Infidelity User Group
Does it still go threw your mind
About This Group:

For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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Does it still go threw your mind

It has been 4 years,,im still with him,,He has changed completely,,he tells me he loves me every single day,,he says it was a wake up call for him,,Thing is i suffer in silence every single day like the first,, still till today,,i will be honest and say he also gave me a wake up call,, and i could never look at him the same way ever again,,there is not a single day that whent by that i did not have a thought of what he has done to are family and my self,,do i trust him,,Definatley ,,but in my heart i really dont care,,its not a trust issue for him to repeat it again,,its what he did and all the lies for months,,it makes me feel like a fool and shows no respect for my well being,,to me he laughfed and took advantage of my trust and took a chance to loose me ,,i lost are home and everything we ever worked for is gone all because of his disregard for himself and mine,,i not only struggle now i blame him for it,,but not to his face,,in my mind,,and every day i look around me its a reflection of what he has done,,I DO NOT THROW IT IN HIS FACE I ADMIT I USED TO ALL THE TIME AT THE BEGINING,,but i do not anymore ever,,i just keep it to my self,,and if im with him and i do see woman glance him,i dont say a word but it even doubles my daily thought,,Any one feel this way
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145992_tn?1341348674
Hi Lor, glad to see you on here again.  Sadly, I do know how you feel.  I had just wrote a comment to someone in the Relationship Forum about just how hard it is working through infidelity.  I can say that I am happy and Richie and I are doing well.  But there are times when I feel just how you feel.  We are human and we have emotions and even though we can move forward, those thoughts will always be there.  It's sad because you wish that memories of the infidelity can be erased and unfortunately, they are tatooed on our brains.  I started a blog about my journey and the name of my blog is "wounds heal scars remain" because it's so true, even though the initial wounds are healed, there is that scar that will forever be there.  Richie treats me better than ever and yet every time he goes out I wonder if he's being honest with me about where he's going.  I do give him grief still.  I don't bring up his affair but I still question if he's being faithful to this day.  I'm not sure if that ever goes away.  Maybe as years go by it gets less and less.  I know I'm so much better than I was before.  I try my hardest to be easy going and allow myself to trust him.  The pain of infidelity is so intense and it puts a sort of wall between us and them.  I hope it gets easier for you at some point and you can enjoy the love your husband is giving to you now.  That's what I try to do.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi lor662,
I'm sorry You are still in such a difficult place.   It's still a heavy burden You carry, and I'm sorry for that too.  You will never forget, and I'm sorry for that too.  I was relieved to hear from You here at long last.  I've been very concerned for You since our last correspondence and I've wondered and wondered if You were okay.  I'm glad You're okay.
Tink
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Thank you,, There are different ways and emotions that every person handles the situation of infidelity,,Some say they move on and there marriage is better than ever,,Really you think?For me i moved on in the way of not throwing it in his face or argueing with him any more,,The trust?Ihave to be honest and say probably he would not ever do this again,,but who knows?i never thought he would in the first place?Like i have said befor,,He claims it was a wake up call for him,,Its a shame that he needed to resort to this whole situation and mess and everything that came with it to have a wake up call,,I had a wake up call also,,knowing the one person i trusted and had a family with would disrespect me and bankrupt are family for his so called wake up call,,Really sad,,Risk loosing the so call person you claim to love so much for a woman you just met and she new you had a family wich also disrespects herself and him at the same time..I keep this this with me its in my heart forever and thoughts,,Yes life goes on and so do we,,but it wont change the fact that we still suffer in silence in are own way,,All the victems of infidelity handle the situation different because every situation is different,,also the way we find out plays a big role also in the way we think i believe
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Avatar_f_tn
Do You know what?, lor622,  I don't think the Pain, the Hurt, the Anguish, the Despair, etc., etc., we go through when there is infidelity is that different from one of us to the other.  I think the difference of whether a Marriage survives or not involves many, many other things - whether or not we can go on knowing that we have been so betrayed by the one Person we believed would love us as deeply as we loved Them.  Sometimes it's "easier" to stay than it is to leave, especially when there are Children involved.  Either way, it's the hardest thing many of us go through.  One never forgets - one just learns to function with what has now forever been changed.  We find ways to "justify" why we should stay and "try" to Trust and Believe again.  I did all this myself, and more.  But mine wasn't a one time situation.  I withstood the anguish for 15 years (I had 3 Children)  - my husband never stopped cheating - he moved on every Friend, Relative and Neighbor I had and it dam* near killed me!!  I have no words in my vocabulary to express my pain. (let alone the humiliation I felt for so many to know what he was doing)  You never forget!!  I AM SO SORRY FOR THE ANGUISH YOU ARE LEFT WITH but I'm glad You have found a way to go on
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I am lor663 i had a hard time to sighn in with my password,,,,,And yes i agree with you,,staying was easier for me because at the time i was financially at a good place,,Until i found out we were not since he entered in his affair,,which made it even harder for me to leave ,,its not an excuse,,i suppose i could of gone to family etc,,but you are already humiliated and with kids to pack up its not that easy,,especialy when he refused to leave,,And the memories never leave,,I spent a year going to court cause she harrassed me at my job my familys home and by telephone,,the courts issued her restraining order and a year of keep the peace,,Funny how she harrased the victum  me ,,when i never ever called her or anything,,All because my husband would not leave me,,wow,My Husband told me she ascked him are you leaveing your wife,,I THINK THE BETTER QUESTION WOULD BE IS YOUR WIFE LEAVEING YOU,,goes to show when he told me that i imagined more of all the lies going on between them both,,,I honestly do not no how any marriage could be better than ever after an affair,,Is it better cause they get caught so now we can look and watch them like mothers and keep track of everything,,were as befor we were in the dark,,No infidelity is so disrespect full of us are children and every one else who no and no we dont,,Its humiliating,,disrespectful and cruel,,All i no is life whent on for me but the pain and memmories of everything stays with me even after 4 years like the first day i got that call and home visit from the misstress,,thanks
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973741_tn?1342346373
I don't think you need an excuse to keep your family intact.  I think it takes great strength to do this and sometimes the 'easier' thing to do is leave.  

I'm a fan of redirecting thought.  If you start to 'go there'-----  actively have a plan of either something else to do or thoughts to have. Force yourself to move in that direction when you start thinking of the past.

And the affair is your past.  You have made a decision to stay with your husband, I presume with the hope of being happy again someday.

The reason why some marriages do get better after an affair is because if you can accept that your husband could have easily left you behind but didn't--------  you will believe that you are his choice.  His change in behavior means he now values you more than he did before.  Sure, he crushed the innocence of your relationship but knowledge is power.  Attitude is everything.  If you see the positives in bad situations------------  you learn, grow and improve.  

I've had great tragedy in my life.  I've found wisdom and positives in all of it.  It is hard to look at things that way but there is great benefit in doing so.

One of the greatest things we can have is peace.  I wish you peace on this journey.  
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Good point,,but in my situation was i his choice? she was not playing with a full deck,,she threatened him harrased him and me,,she was a big problem for him,,i was not
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973741_tn?1342346373
Yes, you were his choice.  He could have moved on with or without her.  He chose to stay and be in the position of the 'bad guy'.  

