week 4 and turning into a monster

[almanu]

hi well shot 4 tomorrow, and to be honest im turning into a monster.im a grumpy old sod at the best of times, just the last maybe 2 weeks ive started to notice how much of an a55 hole im turning into,he slightest thing will send me off on one,i had a shakey start then everything was fine when i started drinking loads of water, then last week i had a panic attack.wtf my mam had them there the most scary thing thats ever happened to me and ive been in war zones lol.ive never experianced anything like it.i tought i was having a heart attack.my doc is extreamly happy with the way my meds a working so at least thats somthing, i just want to know is anybody having trouble this early,i really tought nothing would really happen for a couple of months or so.i really dont want to  go out or nothing ,i missecd mi eldezt suns gealic football training last monday for the first time ever.im finding myself saying sorry to my wife every few hours also.somtimes even when ive not been an a55 hole just in case.to be on the safe side like.ill be really tired at 9pm then go to bed just to lie awake for hours.im really not one to moan or complain i hate all that **** tbh but here and with my doc is the only place i can say how i feel, i guess im trying to be the strong man type of idiot,i guess im not really a good a patiant as i tought i was ,god week 4 and im crying like a biacth.my doctor is suggesting anti depressents and im like dam it took me 18 years to get clean from drugs and now i got to take them to feel normal again ,im like explaining my view on me taking tablets to my doctor and agghhh i dont know anymore im very confused.any advice or help  would be great, does anyone else feel like this after week four, i really feel such a baby i really do

[nygirl7]

SO STUPID - you would THINK they would know this is an effect of the meds, I mean it's well documented and we are all TOLD this before we start treatment!

I've said it 100x once I yelled at my daughter for breathing too loudly.  Yup. I was out of control and I was even ON ADs since a month before treatment (he started me early so they would have time to work).  I can't imagine how bad I would have been without the meds.

Like I've said on treatment we gotta do what we gotta do.  It might not be something that we'd think of in our every day life but this is a whole different situation altogether.

I did find that eventually I did level out a bit but I don't know if it was because of the ADs or just the fact that my body got used to the meds.  

Good luck Al - thank God for kids huh, how would we ever make it without them (and why would we bother?)   :)

[Marcia2202]

My bad. I got Akarin 10mg, it's citalopram like Celexa or Lexapro.

Marcia

[almanu]

glad i could help with anything marcia

[Marcia2202]

My hepatologist just called me. She has called in a script for Prozac to my pharmacy and I can pick it up in half an hour.

That was fast. Just wanted to thank you for posting your troubles. It made me act faster on mine.

Hugs,

Marcia

[lolitriqui]

hey; i understand your reservations about taking drugs, believe me; but i think in your case, you do yourself and your family a favour ta make an exception; i hit the wall  at about four months as i busted my front door in because i couldn't find the key; all that in front of my four year old; same day threw a whole order of chinese food at the wall; probably did myself a favor doing that, but i noticed some funny reactions to chickenthings and went  on AD's; we all survived my TX; gave myself the last shot today, and didn't murder anybody for all last year;  take your doc's advice, take something; TX  messed my brain up good;  good luck, C.

[Marcia2202]

your kids are soooo cuuute

[almanu]

lol i hear you, thats why i put monster in the title, only word that can decribe it,

[Marcia2202]

What a blessing! Kids really are.. Mine came to visit yesterday and are coming today too. They make it all worth while. My hubby is soooo understanding and loving too. And I snapped at him again... He doesn't feel bad for himself, just feels bad for me having to feel like that. But I feel soooo bad. I keep on apologizing. We just don't snap at each other. So why the heck am I snapping at him??? It comes out... and then it's too late to take it back. I don't like that. I snapped at him once yesterday and once today.

[almanu]

oh forgot to tell ya my youngest son is really helping me with loads of extra hugs n luvs, its weird he,s really not a huggy type a kid ,its like he,s knows im feeling sht and is trying to make me better with hugs lol, i was watching football the other night and it went to extra time he didnt leave my lap for 2 hours, he normally can sit still for 2 minutes, the wife was amazed.he,s just 3 ,luv,m to bits,oh sht im crying again lol.

[almanu]

i tooootally here ya sister lol, its the pits it really is, even my local shopkeeper who i use to play football with and go the pub with is getting on my wick lol, he,s a really nice guy its got to be me, it,s nice to be nice, i totaly agree i mean its free and makes us all feel good, its just that i much rather the more expensive option of being a totall a55 hole lol.imgoing to get somthing for the head nextweek for defo, i cant expect people to put up with this, just because im feeling sht dosnt mean i got to make it contagious

[Marcia2202]

I only took shot #2 yesterday, but am soooo starting to understand you. WTF are these meds doing to us???

