For those who have been a victim of an affair and are trying to get their life back on track. This group can discuss the feelings and emotions behind it and also support those who are trying to recovery from it.
Seems like this group hasn't had any activity in a couple of years, but I thought I'd take a chance and post.
Long story, but I'm a betrayed wife with 7 children ages 20 down to 8. I can no longer afford a therapist. I am in need of practical how to steps to find myself, and my self-confidence. I need to pick up the broken pieces and get them out of the way so I don't step on them any longer, feeling more pain.
Sometimes he seems to be working on our marriage, other times he poops all over it with comments like, "We're all like a bunch of roommates, we're not a family". There is the possibility that he was in one of his foul moods because he'd rather be somewhere else AGAIN. My 13 and on up kids have an idea of what's going on and my 13 year old asked me to protect the innocence of her younger brother (11) and sister (8)...basically asking me not to leave. My older girls have seen me trying to keep composed, though I feel like I'm holding back the waters behind the damn, tears well up in my eyes and they seem to know my difficult delicate situation.
The weight that I had taken 2-1/2 years to lose came back in 1. Ugh!
Guess I'm looking for a road map, step-by-step list, as to how to mend myself, gain confidence, and do what I need to do.
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry about your situation. I have witnessed everything you are going through and it leaves me feeling sick. I am not for sure how to go about this, but I will give you the best advice I can muster.
I put my beautiful, wonderful wife through this very same thing. I watched her agonize, struggle to find solid ground. I watched her try to wade through the ultimate betrayal and I caused it.
We began seeing therapists real fast because we decided that we were worth fighting for. We were seeing a therapist together and each one of us was seeing a therapist on our own. It was expensive but our marriage was worth it to both of us.
To repair a marriage after an affair is the hardest thing in the world. Everything that a relationship is made of has been completely destroyed and there is no quick fire way to rebuild it. Trust is shattered, and what is a relationship without trust? It could take years, many years to build that trust back up... or, it may not be possible.
From my perspective (your husbands as well), I had to completely come clean to every detail about the affair and it was hard to do. I watched what it did to my wife and I wasn't sure she could take it... I should have spilled the beans all at once but I didn't and that added to the agony. As well, I had to be a complete open book. I gave my wife permission to check my phone, gave her all of my passwords etc so she could check up on me and see that I was flying right.
I had to answer the same questions, time after time and I had to do my best not to lose my temper over it. I had to stick in there and prove to my wife that I could be her support system again. I had to let her be mad, I had to let her cry and I needed to let her remind me of the pain I had caused.... I had to earn back her respect. I had to earn back everything that a relationship is made of and it was a hell of a lot of hard work.
I needed to show her that I was committed to us. And by that I mean that I had to do everything the therapists said I had to. I needed to do all of the work to win her back understanding that she held the cards now. She could call this all off at any time regardless of how I felt or how much work I had put in.
A lot of men who did what I did, don't have the energy or the where with all to stick to this and do all of this work. I'd suggest that your husband has some issues that he needs to get squared away and that is probably something couples therapy wouldn't address. It takes completely exposing himself, looking like an a$$-hole (excuse the expression) and getting humbled and a lot of men won't do that to themselves.
For me, it was easy because I really wanted my marriage. I didn't care who I had to tell my story too and I didn't care how big the fight was. I wanted my family and I wanted my wife by my side for the rest of my life. Fortunately enough, she wanted that too.
I'd suggest that you still try to see a therapist. You've got wounds that need healing. I think it would be more than fair for you to ask your husband if he is really in this, if he still wants the marriage. If he does, he HAS to do the work necessary and it may take years. And for you? You may not have forgiveness or the ability to forgive (I understand it, totally) and without that, you're going no where.
My wife and I are 4 or so years down the road now. I can tell you that she still thinks about it very often. Not every day, 100 times a day like she used too, but it still crosses her mind. Its simply not easy to let go of that betrayal. I make sure I tell my wife I love her at the very least 10 times a day. I do some special things for her, so she knows that I am thinking of her all of the time, like making sure we have HER favorite cream in the fridge for her coffee. I've taken on doing some of the household chores to lighten her load.
There is so much work, just thinking about your situation makes me anxious. It's like a tornado, trying to sort through the rubble of a marriage after an affair. Its not easy. It can't be easy.
I swore that I would do all I could to help people after we got through this and I depended on a lot of people here, even though I was the offender. I needed to hear from the offended what was necessary.
So, if there is anything I can do to help you, you can get a hold of me here.
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