He's chosen to stay married to you----------  he could have left to be with the other woman OR another woman besides her or on his own.  Nope-----------  he stayed with you and has tried to show you he loves you.  Accept that.  Peace.
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You said my husband choose me after the affair,,No my husband choose her,,Thats what an affair is? they choose the other woman over us and are family,,Should us the victems be Happy they stayed after they get caught,,Seriously???DID WE NOT HAVE A SAY,,THE BETTER QUESTION IS ??ARE WE LEAVEING THEM??many husbands stay for several reasons also,,TTINKKERBBELL,husband stayed after repeat cheating ,,should she be HAPPY HE STAYED?????????????????you make it sound like we should be gratefull they go out and cheat and destroy are lives and are values,,are family,s AND WE SHOULD BE GRATEFULL THEY CHOOSE US?????THERE ARE SEVERAL REASONS MEN STAY??AS WOMAN,,SO SUGAR COATING THAT IS WRONG
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He could have moved on with or without her,,REALLY YOU THINK,,then they should not  do that in the first place,?????,He choose to stay and be in the position of the 'bad guy'.   really??? THEY ARE THE BAD GUY,,,They choose the position to engage in a affair?Now we should be HAPPY THEY SO CALL CHOOSE US????OH YA ITS ALL THERE CHOICE TO STAY OR LEAVE? GEE I FEEL SO BLESSED YOU SO CALL CHOOSE TO STAY WITH ME AND BE IN THE POSITION OF A BAD GUY??I MEAN SINCE I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,,BLESSED WITH INFIDELITY
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh geez lor, calm down.  If you think your current place emotionally is good for you, stick with it.  No skin off my back.

You completely missed my point because you are holding onto your anger for dear life.  

He could have left you for GOOD.  But he is still there.  This does not negate his despicable actions but should be something you can accept as a positive in your relationship.  Otherwise, leave the guy.

But please turn your caps off and quit shouting at me.  This is a public forum where others can share their ideas and mine was only meant to give you a little different outlook to think about.  Here is to hoping that some day you have peace within.  
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I am not angry,i am just voiceing an opinion also ,he could of left me for good,, i just dont see it that way thats all,,i could of left him for good also,,i do not find that comfort to shift a thought of that kind because i do not feel special for his decision to not leave,,he should be the one who should be gratefull thats all ,,also i no in my heart why he did not leave,,he bancrupt are family,,and his misstress was not all there,,that he later on dureing his affair found out,,he did feel bad,,i would to if i did what he did ,,emotionaly and financialy,,also i have not throw any of this in his face and i do not ask him any more questions?because he still tells me what i want to here ,,not the truth so i do not even bother,,at the begining i did but shortly after i never did,he seems more concerned then i,,he calls me all the time to chek in with me,i tell him not to ,to stop and he continues,,on his lunch he will go out of his way to come home,,he has nothing to prove to me i dont care,,he actually does not like when i dont throw it in his face ,,weird,,i tell him whats the point,,he asks me if i hate him,,i tell him i dont hate you but i do not like what you have done,,he says if i could change it i would,,my responce is you cant change it,,and i apologize i always do some cap locks not towards you
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, I'm sure it is a hard situation at home.  My suggestion wasn't so that you should give him an award for staying but looking for the positive is all.  

I'm sorry it is hard.  It does sound like you have left the relationship emotionally.  His questions of you are probably because he knows that on some level.  

Anyway, I do wish for peace in your heart over it all and future happiness.
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Avatar_f_tn
I use capitals often too, not cuz I'm yelling at anyone but because I'm trying to express the deep passion I may be feeling in the moment, trying to emphasize certain words in order to express the passion.  It's hard to express the written word in the same way we might speak it.  I've been understood as angry too when that has not been my intent.  (Oh, I HAVE been angry in years past, but not any longer).  We only speak in words and the written word is not the same as when we are better able to convey our passion one on one when we are speaking with someone.  To me, You sound "resigned to Your fate".  I  felt that way (resigned).   I told him I would "accept" his affairs and not interfere with his cheating in any way as long as he made no sexual demands on me.  I had long since quit loving him and I wanted no intimacy with him.  I thought I could continue to live with this man for the sake of my Children and for the rest of my life.  I did live this way with him for some years then, as I said earlier - all of a "sudden" I couldn't stand even the sight of him, I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him.  When I left him I was bent only on saving my sanity - I wasn't looking for happiness, I didn't expect I would EVER be happy but that was okay with me!!  I simply didn't want to be UNhappy anymore!!  I HAD to get away from him.  SO - even now if it's somewhat difficult to be around him at Family Functions I tell myself, I KEEP telling myself "this is small potatoes compared to what I went through when I was married to him!!"  Change is possible for You too.  It takes a long time, a REALLY long time with a history and such abuse and torment as You've had but one day You will find more peace and comfort either with Your present husband or with another, maybe a different future.  I know You can't see that now but it's possible.
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Thank you ttinkkerbbell,i no you understand,,When i had no knowledge of the affair i would look forward to see him after work,,as that got more and more rare,,when he would answer the phone finally i always said i love you to him,,i did see a great change in him,,his time his excuses,,late early hrs,,wardrobe,,etc,,he would sit every morning with me and we would have coffee and he would give me a kiss when i left to go into work,,i ignored all these sighns and a lot more,,i always took care of the house and always made sure he had supper for when he finally came home,,not eaten of course,,we lived in the country and had a car and truck,,he always had an excuse to make sure i could not drive out when he left,,he would say the truck needed repairs so he took are car,,no buses of course so i was stranded till he came home,,he would leave his cell home so i could not contact him,,but he had a secret cell i knew nothing about till discovery of his affair,,i think looking back i knew something but ignored it all cause i probably thought he would never ever do this,when it was brought to light to me it was worse than i ever imagined,,we were behind mortgage,credit cards furniture payments etc,,then the misstress harrass my home work etc,,all i could say to him when i looked at him was ,,how could you do this to us???and are family,,his responce was im sorry i made a mistake,,i said no,,you made a choice,and now your choice is hurting me and are children and everything we worked for is gone,,gone we could never get out of this kind of debt now,,,i was working at most 7 days a week,,tired like crazy and still helped him with his work and took care of every one,,i was drained tired and still managed to get threw to make everyone happy,,i would feel guilty when i went to the hair dresser,,i thought to spend it on the kids or him instead,,so i feel that aspect of him blowing are money on her ,,was a big blow to me also,,,,when i asked him if he used protection as a mature adult,,he said ?well we did not when we met,,i told him you idiot 20 years we been together,,and dont compare are marriage to your affair,,He told his missttress i had affairs on him,,that was confirmed,,it goes on and on but i think you get the point  thanks
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Avatar_f_tn
Lorraine, I DO get the point and my Heart is heavy for You.  The destruction goes very, very deep for You.  Most of us don't take the financial hit You are left with along with the personal HeartBreak.  I wish I had the power to make this go away.  It's meaningless to say that I know but I would do that for You in a heartbeat.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I think what worries me about you Lor-----  is that you seem like you really don't want to be there.  That is understandable.  Some people never get over an affair whether they had the extra complications you did or not and decide to start fresh.  You felt you couldn't leave, I guess, but it must be hard to live a lie.  I say that in all sincerity.  This must be your place to be honest about what is really going on.  

I think it is just hard because there are people that do really want to reconcile after an affair.  And it is possible to do so.  I hope that they can come here too and receive support for  that.  

Well, I'm not a super ettiquate person but cap locks for full sentences is suppose to be interpreted as yelling in the cyber world.  And as you did seem quite upset at what I had written-----  it didn't seem too out there that you were 'yelling' at me.  Sorry if I got that wrong.

Anyway, Lor, you do not know me.  We keep talking about peace----  but in earnest, that is my hope for you.  
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I would like to ask - Do You ALWAYS carry this anger in Your Heart or do You come here to vent Your anger cuz You can?

I really want to know cuz it's important.

I DO understand Your anger (I do, I do!!).  The injustices served on You would outrage anyone.  That being said, I do feel concern for Your health and well-being.  Personally I feel that acknowledged anger when we've been wronged is a normal reaction.  But PROLONGED anger can eat us alive.

