I’m ready to die… or I’m ready to live. Not sure which yet.
It’s all starting to catch up with me. I can honestly say that I’ve always felt lonely, but up until now I’ve found ways of denying it. I got so good at the denial, I have ways to make sure I’m in that state at all times. But sometimes I forget my methods, times like now.
I’m lonely. I’m depressed. I hate who I am, I hate what I’ve become. At 40 years old, if I ever had any “looks”, they’re gone. At this point in my life, I’ve managed to alienate just about everyone who has ever been important to me. I have no friends left and I think my family has about given up on me at this point.
The fact is this… I want things to change, I want to live a better life. But I have little hope this is possible. Death seems like the best option. But I’m too much of a coward, or too much of an optimist to take my own life… I don’t know which. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. In that time, I’ve had access to a gun… in fact, I held it in my hand, I even put the barrel in my mouth… loaded, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. At this very moment in time I have plenty of prescription drugs in my possession that I could easily take them all and wash them down with a cheap glass of red wine. But because of the cowardice or the optimism, I still don’t know which, I can’t… I won’t. Not today at least.
I’m not sure what I hope to get out of writing this down. Perhaps I think if I get it out, get out the things I can’t say to anyone, because I have noone to say them to that somehow the Universe or God or whatever will intervene and take pity on my miserable situation. It’s that sense of eternal hope that seems to eternally exist in me that seems to be keeping me alive, even though there are strong parts of me that can’t for the life me understand why.
The bottom line is this… something’s gotta give in my life. It’s either going to be something resembling a life… or it’s going to be the end. I can honestly say I don’t care which one so long as something happens.
I know I’m supposed to be grateful for what I have and there are many people who don’t live near the life I live. So what? I don’t feel grateful… I don’t feel anything except dark thoughts and hatred.
I’m either done or I’m just beginning… if I don’t figure out which soon… I’m going to choose “done”.
Just say you want to live. Stop right there. Call a crisis hotline. And get away from anything you could use to end your life. Turn in the gun. You shouldn't own one if you ever feel that way. And anything else that could end your life. You are experiencing the onset of depression at midlife. They don't call it a "midlife crisis" any more. They know that sometimes depression occurs later rather than sooner. And I respect people who post otherwise but to me as a non believer you won't find an afterlife. The chance of anything happenning will end. And if one is a believer that's not the way to reach it. You may not find much of value in your life now. But you can change things around. With anti-depressents. And talk therapy. And support groups. And the support of all of us here. Just say you want to live. Death is the end of all possibilities and since you remain undecided some of the possibilities will be good. And you will find them. I have been through that literally. Towards suicide. But something turned me around. I just said "no!" and then thought of why I wanted to live. Think of why you want to live. And if you can't find reasons as you adjust treatment you will. But if its an emergency don't think. Pick up the phone and call a crisis line. Your life isn't over. Don't choose to end it. You are not a coward to choose not to end your life. You are strong to choose to live. Use that strength for all its worth.
If you suicide you will cause grief for those who know you. Every day of their lives they will wonder why and will also grieve. So by not choosing death, you have already done 1 good deed every day of your life! I truly feel from reading what I can of your thoughts that you not only have redeeming qualities, but you are already partially on the path to happiness.
I am a fanatic of Buddhist books and every comment you made ties in with my beliefs about what it can be like not being connected through some kind of belief system. Buddhism essentially says we are on our own (which you are feeling but unfortunately in a negative lonely way which obviously makes you unhappy), but can only experience love if we have a connection to all others, especially ourselves. (Charles Manson, Mother Theresa, the person who cheated you at work, it is all the same to Buddhists, you need to love everyone, especially yourself.) My beliefs are not necessarily the "right way" for you, but your writing indicates you have many good qualities despite what you think.
I took Celexa for 9 months and got my happiness back. You can read my other posts about it and volunteering as a hope. I was so far down one year ago that I was fighting every minute to stay above water. Seriously, each minute was a struggle, so I was a useless performer at work, but no one found out since I worked alone. I never dreamed a drug and the B readings could make me enjoy every minute of life. The readings told me that only a few exceptional people could overcome depression without drugs, and I was not one of them. However, I do not think the drugs can do it all, because you need something that sparks your life too.
My doc prescribed Celexa because he said that I needed its power to start feeling happy before I could naturally feel that way. I agree with all of that.
I was so impressed with the B readings (and the Celexa emotional turnaround) that I spent my entire vacation volunteering and was loaded with energy when I came back to work.
Yes everyone is making good suggestions but to the original poster, please post that you are still here. And if you still feel the way you did when you first posted please call 911 immediately. You can make many choices in your life but life or death is not a choice. If you took your life then there would be no choices. No oppurtunities left. And if you took an anti-depressent (or are taking one but having concerns and had it adjusted) life would appear totally different. You can choose how to live your life then. And you won't want to end it.
When I first acquired my physical disability in all its severity last year around the holidays I did indeed get suicidal ideations. That was just as my mental recovery was finishing which is now complete. I ended up watching "Its a Wonderful Life" and thought about the fact that there are other people in the world and where they would be without me and what their lives would be like. And in some ways I did feel cut off from society so I reached out to people and added people to my life and then I knew that I was welcomed by people and the world would be a lesser place without me.
And you may not know as many people as you could but after you adjust treatment and recover you will add people to your life. You can change things. You just don't realize it now. So speak to a psychiatrist as soon as possible. And if you still feel suicidal call 911 or go to the emergency room. Don't think about it. Don't delay. And remind yourself the suicidal ideations will go away with treatment and as for the real world issues, that's what talk therapy and support groups are for. Recovery will take a while as it did for me. But you'll reach it. And reaching out for help by getting it immediately is a big first step.
Listen to ILADVOCATE.Youcan hear he care as we all do. Hope you called 911 if you continued to feel as you did when you posted. If you are out there let us know how youare doing. You are no way a coward. It takes a strong and brave person to express how they feel to others. By reaching out for help says you are brave and I do not feel you really want to die.I can hear you saying you want a change. Not sure of affiliation with spirituality. I never push my religion and faith on anyone.If you are so depressed you can't understand this. If there is 1 thing I hope you can hear and understand...you are special, you are loved and God has a plan for YOU. With that said, know we love you and care bout you and how you are feeling. There is only 1 person that loves you MORE. Let us hear from you. Keep us posted. Blessings and Prayer. Madlyn
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