after the affair

[lor662]

I would really like to no,the difference in who breaks the affair off,,i believe it matters,but would like to no opinoins of others,,when you find out and not told by your cheating partner,,who only stops the affair,,because the other person breaks it off not them,,and its only stopped cause decision times up and now your forced to choose,,and now your spouse is aware what you were doing,,,i was told by my husband he ended it,,i was told by the other she did,,i looked at the phone records and showed to me he called her after i found out 56 times,,she called him 2 times ,ya i no it looks bad,,my husband claims he was breaking it up slowly with her,,because he forseen trouble,,sometimes he is so convincing in his stories,,but he was also convincing what he was doing,when he was cheating,, in my deep of heart i feel she broke it off,,when i found out he says he broke it off 2 days prior ,,oh please that a bunch of **** for sure i no,,thy were still communicating after he ask me for forgiveness,,i think to me it makes a difference in my healing as to who breaks it off,,because if they wanted to be with them and they broke it off,,then im just his back up for all the security he had,,why not keep what you have if you get dummped,,,please opinion

[mami1323]

lor here are my thoughts, please don't take offense because I know the pain you are going through.  Remember I've been there.  You can go back and forth and wonder who is lying and who is telling the truth, however, you will never truly know.  There's always his side, her side and the truth.  It has been a while since you found out about the affair and still you are in the same place.  I know it's not easy to get over, its taken me a year to get to a somewhat healthier place in my relationship.  But in order to move forward you have to want to.  If you are still waivering back and forth trying to figure out details about the affair than you are not willing to work out the marriage.  I do feel that there is a difference in who ends the affair but I also feel like there is a reason for everything.  Perhaps your husband realized when this whole thing happened that the grass isn't greener and that he really loves you and wants to work things out with you.  Maybe he is a liar and he will do it again but maybe he won't.  There are no guarantees in life.  If you can't move forward with him, than you for the sake of sanity need to move on without him.  I really think you and him should seek some sort of counseling.  It helped me a lot.  You can do both individual and couples counseling to figure out what it is you want and where you want to go with your marriage.  I know it's hard, it's the hardest thing to recover from.  I still have moments where I struggle and look for answers.  But I know that if I've chosen to forgive and to stay in the relationship, I have to learn to let things go.

[jo929]

i agree with mami, you have to live with it or let go, depends on how much you care for him  luck  jo

[lor662]

Hello,mami,, you no for sure your spouse broke it off and no he wanted to be with you and your family,,at least thats some kind of closure for you,,and i no whether you no it or not you at least have the true final words from him,,i struggle so much because ,,i heard it was broke off after i was informed of the affair,,and also the fact that i was told she the misstress broke it off with him,,remember i mentioned i looked into the secret cell phone he had,,in and out calls,,he called her 56 times she called it 2 times,,that was after he begged me for forgiveness,he still comunicated with her,,he did not see her cause i was with him 24-7,,but comunication still whent on,after the fact,,when i brought this up to him about the phones in and out calls he said i could not read write,,,but then said he texed her to say stop the crank calls of star 67,,the misstress ex told me my husband told her he loved her,,had a lot to loose and needed time,,she wanted him to leave right away so she told him its over,,reality mami,homeowners kids bills,,etc,,he would have been afraid to leave on the spot for fear of loosing somewhat,,so my strugle is why not make up with your wife if you get dumped right,,would it not be easier since now leaving for no-one,,also he claims i made a mistake bla,,bla,,we argue and my bags get packed then he begs me not to go ,,i feel bad,,and stay again..i tell him i need time to think and whant to go for awhile,,he says yes,,then i start packing and he begs me to work it out,,i would not want to stay with him,,if he only choose my cause the misstress ended it not him,,you no where im comeing from,,you have that,,i do not,,i only have his words,,the words of some-one i trusted and loved,,to humiliate and lie to me every day,did i mention how hurt i was and humiliated when the misstress ex told me everything,,like my husband told her he did not love me,,and he had other affairs on me,,mentioned a womans name that i no he would never have known whomy husband had an affair with her,my husbands friends no her ex,,so thats how he no.do you understand now why i struggle so much,,thanks mami,,we are in this forum for advice and support and you and i are in a simular situation,,you are better though

