how much will I gain?

[Photographer4]

Wow! I just typed everything out and lost it. Let's try this again. I am 29 mother of two beautiful boys. I've struggled with ed since I was 12.  Now I have had two children and have struggled off and on. Recently I started running because i've hit a plateou.  I run 6-7 miles 5-6 days a week. I watch what I eat (breakfast will probably be 1 bowl if cereal and coffee which  I immiediately vomit , I do crunches, use laxatives, and diet pills  b
Ok so when I stop all this I'm afraid oh how my body might respondnyigjvchcgk if ur h fur hxgxxgxx

and diet pills. I notice a little weightloose but not enough. I still g
Feel really fat.  I'm afraid that if I can loose weight using using these extreme ways. What will my body do with no control of calories

[shlee1016]

Oh my gosh....I'm so sorry. I never saw your response until just now. How are you doing? I am terribly sorry that so much time has passed. I just now saw what you wrote and I apologize.

[Photographer4]

So I guess no response means no?

[Photographer4]

Hi there.  I haven't felt much like getting on the computer lately.  You're right it's just an excuse.  I keep saying that I can fix this myself but I can't and I know that.  I can't believe this is happening to me.  I was at the ER today with a friend ironically.  When I arrived I thought I was going to become a patient.  I think my blood sugar droped or something, well that's what I told the nurse that was tending to my friends hurt finger.  I couldn't talk strait, or walk strait.  I felt horriable.  The nurse got some O J for me and I started feeling a little better.  But I just sat there and prayed that my body wasn't trying to shutdown on me.  I couldn't function.  We finally left at 3:30 and I made myself eat a whole chicken sandwich.  At the time I didn't care about calories I just wanted to live.  I definately don't feel 100% but I feel a little better.  How does someone get help with something like this when they can't afford it financially? Really, is it possiable?  I don't even know who I'm talking to right now, I mean are you someone who struggles with ED or are part of the MedHelp?  All I know is I feel like I'm falling apart physically, but if I ask for help my whole life will fall apart.  I loose business because I won't be there, we could lose our house because of finances, I'll lose friends because no one understands ED.  I don't know what to do or how to do it.

[shlee1016]

Why isn't it possible because you own a business?

[Photographer4]

I would really like that but it really isn't possible with be owning a business. That probably didn't make sense.  My mind is on recovery I need to be well.  But your right I don't know if I can do it. I went all day without eating anything but a piece of string cheese. I fixed a nice meal for Mike (hubbie). Ribeye, baked potato, salad, and dinner rolls. I thought I could handle it but I couldn't keep it down. I am ashamed to be this way and I want to get better. I just really need to think about how I can possible do that.  

[shlee1016]

I'm glad you saw your doctor, and I think you are making the right decision about holding off on the exercise. That's very smart. Your mind is in the right place when you say you are going to try to 'gain control,' but it's not something you can really do alone. Would it be possible to seek professional help?

[Photographer4]

Okay.  So I saw my doc.  I've lost 5lbs since last Saturday which is probabally why I feel the way I do.  I'm going to hold off running until the results from my ekg and chest xray come in.  After last night I am really going to try harder to gain control.  I don't want to experience another night like that.  Thanks for being there.  It helps to have some one to talk to.
Amanda

[Photographer4]

Hello.  I actually did sleep for a little bit.  The Dr.'s office opens in ten mins. and I'm going to give them a call.  I actually feel a little bit better this morning.  

[shlee1016]

I'm sorry. I never check this except when I get the emails in the middle of the night, which I may then get them the next morning if I'm not up at that time. I just got the email a few minutes ago saying there was a response. I'll watch this one more closely though. Are you still awake. I'll be around for another hour and a half until I have to get ready for work. It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I'm going to try, but I'm going to leave this up and keep checking it also because I have a feeling I won't go to sleep. So do you have an appointment in the morning?

[Photographer4]

I have stoped wearing the bracelett.  And yes I have been through treatment several years ago.  I went through an outpatient program at a hospital where I worked with a dietitian, M.D., and counselor.  Right now I'm scared for my life.  It's midnight where I am so what do I do?

[Photographer4]

You are right I need help and right now, right this minuet.  I am so, so, so, scared I don't know what is going on.  I have never felt this frightened.  I feel as is I can't breathe.  I woke up this morning with my heart pounding and It's gotten worse.  On Monday I ran 10 miles and I think I pushed myself too hard.  All of a sudden I have no appetite and I have this constant pain in my chest.  I'm just shaking and crying wondering what I did to myself.  I almost feel like I sould go to the ER.  I want to wait until morning to see my doc, but I seriously don't know if I can.  I can't go to bed I'm too terrified.

[Photographer4]

Are you there?

[shlee1016]

I agree with what Zoelula said. You were not worried for nothing. And this also shows that you know you need help, you know? Hun, I would think that your church would be a great place to find support. You are not letting anyone down by admitting you have this disorder..not at all. Like Zoe said, they want you well. You will perform better in every area of your life if you are well, and right now you are not.

Also, do you wear the bracelet as an identity thing? I would actually suggest not wearing it. It's totally up to you, just a suggestion. Does it make sense?

