CONFUSED WHAT SHOULD DO ABOUT BABY DAD

First time mbr. Little about my situation is. I'm 35 last 2 years been wanting a second child very badly I finally met someone that wanted kids, but not now since he has decided to go back to school at age 40 full time with out working. Everything was going fine until I found out I was Prego 3 wks ago have not been to the dr ye have appointment 8/4/06 will know more than. Anyway he wants me to term the baby or give it up for adoption he say than we can be to-gather. Mind you he have been back and forth on this decision we have broken up over this several times since I found out. He is now saying he will take full custody if I don't or will leave town where he cannot be found so he want have to pay child care or support at all...

I really like him but refuse to give my baby up I even miss him now and think of calling him at times have not yet... Please give me your advice on this

Another thing- What will dr appointment be for at 8 wks for the first time?????

[AnnieBrooke]

What should do about baby dad -- see a lawyer and find out what your rights are.  8 week appointment -- blood tests, medical history, maybe an ultrasound.  Good luck!

[Berko]

Well i'm happy to hear that you got your BFP. so sorry about the "daddy" and everything, though. in my opinion, and it's just that, my opinion this "dad" doesn't sound like he's worth all that much. now i don't know him personally or your situation exactly for that matter, but whether or not he wants to take responsibility this baby is his too - it takes two. I'm glad to hear though that you decided to keep the baby (it sounds like that was a hard place he put you in to make the decision). I'm sure it's really tough now without this guy, but i'm sure you'll find someone even more special - someone who wants you with your baby and who will be man enough to stick around and take care of you both. In terms of financial support I'm sure with a good enough lawyer you'll be able to make him help out something. He was there when this baby was conceived and just b/c he doesn't like the outcome doesn't mean he can just run off scott free. I really hope that all goes well for you and that everything works out okay. Know that we're here for you as a shoulder to cry on and hopefully strong arms to lift you up when you're down.

[jen023]

Hi there - sorry you are going through such a tough time! It sounds to me like you know that you want to keep the baby and you are just worried about his/her dad. It kind of sounds to me like he is asking you to choose between him and the baby. In my opinion, no man should ever ask a woman to terminate the pg. If he is asking you to do this, than I would suggest that you forget about him and concentrate on giving your baby the life that he/she deserves. As hard as this may sound, you will need to start thinking of what is best for your baby.

And if child support is an issue, it would be difficult for him to "hide" in order to avoid paying child support (as well as illegal). He is probably just saying this to scare you into making the decision that he wants you to make. I agree that you should check with a lawyer to see what your rights are.

Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out okay. And Congratulations on your pregancy!!

[nikita2477]

First of all, this guy sounds like a total control freak and it would probably be in your and the baby's best interest to not be with him. There are some knowledgeable women on here who can advise you on the legality of the custody issue, but I wouldn't worry about him earning full custody of this child.

I can tell you about your first Dr. appt. though. You will have lots of blood work and an internal exam, maybe a pap smear depending on the date of your last one. Some doctors, like mine, will perform an intravaginal ultrasound, which is painless. You will be able to see the baby, sac, and maybe hear the heartbeat. Other than that, they will give you advise on how to take care of yourself and growing baby and set up a schedule of appointments. Best of luck to you!

[Jenny77]

It sounds like this guy is a real creap. I think he is just using school as an excuse. My DH is a full-time grad student and we are pregnant right now (with 3 more years of school to go). We know tons of other couples who are doing the same thing and they are all making it work. Not living in luxury, but definitely not living in poverty either.
Here are a few things, is he controlling? abusive? Only you can answer those, but if yes, then maybe it is better for him to stay at a distance. If he's just scared though ( not sure if the pregnancy was a surprise or if you both had talked about or planned it), maybe he just needs time. I agree that a man should never ask a woman to terminate a pregnancy just because its inconvenient for him. Possibly though he could come around after he sees you growing etc. I hope that is the case, but if not, don't stick around and let him hurt you...and the baby in the long run.