[mami1323]

lor this woman that my fiance had the affair with didn't go away so easily.  It took awhile before she was out of the picture completely.  She wanted to be with him and so who knows exactly what my fiance had been telling her.  I just know that I had a final conversation with her and basically she said she was done trying.  It got ugly for a while there.  So it wasn't so cut and dry with my situation either.  My fiance had an affair for almost 2 years.  There were genuine feelings there from him to her so I understand how you feel.  There were a million questions running through my mind as well.  Like if I hadn't of caught him, how long would it have gone on?  How many times would he go see her since now he's home early every night?  Was he confused between us?  Would he had left me eventually for her?  Did he love her?  Yeah he chose me when it all came down to it but that doesn't answer the many questions I have and you know what, I will probably never get those answers.  What I focus on now is moving forward with him since I did choose to work it out.  I was like you many times, thinking maybe I made a mistake trying to work this out with him.  Maybe it would be easier if I could just leave him and start over.  But with the help of therapy and with him changing completely, it was worth me staying and giving it a chance.  I didn't want to lose my family just yet, I wasn't ready to give up all the years I had put into the relationship.  How do I know this was the first or only girl he messed with?  I don't know and I won't know.  How do I know he won't do it again?  I don't know but he does know that I won't stick around any longer.  He's got this one chance and that's it.  The point I'm making is, at some point you have to decide if you want to stay and try to move forward.  I'm not saying forget what he did, because you will never forget and I'm not saying to forgive him, because that will come in your own time.  But what I am saying is you either try to find the love between you and your husband again and give it a real shot or you split and try to find a new life of your own.  You may never let this go and therefore that will inevitably happen but you need to figure out what you want from your husband.  You don't have to decide this now but at some point you will need to.  Just for your own happiness.

[lor662]

HI,yes you are right,,we will never no unless they would total do a true confession,,and i thought also how many times it might have happened befor,but i dought  we would ever no now,,but all in all,,im still stuck at who breaks it off cause to me,,it makes all the difference,,for one,,was he really in love with her,,and was going to leave eventually behind my back slowly,did it just end only cause he got caught and would it have continued,,did he choose me only,,repeat only cause she broke it off and if so why should i  whant to continue trying with all the extra baggage from him,,if i was the last choice in the ending of the affair cause of the misstresses choice not his,,yeas we cant ever really no,,but time will tell the story it always does,,but im going through the stress and heart ache,,he is fine,,no struggle,,just sucking up,,i toss and turn at night he snores,,you no what i mean,,thanks

[mami1323]

They never suffer the way I do.  What I was struggling with recently was the fact that he was moving on with me, and the other woman was going on vacation on match.com looking for another man and she was fine and I was the one left sad, hurt and destroyed still.  It didn't seem fair.  But in the end, my family is together.  My son has his father and is happy and I'm working on falling back into love again. You have to go through your own emotions in your own time.  

[teko]

Miami can relate to you on the feelings of being a victim of an affair. I cannot. Nor could I ever, Why?  Because I would never even go there. Some people are tougher than others. I think anyone who stays with someone who has betrayed them in this way is very very strong. I dont think love has anything to do with it personally.  Love is also why people cannot tolerate a betrayel past finding out it is going on. It is just too unbearable for some. I am one of those people who could not, or would not handle it for any reason. Adultry is the one reason God told us it was ok to end the marriage. He said that because of the devestation it causes to not only a relationship and family, but the tearing down of ones self. So, if you stay and want or can work it out, good for you! You are a strong woman.  If you decide it is not worth it and move on, Godd for you! You are still a strong woman! Just not up to all the drama. There is no wrong or right of it. It has to be right for you. Only you know what you need for you. Anyone who cheats in my opinion is not worthy of second chances.

[mami1323]

teko is right.  It's very painful to go through and forgiveness IS so difficult.  It takes a lot to do it.  I think sometimes it would've been easier to walk away.  Whatever you choose to do, just make sure it's what you want to do.  Don't feel pressured into making it work for the children's sake alone, don't feel pressured into walking away because you feel like that's what you should do.  It's how you feel inside.  I stayed and worked at it for the sake of my family but also because I still loved him.  Not only for my son.  But if I didn't share a child with him, perhaps my decision would've been different.  There is no right or wrong decision here, it's a personal one that only you can decide to do.  It's a long tough road to forgive, so if you feel like you cannot than no one would blame you for that.  

[lor662]

I agree,,in reality,,ask how they got away with cheating on us,,its because we trusted and believed every excuse and lies they have told us,,another words they took advantage of are trust,and disrespected us at the same time,,talk about humiliation,,its not easy,,then to deal with the after math of it all,the shock of it,,i am not a jealous person nor do i have ever had an issue with it,,but now if i see a woman look at my husband,,i look to see if he looked back all the time,,then i yell and accuse him,,i hate it,,its not me to act like that,,i have never been that way ever,,,i had every chance to talk to the other woman,,had her number etc..her husband said she would have met me,,but i did not go or talk to her,,nor ever called her,,i feel she can be who she wants to be ,go around and seduce my husband ,but in the end ,,he choose to be with her,,and also he choose to take the risk,,i never cared about her,,but i still care who broke the affair off,but reality i will never no,never,,but thats why im stuck in this place,,sometimes i wanna stay ,and sometimes i wanna get away,from him,,my feelings are upside down all the time,,when we have bedtime,,i always wonder what he is thinking,,and i always think what he did,,and i get upset right after,,i dont trust him at all,,i dont no if i ever will again,,im not even sure if im here for the right reasons,,thanks

[mami1323]

It takes a long time to moyve passed it. Like I said it took me a year before I was feeling more comfortable with my fiance. I just didn't know who he was anymore. To me he wasn't the same person. Its not something that you just get over. You have to work really hard at forgiveness. I have to sit and really manipulate my mind so that my thoughts aren't on the affair or on what he's thinking. I just try ny hardest to live my life and not worry so much. Life is short and I want to enjoy it. If he does it again then its over and he knows that so its up to him to be a better man. The ball is in his court. I had to go through all of he same emotions you are going through. All I can say is it takes a lot of time to heal but it is possible. You will know what to do eventually. There are a lot of things about my fiance's affair that I don't know about and question and it was hard for me to gain closure but I had to let it go for my happiness. I refuse to be the victim any longer. I think you should try going to therapy. It helped me a lot.

