We are having our beloved dog put down tomorrow.

[em722]

Just venting. We are having the vet come out tomorrow to put our Buddy to sleep. I've talked about Buddy on this forum and am so sad to be typing this now. I made the decision 3:00 this morning when he just could not settle. He struggles to get on his feet, circles, lies down, whines, struggles to get up, etc. I was on the floor with him and having me there didn't even provide comfort. I have been feeling for a couple of weeks that it was time, but couldn't get my husband to talk about it. He says we are killing our friend and thinks it is just wrong. He doesn't believe he is suffering and points out any sign that Buddy is doing well. He comes up with explanations for all of Buddy's symptoms and is now denying that Buddy has Cushings even though the vet told us she was quite certain. I don't want to wait till he can't walk and it becomes an emergency situation. He is almost blind, deaf, pants excessively, is feeble, has defecated in the house (never before), doesn't want to be groomed-(used to love it). My heart is breaking.. Buddy is at least 14 1/2 and a wheaten terrier mix. He has lived a long, loved, life. I can't stand to see him continure to suffer. This is so hard.
Thank you for reading and understanding my grief.

[em722]

I'm so sorry I didn't see your message before now. It does take time to heal from having to make that awful decision, even when you know it is time and the merciful thing to do.  Next week will be a year since we put our Buddy down. Slowly my grief has been replaced with warm, happy memories of his long, beautiful life. It does get better. I am just so sorry you are going through this. You and the boys have honored Woody with loving care.  In time, the sadness of the end will blur and the memory of his whole life will come forward. Thinking of you tonight.
Em

[lindapalm]

My dog is a 14 yr old lab/border collie, and I look at her and can imagine the pain your going through.  She is deaf and has arthritis, but is still in pretty good condition, which I know can change overnight.  We went through what your going through a couple of years ago, and all I can say is that you have to keep telling yourself over and over your doing the right thing.  Like Tony said, your dog would thank you for a great life, if he could,    

[tonyb286]

My heart goes out to you. Your situation reminded me so much of when I lost my old rescued lurcher, Meg, several years ago. She was 20yrs old, but had gone deaf and blind and started to become incontinent and was losing the use of her hind legs. We put off the inevitable for too long, just because we couldn't face losing her. Eventually we did the right thing, but it then took years to get over the guilt and the loss. Even now, I often cry when I think about her last days. What you have done is in the end a great kindness, done out of pure love for Lazarus, not out of kindness to yourselves. It's so hard, I know, but Lazarus is at peace now. No more suffering. If he could speak to you now, he would say thank you for giving him so many happy years, packed full of love and adventure. What dog could ask for more. Big hugs to you, Tony x

[ginger899]

Dear missystack,
I am so sorry about what you are going through right now. I know how it hurts. The pain does lessen over time, though we will always miss our dear ones, but it's not easy, so you have all my heartfelt thoughts and prayers.

[missystack]

Hi em.. its 2in the morning and im in the same position as you were in June.. my heart is breaking and  I feel sick... I have a beautiful loyal lab called woody.. 14 ish.. a stray when he came to us .. he has brought so much love and fun into me and my sons lives.. he has been diabetic for 5yrs. Injecting twice a day..hypothyroidism..blind deaf and now muscular neuropathy.. he has wasted away in front of us.. we call him Lazarus now as we keep chanhing our minds. I'm doing the right thing for my friend but feel so guilty and bad and sad... I'm so torn... How are you doing... Hope ok... :-)

[em722]

I am crying reading your post about the days, before and after losing your Misty. I understand needing to feel and smell then for as long as you can.I visited your profile and saw the pictures of her and could see the love and personality in her eyes. My heart responded to her just seeing her face in a picture! Please know I'm thinking about you.
Em

[lindapalm]

It is so terribly sad to think that she kicked butt through all her surgeries and came back strong, and then developed something else.  She was a very tough dog, I am so sorry that happened.  I'm sure her garden will flourish with your care, and I know you'll get a lot of comfort from it.