Your husband did a horrible, horrible thing and the ramifications of what he did caused You even more suffering than what many here go through.  He EARNED Your anger.  But while You cannot undo what's been done, You CAN change Your future (You can, You can!!)  Your Children are grown and have made Families and Futures for themselves and maybe, just maybe it's time for You to decide to change Your future.  I can understand that may seem futile to You right now but change IS possible and it's good, very good.  To do this You have to make the conscious decision to quit holding on to the things that are holding on to You.  I repeat, You cannot burn YEARS trying to undo what can't be undone.
I say this with the utmost care and concern.
My wish is for You to find a way to feel better about Your Life.
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I come here cause when i was searching for a reason to find out why men cheat,,i stumbled on to this site ,,and i first started to talk to mami1323,,who helped me without words can say,,she was there when i needed to talk to someone,and she created this group,,and she has been my angel,,,then i met you and others and i needed strength to carry on and understand and communicate with others who expierience what i am,,you are a blessing as well,,thank you,,i think im not angry im very very hurt,,and ya you might be right i might be angry i just cannot see it that way i guess,,thats why i look for advise ,,i can not turn to family i feel nor do i whant to cause i no they have not been threw what i have so i feel they will not understand ,,,i guess i feel talking to other woman who have been or are going threw what i have might help me understand and give me some advice i really need ,,from all opinions,,i have been on this sight since it happened and im gratefull for every one and there opinions no matter what they are,,you are all good to me thank you so much
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Also,,i will tell you how my husband is since it happened,,he respects me i believe since his affair,he is a different person,,he says he loves me and he tells me he is sorry all the time just out of the blue,,he claims he would never hurt me like that ever again,,and he goes out of his whay to do even the small things for me ,,he is a changed person and says on his own,,his affair was a wake up call for him,he says if he could change it he would,,and said he realized what he was doing was wrong,,but he had to end it slowly with her cause he new how she was,,he says im a good wife and im a good person,,he claims im distance from him and no longer feels loved,,he believes i love him because of all are years together,,i told him many times i needed a trial seperation,,and he begs me not to go,,so i stay,,when we do get together in the bed room ,,i always go back to what he did and im not there with him in that room,,it sickens me and i go back to the thoughts of when it happened,,Now when he gets angry at me for something he accuses me of cheating,,he says i never appreciated his hard work,,but i also hard work with the children extra,,he throws things in my face,,and all of it is a lie ,,its like he was revenge for me,,he will say get over it ,,he calls me bone rack,,he says i better never cheat on him,,Then he will apologize to me but more damage done to me,,if he would have left ,,he would have saved me, i would of had no choice to move forward,,but i might have not had the time to see how i felt after it all blew over,,i just cant move forward i have in the cence of i Never bring it up,,i never throw it in his face,,but yet im still hurt like the first day
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I understand and appreciate everything You said in this last post.  As regards what I asked You about anger - NO I am NOT "right" -  I'm not INSISTING to call Your feelings "anger", if it's "hurt" rather than "anger" I want to be the FIRST to go down as saying I UNDERSTAND!!.  In fact I would say Hurt goes DEEPER than Anger - I simply wanted You to confirm for me what in fact You ARE feeling. Anger?  Hurt? Maybe a huge amount of Both?  Much of what I said about how Anger takes a toll though, I feel the immense Hurt can take the same toll.  
I also agree with You that it's extremely helpful to be able to talk to others who have had the same experience.  I did not have that option when I was going through this.  I could not turn to Family and I no longer had Friends.  Since my husband had hit on all my Friends I had quit seeking Friendships.  The humiliation for me was unbearable!!.  I was very, very alone in my pain and I had no one to share with.  A forum such as this would have been very helpful to me at that time.  Personally, I get the impression that most people here become impatient with those (you, me) who don't "conform" to their opinions and ideas of how one should "forgive" "forget", and "move on" in the relationship.  It's like there is little Compassion or Understanding for those who STILL have difficulty and can't quite "go/get there" YET!!  It's sorta like they say "enough, already", "let's quit with the heartache, the heartbreak and lets get on with it!!"  Like there should be some sorta time table for how long the pain should last - how long it "should" take for "recovery" - easy to say for the offender, easy to say for those who have not experienced this - but NOT SO EASY for the "victim" of the betrayal by the One Person in this World that we expected to be #ONE "till death do us part".  There IS much to be said  for those who choose to move on and stay in the Marriage (kudos to them) - BUT for those who cannot get "beyond" the betrayal - for those who cannot "accept" this - there SHOULD be more Understanding/Compassion!!  It REALLY, REALLY should not be EXPECTED that EVERYONE should accept this - and those who can't need to be able to express their Feelings as well, and should receive Understanding as well!!  These people need to talk and share also.  One should never take a superior attitude towards You or me (and others) because THEY have "attained" acceptance of what they have been dealt - because that (in reality) is what it comes down  to.  You either "accept" the injustice You've been dealt or You do not/cannot!!  In my personal opinion - "they" are "settling" and some of us cannot do that.  Doesn't mean that we are weaker in fact, maybe, just maybe, it's the stronger who cannot quite "go there".  Maybe it's the stronger who cannot SETTLE and be "ACCEPTING" of what should not be "acceptable"!!  (and most often would NOT be "acceptable" to the offenders here and most often would probably NOT be acceptable to those here who have not been THERE)....being Strong IS harder on one than it ever is to be Weak.....especially when everyone one else is saying "enough already" ,"get over it".......just saying.
P.S.
I speak as one who has been on BOTH sides of the spectrum.  I WAS the "forgiving" wife for many years.....and then I became the wife who would no longer "forgive".  Today I would say STRONGLY and FIRMLY, betrayal EVER at ANY TIME is a deal breaker!!  We are not wrong, to EXPECT, even DEMAND faithfulness from our partner and we are NOT obligated to accept it when it does occur.
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Yes i agree with you,,when it first happened i will never get out of my head what my mom ascked me?she said if you were in the room with them and saw them together in you no that moment,,,would you have left him? i said yes i would have,,,But sometimes what you do not see you only asume or you question yourself,,cause now its only what you hear what happened cause we are not there to see,,so the imagination i guess gets the best of us and we are left with are own thoughts and suspisions?and many questions??i feel very hurt and i dont and never will have the truth from him,,i know this because at the begining i had asked him questions,,and the same questions at a different time and again,,and each and every time it was a different story,,so i no i cannot believe him,,i strongly do not believe in cheating and i feel the one who does cheat should ,,seek help,talk to the spouse or leave the relationship for awhile,,,i feel i had no choices and was humiliated and  as a wife and mother ,,who spends many years building a life together,,this was extremly disrespectful in every possible way,,and then to take a financial blow,,it saddened me,,I was so so happy when we bought are home,one happy day,,i loved my home and was proud ,,to all get that taken by the bank,,without my knowledge hurt me,,By the way i no my spelling is bad,,sorry for that,,i just seem to take it so hard and i dont no how to go forward with him with these feelings,,and i never bring it up to him but he does see it in me,,its like i lost my out going personality
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Avatar_f_tn
If You Hope to Recover and move on in this Marriage, I wish that for You.

