well ive lOst it

[BonnieRobin]

Had to leave work at 12 today-wasnt feeling well at all and couldnt handle the what if's????????
Im so far gone......................
first time in My life i couldnt keep it together.
(e.g.) lose house move in one room with mom and 3 cats, cant go DISABILITY doc said almost 100% IMPOSSIBLE WITH HEP C. bLAH..BLAH..BLAH.. AND WHAT IF i DONT MAKE IT.
iM GREAT SUPPORT FOR YOU GUYS .......OMG..IVE LOST IT.

[Forseegood]

good post...what's the old Buddhist saying, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear?

Bonnie doesn't seem like she's ready yet, she only wants to hear her own negative ideas and explanations that are lying to her....against all the evidence we've given here, see another doc if she didn't like this one, he manybe is not the best, that's for sure...I don't mean to sound harsh and I know I do, but sometimes people need a little tough love to really "HEAR".....

we've turned ourselves into pretzels trying to explain that Stage 2 damage isn't that big a deal, that there is a lot of room between stages, as you get more advanced...3 to 4 is worse..and on it goes...Even stage 4 has many stages to it....

A stage 2 just isn't that big of deal!!!! relatively speaking...maybe Bonnie should look at some slides of liver biopsies (they are on the net) and see what a 2 looks like as compared with an advanced 4....

My girlfriend still has hep c, and has been a stage 4 for 13 years now...she's not headed anywhere but to pick up her kid from school...she's living her life the best she can, and she's way worse off then us...

there can be years and years between stages...

Bonnie, if I were you, I'd just get my ducks in a row, ask my doc to put me on the meds once everything was ready (you can get the drug co's to pay for the treatment), and see about treating, cause it doesn't seem like youre the type of person that can live with this virus...I've known Ive had this since 2001 and I just barely got to be a stage 2.....I was a 1 for most of it....boy was I glad I wasn't a 3 or worse...but Ive been following it...

Maybe you can't live with it, I might be completely wrong, but that's my gut feeling...and of course I'm no doc and you do what you need to do with your doc's consultation ultimatley...

Cause if someone WANTS to believe something, there is really nothing any of us can do about that...this is what I'd look into, these unreasoning, illogical voices in your head...Bonnie, please seek help, we're not always equipped to help everyone...Like I said, really sorry if I sound harsh, but maybe you'll get it in the future, I wish you the best of luck with this and much, more peace...

[mauilady]

"Im not scared of treatment Im scared of the number 2 liver damage and what that means to my body and the rest of my life."

What are you scared of??  You have it, that's a fact, but the good news is that liver damage IS reversible and the rest of your life is uncertain anyway.  Everyone's "rest of our lives" is uncertain.  Hell, you could get run over by a garbage truck today/tomorrow/whenever/whatever and then what??  HepC didn't kill you, that's for sure....

Seek help!

[BonnieRobin]

But like you said I am becoming too popular on this site and not in a favorable way. Try and help some other people that need your wonderful support. Im in a bad way now the more I try I hust take another step backwards. I cant get it together. Im in  black hole and I feel like I cant breathe 24/7. Try to do some soul searching and Ive realized that Im not scared of treatment Im scared of the number 2 liver damage and what that means to my body and the rest of my life.
Thanks for all the time, support and caring you have given me.
It means alot.
Bonnie

[rosebud57]

well i skipped down so if someone said this sorry for repeat.  it is late i should be sleeping.  i was able to get disability with no problem.  they did offer disability for this condition. (temp for 90 days, then you have dr. renew), and you can apply for FMLA  whatever it is called family leave act, to save your job. but i don't think there is a guarantee for that past 90 days, but if you have to tx. longer, and are ready to get work later   probably could get unemployment while you were looking so i wouldn't worry about it.  just figure out what you can do.  and you should be eligible for disability if you have paid into the system.  that is nonsense that the dr says you can't be more assertive and tell him you want him to sign you up.  he just puts the v-code for the reason and there is a category for HepC

http://www.acponline.org/journals/news/sep04/icdchanges.htm

    The new ICD-9 codes that every internist should know
Copyright

[illo]

Glad to hear you don't drink.  You'll get thru this.
One step at a time.  You can and will come out of this OK.

[GrandmaA]

Can you get some antidepressants from your Dr.? Lots of people with hep. C take them even before the tx starts and they do much better.

SFgirl got stress disability, but she worked for the school system.

[Forseegood]

I know about 6 people on Janis who have disablity and SS from Hep C...course they had to work hard to build their cases, get lawyers *after* they built their cases with doctors, psychiatrists, etc signing them off for it...but it is possible...you just have to have a good lawyer and know what youre doing and do the footwork, which is involved...they figure that most people asking for it won't do all this to weed out people...