[ginger899]

Oh I am really glad to hear that Misty and I managed to help you and your dog in a really practical way. That's good.
No her kidney values were back to normal! The vet was pleased (so was I) We nipped that in the bud......
She had a lump removal (breast) it turned out to be partly malignant. Misty bounced straight back from that surgery within days.
A few weeks later the vet removed her lower mammary glands to be on the safe side. No recurrence. He thoroughly examined her and she went for follow-ups, and it had gone! No recurrence of breast (mammary) cancer either!!
She bounced straight back from that surgery too....and that was pretty major.
She was fit and well, amazing, almost supernatural for a dog her age!
We took a train trip end of April, and a very young child fell on top of he. Misty didn't yelp, and didn't seem injured at all. But 5 days later -literally overnight- a half-plum-sized smooth rounded lump came up on her ribs. It was tender.  I took her to the vet, and we both thought it was a bruised rib. Or even possibly a cracked rib. He X rayed her and did a needle biopsy on the lump too. He didn't like what he found, said it seemed like a hemangiosarcoma. I thought he had to be kidding!
,May 23rd she suddenly suffered an internal bleed. He suspected she had them on the spleen too. She recovered from the bleed ok. He did an ultrasound which showed clearly she had hemangiosarcoma tumors on spleen and liver. He said she could have months to live.
I didn't think so.
Ony 6 days later she suddenly had another bleed, but instead of being a "slow bleed" like the last one, it was a major hemorrage. She was dying and there was no cure, She was bleeding to death. She was put to sleep about 7.30 Tuesday morning (5th June)

[lindapalm]

I did not know Misty was so sick, I am so sorry she is gone.  The last time I read one of your posts,it was about her having kidney problems. After reading your post I paid extra care in watching our dog go outside that night, as she is pretty old.  I was shocked to see her having problems peeing, and ended up taking her to the vet the next day.  She ended up having a lot of blood in her urine and having a UTI.  I was very grateful that you posted that day., or I might not have paid attention to her and noticed her problem.  Did Misty continue to get worse and you found other things wrong?

[ginger899]

yes my relief and grief trade off too. I wouldn't have minded giving it a bit of struggle -for her or for me- and she was incredibly tough, and would have ridden things out, I knew her......if there had been hope, but there was none, not with terminal hemangiosarcoma. It was like wildfire in her. 3 or 4 weeks ago...no sign anything was wrong with her at all! Then suddenly she was overwhelmed.

But when you see them lying there, (Buddy and Misty, the same though they had different things wrong with them) -something overwhelming them, whatever it might be, that no-one can fix with the best will in the world....then it's time to call it. I don't have an ounce of guilt or regret about any of the treatments or surgery she got this year -she bounced right back. And no regrets about the final decision -she needed to die. When there was no other option. But it hurts....oh God it hurts. A house so hollow and empty where it was filled with life and DOG....now just me. It's hard.
I have not yet been able to move her water-bowl, or her bed.
I lay my head on that bed and talk to her like I did in those final hours through the night, when I whispered to her and stroked her head and reassured her.
The grave feels like a very nice sacred place where I can make a garden. I got in the grave with her and lay down and hugged her for ages because I wanted to smell her fur and her ears as long as I could. It was sad to have to be brave and start to put earth on top of her lovely body. I said "This is a really big mole-hole (she loved digging for moles) and this one's big enough to make a good den. Sleep well my girl in the good den I've made for you." So that memory stays. It is a good one.
She always did like holes in the ground, and in trees where foxes or some creatures had made dens.
But I agree with crystallady, it would be nice if you could find a watertight urn or something to put Buddy's ashes in, because they will slowly disappear if you use them as rose food.

[crystallady16]

we made dedes bed into flower bed like this. Dede bed was a plastic dog we drilled holes in the bottom for draniage. We then filled it with compost. We have put a dog rose in the centre. Then we have planted it out with small bedding plants. We then got some really nice rocks and put them round the sides All round the bed is her toys rubber balls rings rubber chew toys. This is dede's special place . Very peacefull and a sarced place. Even the animals I have respect it and I have learnt them that they are not allowed on it or near it. I was just thinking why not put buddys ashes into a nice urn have a nice brass plauge on it and put that in the rose bed near your daughter. At least then you have a premnant mermorail to buddy. Then his remains are safe and you have them for ever. You then may find it easier to go and talk to him you can talk to his urn. I think that would a nicer way to remember him.
god bless and please send me a pm if you need to I am here for you at this sad time
hugs and lots of love  Alicaxxx

