Poor Marriage-end of treatment-stress

[mistybean]

My personallity changed while I was on treatment.  I think I went nuts.  The best I can describe my behavior was like a post partum depression.  And yes, my monlthy cycle did stop while I was on treatment.  Did I hit menopause too?   I was very hard to live with and ended starting treatment with a good marriage and now ending treatment with out a marriage.  My husband has left me.  In part because I have made his life difficult because I became more needy and expresive ( meaning I liked to talk about issues more).  I made mountains out of moles, overacted, and everything was a crissis.  My husband who had quit drinking 7 years before.. developed a every-other day drinking habit.  He would take down alot of booze.   Bottle of wine was on the light side.   He bagan to shut down emotionally and view himself as a victom of my attacts and reckless personality. I was under lot of stress on these drugs, working, and just trying to survive.   I am sure that if my husband would of stayed and accepted I was sick. .. that all of this would of passed.   Now with four days left on treatment.. I have the tough task of trying to find my finacial asset so I can turn them over to a lawyer to proceed with a divorce.     He was my partner.. my love and my life ( outside of work)  I was with him for over 17 years. Now thier is nothing that can tie the two of us back together.  My partner turned on me and I can tell that he wants out.  So out he can go..!!  I hope my new life brings me new excitment and health.

[cougareyes]

Misty I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage troubles, sad thing is this kind of collatoral damage occurs more often than people talk about. Hopefully if it's meant to be you guys can repair what was done during the stress of tx.
I can't stand myself, I'm at 26/48; I can't even imagine how my partner is putting up with me. For those considering tx, thank misty for sharing; this is just another consideration to comtemplate on. Misty believe it ir not, if it's what you want; your marriage can actually be stronger than it was before.   Peace

[johnisme]

So sorry for you girl, hang in there and best of luck to you.

Stay well........John

[jaroman]

I am so sorry to hear your story. I can understand how it can occur though.  Seems to me, if you two truly had a good marriage before, you should ask him to realize you have been on mood altering drugs and you feel that legal proceedings should wait for now.
Perhaps you two could "date" a bit, work on his drinking and give yourself time to recover from tx.
My heart goes out to you.

[beamishboy]

that all sucks!-but are you clearing?--SVR is certainly worthwhile...Not that you should have to pay w/ a relationship.!.my 6 yr lover-(she wanted to get married!!!!!),best friend &'significabnt other' just couldn't deal with me ......ended it just before trx started...i wanted a drink real bad_i did!!--i guess i felt it coming,paranoia depression is not good behavior...i am just gonna try to concentrate on staying with the program--the combo comes 1st...that said, i have trouble putting it out of my head...17 years is way past what i had,but if he was drinking& withdrawing,maybe it's best that you have separated...Good Luck

[mistybean]

My family is in the health care business and they mentioned to me that it is very common for spouces to break up when one has a major medical issue.  In fact, my counseler indicated that in the future doctors should help by educating the family about what may or may not happen to the person on the meds.  If my husband had spoken to my doctor he may of been more understanding. My husband hates to talk.. so conflict.

[mistybean]

My hopes are to clear the virus.  I am a 2 genotype who took my last shot last week.  Finishing the ribo this week.  Early PCR's are good with no virus at week 5 and around 13 or so.  I pretty much followed my meds on time.  I hope to rid the virus but will come to acceptance if I do not.  But so far.. the Dr thinks I have a good chance.   This was a hell of a fight for me.  I guess.. i am a little emotional on tx.  Keep moving forward as I did despite obsticles.

[Forseegood]

Hi, so sorry to hear you've been through so much...but the good thing is that it looks like you're looking forward to the future, which can only be a good thing, I hope the future holds many good things for you and yours.

Of course I dont know the particulars of your situation, I don't even know you except what I read in your posts, so perhaps it's silly for me to comment on your particular situation so I'll speak in generalities...  

I do know something about alcoholism, quite a lot actually. And I do know that many alcoholics are really, really good at not taking personal responsibility for their own actions or inactions, and making other people feel that they are to blame for at least most of the problems that happen within their own personal relationships. There are also certain types of people out there, largely women but they include many men as well, who are very vulnerable to the manipulations of alcoholics, hence the formation of al-anon and a few other codependent groups. These groups are very good for many people who are suffering, they can make people feel much better about themselves and their own situations.

