suffering.  Not completely at all.  But we have shared wonderful things about our mothers.

[mandy876]

venlafaxine 75mg.  the same as Effexor.i would be afraid to stop them I don't think I would stop crying.  it is building up in me.  it keeps me from crying. usually. take lorazapam for my anxiety,  and thyroid pills .I have some pain pills when my back hurts really bad, or when my jaw and hands gets to hurting.  take one every evening.  by then everything is hurting.  now I am having chest pains and stomach and intestinal cramps.  bad...when mom died I quit living I thought no one is left that loves me.  ijust set in the dark and cried.  stayed awake all night  slept a little in the day.ate very little.  lost down to 86 or less.  thought the doctor was g  I oing to pass out when he saw me.  my niece drug me to the doctor.  he said forget my chlorestrol.  just eat any and everything.  he looked at me said cant you smile.  I broke down and started crying. I wanted to be with the people who loved me,  sorry wish I could have some happy news.  mandy876

[sara12345]

I'm so glad that you're taking Effexor.  That was the one that worked for me, but everyone is different.  Since you said that it is building up in you, I'm assuming that you just started it recently.  If you've been on it for 4 weeks and still have trouble, then get it raised. I'm planning to take it for the rest of my life. Otherwise when you off of it, it gets more difficult to treat the depression and takes more of the medication to make it work.  Love is a 2-way street.  If you express love with caring for another person, listening to their situations, then the love will come back to you.  I don't mean giving stuff to them or even doing stuff for them.  You could even find love with a man.  I know that you just burst a blood vein over the mere suggestion.  But my mother joined a hospice group for widowers.  She even did the work of inviting people before each lunch at a restaurant.  She met the love of her life at age 78.  They were together for the next 10 years until she died.  You need to try to get out and meet other people.  There are people out there that will love your company and you will find company with them.  And yes love.  Could you volunteer a few hours a week?  I know that you are shy, but you have the ability to change your meager life.   Look at my mother.  She also met other women at the hospice group who visited her in her nursing home for 2 years until she died.  I would call that love too.