BUT - if You don't, if You can't - then that is all right too.  One doesn't just "walk away" from a 20 year marriage.  So - if You stay, it is going to take a long time to "recover" and if You leave, it is going to take a long time to make that decision also.  I repeat - One doesn't JUST walk away after 20 YEARS - one has to "work up" to it.  You are probably going to do one of 2 things - You are probably going to live and re-live this until You're SPENT, BURNT, and at that point You will be able to put it down and THAT is when You'll know if You should stay or go.
No-one here has had the RAMIFICATIONS that You've had - it's not "simply" the cheat - it's everything else as well !! You were STALKED for a YEAR!! and You had to take this woman to court to get her to leave You alone!! and You lost Your HOME!!   I can't IMAGINE the destruction of all that You have been through!!  Some situations ARE greater (even WORSE!!) than others.  A knife wound is painful  to all but some stab wounds ARE deeper than others and the deeper ones take more recovery time.  and 3 or 4 Children make the stab wounds deeper too.  and 10, 15, 20 years of marriage goes deeper too.  and it's not a SIMPLE matter of "oh, I'll just go" or "oh, I'll just stay"

I put my experience in the "worse case scenario" as well.  The CONTINUAL cheating was devastating!!  The cheating with Friends and Relatives was devastating!!  I wanted to leave him the FIRST time he cheated but I was trapped!! I was so young (17), had 2 babies BOTH less than one year old,  (my first Baby was 10 1/2 mo. old when I delivered my 2nd Baby) I had not completed high school, I did not drive, and I had no where to go except home to an alcohlic Mother who was physically abusive to me.  I fell small and insecure and unimportant and inadequate and etc., etc.  There are no words to express how deep my anguish went - YEARS and YEARS of anguish - I felt I had no choice but to stay but as I stayed I still suffered the pain of it all.  Others might have said to me "get over it or get out" but I could see no way out.  When I did leave it was an act of deperation, not a calculated decision or plan - "suddenly" I could no longer TOLERATE my situation I had to get out so I could breathe!!
I am so glad for those who have been able to resolve their pain and continue in their relationships but having said that - I question could the same people have tolerated Your situation? or mine?  Would they have "repaired" under the same circumstances?  I think not cuz Your stab wounds are MANY and they go DEEPER.  No one has walked in Your shoes.   Please don't blame YourSelf for taking it so hard -  what You've been through is bigger than the rest of us.  I have Huge Compassion for You.  
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Yes i felt trapped also,,i was older but still felt trapped,,i feel i was trapped cause even if i wanted to leave i had the kids,,and took off work for awhile,,then the registared mail came about the mortgage,,then from there ,,no funds in the bank just a bunch of nsf charges ,,Shocked i mean shocked,,as deeper i looked the car payment was 3 months behind and it was over 600 a month,,so wow,,i just droped to my knees and said oh my god,,,i have nothing ,,nothing at all,,but my pay in 2 days,,how could i leave ?were would i go,,i whent to my room and just cried for days,,and all he could say was sorry,,i made a mistake,,i looked at him and said get out,,,are you happy now??i said you like to see me this way??i told him you ruined my life and every thing i also worked for ,,all those years for nothing,,gone,,you took are home away from us,,something later i wanted are children to have,,,then the rest as you no,,i was 115 pounds at the time ,,then in a week dropped 15 and less ,,lost some of my hair,,was up all the time,,crying and whent down hill,,after awhile ,,i had so much going on i did not have much time to think,,i was just on the phone with creditors and going threw court with his misstress,,so i had alot going on aside from the affair also,,,Also i can never imagine your mom being abusive to there own child,,i mean thats wrong,,and i can imagine how those scars also could never heal,,and then your husband to repeat cheat on you,,thats devastating,,and with friends and relatives,,its not humane,,and your pain must have been terrible beyond words,,especialy as a mom friend and wife,,makes me wonder how people can do this cruel acts to another its sick and twisted,,its a shame when we and others are feeling trapped scared and emotionally damaged,,all because the people and family,,have no values as how to treat people in this life and only look for them selves,,they dont care who they hurt,,and what they have to say or do to satisfy there selfish cruel behavior,,as a mom with 5 children,,i can never imagine your mom treating you this way,,its just not right period,,,how do they live with them selves for real ,,makes me wonder how they live knowing and treating people like this
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Yes i felt trapped also,,i was older but still felt trapped,,i feel i was trapped cause even if i wanted to leave i had the kids,,and took off work for awhile,,then the registared mail came about the mortgage,,then from there ,,no funds in the bank just a bunch of nsf charges ,,Shocked i mean shocked,,as deeper i looked the car payment was 3 months behind and it was over 600 a month,,so wow,,i just droped to my knees and said oh my god,,,i have nothing ,,nothing at all,,but my pay in 2 days,,how could i leave ?were would i go,,i whent to my room and just cried for days,,and all he could say was sorry,,i made a mistake,,i looked at him and said get out,,,are you happy now??i said you like to see me this way??i told him you ruined my life and every thing i also worked for ,,all those years for nothing,,gone,,you took are home away from us,,something later i wanted are children to have,,,then the rest as you no,,i was 115 pounds at the time ,,then in a week dropped 15 and less ,,lost some of my hair,,was up all the time,,crying and whent down hill,,after awhile ,,i had so much going on i did not have much time to think,,i was just on the phone with creditors and going threw court with his misstress,,so i had alot going on aside from the affair also,,,Also i can never imagine your mom being abusive to there own child,,i mean thats wrong,,and i can imagine how those scars also could never heal,,and then your husband to repeat cheat on you,,thats devastating,,and with friends and relatives,,its not humane,,and your pain must have been terrible beyond words,,especialy as a mom friend and wife,,makes me wonder how people can do this cruel acts to another its sick and twisted,,its a shame when we and others are feeling trapped scared and emotionally damaged,,all because the people and family,,have no values as how to treat people in this life and only look for them selves,,they dont care who they hurt,,and what they have to say or do to satisfy there selfish cruel behavior,,as a mom with 5 children,,i can never imagine your mom treating you this way,,its just not right period,,,how do they live with them selves for real ,,makes me wonder how they live knowing and treating people like this
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Yes i felt trapped also,,i was older but still felt trapped,,i feel i was trapped cause even if i wanted to leave i had the kids,,and took off work for awhile,,then the registared mail came about the mortgage,,then from there ,,no funds in the bank just a bunch of nsf charges ,,Shocked i mean shocked,,as deeper i looked the car payment was 3 months behind and it was over 600 a month,,so wow,,i just droped to my knees and said oh my god,,,i have nothing ,,nothing at all,,but my pay in 2 days,,how could i leave ?were would i go,,i whent to my room and just cried for days,,and all he could say was sorry,,i made a mistake,,i looked at him and said get out,,,are you happy now??i said you like to see me this way??i told him you ruined my life and every thing i also worked for ,,all those years for nothing,,gone,,you took are home away from us,,something later i wanted are children to have,,,then the rest as you no,,i was 115 pounds at the time ,,then in a week dropped 15 and less ,,lost some of my hair,,was up all the time,,crying and whent down hill,,after awhile ,,i had so much going on i did not have much time to think,,i was just on the phone with creditors and going threw court with his misstress,,so i had alot going on aside from the affair also,,,Also i can never imagine your mom being abusive to there own child,,i mean thats wrong,,and i can imagine how those scars also could never heal,,and then your husband to repeat cheat on you,,thats devastating,,and with friends and relatives,,its not humane,,and your pain must have been terrible beyond words,,especialy as a mom friend and wife,,makes me wonder how people can do this cruel acts to another its sick and twisted,,its a shame when we and others are feeling trapped scared and emotionally damaged,,all because the people and family,,have no values as how to treat people in this life and only look for them selves,,they dont care who they hurt,,and what they have to say or do to satisfy there selfish cruel behavior,,as a mom with 5 children,,i can never imagine your mom treating you this way,,its just not right period,,,how do they live with them selves for real ,,makes me wonder how they live knowing and treating people like this
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Yes i felt trapped also,,i was older but still felt trapped,,i feel i was trapped cause even if i wanted to leave i had the kids,,and took off work for awhile,,then the registared mail came about the mortgage,,then from there ,,no funds in the bank just a bunch of nsf charges ,,Shocked i mean shocked,,as deeper i looked the car payment was 3 months behind and it was over 600 a month,,so wow,,i just droped to my knees and said oh my god,,,i have nothing ,,nothing at all,,but my pay in 2 days,,how could i leave ?were would i go,,i whent to my room and just cried for days,,and all he could say was sorry,,i made a mistake,,i looked at him and said get out,,,are you happy now??i said you like to see me this way??i told him you ruined my life and every thing i also worked for ,,all those years for nothing,,gone,,you took are home away from us,,something later i wanted are children to have,,,then the rest as you no,,i was 115 pounds at the time ,,then in a week dropped 15 and less ,,lost some of my hair,,was up all the time,,crying and whent down hill,,after awhile ,,i had so much going on i did not have much time to think,,i was just on the phone with creditors and going threw court with his misstress,,so i had alot going on aside from the affair also,,,Also i can never imagine your mom being abusive to there own child,,i mean thats wrong,,and i can imagine how those scars also could never heal,,and then your husband to repeat cheat on you,,thats devastating,,and with friends and relatives,,its not humane,,and your pain must have been terrible beyond words,,especialy as a mom friend and wife,,makes me wonder how people can do this cruel acts to another its sick and twisted,,its a shame when we and others are feeling trapped scared and emotionally damaged,,all because the people and family,,have no values as how to treat people in this life and only look for them selves,,they dont care who they hurt,,and what they have to say or do to satisfy there selfish cruel behavior,,as a mom with 5 children,,i can never imagine your mom treating you this way,,its just not right period,,,how do they live with them selves for real ,,makes me wonder how they live knowing and treating people like this
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Yes i felt trapped also,,i was older but still felt trapped,,i feel i was trapped cause even if i wanted to leave i had the kids,,and took off work for awhile,,then the registared mail came about the mortgage,,then from there ,,no funds in the bank just a bunch of nsf charges ,,Shocked i mean shocked,,as deeper i looked the car payment was 3 months behind and it was over 600 a month,,so wow,,i just droped to my knees and said oh my god,,,i have nothing ,,nothing at all,,but my pay in 2 days,,how could i leave ?were would i go,,i whent to my room and just cried for days,,and all he could say was sorry,,i made a mistake,,i looked at him and said get out,,,are you happy now??i said you like to see me this way??i told him you ruined my life and every thing i also worked for ,,all those years for nothing,,gone,,you took are home away from us,,something later i wanted are children to have,,,then the rest as you no,,i was 115 pounds at the time ,,then in a week dropped 15 and less ,,lost some of my hair,,was up all the time,,crying and whent down hill,,after awhile ,,i had so much going on i did not have much time to think,,i was just on the phone with creditors and going threw court with his misstress,,so i had alot going on aside from the affair also,,,Also i can never imagine your mom being abusive to there own child,,i mean thats wrong,,and i can imagine how those scars also could never heal,,and then your husband to repeat cheat on you,,thats devastating,,and with friends and relatives,,its not humane,,and your pain must have been terrible beyond words,,especialy as a mom friend and wife,,makes me wonder how people can do this cruel acts to another its sick and twisted,,its a shame when we and others are feeling trapped scared and emotionally damaged,,all because the people and family,,have no values as how to treat people in this life and only look for them selves,,they dont care who they hurt,,and what they have to say or do to satisfy there selfish cruel behavior,,as a mom with 5 children,,i can never imagine your mom treating you this way,,its just not right period,,,how do they live with them selves for real ,,makes me wonder how they live knowing and treating people like this
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WHY DID IT GO ON THE SAME THING???????????????Sorry everyone my computer was loading and it must of did this my apology
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lor, do You have Children left at home?
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Yes i have a 15 year old daughter,and she is in grade 10,,but i never argue or discuss anything in front of her ever,,
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I wasn't concerned that You would bring emotional harm to Your Children regarding his affair - Your husband gets credit for that since Your Children learned of his indescretion in such a horrible way.  I simply wondered if You still had Children at Home.  The only thing I would worry about Your 15 year old Daughter is I would hope She isn't learning what a Woman should "expect" or "accept" in a Marriage if She found HerSelf to be unhappy in Her own Marriage.