Tx does have a tendency to alter personalities somewhat in some people, that's a given, but life is a mystery and we never know what can happen and sometimes we just have to play the hand we are dealt. Within a marriage vow it says "in sickness and in health" and to me tx falls under the "in sickness" category. I'm sure you weren't any picnic to live with all the time and you have your own issues besides the tx, we all do...but you were treating with some very strong drugs and hopefully, our mates and families will be there to make allowences for this, and all people involved will try their utmost to make the best of a not so great situation...the treater and the people around them. That's what friends are for, that's what families are for...it's easy to stick around when times are good....Just my take and my own opinion...

[mistybean]

You bring up a very positive solution.  I did several times remind my husband that I was on these strange drugs and that my moods .. behavior were altered.  My picking on him about his drinking may or may be an illusion as I really don't see the world right at this time.  Tx..brought up alot of old issues of mine.  Memories of my past with my extremly violent alchoholic farther began to surface.  So my husbands drinking did drive me nuts because I saw a very goodlooking man put on 50 pounds over a periord of a year.  He began to look haggaged and tiered and i began to resent his problem. Life became too complicated with these alchohol issues. I became a co-dependent and got caught in the alchohlic cycle of rescue/resentment/ and anger.  Now he is angry with me and and wants away from me.  He is an electrical engeener with a very good company. He will be popular with the girls because they think he has money from his stock... etc.  I say.. I  think I set his circut off.   My goal is learn what I learned from TX.  My issues surfaced for a reason.  I will move on and hopefully prosper.  

Thanks so much1

[mistybean]

You are correct.  I have never been a real easy to live with.  I am a hard driving female who has accomplished many goals:  from teen IV drug use to college, good job and 15 years in marraige.  Anyway.. what the tx did was force me to start to learn about how alcholism effects the family.   Being the kid of very mean alcholholic you would of thought I would understand the issues.  My mother shot my dad when I was 16 because he was drunk.  He lived. I freaked out when my husband began to be obessesed with alchol..  I began a nagging control freel. I saw his obsesseions taking over, his moodness increased, and he began to blame me and find fault in how I was.  Why... because he is not happy with himself.  He will figure this out some day.   I am free now.. to move on.

cheers

[Forseegood]

Good for you! I hear the conviction in your voice, and though nothing worth obtaining is easy, I know in my heart you'll make it!

[Sambone Martian Ambassador To the moon]

On mars we have an old saying " it doesn't matter where we have been, that is only where we have gone. It doesn't matter what we have done, that is only what we did, and it raelly doesn't matter where we are at,that is only where we are. The only real question is what are we going to do now? Running off a relapsed alcoholic is A pretty good place to start. Hang in there.
                                      Sambone

[beamishboy]

good news on your status!....you have to deal with one thing at a time;and your health is #1.......as grandma use to say"without your health,you don't have anything..........cheers to your health& new life..

[fresnoborn]

so sorry to hear about your marriage. i like the way you said " so out he can go!". congratulations to you for staying strong and focusing on what is most important, YOU. take care

[can-do-man]

Running off a relapsed alcoholic is A pretty good place to start.

Being a alcoholic is ALSO a disease. Hope you don't feel that way about a person who relapse's from hcv

[Forseegood]

Just wanted to say that I think alcoholics in recovery can be some of the best people anyone could know, as long at that person is sober and working on their own sobriety and responsibilities. And yes, it is a disease - mental and physical, but that's not to say that another person has to put up with a lot of bad behavior a practicing alcoholic can dole out to a person in a relationship with them...or someone in their family.

Sometimes actually staying with a practicing alcoholic can actually enable their bad behavior...once left to their own devices many times they can come to grips with their disease and really do something about it...or not, it's their path and their path only. You can always let them know you care and love them without putting up with a bunch of bad behavior.

[johnisme]

Before this thread go's down the gutter route id just like to say that today ive been married for 25 years, thats half my life. Theres been good times, bad times, and rough times. My tx. has been put off twice now and i know the stress that i've been having.

