depressed boyfriend left me

[STAR259]

I have been involved with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is 55 and i am 49. We have always had loving happy relationship.  About 6 months ago, we invested in a restaurant business together to secure our future.  He was working two jobs and with the state of the economy now, the business is not making money. Over the last 4 months he has been withdrawing from me little by little until at thanksgiving time he decided that he needed time alone to deal with his depression.  So for two months we didnt see each other and only spoke on the phone briefly.  He did say that he was seeing a therapist.  I didnt see any improvement, i think his depression is getting worse.  His friends have also noticed a change in him.  Very low, down moods. Not himself was the way they described him.  I was beginning to think that it was me or there was someone else but he swore it wasnt that.  Friends confirmed that he wasnt just acting this way around me.  About two weeks ago he decided that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship.  Says he just wants to be alone.  Says hes a loser and i deserve so much better.  He told friends, which he never said to me, that he didnt see a future with me when in the past thats all we wanted.  Why else would we invest in a business together.  Basically, my question is, can this be the depression talking?  Can a person change that much, there whole outlook.  He is like a different person to me.  The old Steve would never want to hurt me like this.  I am sooo devastated.  We have had no contact for about a week now.  Is this an act or what? Im trying to understand why this happened.  I should add that he has serious financial problems.  Never being able to make ends meet and now no money coming in from the new business.  Whats going on here, help me to understand please.

[birdie0907]

If you feel he won't open up to you, you have nothing to lose talking it over with his family, unless they won't face the fact he is depressed. If they are in denial, they may blame you for his unhappiness. My mother will not send my financially dependent brother to a doctor, because she is too proud to believe her offspring needs help.

[birdie0907]

I am assuming he is in a depression based on what you have said, however it is important for a professional to review his situation for proper diagnosis. Is it possible for you to see him with the therapist, in order to learn as much as possible about where he is coming from or just to verify where he is at?

A depression starts off with unhappiness at some level, perhaps even a manageable level that does not require meds if the victim is able to get help early enough. This help can be from a professional therapist, doctor or psychiatrist or perhaps the person suffering can learn calming techniques like meditation or cognitive behaviour therapy and develop an attitude that can overcome the depression, while in its initial stages.

The longer a depression continues, however, the more it tends to pull a person down to ever lower depths. It is important for a person in a depression to try to go back to normal as soon as possible during these drops, however it becomes harder the lower they sink and the longer they are underwater.
At some point, it is almost impossible to recover without meds. I took Celexa for 9 months and have been off 3, so recovery and normality are possible (at least until a relapse hits.) They don't work for everyone though, so you have to be realistic and realize success is not guaranteed.

You will have a hard time helping him without professional help. If he does not want help, it may not be possible for you to do anything.

Depression is an overwhelming feeling for the victim, when the clouds come in, so it is not surprising that he wants to be alone. It is like the story I heard of the jackal afflicted with mange, moving all over the place, but unable to escape from the problem. Eventually the constant depression nag wears the victim down, and it becomes harder to care about anything except just fighting every minute to stay up.

[STAR259]

hi teresa, thanks so much for responding.  believe it or not, what u have said has helped me alot.  I am soooo broken hearted over this.  he has cut me out completely.  i was friendly with his family but have hesitated because i wasnt sure what was going on in his head, whether or not he was truly depressed or just trying to get rid of me. I am frightened for him too but i dont know how to proceed either. did you feel that you didnt have a future with your husband. we, too also were soulmates or so i thought.  this illness is so complicated.  i keep praying that he will come to his senses.  any advice would be great, even helping me to understand how the depressed mind works.  thanks so much.  Rosanne

[therese83]

Now what I will tell you is true - Yes one person can change that much, that is the depression talking.
I know I nearly ended my marriage to my soulmate because I had depression and my thinking became warped.

His depression has probably been bought on by stress.he needs medical help and somehow how you describe (withdrawing isolating himself talking himself down) him alarm bells are going off in my head that he is going down deeper into his depression.  He also probably needs help with managing / illimenating the debt.
i dont think he should be left hanging like this I really dont.  I wish you the best and with treatment he could make a full recovery.
But I really do not know how you should proceed? Are you friends with his family?