My goal for my Daughter was that She have a Career so that if Her Marriage did go bad She would have more choices than I did.  Today, She is a Nurse and Her salary is 3x's that of Her Husband.  If Her Marriage failed She has the means to leave if She were to feel a need to do so.  She has the means to support Her 3 Daughters.  Truth is She's not real  happy in Her marriage BUT She doesn't feel "trapped" and that's good enough for me!  AND I'm grateful that Their issues are not about unfaithfulness!!)
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I want so much to comment on this thread, but I know it will be taken the wrong way.  It usually does because of all of the emotions involved with this ultra sensitive subject.

What I cannot wrap my head around is the fact of staying in something that "hurts" so much.  To me, and just me.... and I know I cannot put logic into the illogical aspects of the subject.... it seems to counterproductive to stay in something that hurts so much.

I've heard both men and women who've been cheated on tell of how much pain they constantly go through because of this, and that they do not have the ability to forgive, but yet they allow the person who caused them so much pain be right there in front of them for years to come.... sometimes forever.  Personally, that would be like reliving the affair every single day.  (Although the affair is over, not being able to forgive allows this person/reason to be right there on a constant basis.)

I really really fell the pain especially regarding lor663.  I believe I saw above that you wanted a separation, but he would not comply.  At this point, why does his concerns regarding a separation even matter?  We are talking about your mental health and sanity, not his.  Respectfully.... to me it seems as if you are both on completely different wave lengths at all times.  It seems as if you are putting his concerns ahead of yours, in lieu of your health and sanity.

Granted, a separation or divorce will not make the pain go away, but it sure as hell won't go away with the constant reminder standing in front of you every day.  Not being able to acknowledge change is standing in the way of progress, and it can be because you are too hurt.  And if that is the case, why stay in the marriage?

There is so much help out there.... so, so, much help.  I know you can find yourself again, but not if you constantly have that reminder in front of you.  I think you need to realize that you do have a choice in this matter right now!  You can stay and work on it, but only if you want to.  Doing that takes a giant amount of work on your behalf as well.  And no, it isn't fair... you didn't ask for this, but if you stay you are asking to stay.

I wish I could offer something, just anything to make this make sense.  For me, anything that has been a constant reminder of hurt is something that I tried to get away from.  I think it is that distance that allows us to heal sometimes.  Not heal as in coming back into the marriage, if that is not your desire... but to heal as to find yourself again and move on.  The affair will always be there on some level, but there is a getting past it.  Perhaps it will take removing the constant reminder, your husband from being in your face all of the time.