Misty i don't know about your marriage problems or if things can work out for you two. But im sure after 17 years of being together you have also had the good, the bad, and the rough times. If its at all possible to work things out i would hope you both would try. It might be easy for some to say good for you and get on with out him but its been your 17 years together. Only you know whats best for you, but at lease take some time to think about it before jumping into a divorce.

That said, you don't need to put up with a alcoholic. I just hope maybe things will work out for you, i know for me after 25 years it would be hard to start over.

Stay well........John

[strator]

mistybean -
I think Forseegood has a great point on the manipulation by alchoholics, and on the help that can be provided by al-anon. I am certainly an alchoholic. Yes I am in recovery, clean and sober but I will be an alcoholic til the day I die. Your husband may have been headed towards a drink long before you went on tx, maybe not. My opinion, when he's ready, he needs to work on that. My opinion, you have to be careful about taking blame on yourself. There isn't a need for you to blame either of you. Only to work on the issues. You say you may have over reacted because of issues with your father. For all I know you may already be familiar with al-anon or have worked on that. But right now I doubt you over reacted. I think you probably reacted with the proper weight that memories of an alchoholic relationship gave you. Maybe you can find help dealing with the weight you give it and working through it with some balance.

I know I can't give realtionship advice. I always thought  a  relationship was climbing up my daughter's mom's fire escape drunk,at 3 in the morning to knock on the window once or twice a month. I also have to go get help  dealing with how I react to my son's mom, who is an  active crack addict. Even though the way it effects my son is no different then how I use to effect my daughter, and my son. I still need someone else to help me learn how to handle it properly. I pray you may be able to work through this.

Forseegood - It really does effect our families so much. Life is there with or without tx. I have to reach out soon -because my irrational attitude lately is starting to effect my son's attitude more. As much as I tell him about the meds and talk to him - he's first a human, second a kid, third-going through that puberty age. I'm not exactly on top of my game- we can suffer through it, or we can get help dealing with it. Tx can make things tougher, or it can be one of those things that helps us learn how to make better use of all the help available. Now I guess I gotta go upstairs and try and put this into practice. Sometime's I forget what a blessing to have this kid. What's that they been telling me- gratitude is an ACTION word.

Thanks to both of you for reminding me of this.
Don

[Moniker]

Congratulation on finishing treatment; that's a great achievement.

I agree with Forseegood; Al-Anon seems like a good suggestion.

I go to AA, and I've accepted that I am powerless over alcohol; that was the first step. I understand that in Al-Anon the first step is to acknowledge that you are powerless over someone else's alcoholism. The best way to help an active, drinking alcoholic, is to step back, and take care of your own life. You can never take responsibility for his drinking. It wasn't your hep c treatment that made him drink. Alcoholics drink just because they are alcoholics, and what they need to do is to admit that they are powerless over alcohol, and that their lives have become unmanageable. I learned to stay sober one day at a time. There is no excuse for me to pick up a drink. If I did pick up a drink, it would be nobody else's fault.

Often things work out over time. A friend of mine is in Al-Anon and her marriage almost ended because her husband was an active alcoholic. They did separate, but have been back together now for many years - now that he is sober. They have a good relationship now. He's in AA, she's in Al-Anon. The sober alcoholics that I know are the finest people in the world. We never know how things in life may work out.

Congratulations again for finishing your treatment. Good for you!

[HepCinLA]

What a jerk!  How nice that your husband made this all about himself by playing the victim.  I don't care if you were stark-raving mad, that's your perogative while on treatment.  He should have known that depression and moodiness were part of the temporary symptoms and dealt with it accordingly.

I say good riddance.  You need a strong partner, someone who's going to support you no matter what instead of crumbling like a weak jellyfish.

Divorce is like a death but with every death comes a rebirth.  Think of this as a whole new beginning and a whole new you.  A way to start fresh without all that emotional garbage.

