Please Respond, I cannot get this out of my head! It is long, very long, but yeah. Good morning or evening or day or night or afternoon ladies and gentlemen and hello. My name is Hamed Khatiz and I am a sixteen year old, adviser, friend, former friend, drummer, singer, writer and many more from Sydney NSW Australia. I have been thinking over the last couple of days about the time I lost my friends in August and anyone who has heard this before has heard it all before. I am intensely sorry for bringing the subject up again and making it seem the same old song, but this time it is different.
For those who don't know, whassup, name's Hamed. It all started one morning in August. Stefanie is a seventeen year old young woman who is intelligent, funny, beautiful, understanding, empathic (or empathetic) and respectful. She was to me too. We were mates, we would hang out together at the basketball courts at the bottom of our school and supported each other and smiled all the time and all the good stuff you normally see.
I woke up one morning and something was different. She looked down towards the floor instead of at me, have I got something on my face? Have I done something or said something to knock her off guard one day, what? It slowly deteriorated. A couple of days later, she wouldn't hug me, she would have an awkward smile on her face whenever she saw me adn it went downhill from there. Now, she screams at me, she blocked me on Facebook, she won't talk to me, look at me, be near me. August!!!!! :'(
We are graduating in same class and we cannot be in the same room.
We have not seen, heard from each other or talked to each other since Christmas. She blocked me and School's over, it is Summer break. Flip yeah!!!!!!!!!! You are up to speed.
In November, I finally mustered up the courage to write an email to her asking her what the flip her problem was and I got a very disheartening result. She accused me of making assumptions, calling my other friend a liar etc. I wrote the email very carefully, I really care about her and I did wasn't interested in hurting her at all. She musn't have gotten the point. I never heard why she hates me so much when everyone else seems to love me. Not from her, not fully.
OK, fast forwarding to a few days ago, probably the Wednesday the 11th of January, 2012 and I decided on a pivotal moment. I decided, for some unknown reason, to revisit the email. Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but I read it again. I was immediately angry. Anger is my main emotion, a couple of the guys would know what I mean, but I was rushing up. Big time. I was then sad and then began doubting and questioning what I could have done to make it better. I began doubting and questioning myself.
I mean seriously, what does she see in me so strongly, that she can't talk to me, be near me ever again???!!!
I have been bullied a giant chunk of my life, six years from sixteen. My whole life I have been told I am fake, I cannot do anything right. The rest of that time, I was told:
"Mate, you killed that performance"
"I really appreciate your confidence"
"You're amazing"
I went to my wonderful classmate, Courtney today asking her what she thought about me and she said all these wonderful things and I don't know why, I have trouble believing her. I keep thinking people are just being nice to me to make me feel better. Every time someone says something like that I am thinking:
"(Scoffs) Yeah Right (!)"
"Just stop saying that and tell me what you really think!"
Why can't I believe their compliments and remarks and why can't I get this girl out of my head?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still think incredibly highly of her, I always did, because I know she is better than this. She is amazing to everyone else, but not me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't even care about making amends anymore, I just want to forget. And I want to believe people when they tell me these things, I want that more than anything. I'm exhausted. :'(
Comments, support, love, answers, whatever. No questions, I am sick of questions.
Khatiz.