[em722]

We had very similar ups and downs-with some signs of vitality in Buddy, then very apparent signs of his decline. I can only now realize the toll it took in being his primary caretaker. My grief and relief trade off, or are felt simultaneously.
Your description of the loving way you put Misty in the earth just has that nurturing feeling; so respectful, caring, and gentle. And the pink rose just melts my heart!
I wish we actually had Buddy's body rather than ashes, but my husband couldn't handle burying him emotionally and I couldn't handle it physically. There is something important about the tender closing in of earth around them. Seems more natural, heartbreaking, but natural.  I've mentioned that I want to put his ashes close to my daughter's rose, but I need to figure out how I can do it so that it doesn't just feel like I'm putting 'rose food' on the garden.
Thinking of you,
Em

[ginger899]

Em, what you've just said reminds me of what's been going on with Misty this last 2 weeks or so. I was always on duty, always on guard, had to check her gums all the time, was nevous (though I never showed her I was!) was on a rollercoaster. If she showed the slightest signs of being what I thought might be unwell I would feel myself start to shake sometimes, only to find she was just a bit too hot in the sun, or just needed a sleep, or whatever. Then  she'd be running in the orchard, and chasing frisbee in the evening, and wolf down her evening snack, and I'd come back to normal again. Then the next day the same things happened all over again. I never knew what might happen while I was asleep....or when I would have to watch her through the night...or when I'd have to be up and dressed in 10 seconds, and on the phone to the emergency vet.  
I could never for one minute really relax. Oh yes I pretended to be relaxed and totally cool -for her sake.
I am glad the worry is over. I am also glad my girl is out of danger now.

I made her a grave in my garden. She was always scared of fire so I didn't think cremation would be right for her, but she loved the earth, so I buried her in the earth. I put a pink rose from the garden in a vase of water, (yes, my roses are all overgrown too because I never gave things as much attention as I should have recently...but they are still putting out lovely flowers)......and a little wooden cross with "misty" written on it. I then planted a nasturtium (the only plant the wild rabbits won't eat. They eat up almost every other flower or plant bought from the garden shop I put in my garden. I can't stop them getting in. But when I go and stand at her grave I am sad but get a little comfort too. I can make that grave so nice in the future.

[em722]

Alica, What an impressive memorial to Dede! Thank you for describing  the touching ways you honored her! How did you make her bed into a flower bed?
I hadn't thought that far ahead, but it feels good to start planning something. When my daughter died,  I planted a rose in her honor. Later I placed a garden statue of a Mom reading to her little girl, next to the rose. But sadly, because of health issues, grief, and other distractions, I neglected it and the little rose garden it is planted in. The weeds had nearly smothered them all. This week we hired someone to clean the moss off our roof and to dig out our failing rose garden. It's beautiful now. So, when Buddy's ashes come back I think maybe I'll spread some around her rose.
Thank you for helping me look into the future! It is a way to continue 'mothering' him in a way. It seems healthy to establish a special place to visit him.  Beautiful. It's very thoughtful of you to make this suggestion. I'm grateful.
Em

[em722]

Thank you, Tony.  Your comments made me smile, through tears, mind you, but smile nevertheless.  I am trying not to obsess with those final startling moments of his life. As you say, it was brief compared to the 14 years of "happy times." Thank you for that reminder. I just had a different expectation. When my last dog was euthanized, he also struggled. I was told that the more merciful way is to give an initial shot to relax them. So I changed to a vet who took this extra step. THIS time I just knew it would at least  be peaceful. But, as we know, life is not the flawless playing out of our expectations. Mercifully, it is all over now and he is completely pain free.
It is night 5. Nights seem the hardest. I miss him. I miss my daughter. It will get better, I know, in time. Thank you, again.
Em

[em722]