My emotions have started to get weird and I have been on a total emotional roller coaster for two days now. getting irritated, crying, sobbing as if my heart will actually physically come out of my body ejecting from my throat. Krap... some scary feeling. Next minute I might be as happy and sweet as can be. This kind of behavior is definitely not normal. I soo do not want to go on AD's, but I just called the hospital and they will call back as soon as they have talked to one of the doctors. These mood changes are unpredictable... Just a little remark... and off I go, all teary I'd freakin' feeling sorry for myself or something. It sukks big time. But I'd prefer to get something which stabilizes those extreme mood swings, than starting to become a total a55hole and stooopid cry baby. I can already see the tendencies coming up now and then.... am starting to snap, and that's so not me. I don't like to be mean to people. One of my mottos is, that it's nice to be nice.... Nice as in genuinely nice...

So let's do this together....  I'm going for it. I thought it would be a one day thing, but it seems to be lingering.

Marcia

[almanu]

i hear all your kind words, looks like i got the riba rage, god im reading about this on the he site for months tbh i tought i was prepared, im fairly a placid sort of lad these days so i was expecting to be a bit narky, not like a raving lunatic, lol in my younger days i was a bit of a how can i put this "pyhco" i guess you could call it lol, i was very wild didnt really care about nothing or anybody ,starting to feel like that at the moment, i wouldnt mind but i suffered from guilt by the way i behaved in  my younger days, also my wife seems to be doing everything possible to annoy me i mean everything, from driving by the shops i wanted to go to then saying oh you wanted to go there to putting gravy on my chicken, i know this girl since im 8 years old i hate gravy, above two are just a flash of my day probley seem like nothing to the NORMAL person but to me it was a catastrophy lol,i definatly need somthing to chill me the hell out or i could get my self into trouble outside the family home, i can take a hell of a lot of pressure these days befor i snap, unlike years ago im really afraid i,ll turn into the monster i was years ago, the only person who could really deal with me back then was my wife, cant really see her going true all that sht again nor do i want her to.ive got a constant feeling in the pit of my stomach that somthing bad is going to happen, i really got to sort my head out, id say i,ll be grand if i just take ad,s or xanax or somthing, i really got to get off my high horse regarding these meds.thanks everyone for letting me have a little rant i feel much better now lol,

[redrodeo]

If you're getting that way now ,just think about what a peach you will be in another few months.  I've been clean for over 12 years and I didn't hesistate to take AD and pain pills and sleeping pills. Give yourself a break. This is serious medication you're taking. I finished my tour of duty in may and am still trying to recover. Fortunetly the tx worked.
Lots of times my young son got alot of my rage, he didn't deserve it. Now I feel guilty about that. I didn't care about yelling at strangers, but family thats another thing.
Red

[dointime]

The tx drugs are quite definitely in the 'altered-state-of-consciousness' category, so  your previous experience with mind-altering drugs and of being in a war zone should come in handy.  Most times doctors really don't explain that to people so they don't know what to expect.  They tell you that you might get 'depressed' but based on my experiences 'depressed' does not cover it at all.  

I was lucky during my tx in the sense that I didn't have a partner or a job and therefore I could keep my contact with Other People to a minimum.  I found that Other People were a major danger zone when I was under the influence of tx.  Not only did I have unpleasant encounters with loved ones but the worse was realising later that I had behaved like an a55hole and feeling guilty about it.  Then I'd screw up on the apologising and feel even more guilty.  

So all I can tell you is that what you are feeling is common for tx'ers and unfortunately there's no easy answer.  Some find that anti'ds work for them.  I never went that route, just tried my best to stay away from O.P.

Good luck,
dointime      

[geterdone]

This is about the time the fog glosses over the brain and lets out all kinds of emotions from rage to sadness, and anything can trigger a tear at a drop of a hat and the things that have been locked away the good, the bad and the ugly and will come racing forward and catch you off guard with these meds. The journey dose even out as the meds reach their maximum levels but it is a coaster ride until you get there. Hang in there!

jasper

[epiphiny]

That's a great decision, and I'm guessing you are already starting to feel a bit better.  It's amazing what happens to our minds when we allow ourselves to entertain new possibilities!!  Hang in there and keep us updated.

Keep the faith!
M :)

[almanu]

i like you had a big problem with drugs not so much the alcahol ,im clean years now, im not really worried about relapsing tbh ,im well over that stage in my life, its the people around me that think it might be a problem, ya know the type that no how you feel with out asking you how you feel, the wife mainly.if i feel the same next week im just going to go for it, my mental health is far more important than other peoples fears.
god bless

[comeagain]

On my first tx i had panic attacks the walls was falling over me real scary I also felt evil to the bone if stressed.

This time is not at all like that I thought it was the other brand of medecin that was the course, but know when thinking about it I`m confident that the reason why its so much milder this time is that I´ve been trough it once and i know its gonna be alright, the mind went back to normal in just two weeks after last tx, what a relief that was.

I´ve got some mild stuff for my panicagnesty atarax dont know if it helped maybe a little.

Got in a walley this time around week 30 and now week 33 seems like I´m getting out of it.
My nurse suggested AD , but I`m not to keen on that solution, thats me and if I didn´t took any at the first tx that was 5 times worse i dont see any reason to do it this time either.

I also have a history of heavy drug and alcohol consumtion and one of the biggest hooks
(mentaly) was that I used it mainly as a medecin and a mood changer  i dont wanna take up that pattern which for me could be a risk I think, if starting with AD.