[emziebaby]

ITS YOUR BABY AND ITS A LIL LIFE - AND IF U WANT THE BABY U HAVE MORE THAN A RIGHT TO KEEP IT, U CAN DO THIS ON YOUR OWN, LOTS OF WOMEN HAVE AND THEY AHVE A HAPPY BABY IN A HAPPY HOME, DO THIS HUNNI AND TAKE NO **** , ITS U AND YOUR BABY NOW.
GOOD LUCK XXXXX

[first time mama]

I would NOT terminate!  If that is not what you want to do you will really regret it!!!!!!!!!!  And you don't want to be with a man that would force you into doing something you don't want to.  I say keep your baby and say good bye to the papa!

[mommyc]

I have to say you must put alot of thought into this. It is very hard to go through a pregnancy alone and feeling unwanted or confused. It's something you are going to have to pray on. I wish you the best.

[Nissi Isreal]

First of all I will like to say thank you so much for the support and the strength you have all given me this will help more than you will ever know.

No he's not abusive although he drinks every day I guess since he have nothing else better to do besides study. I guess he can be controlling a little. But have not know him long enough to know rather he is abusive or not I don

[Berko]

Yup you're about 5 weeks. good luck with everything. and remember be strong - don't run back to him if the going gets tough if he can't truly be there for you. i hope you have family and friends that can help you through this, but in the meantime we're here for you.

[Dr. John]

Well there is a lot of advice here but I think your best advice is going to be in your heart at this point. A life is nothing to take lightly as I am sure you know. Your first responsibility is to yourself to stay physically and mentally healthy and for your unborn child. I am sure that you have rationalized all sorts of things about Mr.Wonderful but you need to be serious now and not confuse lust with love. It sounds like your mystery man has some definate issues. Controlling shows lack of self confidence, I would not hesitate to guess there is a history of abuse  somewhere there. Your stateing that he drinks daily is not healthy either-there are plenty of people that drink without doing it daily (and by the way I your letting us know he has nothing else to do but study does not rationalize that type of behavior). Wanting to get ahead in life is what we all want but like any trip there needs to be planning so you both reach your goals. Unprofessionally speaking:Follow your heart-raise your baby and dump the jerk;he is full of idle threats and even if he leaves town he can run but he cannot hide. Good luck-keep us posted.

[Lea2006]

You are doing the right thing! Good  luck!

[jackiemoo]

OMG.. this guy sounds like a jerk. My guy is 25 and this is our 2nd and he is scared but supportive. If this 40 year old cannot support you emotionally than he is still a child. (I am sorry to sound so harsh, but geesh, what a baby he is) Especially with his threats.

What a terd. You are a beautiful young woman who is worth a lot more than this. You, your unborn, and your living child deserve better than this. Just leave him be, maybe he will come around or maybe he won't. Either way I wish YOU the best.

[Jenni6485]

Yeah, definately a jerk!
He's just saying that he's will get full custody just to keep you there. My boyfriend says that all the time when we fight. I look at him like he's crazy.
Babies NEED their mothers... and unless he can prove reasonable doubt that you are incapable of providing for your baby, he cannot get full custody. He'll get weekends.. BUT he needs to pay child support, and since he wants to be a full time student, it's going to screw him up financially, BIGTIME!
You can even go on welfare if you dont get enough child support, and in the future, HE will have to pay it all back.
If he wants to mess with you, mess with him right back.
No judge in his right mind is going to give a baby to a man that is a full time student... If you are not married, children, majority of the time, go to their mothers, uless he can prove that you are incapable, suicidal, a criminal, etc.

Dont worry about it.
.. You can leave the state too... There is NOTHING pointing HIM as the father.... and in most states, the mom is unwed, she has complete custody, and the father has to take her to court. So you can leave the state and if he wants to see his baby he has to go to YOU...
As of right now, he has no paternal rights. There is nothing saying that he is even the father. You can deny deny deny if you want to, and nobody can say anything about it until he pays for a paternity test and takes you to court.
Dont let him hang things over your head. Your in control.