[illo]

Can you get a pro bono attorney?  Anyone here have any luck with that?

If I may be so bold, I agree with everyone, esp NYgirl.  HCV loves alcohol.  It's gotta go.  It's like puttin' out a fire with a hose connected to a gas pump.

I'm taking a chance and getting philosophical here.....  
Love yourself and take special care of yourself.  You're tough and you deserve it!  It's OK you lost it.  Heck, you're carrying an incredible burden.  You have 2 choices right now.  Be a victim, or say, 'I'm not gonna take it anymore, and I going to do something about it right now!"  See yourself the way you want to be at the end of all of this.  I'll bet you have only visualized your problems and not the outcome you desire!  Sounds simple, but you can do it.  See and feel yourself strong.
You are!  I do believe in you!

[BonnieRobin]

i DONT DRINK ALCHOHOL.'

BONNIE

[BonnieRobin]

Thanks Im a gonner right now....you guys have been super-duper. Bit Ive been a real downer. Will talk to you all when feeling somewhat alive again.

Health & Love to all of you.
Bonnie

[GrandmaA]

In my support group they said everyone is denied the first go round on disability for hep. C unless they also have another serious condition. But things are changing slowly but surely. Thanks for the information. I think I can work 14 more days. My job is usually easy.

[illo]

I also want to add, these people are so helpful, and I am grateful to have found each and everyone of them.  They 'held my hand' and helped me take the giant step to put this 'stuff' in my body.  (Against my better senses)  If they helped me to to do that, they can do pretty much anything.

Thanks everybody!

[ksk3926]

Bonnie,
You've got to stop worrying about what ifs. It does you absolutely no good. I was so terrified to start treatment that I put it off for years.  Thankfully I finally worked up the courage up and started. I can't tell you the difference that decision made for me. I stopped making myself crazy with worry and dove into treatment. I became a stronger person. Educate yourself and then decide how you want to proceed. What you are doing to yourself now (what if, what if, what it.....) is NOT helping you.
Kathy

[orphanedhawk]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Sometimes it is darkest before the dawn.

[Forseegood]

just re-read this and I hope I don't sound like I'm promoting that you get dissability, or SS...only that your doctor was wrong and if you ever needed it, it is possible, people do get it who have Hep C......they don't give it to you for Hep C per se, but for how disabled you are from any malady you have (especially if you have these maladies along with depression) and if that disablement keeps you from working...you know what you can do and maybe working is the best thing for you, to help keep your mind occupied on constructive issues...after a few days of rest or soemthing, sure you have vacation time or sick time, etc...anyway, take care...and if you need to see a shrink for talking, a therapist, a psychiatrist, do so, they can give you some much needed help if you need it...

[FlGuy]

Let's rewind a week or so when you first posted:
Then:
You knew you had hcv
You knew you had it for many years
You knew you were Geno 1
You knew you were stage 1
Now:
You knew you had hcv
You knew you had it for many years
You knew you were Geno 1
You knew you were stage 2

Is the change from a 1 to a 2 the cause of all you're going through? Or, is there something else?  You also said you took valium 2x/day. Do you still?

[Forseegood]

hi, there is just a lot of misinformation with this stuff...people are denied first time around if they go for themselves without proper representation...I know a guy who had AIDs and was down to his last t-cells and they denied him it, then he got a lawyer and won  his case, he did go through legal aid and he still won....

if someone does have a good lawyer, and they've done all their footwork with doctors, psychiatrists, etc signing them off beforehand (meaning disabling them with good letters and questionarres)...before they go get a good lawyer, (cause the lawyers in these cases mostly file papers with the court and show up for your hearing, they are not going to do loads of work for these types of cases, cause they are getting flat percentages from back settlements - so they are making their money on the amount of good cases they have, and all those percentages.) It's like evidence with any case, the more doctors you have, and the more maladies, ie, depression signed off by a psychiatrist, the better case you have...

You have to have built up a good case for yourself with doctors, psychiatrists and everything before a good lawyer will handle your case...then once you get the good lawyer) (and they are not all good, you have to ask how many of their cases have they won to lost ratio, etc) then you go for your case...A good lawyer will probably not take your case to begin with, unless you've done all this footwork yourself.....they don't want to waste their time with cases without a lot of evidence on paper and organized, i.e, doctors signing you off, etc....