Sometimes I wonder though, if it was stupid of me not to take any at the first tx cause that was really hell.

Any way we all here for you, what ever you decide and don´t be afraid its all gonna get well, although i didn´t clear on first tx I`d felt better then I`ve done in 25years both psysical and mentally ( had a break of 10 months between my treatments).

God bless

ca

[DragonSlayer45]

At around 5 weeks it began to happen to me. I became really irritable. I also did not want to take anything other than the treatment. After flipping out a traffic cop in Philadelphia (I went on a verbal F-bomb laced tirade, I was totally raging), Screaming at some total stranger in a parking garage (who was big enough to be an NFL lineman) and hoping he would get out of his car to engage me, and making every member of my wonderful family cry at least once by something I said to them. That is when I relented and began to take other meds.

I go to a leading doctor at University of Pennnsylvania. He put me on (not all at once) Ambien for insomnia (could not sleep), Xanax (for anxiety and temper), and finally Lexapro (Anti-Depressant) when I did not improve enough with anger issues. I might add that I resisted having to take all of these, but in the end they did the trick. I no longer  have the urge to fight cops or anyone,  I sleep through the night (most nights). It was all a lifesaver for me. I still have a lot of the other side effects that come from treatment but at least now my family and I can tolerate this.

Just for the record, the rage, comes from the interferon. I always thought and was told it came form Ribavarin (Riba Rage) as Marcia mentioned. I have since read reports and and spoke  to my doctor. It is the interferon that causes this not the Ribavarin.

As far as missing your sons practice goes. I can relate and you may need to readjust. I coached youth sports for 20 years including running an entire youth sports organization (100 kids) and the league they participated in (over 600). I was very active. I had to give it all up prior to treatment as I knew I would not be able to do it while treating. I have also missed most of my son's practices for Football this season. I understand you apologizing to them and how you feel I have done the same thing. This was a major blow to me. I will say this I sat down with my family prior to treatment and we discussed the entire thing and all the possibilities and potential side effects this treatment has. They all understand and my kids are great. They tell me to listen to my body and  only come if I feel up to it. Like I I have a great family. My kid is starting quarter back and my other is the starting fullback. They love it when I come watch them and understand when I don't. Trust me it hurts me more than it does them.

I just want you know that everything you are  describing , including the crying, is what I have also experienced and that your doctor can give you additional meds to help. I did not want to take anything and have strong feelings about that like you. I thought I would be strong enough to handle this, I was mistaken.  If you don't take them then you very well may as my doctor said be stopping treatment. The name of the game is to try and go the distance with this. It can be rough. These meds my doctor gave me have worked wonders for me. I hope this helps to hear you are not alone inn your journey. Good luck

[Marcia2202]

'If they don't work for you, you can always stop them but you will never know if you don't try.... '

That was very well put! I will remember that, if I start getting into the situation!

Marcia

[epiphiny]

Like Kristina said take it easy on yourself, and do what you need to do to get through the tx.  This stuff definitely messes with your ****.  Avoid stressful situations if you can, drink that water and focus on your breathing!  I understand that ADs are not for everyone but I really do encourage you to give them a go.  If they don't work for you, you can always stop them but you will never know if you don't try....  

[almanu]

well just got back from my appointment with the hospital and  tbh i didnt really get any comfort, ok granted she suggested i see the phyco ,but she said i needed counciling, mmm to put it mildly i blew my top, let me explaine while counciling is really great for people who need it, i never really lets say got a good start in life, bit of a rough rid if you likeand have recived years of counciling ,im probely more qualified as a bloody counciler than the one she was recomendingand she bloody knows this, she suggested ad,s but im going to hold off for a week or so see how im feeling im not going to rush into taking more **** just because im having a bad  week or so.that story of the bum rash cream reminds me of the time i had piles, i was so imbarresed, didnt say a word to anyone went to the local pharmacy and yes a local girl i use to go out with was on, couldnt go anywere else no were for miles, i was like a 15 year old trying to buy condoms, so after about 20 mins trying to find a cream i now know is called EITHER anusol or preperation h and not perasuol eh which is a cream for soothing sore muscles, eh yes think deep heat or wintergreen and your on the right track, so as i grabbed it and ran awkwardly to the toilet and applied my soothing bum cream, well to say i sounded like a girl on helium be murdered was an understatment.its very funny now. so turn that frown upside down.lol.dont beleive i acually told that story plus ive got tons of them ,how sad am i lmao

[Marcia2202]

wow... the internet really messed up my post three times???? Sorry about that!

Best with your appointment!

Marcia

[Kristina538]

hehe - laughing sure helps.... I was discussing sx's today and...

My partner was just telling me that years ago his Dad (who is not a particularly generous-natured person), had a bum rash and went to the doc's and had some ointment prescribed.   That evening, he brushed his teeth with the ointment and put toothpaste on his bottom.  

I cried laughing;  it cleaned out my sinuses lol.

Good luck with your decisions Almanu - my son is also a great source of love and laughter....