I wish you peace, and I hope to gain a better understanding of why you stay through your misery.  That cannot be a healthier alternative than moving on at this point.  
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Its not taken taken the wrong way,at all,,I think everyone who goes threw infidelity i dont believe truly forgives,,if they did ,,the subject would be a closed forever,and would never be brought up again,,sure you will never ever forget,,but trust issues i feel  some its there ,i feel in some form i have forgiven in the fact that i do not bring the subject up to him ,,i do not have trust issues with him and i moved on in that sence,,but i still am deeply hurt inside,,and i guess thats the not forgetting part,,i treat my husband with respect even after everything,,im the same person to him i was befor Only i have changed the way i look at him feel about him,,And ya everything he has done to our family,I dont want to ever treat someone the way he treat me,,i believe throwing it or brining the subject up would be a waste of time and the answers i might need or resolve would not be accomplished,,maybe thats why i suffer in silence cause i deal with this myself,,But i do no alot of men and woman cheat,,but i think when you get harrassed and go bancruft far exceeds this affair,,thanks
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Yes i agree,,problem was i thought i had the means to leave,,but when the affair was discovered,,that was all gone ,,basicaly stay in the house and survive till they came and took it all,,then my husband rented us a place that was nothing like home nothing ,,i was shocked that after working so hard that the man i spent many years with could do this,,i worked just as hard for are things as he did,,if he wanted to go be with her we could of seperated and put the house up for sale,,i would of happily split it all half and half,,so it all whent together ,,and im glad you have this value of thinking for your daughter,,you are a great mom
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Thanks for replying and also not taking what I asked/said the wrong way.  I do believe that your circumstance is truly different from most.  Trying to grasp the idea that your husband did indeed "lose" everything because of this is really hard to hear, and I am real sure it is real hard to deal with.  

I think you are riding on a weird, think, wavy line with handling this.  I do understand those emotions.  On a different level, I used to be able to hold on to grudges like nobody else.  I had a photographic memory of everyone who did me any harm (and sometimes no real harm was done, but I used to take everything as a personal attack) and all of the circumstances revolving around anything/anyone who pissed me off.  After I committed adultery, so many things came clear to me.  First and foremost were all of MY problems that I did not ever address, and holding grudges was at the top of the list.

I went and saw a psychic.  (Actually she calls herself an "intuitive".  I never believed in this stuff, but along with all of the therapy I was going to go through to address my issues, I thought 1 more insight might be of value.)  This woman did a "reading" and I was amazed.... she nailed so many things right on.  She wasn't speaking in random, blanket statements, like..."someone in your family had blue eyes", but was nailing down specifics.  Exact facts.... it amazed me.

She knew of the infidelity because my wife had gone, but she knew nothing of me personally.  She explained what she did and how she went about it, and the reading began.  The first thing she told me was, "You hold a lot of grudges.... you are also very hard on yourself."  She went on to say that "you're grudges help breed more discontent for yourself."  She went on and basically pointed out the 2 major grudges I was holding at the time, and more or less named everyone I was holding accountable for them.... it was too real and too weird.

She leaned forward, put a hand on my knee and grabbed my left hand in her right hand.  She said, "you don't know how to let go of grudges, but I am going to help you get rid of all grudges."  She did some weird witchcraft thing (that I never would have believed in a million years) and said, "it's time to let go of those grudges".  She instructed me to take a deep breath, think about the grudges, exhale, and those grudges would go away.  I did as instructed, and I could literally feel those grudges leave my body... like a ton of weight being removed from my chest.  She also told me that I had to forgive the 2 major people involved, which was effortless at that point.

I said all of that to get to this.  Sorry it took all of that to get here.  I've not forgotten what happened and how it "screwed me over".  I can't forget it.  But I all of a sudden saw it all in a different light.  I saw the selfishness on the other peoples behalf and realized that I had very, very little control over what happened.  No control in fact, other than control over myself and how I thought of it.

I'll still hold those accountable, but I no longer have to do it with anger.  I no longer even have the need to voice my opinion regarding the situation.  I got past that with the "voodoo lady", as I call her.  I think you can get there too.  I think there is a protective mechanism that is keeping this closer to the front of your brain/memory than the back of it.  (It's a primal instinct, is what I learned in therapy sessions)

Do you have hobbies or things you like to do?  Maybe you can immerse yourself in those things, or start something new.  I do think this forum is a great place for venting and getting crap off of your mind, and I cannot tell you how valuable this site has been for my wife and myself.

I wish you deeper peace.  I know you can get there, and I know you don't necessarily want this to run your life.  It will always be a part, but it can play a smaller part.
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I Do not believe i am angry,,i feel more hurt than anything,,i am always glad when a couple can move forward after infidelity,,its unfortunate when some cannot ,,i appreciate your advise also,,and happy you and your wife are moveing forward,,i jst think in some cases its harder to get there than others
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Again, thanks for the nice words lor.  What I am trying to get at with the "deeper peace" thing is... perhaps you are just hurt rather than mad.  But either way, having it constantly at the forefront of every day has to be murderous.

In my opinion, all of the emotions revolving around this are interchangeable.  Complete opposites tie into another emotion.  You say you're hurt, but that hurt causes you pain... and rightfully so.  (It is so evident in all that you write.)  You're not fine, because you're hurt.  You're not "happy" or "sad", but do seem to lie somewhere in the middle.  And it is that spot that is the loneliest......

The relationship with your husband is, as is.  I'd really like to see you snatch on to something outside of the home... a killer hobby, something fun that you and your child enjoy, a book club, knitting.... hell, I don't know.  I just really feel that at this juncture, it would be far from out of line to consider you and your daughter first, and do it for a long damned time, too.  There has to be something out there that piques your interest.  I'd say immerse yourself fully into it.  It can be low cost or no cost, just something away from him for an hour or two a day.... just you or you and your daughter doing anything. (Hell, putting sandwiches together at a homeless shelter might be a thing to consider... I don't know.)

I am not saying this to make it seem that you aren't trying to do this... not even close.  Perhaps I am urging you to pursue any idea or notion that comes down the line, but do it for you!  

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Thanks,,and i do hair part time,,,and do allot of activities with my daughter and grandchildren,,,he works and we are not together all the time,,Funny thing is he calls me and says i miss you i love you,,I say i gotta go,,he looks forward to come home ,,i do not,,but it helps ,,two incomes is better than a single persons income,,in reality...i always tell him Never stay with me ever ,,if your not happy,,he said,,i love you and i will spend the rest of my life makeing it up to you,,I told him i have never made promices to you and you no how i feel,,,its really complicated  
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This makes me so sad Lor.  It seems like you are completely indifferent to him.  I bet he really does regret what he did and I do believe him when he says these things to you.  It must be painful for the both of you.  He wants his wife back, he knows he screwed up and is taking the punches, and you are still feeling the pain from what he did and can't enjoy the love he's trying to give you now.  At any point do you think you could possibly open yourself up to loving him again?  Not just for him but for yourself as well.  I mean how great would it feel to enjoy your life with him again?  I just can't imagine being so numb.  I feel like it would hurt me just as much.  
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It's like it's on You now, lor, to conform to the sh!t that has been handed down to You without Your consent, let alone, Your permission!!  You don't have to like it but You d@mn well ought to find a way to go with it!!  (Sarcasm intended!!)
It's like NOW it's on YOU whether the Marriage survives or not!! (Sarcasm intended, again!!)  Like, as if the Marriage fails NOW, it's gonna  be cuz You didn't find a way to deal with it - NOT because Your Husband cheated!!  The cheat is no longer important here - it now comes down to whether You take it or don't!!  (more sarcasm)  (You're "expected" to treasure this marriage more than He did!!)

You know what?  I can't help but notice that We walk away from Other People who cause us pain - but not if it's our Husband!!??  - because He's the Husband He's "entitled" to cause Us this kind of pain?? (sarcasm).  The ONE person we ought to trust to TREASURE us, not HURT us!!  Others (other woman) who have NO obligation to us are to be hated, to be ostrasized, - let's blame THEM - let's direct MOST of Our hate and blame to HER??  What the H*ll kind of sense does THAT make??!!  Answer:  not very much!!  SHE - that Other Woman had NO obligation to US - BUT!!  We thought, we really thought, that HE did!!  Why??  Are we SO ready to be SO angry at her but willing to let Him off the hook??  Answer:  It's what one does to "tolerate" to "save" the relationship that HE did not TREASURE the same way You do!!