Good luck and keep us posted!
Lots of love and positive engery from Cali ~

[strator]

One further alcohol/riba related vent I have:

Yesterday at my sister's house for Christmas an incident happened that could have turned ugly. It involved my potential rage, Riba enhanced, her husband-who had been drinking and who I've known since we were kids. I've had a big resentment with him since a childhood incident between us that absolutely no one in the family knows about. We don't even acknowledge each other in the same room. He seems to have issues with my son because of me. Anyways some innocent horseplay amongst the kids, my son included, led to my brotherinlaw(6-1 200lbs) physically manhandling my kid to the point of his running out of the party in tears, his arms turning black and blue. It had stopped at that only because my adult daughter had been in the room(I wasn't)& she physically got between them. I followed my son out when he blew through the other room and he told me what happened- I FELT ballistic, a grown man instigating violence against a barely 14yr old isn't acceptable. Not my opinion, my belief. First I suggested my son take some time to calm down before returning. THEN I realized I didn't want to hurt my brotherinlaw, JUST wanted to slam him on the ground, fist above his head, and make him beg for his life. I had to remove myself and go for a quick walk. I'm godfather to my brotherinlaw's son, who is godfather to my son(go figure). It was Christmas, Santa was about to appear and hand out gifts to all- same as every year there. Anyways I even went in the bathroom, knelt down and prayed for guidance, fearful of what a bad situation I could turn it into especially ON RIBA, and holiday stressed, and set it all aside before I went back in. I do Have to deal with lettinmg my bro-inlaw know it just can never, ever happen again. Some friends tonight suggested that without dealing with my childhood issues with him, maybe with a professional, I may not be the one to deal with yesterday properly. Probably good advice. If it wasn't for advice those friends gave me a couple of years ago, I probably wouldn't have removed myself for a while yesterday.
Sorry for the vent-not thinking well on my own lately.
Don

[beamishboy]

strator;you did good man! that scene ,as you recounted it,made my bloodboil too...you are walking,talking example of somebody taking charge of their lives..too many parallels w/ my own for comfort....you been reading my mail??
everyone gives such thotful,insightful advice, bean,if there is any hope for your marriage-goodluck,love is soo hard to find...about former or nondrinking alcoholics..they are truly some of the most honest,caring and "been there" advisers out there..we are all dealing with a lot of stress-i am constantly amazed&impressed by the character&strength of all---is that a sx of hep-c?????

[Forseegood]

As if to emphasize our points made about recovering alcoholics being some of the best people to know, Strator recounts, with his usual forthright honesty, how he was able to find strength in dealing with a potentially volatile situation. I always get something from your posts Strator, and to think youre on tx to boot. AA and Al-anon and some others, are about a bunch of people helping each other come to some honesty and integrity about themselves, and Strator and some others here are fine examples of the program, at least to me. Hope I wasn't being too much of a budinsky, just thought I'd post some of my beliefs about these types of matters, while trying not to be too specific about what anybody should actually do....of course that's up to them ultimately.

It's great to see so many caring and supportive people here, hopefully we can all surround ourselves with caring and supportive people as well, we all deserve this from people, just like they derserve it from us, I really believe this...Strator I know other kids who went through having parents on tx and later on they were able to even joke about it, hopefully this will happen in your household as well...if anything it can also teach them patience and forbearance (and retaining a good sense of humor under any circumstances) good lessons for anybody to learn I would think...

[nyhepc]

the holidays were such a tough time for us all...my heart goes out to us all, and may we each find strength wherever it's at.
my dad was in the hospital over christmas (ok now), my sister wouldn't help with my mother, trying to do christmas with kids, grandbabies, hgb at 9.4....too much!!!!!!
but then....my 22-yr old son was here with his 16-month old. he split up with her mother after thanksgiving, and this was his first trip home alone with baby.  who was this boy that showed up?????? it wasn't my son...my son has never done his own laundry, never made a bed, never changed a diaper, never worried about having apple juice on hand, never dressed the baby.  this boy that showed up did all those things. i watched him with such pride in my heart i thought it would burst. i finally figured out the problem....my son the boy is gone,  it was my son the man that was here. and today, that's where i will find my strength

[wMich]

Though chronic illnesses are often not anyone's fault, a sufferer usually affects everyone around them. However, it is that person's responsibility to follow suggestions and do what they need to do to get and keep themselves well. It seems that you have done just that in treating your HepC and hats off to you. It is also clear that your spouse has not done his part in keeping his alcoholism in remission (i.e. attend meetings, talk about what's going on inside, not take the first drink). Alcoholism is about way more than drinking as you know. I think I may have once suggested this to you and apologies if I sound like a broken record but please give Al-Anon family group meetings a try. I hope that things work out for you in every way.   - Lee