It's like anything else, they have a self-perpetuating beaucracy, a system, and they have judges, lawyers, that run that system...Most of the SS judges used to be Social Security lawyers themselves....you wouldn't represent yourself for a murder trial, so you don't represent yourself in a social security case either, if you can help it...

there are people who are very bad off that do win their cases by themselves, on the first try without an appeal, but that's rare...and there are people who do win their cases first time, with a good lawyer...they are going to make it hard for people, of course...which makes sense, if everyone that thought they should get SS won their case, it would cripple the system...

At the same time, if you have a legitimate case of disability, you should be able to avail yourself of it...

Once again, this is not to advocate that everyone should get this, or that anybody in particular should get this, I'm just making general statements here..

[Forseegood]

Excellent post...

[BonnieRobin]

I didnt know at what stage I was. Back in 84 they did a biopsy but in those days they just told     me there was an inflammation and they said down the road I might have a problem.
So I just learned yesterdayf or the first time I was a 2/2.-And that totally freaked me out.
VL-8mill.
Normal Bilirubin & Alts.
In one day my entire life was at a hault and a scary one for me.
Everything has stopped. All I have to look froward to in the next year will be ifs and maybes and I cant help it.. The tx is terryfing me.
I can pretend to be  rational when Im not. Look at what I have to look forward to in the next year. Im petrified for many many reasons.

[BonnieRobin]

Yes Im taking 20 mg. og Paxil everyday started yesterday...ANd just for now mg. of val in mor and night. Still freaking.


Thank you for being here for me.

[BonnieRobin]

correct! hope you are good! I didint know my stage until yesterday
and the doc said WE MUST treat now.

And good luck withthe valium they arent doing the trick but Im on overdrive..........


Thanks Angel!
Hope you feel ok
Bonie

[Forseegood]

one more post and I'll let this go...out of that family of benzo's...the valium is the strongest...if you need tranqs, why not ask your doctor if maybe you can switch to xanax or ativan? And maybe play with the dose, and gradually reduce it? Ask your doctor about this, tranqs can have a kick-back effect that might be, ironically, be making you more nervous and at loose ends...talk to him abou all this....

Ativan is supposedly the mildest for your liver, or at least that's what it says on the lit...don't think you ever answered if you were in menopause, that right there can drive you a little over the bend, for some women anyway...really glad they started you on anti-depressants, but they take a few weeks (it's different for everybody) to kick in, you might be feeling much better soon...for me, working with anxiety and depression needs a several prong approach, perhaps chemical and spritual, and cognitive therapy, talk therapy and meditation...

I'm very committed because I want to feel better, I dont like feeling really bad...the more you do the better most times...there is a good book out there called The Feeling Good Hand Book, by Dr. David Burns...what it does is it makes you look at the logic and validity of your own thoughts...It's called Cognitive Therapy that you can do on yourself...

It has a graph where you can measure most forms of twisted thinking...

Like All or Nothing Thinking...you see things in black-or-white categories..If a situation falls short of perfect, it's a total failure..when a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice-cream, she tells herself, I've blown my diet completely...that will maybe lead to eating a whole tub of ice cream!

Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or getting let go of your job, as a never-ending pattern of defeat...by using words such as *always* or *never*...

Mental Filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it to the exclusion of all else..so that your version of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water...you might recieve many positive examples or comments, but you focus on that one bad one to make yourself feel bad...

Jumping to Conclusions: You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusions. Mind Reading: Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you...

Emotional Reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: I feel terrified about going on airplanes, so it must be really dangerous to fly...OR I *feel* angry, so it must mean that I'm being treated unfairly...this is giving way to much importance to your reactions and feelings, they aren't always right in analyzing an issue...

anyway, I gave you some examples from the graph in his book, most of us do these things from time to time, but a negative thinker will indulge in this type of thinking a lot....where even a highly intelligent person will forget their logic and common sense because of this negative thinking...this graph really helps me to put things in perspective by just reading it sometimes...I hope it helps someone else...

  

[pitter]

jeez Bonnie...you are very popular around here!!! that should make you feel better!!!! everyone wants to help you!!! wishing you all the best...it will all get better...just slow way down to one day at a time...or even 5 mins. at a time...
don't try to fix everything in one day...it will all come together for you...
i need to tell myself that too.
peace.

[orphanedhawk]

If you are afraid fear of doing tx, then it is fear of the unknown, a normal human way to feel. In many ways tx isn't as bad as I'd thought. At times it is a roller coaster. In my better moments I see it as another chapter in the book of my life. Its not my favorite one but I have learned a lot about things I was never interested in and about myself. Even this can give us an opportunity to grow and learn. The hard this is keeping focused. Look inside you self to the best part, find your heart, the part that loves and cares, and live there. Let htat be the center of your focus. Take a hot bath, get a massage, walk in the woods. Do what is soothing and healing for you.  Then watch a comedy and laugh!