(if we are going to let Him off the hook we really shouldn't be SO mad at her! ! - She WAS NOT obligated to Us - HE was!!)  I have a poor opinion also of women who cheat with married men BUT, SHE is NOT worse than HE!!  One is gonna hate her forever but "forgive" him!!??  I SIMPLY DO NOT GET THAT!!  IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE MAD AT HIM ANYMORE YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAD AT HER ANYMORE EITHER!!  IF YOU CAN "LET IT GO" WITH HIM, HOW COME YOU CAN'T LET IT GO WITH HER??  I am so sincere, here - I really, REALLY, don't get that!!

I'm afraid many of us think having a bad relationship is better than being alone. And if He cheats on You it IS a bad relationship in the sense that it is NOT what You thought it was.  I say:  If He HURTS You He PROBABLY isn't good for You.

All that being said - Kudos to those who "get there" - Kudos to those who keep the relationship BUT it's okay, it's REALLY, REALLY!! okay if some are not able to reason and excuse what has been done.  It IS INexcusable, it IS UNreasonable and it's okay, lor, if You can't put this "aside".  It isn't YOUR character that is at issue here - it's the realization of HIS character that is giving You such difficulty.  

If You cannot do that lor, I want to go down as saying - it does not mean You are weaker - in fact, it just might mean You are Stronger - Strong enough not to accept the silly a$$ "excuses", "reasons", that get handed out in times such as these.  You don't have to compromise Your Ideals and Expectations - not if You don't Want to - not if You are Unable to do so.

It's okay, lor, it's REALLY, REALLY okay if You cannot go there!!  

BUT if You do, I'm still in Your Corner!!
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You know what Tink, every time I make a comment to Lor you seem to throw your jabs at what I say.  Then when I confront you, you say "oh no I did not mean it that way".  I'm done with this thread. Let's not forget I created this group to help people heal.  I've tried my hardest to give the best advice I can so that the victim of infidelity can find some peace of mind.  Whether it be stay or if they choose to leave.  Stop knocking women who stay and making it sound like they are weaker or tolerant of bad treatment because they have chose to make their family work.  That's completely unfair because in all honesty, a lot do choose to stay and your comments make them feel like they have bent over and taken it in the a$$.  Not everyone's relationship is over because of it and frankly I feel very empowered by my choices.  I didn't just play the victim here, I actually chose not to be a victim.  Just because he did what he did, I didn't sit and go oh woe is me, I decided if my choices were to stay I am going to be happy no matter what.  I took the power back and made myself happy.  WITH HIM!!!  If I wind up in the same situation with him again somewhere down the road, I still wouldn't regret giving my family a chance.  Yes, that's my situation and I'm not saying Lor's situation is like mine.  I'm not comparing anyone's situation to anyone because we all have our individual experiences.  But I've tried my hardest to give advice so that Lor is happy.  Each and every turn I get smashed down by your condescending remarks.  So you're free to go back and forth with eachother.  I'm finished here.
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Mami, I  am not jabbing You.  I wasn't speaking to You.  I've been on this thread ever so long now communicating with lor.  I've probably been on this thread 10 x's and the other thread She has going here probably just as many times.  My words have been directed to HER and HER situation, not to You. You are taking things I've said as a personal affront to You - not intended at all!!  I  have never said "Mami is weak because She decided to work through  Her relationship" - in fact I think it takes a strong Woman to stay as well!!  I've done both - I stayed for a very long time and then I left and, believe me - I know One has to be Very, Very strong either way!!  I'm simply telling Lor it doesn't mean She is weak if She can't accept it.  Shouldn't She feel strong too??  I have not been here to smash You - I have been here communicating with Lor.  I AM NOT throwing jabs at You - I AM SPEAKING TO LOR.  If You have read everything I have said here You will also see that I'm always glad for Those who are able to resolve this.  You will see that I've commented that I'm glad for Those who have mended their relationship and I mean that from the bottom of my Heart!!  BUT not Everyone can do that and those who CAN'T need affirmation for their position and feelings  as well.   Lor doesn't need to feel She has failed or is wrong if She can't achieve what You and others have achieved.  My words have been intended to confirm Her feelings - NOT to offend You.  I really feel that no one is wrong here - that Everyone is right - that Everyone has the right to feel whatever They feel.  YOU HAVE EXCELLENT ADVICE FOR PEOPLE!!  And I appreciate what You say and the way You express it.  I do feel my situation and Lors too differ from many here and THAT is what I've spoken to.  And even when a Marriage does not survive, the betrayed Person still has much healing to do and doesn't need to feel They are to blame if the Marriage fails after an infidelity.  It's truely not only Those who stay who need Healing and Comfort and Communication.  Lor doesn't need to feel that She is weak or that She has failed if Her marriage does not survive.  When I say to Lor that She's strong that doesn't mean I'm judging You or anyone else as weak - simply affirming  to Lor that She is entitled to feel what She feels.  I think You are entitled too, as well as each and every one here.   My support of Lor's feelings has NEVER been to "smash" or "condescend" You or AnyOne!!   You shouldn't be offended by anything I've said to Lor as it was meant to address Her personally and not meant as judgement on anyone who has chosen a different path.  I mean that, sincerely.
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm not ever going to say its funny that anyone would compare their case of infidelity being worse than another.  That in and of itself is ridiculous.  The difference in all relationships marrred by infidelity is that "we", ourselves are in those other cases.  

Anyone saying their case is worse than another is just a bad starting point.  Better than that, it does nothing to help one move past, through, over or around this.  It adds even more negativity to the most negative thing that can happen in a marriage.

All of you ladies have had marriages marred by infidelity.... every single one of you.  You are the same in that respect.  How can any differentiate the difference between cases of infidelity?  You are not any of the other women involved.  Regardless of what anyone says in this thread/board, you've got no real impression of what that other person is going through.  There are many similarities regarding infidelity.  But there are many differences.  Nobody gets an award for having the "most damaging" case of infidelity, so why compare?

Comparing is lessening other peoples grief, or is easily perceived as such.  I can tell you that what my wife has gone through and continues to go through is as bad as any here.  There is no lessening that.... there is no lessening anyones case, and there really should be any agrandizing anyones case either.  It breeds more negativity, it breeds more self doubt.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I sorta feel You also have misunderstand a little what I mean.  I do NOT feel, that infidelity "per se" is worse or harder for some than others.   I know that Infidelity hurts everyone the same way and in the same place.  What I have intended is that the "ramifications" can differ from situation to situation.  My situation was different in the sense that my husband cheated many times, with family and friends who I still have to relate to today,  Also, that I was only 17 with 2 babies and felt "helpless" for many years to change a situation of cheating and betrayal that never stopped - this is "different" than many - there were many more issues "besides" the infidelity that were also devastating, even abusive, and it lasted a very long time for me.  I did not have the support or the "tools" to work through these issues that is available to You all today.  I'm grateful that this exists for You and I'm HUGELY impressed of the work and the progress that You AND DeeDee AND Mami have made - but it was not the same for me.  Lor has/had many "extreme" issues to contend with BESIDES the infidelity also - MORE and OTHER losses.  Most of us here have not taken the financial hit, the loss of our homes, our car, etc.  These things are "extra" and are ALSO devastating and PROBABLY serve to feed the anger.  It's even MORE than the infidelity that one is having to try to work their way through.  I do not compare the grief that comes to ALL regarding the INFIDELITY - but the emotional hit that ALSO occurs when it continues and/or when You lose Major, Material things You have worked all Your Life for.  Please, understand that difference.  It gives one MORE things to work through and the anger is a normal, natural phase too and it needs to be validated, understood.   And, sometimes, people don't make it through that and when that does happen, that's okay too.  
When I understand or agree with Lor's "extra" losses, or when I speak of my "extra" losses, it by NO MEANS means that I don't think everyone else has not suffered the SAME grief that comes when one feels betrayed by infidelity.  For some it's not "only" the infidelity - it's OTHER losses as well that resulted from the infidelity(infidelitIES) -  and the losses are everyday present and everday on-going even if/when the infidelity stops.
  
