Meds? Outlook? Relationship? Why I am I so depressed?

[greenboogars]

About 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with a learning disorder called ADHD (attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder.  I was surprised by the diagnosis, as I had already graduated, straight A's and honors, with a BA in English--something that took a great deal of focus and attention.  To be honest, I still feel as though my condition may be more related to disillusionment and depression than to ADHD, however, after I stopped taking the Adderall that was prescribed to me due to severe appetite deficits and excessive weight loss, I am now extremely sad, emotionally unpredictable, losing lots of sleep, and generally feeling like ****.  To be honest, I felt pretty good while on the meds (during the day), but as soon as they wore off at night, I felt so depressed and lifeless.  The meds are an apetite suppressant, and so were causing me to lose too much weight and forget to eat, I don't think it was a healthy idea.  now however, i find myself at a loss...sometimes I just hate my life.  No one is ever satisfied with anything I do, and constantly being criticized and lectured has resulted in a more cynical, bitter and angry me.  I live in an area where writing talent is quite unappreciated, and hence am not bringing in much money right now.  I live with my boyfriend, and while we both agree that we want to move out of the area, we cannot yet afford to do so.  Things are extremely tense because we need more money coming in to save enough to move, yet we can't seem to save any, as we live in one of the highest rent areas of California (by chance, our parents both live here) and one of the lowest wage averages.
Frankly, I'm beyond sick of his positive attitude lectures... he has lived here his entire life, is well-connected, has a great, long-term job, a family that supports him...
while I go to work, after 6 years of straight A's, a 4 year degree, a 30 unit post grad cert, and make 10 ******* dollars an hour.  They pick on me if one tiny thing is out of place, pay me late and then wonder why I seem upset about it...etc
I guess I feel disconnected from him because he has always had everything so easy, and doesn't understand what it is like here for me.  In addition, the social climate is hostile to those who are not wealthy, so we don't have many friends.  To me, these fake yuppies are what's wrong with the world, not people I care about impressing--I am used to more plain-spoken, unpretentious folks, people you could trust with your life, let alone your emotions and secrets.  the people here hate me about as much as I hate them.  Often, I find myself considering running away in secret, hopping a train to anywhere.  When I'm more depressed, i think about driving my car off a windy beach cliff road--right onto the biggest mansion I can find, so they can see what real suffering is all about.
I'm so sick of people expecting things from me, and then using the inevitable failure of mine to live up to them as an excuse to treat me like a sub-standard form of life.
The point is, I used to love life, and people...what has changed so drastically in the past 2 years, and how can i stop wanting to take a scenic off the cliff drive?
Sincerely,
An Insignificant Outcast in Important People-ville

[mcmcorp45]

Well first understand you are already helping yourself by asking for help and looking for help. So that is a real good start!! be proud of that. To answer your question I was diagnosed by my regular GP doctor. Thats where you prob should start. Are there any hospitals around you that have clinics? Where money might not be such an issue. This is a good place to start. Second, In NY for example you can dial 311 and be connected to a councilor for free. See if your state/area has such a phone number. If you can get to a doctor they should be able to recommend a psychiatrist. From what you have said it seems as if you have some anxiety from the stress in life and that might be putting you into depression. If you are looking for some good articles and research on the issue take a look at the mayoclinic.com and webmd.com both good starts. If you are so depressed that you cannot work/function then you must find some help, I have been there before, still am really. But not as bad, as I have learned to deal with certain issues but I am not perfect or "cured", but there is hope. Hope for a better life is the cure now its just getting on the path to a better life and your already past step one!! You can do this.

So, try to look for a clinic where you can see a dr. If you need help let me know I will do what I can. Some times having just an ear to fall on helps alot. And you seem to already be reaching out.

How do you feel about those ideas?

Matt  

[greenboogars]

You wrote:

"Right now however, it appears you are suffering more from anxiety and depression, both of which are treatable.

You need to realize that most people who have not experienced psychological issues cannot or don't want to understand.  Some may have sympathy, but don't have the knowledge or resources to help.

Being mad at the world will not help. You need to get yourself to a mental help provder who can properly evaluate your situation."

Do you know how I can get in touch with a doctor?  I currently don't have even a GP, so I am not taking my old medication, or any currently.  I have never looked for a psychiatrist or psychologist before, and don't know the first things about choosing some one, or if there are financial assistance programs for this type of thing, because I am extremely broke at this point.  I guess I am also worried that while ADHD is viewed as a learning disorder, depression is seen as more of a mental illness.  I was advised by one person to try and pay cash, side-stepping my insurance so there was no record of it.  Is this a good idea?  Do you know if there is anything I can give my boyfriend to read about depression (he's always reading anyway, so would probably look at it) that will help him understand what I am going through while I try to find help?  I just want to stop feeling so sad, it's so awful, I'll pretty much try anything.

[greenboogars]

thanks for your words.  What sort of doctor did you go to who was able to re-diagnose you with depression?  I have read up on the symptoms of both, and they are similar--in fact, most ADHD specialists recommend counseling for their patients who already take meds.  The thing is, I can no longer afford to see my old specialist, which is one reason, other than the weight loss, that I stopped taking the meds, and psychiatrists are more expensive than she is...
I have been looking for a second job so i could try to afford some treatment, but as I have come to find out, job-searching while in the grip of debilitating depression is not a fruitful enterprise--half the time, i lose courage before I ever get to the interview, give up and go home to sit in the bath.
My boyfriend says he needs to me get more work so we can save our money to move, and I want to, it just seems so impossible.  I'm so afraid that after a while he will leave if I can't snap out of this somehow...
Can you recommend a doctor or how to find/choose one?  I don't currently have one at all, but am feeling so awful I'd try anything to feel better...

[Jikan]

Namaste,

I agree with mcmcorp45 that your life is obviously filled with stress and that you are allowing those around you to compound the matter.

If the medication for your alleged ADHD was helping some, I hope you didn't stop taking it without consulting a doctor. A change in dosage or medication might have helped.

Right now however, it appears you are suffering more from anxiety and depression, both of which are treatable.

You need to realize that most people who have not experienced psychological issues cannot or don't want to understand.  Some may have sympathy, but don't have the knowledge or resources to help.

Being mad at the world will not help. You need to get yourself to a mental help provder who can properly evaluate your situation.

There are many options available today to treat your symptoms,  to include but not limited to counseling and medications.  Don't expect a miracle and an instant cure. These things take time.

If you feel suicidal, call 911 immediately. Know that your life will get better if you take some control, admit you have a problem and deal with it, instead of listening to others who may not have your best interests in mind. You can beat this.

Michael

[mcmcorp45]

Well it seems like you have alot of stress in your life. Alot of people feel the stress from work, social life and such. However you expressed you have lost the will to love "life" and you feel depressed, this is an issue that should be followed up on. I to have feel the same way. I also was diagnosed with ADHD in school, only to find out years later I was depressed and not ADHD. Do you have a doctor that you can talk to about these issues? I sadly lost the connection with my girlfriend, we still love eachother however I lost my ability to show emotion and it makes things difficult. Your first goal should be to reconnect with life. This is a hard task, but it is worth the fight.

There are people out there who knows what it means to suffer. I am one of many. So remember you are never alone.

Matt