So well put. You know, I hadn't really thought of it as "heavy-duty nursing," but it was. I was subconsiously on alert, constantly going through his potential needs: does he need to go outside? is he anxious or in pain? does he need petting and closeness? is he hungry or thirsty? is he too hot or cold? need drops in his eyes? did I give him his medicine?  Meanwhile the rest of life is going on as well.
On the other hand, as you say,  we've just honored the last part of the contract. Pretty good deal that we got companionship and unconditional love out of the deal. Wow, unconditional love---where, outside of the divine, do you get that in this life?  His whole life was dedicated to us. The fact that it hurts so much is testament to all he meant and all he gave us. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to our Buddy tonight.
Em

[Jaybay]

When you devote so much of yourself to heavy-duty nursing, it takes a while for your brain to get out of that "watchful" mode.  I did the same thing when my dog died of kidney failure.  The brain says one thing but the heart another and the two just don't seem to want to be reconciled.

This is the worst part of taking pets into our lives and hearts.  We make a contract with them to provide everything they need in life in exchange for their unconditional love and companionship.  Saying goodbye is part of that contract.  Time really is the great healer at times like this.  May your time of grief be short and remembrance sweet.  :-)

[crystallady16]

it helps to find buddys fave spot in the garden and make it a rememberence spot.  We buried dede in her fave spot in the garden. We buried her with her toys food bowels and fave blanket. We then put her basket on top fenced it off with a small chain link fence. We made dede,s bed into a flower bed. We then had a resin outdoor orament made of her. My oh made a wooden plauge it has all been put where she is. Then you feel like they are still with you any a way. I still go down rhe garden and talk to her. Maybe doing something like this well help with your sad loss.
sending you lots of love and hugs and my thoughts are with you at this sad time
alicaxxxxxxx

[tonyb286]

Hi Em. These first few days and weeks are so hard. I know. And the link with your daughter makes it even more difficult. It may be hard to extinguish the last moments of his life from your mind's eye, but in truth, Buddy shared 14yrs worth of experiences, happy times, adventures ... and so much love ... what dog could ask for more. I know you miss him dreadfully - but as you rightly said, it's a worthy exchange of pain to prevent him suffering any more. You are an amazing dog owner and Buddy was so lucky to have had you in his life. Run free Buddy. Big hugs, Tony

[em722]

It's true, we were very lucky. Buddy used to lean against me, then slide down my leg- just weak from love.
Tonight when we went to bed, I found myself listening for Buddy to make his way down the hall to join us. I fell apart.
Then I read your post. You helped me focus on good times. Thank you.
Em

[lindapalm]

You worded it perfectly that if you weren't suffering, he would be, so you traded places.  I think you and Buddy were both very lucky to have each other for friends for 14 years.  Take Care.

[em722]

Alicia,
Love the idea of Dede and Buddy romping about. There will be quite the pet gathering, if this is the case! I will have dogs: Margaret, Dugan, Alex, Tippy, and Buster waiting with Buddy. Oh, and 6 cats, 2 birds and goldfish! Makes me smile playing with this thought. Thank you!
Em

[em722]

Wow. No I've not heard of the Rainbow Bridge, or if I have, I just didn't need it then. But I do now and I thank you so much for typing the whole thing out. I haven't been able to imagine seeing him again, well, because I just don't know what to believe about all that. It is an incredibly lovely thought, though, to see him all whole and lively and sneaking turkeys off the table again!
I actually crave the feel of his soft fur. I tossed out his drugs today and tried to find something to fill the spot where his bed used to be. We do have other dogs and they seem to be grieving, too.I thought having back-up dogs might make his death easier. Not so. I couldn't get to sleep till 3 this am. Kept automatically listening for him, looking over at the spot in the hall where he slept. (He moved off his bed months ago, preferring the hall.)
You mention that he was one of the lucky ones. I hadn't thought much about how his life could have been had we not rescued him from the shelter. He could have been euthanized then and there, missing the entire 14 years of 'joy exchange' with us.
Thank you again for being so supportive.
Em

[crystallady16]

I was going to tell you about rainbow bridge someone has beaten me too it. I have 4 gone to rainbow bridge Dede my beloved border collie. My two cats Timmy and Smokey, and of course Charlie my very much loved green cheeked conuer. Maybe your Buddy and my Dede will become friends and wait together untill we can meet again. Rip in peace Buddy and dede and all the rest that gone to rainbow bridge.
You are gone Buddy but still very much loved and allways will be.
Alicia