I haven't meant to offend You, either.
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Avatar_m_tn
Oh no, I'm not offended.  I am just trying to figure out the usefulness of comparing one's case to another.  I just feel that when you do that, you inadvertently demean anyone else whose been through the same thing.

Everyone here has had their lives and marriages devastated and or destroyed by infidelity.  By saying one is worse than another means that someone else situation should be somewhat better, and I just don't get that.

Not that I've heard a lot of stories about rape, and I am not comparing rape to infidelity, but I've never heard rape survivors comparing rapes.  Do people even do that?  Is one rape lesser than another, and would that make it easier to overcome?

It just seems to me that the intention of this thread is to help people over come this.  By constant comparison, I feel as if a few things are happening.  You are keeping the situation right at hand instead of allowing distance and healing or promoting distance and healing.  I think by comparing, you are saying "go ahead and feel miserable.  Yours was worse than anyone else and you are entitled to feel as bad as you want for as long as you want."  That just seems so counter productive on so many levels.

Comparisons aside, I was under the impression that this site was about helping, and comparisons aren't help.  I was sure that the site was about getting through, and comparisons do not get one through.  Comparisons keep everyone's infidelity in constant judging.  For the life of me, I'll never be able to get how that is helpful.
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Avatar_m_tn
Furthermore, things are different today.  You and everyone live in today, so take what is available and use it to your benefit.  Nobody's infidelity should be compared.  Situations varied, the aftermath varies too.  Everyone can strive for better, rather than dwelling.  And I think that the comparison, "yours was worse" is almost giving someone a license to dwell instead of compelling them to move beyond.

I am not saying I think the hurt should be gone, nor ignored.  I am saying that there is more to life than this, and if you still have a heart beat and brain waves, you can move a bit past this with time.  It does not need to be the precursor of all thoughts on all days.

I'm not going to tell anyone that the crap that happened to me in my younger years is worse than anyone elses.  I'm not them, they are not me.  Until that can happen, one cannot fairly judge which is worse or better, and even then there is no use.

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I'm going to ask a question and am not sure how it will be received.  I'm wondering if Lor, if you have seen a doctor recently.  I wonder if you do suffer depression/anxiety.  

Part of the reason I ask that is that you have written many times here that your husband is a changed man.  He is loving and kind to you now. You are unable to move past what has happened to accept this.  What is holding you back?  Hurt, anger and pain.  But also, if we are depressed, we lose some of our ability to move past it.  

I also have a suggestion.  Your hopelessness and feeling of being trapped also concerns me.  You are not trapped. You have only one child at home and this is a teenager.  You could certainly do hair full time and improve your skills to make a decent living of your own.  You could train to do another job if you felt like something else would be better for you.  I always want to empower women to work on putting themselves in a position to care for themselves financially if need be.  I understand there is a burn of emotion regarding finances for you due to past events/crimes your husband committed but urge you to move past that think of the present and what you can do now instead.  

I do readily and hardily believe that we must take responsibility in our lives.  I think this is what mami was talking about-----------  if we choose to stay, we must work hard to make it work.  That is on us.  Whether our husband was a creep or not, choosing to stay brings responsibility to try to recover and move past the infidelity.  In that regard, I do think it is on Lor to make this effort.  We are but strangers here and hopefully---- even you will hope this for her--------  this is just the one place she vents these feelings.  If she is living her life this way, it would be no life for her, her kids or her husband.  She would be living a lie.

Mami gets the kudos of coming back after an affair to love her man again.  She's kept her family together.  And is sincere about it.  That is my wish for ANY woman that has chosen to stay with an adulterous husband.  

We all suffer hurt, anger and pain through infidelity.  Situations can be different but the pain is always the same.  People do recover.  I hope Lor can.  Peace to all.
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Avatar_f_tn
I do not have depression/anxiety.,,lol Im great aside from these issues i have with my husband,,at first when it happened,,more so,,I guess infidelity really hurts every one in there own way,,and every one deals with it differently,,Every woman wonders ??why??at first,,and i was one,,Its just my opinion that even for some,,without infidelity in a marriage some people stay together for many reasons,,either children finances,,or ??and some who have to endure infidelity go threw there own thoughts and emotions ,,with some help expressing themself on there thoughts on this sight,,A lot of woman on here still suffer with either trust issues or different issues after infidelity,,and some do not,,some move forward and some have a harder time doing so,,Also i agree and appreciate you comments,,I do not want to give the wrong impression here,,I do treat my husband with kindness and i do not throw things in his face at all ,,i do not argue with him,,i complement him and thank him for the even smallest things he does ,,i do not have trust issues with him nor do i ever question him were he goes,,But at the same time life does go on for me,,and i guess after all i whent threw with the loss of my home and haveing to deal with the courts and his disrespect for me ,,is just something i have a hard time to let go,,thanks
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Avatar_m_tn
I get what you're saying about having a hard time letting go.  Let me ask you this.... in a percentage, how much of your time do you spend thinking about it all?  

Also, about sticking together for other reasons.  I'm not going to knock anyone for whatever their reasons are, but I had some friends whose parents divorced when the youngest turned 18.  Blew the whole family out of the water.  The family thought all was well, even through all of the dysfunction regarding the parents.  They just kind of though that was what happened in a family.

My buddy adopted so much of his fathers dysfunction when he got married.  Treated his wife like she was under him, talked down to her.... after about 6 years and 2 kids, she filed on him.  He had no clue, and now I've heard that the guy is completely lost.

It's just sad when the "whole package" isn't all there and people try to wade through it.
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Avatar_f_tn
Ya true,,but that is what i think about one partner who has an affair,,We have no clue also,,and we are completely lost also,,The people who have affairs are at some point not happy,,or complete in there relationship or for some other reason?so they do exactley that
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree, lor.  I think "something" is amiss in the Person who has the affair, but, none the less, We blame OurSelves in some way:  "if I had done this.... if I hadn't done that..."  
We always think if We had been "better somehow", it wouldn't have happened.  And no amount of reassurance that it isn't so, comforts Us.  

We have two ways of thinking:  

Intellectually and Emotionally - and often they are at odds with one another.  I used to be very confused about how I could have TWO opposing thoughts at the same time - took me years to figure out that Intellect and Emotion CAN and often DOES conflict.

Happy ThanksGiving EveryOne
See You when it's over

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Avatar_f_tn
I always felt infidelity ,,reflects a person  character,,and values,,Now this is just my feeling,,If a person truley loves you,They would not cheat?They would not want to hurt you or risk loseing you,,I believe just me again,,if a partner is willing to take the risk?then we really cannot be that important to them to do it,,,,,,,,,,,,,It takes allot of secret planning,,  and allot of lies allot,,,if your with your partner we all deserve better respect,,We all have the right to make choices,,are own choices,,When infidelity occurs ,,we have not been able to have a choice,,are partners sleep with the woman and us,,some useing no protection,,Are choice???no we had no choice ,,we were lied to and decieved,,no marriage or relationship is perfect,,no one is perfect,,But respect is something we should all give to one another,,selfish people make selfish Choices
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