[lor662]

HI,i think reality,the forgivenes is somewhat there or we both would not even entertain being with them now,,the hard part is forgeting,,and building the trust back,,its the little things that set you off,,and you start to remember it all again,,all the unanswered questions than run through your mind everyday,,they claim they love us but in my eyes love is also about careing about the others feelings,,about respect,for your partner,,love is not being selfish,,when people get caught haveing an affair it ,comes back in words like i made a mistake,,no you made a choice,,i dont no why i did it,,yes you do,you liked her ,they made several mistakes,,lie to your wife,,sleep around for months,spend mare money on her,,was the secret cell phone a mistake,,and not useing protection for months a mistake was getting caught a mistake,,yes this mistake i believe,,getting caught we all agree was a mistake on there part,,the only known truth of the afair,,thanks

[mami1323]

See it took me a year to really forgive him.  Yes, I gave him a second chance but true forgiveness took time for me.  For me, that meant letting go of the hurt, giving him more trust, giving more freedom, not feeling the need to check through his things, not following his every move.  It was hard and I had a ton of anger.  So much anger that I would hate him and let him know that I did in every argument.  I don't feel that anger much anymore.  We have our fights but I don't want to beat him with a 2 by 4 any more....lol.  It had to come in it's own time though.  Hopefully you will get there with your husband and if you chose not to stay than hopefully you can heal on your own.  Only you can determine what's best for you.  

[lor662]

YES i agree,but i dont think in reality we could ever stop suspision,,the first time they would be really late or not answer the phone for hours,,we both now its all comeing back to haunt us again ,acusations will fly,,its normal ,,i would think,,i dont really ever think an affair can be ever forgoten,,i think as time goes by we just accept it better cause the shock of the affair is going,,but the memories are for life,,i have good days and bad days a year later,,i keep them to my self mostly,,but i want to love and accept it all,,but in the back of my head  ,,the memories of all the munipulation and lies are there,im better in the sence of ,,,i sleep now eat now,,happier he changed to the way he should have been all along ,but it should not have come from an affair,i dont trust him,i dont believe half of what he says to me,,and if he goes back to the way he used to be to me,,i told him im gone,,i tolerated him befor his affair,,meaning,,he never cared about special  ocasions birthdays  etc,,last gift he ever bought me befor affair,,15 years ago,,me all the time,,when he was haveing his affair,,i look back and remember all the lonley nights and all the times i told him i loved him,,thanks

[mami1323]

Oh absolutely, you never ever forget about it.  I know I won't ever, my relationship is sort of tainted now.  Yeah he's a great man now, and a great father now, but he wasn't during his affair.  So yes, you are right that the beautiful treatment we get now should not come from an affair.  But I have learned to appreciate it and not think about where it's coming from.  Or else I couldn't move on.  You see, if that time does come that he disappears again or his phone goes unanswered, I will know the deal and I will know what I have to do.  So I don't fear it because I have already prepared myself for that moment.  You can let go a little and learn to love them again BUT you also have to have a slight guard up.  And that's ok, you still have to protect yourself.  Hopefully our men learned their lessons, won't take that chance ever again and realize that they have wonderful women in their lives now and that the grass isn't greener on the other side.  We have to hope for the best here but there are no guarantees in life.

[lor662]

Yes i agree,its to he bad everything fell on us and we have to put most of the effort into makeing it work,its pretty clear were are hearts lay,its just to bad its only realized in a bad situation what good people we are,some may call us stupid,,maybe they have never been in a situation like us,,befor my husbands affar,,i also told him if he ever cheatd on me i was gone,,but im here,do you think they feel guilty?you are right about moveing on,,its better than mind torture are selves..my feelings are all over the place,,i know as more time i will see if this is right for me,and if my love will be good for future with him,i have children and my life just does not revolve around him,although my secutity and trust is rocked,,trust is not going to happen probably for a looong time,,time can only see,,i do no the best and worst he brought out of me,,i would just hate to go through all this to have it happen again,,thanks mami

[mami1323]

Yes I do think they feel guilt.  They may not feel it every day but I know when my fiance and I sometimes discuss things he says he really regrets what he did and he was stupid.  I think they would rather move forward and so they don't think about it as much as we do.