[Sha2004]

Easier to say than do. But I say drop him, and hunt him down for support. If he could lay down with you and make a baby, then he has no right to want you to do adoption or not have the baby. It's your life, your child ,your body. Just imagine trying to give up a beatiful little you. Let him go, he'll regret it, and child support will give him a run for his money. That is so selfish of him. He doesn't deserve to be a father.

[Tia Lucila]

Goodness gracious you already no what to do.  So nobody needs to tell you.  I think, but am not sure, that wages can always be garnished for child support.  A person's social security number could be used to track them down.  I agree with the idea of getting a lawyer.

[Sunshine912]

I am married and have two children and one on the way. My husband has managed to go through 7 years of college and has a Bachelor's degree. Your Husband or boyfriend is just making excuses. Please do not terminate or give up the baby for adoption if you can help it. Termination is definately not a option and shouldn't ever be. So many women are trying to have children and can't. It is wrong. I am sorry for you and that you are in this situation. Women need support when they are pregnant, emotionally, physically, and financially. If he continues to act irresponisible, then I would turn toward family or try to find a women's group. Even try a church.
Someone out there can help you. Please find help. May everything turn out for you and take care of yourself and your soon to be baby. That baby needs you. That should be your priority now.

[Nissi Isreal]

Tank

[blondie72]

Can you do this without the child support???  I mean do you have the means to afford a child on your own??? If so then I say GO FOR IT - You do not need that.  There are many ppl out there that do it on their own with no help from anyone.  I wish you all the luck in the world and yes you may like/love this man but your baby is more important - Who knows once the baby comes he may come around - I have seen that happen as well.  Good Luck to you.

[dandeelyon]

The biggest piece of advice I can give to you is document everything.  Document the conversations he has when he threatens to take the baby.  Do your best to not be emotional at all.  Don't interject anything emotional related to your feelings. Just write down the facts.  

We just got custody of my step son.  He will be living with us during the school year.  He goes to see his mom one week after the school year ends and has to be back to us one week before school starts.  We get alternating holidays.  He's 15 so it's not the same as having a newborn.  The documentation of her threats, slander and general nonsence were what really put the judge on our side.

Good luck.  I hope everything really works out for you.  I was a single parent with my daughter for the first 2.5 years of her life.  It was not horrible at all.

[danny77]

Well it's true what they say a women has the baby. Which means if you want this baby, you have to just set it in your mind that it is all on you. The men can go about there buiseness, but the women have to care and support the child.  If you want to keep the baby. then do it. He is just threatening you with " I will take the baby"  unless he can prove you unfit. He is SOL.   As for still wanting to be with him, That is up to you.

[jen023]

You are definitely doing the right thing! Don't ever let him tell you different. And as someone mentioned earlier, it could depend on where you live - but they do garnish wages for child support. I know because my bro has to pay child support. One month his check got lost in the mail and they garnished his wages for that - then he set it up so that they automatically do that every month so he doesn't have to worry about writing the check. Good luck - once you hold that baby in your arms, nothing else will matter but him/her.

[Berko]

I'm sure he's going to say lots of things to hurt you and make you feel guilty and worried. that's what people do when they're angry and want to take it out on someone. in my opinion this guy isn't worth one more second of your time. if you can try to get out as soon as possible so he has no control over you and cannot torment you any longer. As for the autism I would say to do an online search and see if it's even genetic. I wouldn't worry though anyway he's either probably just saying it to scare you or if it is true it sounds like to me that probably more b/c of issues in the nurture department of his families life and less to do with nature. i'm not saying this because i'm a professional - i don't know much about autism and now that you mention it i'm going to try and see if i can find anything regarding it's genetic correlation, but again for now don't worry so much. just try to get away from him and take care of you, your baby, and your other child. a baby even in a womb can feel pressure, stress as well as calmness and tranquility - you and YOUR family deserve that. leave him be and let him wallow in his own stupidity.