Your life is far more important than anything else you can name. You deserve help and I would definitely recommend getting it asap. I'm happy to talk to you, but along with this, you need professional help in real life. Do you or have you ever seen a therapist or anything at all? That might be a start...one who specializes in eating disorders of course. A dietitian with that specialty is also highly recommended for treatment. It's a good start anyway, like I said.

How are you today?

[Zoelula]

I can't speak up for the ministers but I would think the people in your church would want you to be well, the same as if you suffered from a disease like diabetes or cancer. Ask your doctor about low cost alternatives, and do try OA as it is free. You don't need to suffer this misery when there is help available!

[Photographer4]

Hello zoe thanks for the advice. You are absolutly right. I need and desperately want help. I even wear my red beaded braclett just incase I run into anyone that I might be able to talk to.ed is really bad right now on my way home from houston i stoped to get my boys a happymeal and i got a large coffee.  I ate a few nuggetts that my three yr old didnt finish off. I threw everything up in my empty cup until it was full right there in the car. I know I need help.   there are a few factors that are holding me back. #1: $$ #2: I am apart of the pastoral staff at my church. I'm so afraid of revealing myself to my church and letting everyone down. But I dont want to live a lie.  #3: I find myself justifying my actions. For ex:  I don't feel like I have a real problem because Im 105 ( and feel fat).   Well if I'm really honest with my self I NEED help. Are there anyother ministers that have gone through this? How did u handle it?  Advice???  ED really is missery  

[Zoelula]

No, Photographer, I'm sorry but I don't think you were worried for nothing. I think you posted originally on this board because you know you have a serious problem. I think Schlee gave you some excellent advise about trusting your body that you won't gain weight when you stop your purging, but I think right now there are two things very important for you to do:

I think you have some medical problems caused by your eating disorder and I think you need to see your doctor and get all that taken care of.

Second, I think you might have trouble getting your eating disorder under control by yourself as it has been going on for so long. I think you need help with that as well. You can start with your family doctor for the medical aspect (be totally honest with him/her as it won't help otherwise!) and ask her for a referral to a therapist experienced in eating disorders. You can also attend meetings of OA, Overeater's Anonymous. Don't let the name fool you, it is for people with all kinds of eating disorders and there are free meetings in all decent sized towns. You will find good support there.

Just to let you know I understand, I suffered from an eating disorder for 30 years and I now have been in recovery for 15, so it is possible to recover! Just don't wait any longer for the sake of your own health and your family who love you. Let us know how it goes.
Zoe

[Photographer4]

Let me clarify this real quick. I was reading my post and it looked silly. My iPhone only shows me a few words at a time so it's easy to loose track of what I'm writing. The letter I wrote was to my husband.  He wasn't able to make the trip with us.  The point was I was so scared that I thought I might not wake up in the morning.   I thought maybe my electrolites were off or something. I'm sure I was just worried for nothing.

[Photographer4]

I have never been so scared in my life. Over the weekend I drove five hours to see my family in Houston. The night we arrived I laid down and couldn't fall asleep. I felt like I had a frog trying to jump out of my chest. I rember a few years ago when I was having mitrovalve prolaps  and irregular heart beat. I remember when my liver started to shut down. Just recently I have been overdoing it whith jogging and got near heat exaustion.  
The past few days I started taking diet pills. I throw up at least 3-5 times/day.

Ok so here's what scared me. When I arrived in houston I sat down with them for a nice meal. I ate it and enjoied it; but the more I ate I started to become dizzy and confused  this has happened a few times since I've been here. When I laid down that night was when my heart was beating crazy. I got my notebook out and wrote how much I loved him. That I was sorry I let him down in somany ways. I told him to tell my boys how much I love them...  Then I prayed that that night wouldn't be my last. I knew something was wrong with my body and I very afraid. There's so much more I could write, but i'll just stop here what caused the disorentation when I eat ? And heart? Am I walking as thin a line as I feel with ed?  

[shlee1016]

It's okay. I don't think it was that your question was confusing. Maybe there was some sort of error when sending through your iphone or something that caused it to get a little messed up. On my screen anyway, there's extra characters, spaces, etc. It's not your fault so no worries. I hope I was able to help a little. Let me know if I need to expand or if you need anything else. Hang in there.

Ashley

[Photographer4]

Thank you that does make sense. I'm sorry about the confusion in my question. I'm using   my iPhone and it's difficult to type. Pretty much I need to learn to trust my body so it can learn to trust me. Thank you so much for the reply.

[shlee1016]

Okay, I can't read some of what you wrote because it seems to be missing or something? I'm not sure but the screen is all messed up. I might be wrong, but I do think I got a basic idea of what you are asking. You are afraid of eating normally because you are using extremes right now and think that once you stop, the weight will come on? Is that right?

Well, I might have somewhat good news. Right now you and your body are butting heads. It's fighting you because you are not treating it right and it's in survival mode. If you were to start eating correctly, once your body recognized that it was going to be fed regularly, your metabolism will speed up from what it is now (because you are slowing it down right now with what you are doing to yourself....good news is that it can be reversed if you treat your body right again) and your body will learn to trust you. So you aren't going to suddenly gain a bunch of weight if you eat normally. It will take a little time, but your body will regulate and not have to try to compensate for what it's going through right now. Is this making sense? I feel like I'm doing a bad job explaining it. I can try again if it's not making sense.