Infidelity User Group
Recovery after Betrayal
About This Group:

For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.

Founded by mami1323 on October 7, 2009
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Recovery after Betrayal

Seems like this group hasn't had any activity in a couple of years, but I thought I'd take a chance and post.  

Long story, but I'm a betrayed wife with 7 children ages 20 down to 8.  I can no longer afford a therapist.  I am in need of practical how to steps to find myself, and my self-confidence.  I need to pick up the broken pieces and get them out of the way so I don't step on them any longer, feeling more pain.  

Sometimes he seems to be working on our marriage, other times he poops all over it with comments like, "We're all like a bunch of roommates, we're not a family".  There is the possibility that he was in one of his foul moods because he'd rather be somewhere else AGAIN.  My 13 and on up kids have an idea of what's going on and my 13 year old asked me to protect the innocence of her younger brother (11) and sister (8)...basically asking me not to leave.  My older girls have seen me trying to keep composed, though I feel like I'm holding back the waters behind the damn, tears well up in my eyes and they seem to know my difficult delicate situation.

The weight that I had taken 2-1/2 years to lose came back in 1.  Ugh!  

Guess I'm looking for a road map, step-by-step list, as to how to mend myself, gain confidence, and do what I need to do.
2 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
Oh my gosh.  I am so sorry about your situation.  I have witnessed everything you are going through and it leaves me feeling sick.  I am not for sure how to go about this, but I will give you the best advice I can muster.

I put my beautiful, wonderful wife through this very same thing.  I watched her agonize, struggle to find solid ground.  I watched her try to wade through the ultimate betrayal and I caused it.  

We began seeing therapists real fast because we decided that we were worth fighting for.  We were seeing a therapist together and each one of us was seeing a therapist on our own.  It was expensive but our marriage was worth it to both of us.

To repair a marriage after an affair is the hardest thing in the world.  Everything that a relationship is made of has been completely destroyed and there is no quick fire way to rebuild it.  Trust is shattered, and what is a relationship without trust?  It could take years, many years to build that trust back up... or, it may not be possible.

From my perspective (your husbands as well), I had to completely come clean to every detail about the affair and it was hard to do.  I watched what it did to my wife and I wasn't sure she could take it... I should have spilled the beans all at once but I didn't and that added to the agony.  As well, I had to be a complete open book.  I gave my wife permission to check my phone, gave her all of my passwords etc so she could check up on me and see that I was flying right.

I had to answer the same questions, time after time and I had to do my best not to lose my temper over it.  I had to stick in there and prove to my wife that I could be her support system again.  I had to let her be mad, I had to let her cry and I needed to let her remind me of the pain I had caused....  I had to earn back her respect.  I had to earn back everything that a relationship is made of and it was a hell of a lot of hard work.

I needed to show her that I was committed to us.  And by that I mean that I had to do everything the therapists said I had to.  I needed to do all of the work to win her back understanding that she held the cards now.  She could call this all off at any time regardless of how I felt or how much work I had put in.

A lot of men who did what I did, don't have the energy or the where with all to stick to this and do all of this work.  I'd suggest that your husband has some issues that he needs to get squared away and that is probably something couples therapy wouldn't address.  It takes completely exposing himself, looking like an a$$-hole (excuse the expression) and getting humbled and a lot of men won't do that to themselves.

For me, it was easy because I really wanted my marriage.  I didn't care who I had to tell my story too and I didn't care how big the fight was.  I wanted my family and I wanted my wife by my side for the rest of my life.  Fortunately enough, she wanted that too.

I'd suggest that you still try to see a therapist.  You've got wounds that need healing.  I think it would be more than fair for you to ask your husband if he is really in this, if he still wants the marriage.  If he does, he HAS to do the work necessary and it may take years.  And for you?  You may not have forgiveness or the ability to forgive (I understand it, totally) and without that, you're going no where.  

My wife and I are 4 or so years down the road now.  I can tell you that she still thinks about it very often.  Not every day, 100 times a day like she used too, but it still crosses her mind.  Its simply not easy to let go of that betrayal.  I make sure I tell my wife I love her at the very least 10 times a day.  I do some special things for her, so she knows that I am thinking of her all of the time, like making sure we have HER favorite cream in the fridge for her coffee.  I've taken on doing some of the household chores to lighten her load.  

There is so much work, just thinking about your situation makes me anxious.  It's like a tornado, trying to sort through the rubble of a marriage after an affair.  Its not easy.  It can't be easy.

I swore that I would do all I could to help people after we got through this and I depended on a lot of people here, even though I was the offender.  I needed to hear from the offended what was necessary.  

So, if there is anything I can do to help you, you can get a hold of me here.

I wish you peace.



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Avatar_f_tn
Hello I just read your heartfelt comment to this lady now and wanted to reach out to you. Your efforts as a betrayer are honourable and very similar I think to my husbands. If I could, I'd like to ask you a personal question would love to hear your perspective.

2 years ago I found out about my husbands affair with my best girl friend. We were very close couples socially, and my girlfriend and I were best friends for over 11 years. We shared everything, raised our kids together - shared every detail of our lives. I'm still reeling from how she could do this to me and my family. The affair was 8 months. Under my nose and I missed it.

The past 2 years have been a whirlwind but we truly are closer, more in love and committed to our family. The first year after the affair was hard - we did so much work on the marriage -  but it felt so good to be back in love with each other in a deeper way. Through lots of counselling we learned to look at why it all happened and how to make a better life together. Sex that first year was phenomenal. The last year it has been great but not as intense. Now things are changing. And I need help.

My husband says he likes to pleasure me and is very flirtatious via sexting about it but rarely actually does it. Today he left for a golf trip for 5 days and I initiated sex but he couldn't hold an erection. My feelings were terribly hurt and I felt that old insecurity coming back. In my mind, if he couldn't get hard enough for sex, why didn't he try to at the very least pleasure me so that I could be satisfied for the next 5 days? I went down on him, he got an erection, then went to close the door to the bedroom (kids) and came back with a flat tire. I probably didn't handle it well as I started crying and feeling very sorry for myself. But as you probably know more than anyone - a betrayed wife has a lot of baggage in and out of the bedroom and its hard to have a clear head about malfunctions. All I could think of is - he probably was always hard for her - and he probably always went down on her. He gave me lots of love, affection, I'm sorry, I love you, etc. But I wasn't absorbing it. Then he left for his flight.

Can you offer me any insight? He has never had any communication with his mistress since the day the affair was revealed. He has assured me countless times she is not in his thoughts, his dreams, his mind whatsoever. He doesn't like to think about the affair any longer - it is something he's deeply ashamed of. He's never failed to reassure me and he's always very patient just like you.

BUT. She had the body of a model and fake boobs. I find it very hard to get over this. Its always in my head in the bedroom. Can you tell me do you have flashbacks? Have you ever been impotent and was it because of a passing thought you had of your affair person? Is this something you could even verbalize to your wife without hurting her deeply? Can you ever really lose the other person from your mind?

Ive read a lot of ED stuff and stress, etc. He uses the stress card. And I'm not afraid to admit that he doesn't seem too embarrassed about going soft. And not really overly apologetic. I know I'm supposed to be more loving and comforting but because of the affair its impossible. If he can't engage in sex from time to time, why isn't he engaging me in other ways?

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