Feeling depress, my relationship is over....can't stop thinking about ..

Hello to all you wonderful ladies.. I am sorry if this has nothing to do with TTC or pregnancy at all.. I just have been going through a lot with my boyfriend.  We have been together for 5 1/2 years, we bought a house, was stupid enought to say ok on asking his parents to move in with us and now I am feeling like I am competing with them.  We have been arguing a lot, but having his family there and seen that we are arguing really makes me hate them more.. There is a lot more involve, but the thing is that I am 8 years older than him, I am 33 he is 26.  Our families go way back.. our moms were best friends, his mom grew up with my moms family.  Well I just keep hearing about how this lady has told her son that I am too old for him, at one time he had asked me to marry him and his mom and sisters were telling him to really think about it because my temper was really bad, that I had been married once before.. I just have so much hatred towards his family right now, because I thought they liked me, and really really liked them before I heard all of this.  Right now I keep thinking about the twin girls I lost at 6 months, I am not at peace with myself.  I feel that we didn't do anything to say "we knew you excisted, and you will be remembered", I had a D&E so I didn't get to see or hold my girls.  My boyfriend just said that he doesn't want to go through IVF again, that it was too much for him and me (meaning relationship wise) just argued..  I am so mad at myself because if we do end up seperating I am going to be the one moving out of the house and start all over again..

[ErikaS]

Hi Silvee--
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I don't really know what to say that may make you feel better, but please know that i'm thinking of you and my prayers are with you. I pray that God grants you the peace you are seeking and the courage to get through this confusing and difficult time. Hang in there, girl. We're with you.

[Silvee716]

Thank you so much.  I just can't really understand why bad things happen to me.  I have done so much to help his family out and they pay me back with talking **** about me.  I have told my b/f that I want us to get an apartment because I don't want to live with no one, just me and him, but with as also arguing so much, we are also doubting our relationship.  I am so sorry, I just needed to relieve myself. I family is here for me, but sometimes is better to talk about your problems with others than your family.  thank you again.

[ErikaS]

No problem...I went through a tough year last year and sometimes feel like if there's one more horrible thing that happens I'm not going to be able to deal!! I know that alot of times it feels good to just vent to people that you don't know very well :) Feel free to vent darling...

[mami1323]

I'm sorry to hear about what is going on for you.  It definitely doesn't help after losing your twins that you have to deal with his insensitive family.  I agree that you both need to get away from them.  They seem to be instigators who don't have anything better to do than to meddle in your relationship.  I think that if you two can move it may be able to aleviate the problems in your relationship. It seems to me you were fine before they moved in with the both of you.  Bring up the option again to him and see what he says.  He may not want to try the IVF again now since your relationship is in such turmoil but once you two can work things out than he may be up for trying it again.  You have been together so long that it is worth trying to work things out.  But sweetie if it seems that he chooses his family over you than it isn't going to change.  He needs to appreciate what a good woman you are and if he doesn't than there is another man out there who will appreciate you.  Good luck and know that all we are here to support you.

[BABYGIRL2006]

well me and my partner been together for 6 years i just lost my baby in may we fight all the time we stay together i have my own place i feel like this he is an out of towner if he want to leave then leave  i not going to chase him because he always starting drama and him family  with me iam not in love with him im just in it for a baby when i found out i was having a baby i shut him out my life he is in no shape to raise my kid he is my sperm donor.

[mami1323]

I hear you...and it's true alot of women tend to put their man's needs ahead of their own.  I've done it and I'm sure most women you talk to have done it.  Since you have sort of made up your mind about you and him than it's definitely time to start putting yourself first.  Get your apt. and take the time to yourself.  Become a whole new you.  It's not an age thing sweetie, most men are selfish at any age.  There are some good ones out there and hopefully when the time is right and when you are ready you will find him.  Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

[Silvee716]

Thank you so much for your wonderful words.  I know that i'll be ok.  Its not the first time I get my heartbroken by someone that is not worth it.  But, I am definitely going to make sure who I get involved with.  Thank you again..

[Hope2OneDay]

Hi Silvee,
First, I'd like to say how terribly sorry I am about your babies. As for the remembrance thing...if that would help you heal and grieve, then you should do it. With our without your boyfriend. Perhaps you should get with your mom, and anyone else who sincerely worries about your well-being, and have a "grieving session" where you can just spill your guts. Or better yet, maybe you should seek counseling, and speak with a professional who can help you grieve. There should be plenty of free counselors available...if you need to, ask your doctor for references. You can't depend on the unstable people around you to help you through your grief. This is something you will need to do on your own, as it sounds like you are surrounded by extremely self-centered people.

As for your live-in situation, and your boyfriend...maybe God is trying to tell you something. The problem with us women most of the time is that we tend to blow off what our intuition tells us. For instance, I stayed with someone whom I suspected of cheating on me...and low and behold, he had been cheating on me for 6 months behind my back!!
When you are having THIS many doubts about your life with him...you need to listen to what your subconscience is trying to tell you. Don't listen to your heart on this one...listen to your mind. Are you nervous just being around him and his family? Do you picture yourself with him (honestly) five years from now? Does he give as much as he takes? Does he blame you for most of the failures in the relationship? Do the "bad" times outweigh the "good" times? As a human being, you have just as much right to be happy as the next person. Why waste your precious time on something that won't let you move forward in life? Move in with YOUR mom until you can find a small apartment just for YOU. Don't worry about your boyfriend or his parents...obviously they aren't worrying about YOU.

Starting over can be scary...I've done it myself. But I know that everything I went through was for a purpose. The hurt, the fear, and the heartache. God wouldn't put you through anything you couldn't handle. He puts you through things so you can learn, grow, and most of all...build character. If you need encouragement, try reading "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. It truly changed my outlook on life. I'm sorry, because I don't mean to preach, and I know I probably shouldn't bring God into these boards due to "political correctness". But I truly feel that this may be your time for a personal and spiritual makeover. At least it sounds like it when I see the pain you're going through. Don't waste precious time...you never know how much time you're given on this earth!!

I wish you the best of luck...sincerely.

[stormy1373]

I feel for you hun....it is so hard when you get family involved and then a guy,,,,,that,,,,,,doesnt see what you see, but you know what, guys never do see what we see, they think soooo differently then us, its amazing.....I dont know how long you two have been together but you obviously care about one another a great deal...perhaps you should try again, talking that is...I wish you the best dear, and wish I had a magic wand or words of wisdom, I am sorry I have neither, but I can empathize...take care hun, and just follow your heart, be sure to leave your pride behind!  and.........baby dust to you.......

[mami1323]

Please keep me posted.  I wish you all the best.

[AnnieBrooke]

Boy, what a potful of woe this is for you, honey!  If you leave or not is up to you, but PLEASE, if you do leave, see an attorney first before moving out, to get instructions on what to do, in what order, to get your portion of the value of the house.  If you are co-owner, you can force a sale if you need to, or he can get a mortgage to buy out your part.  (You'll need to get an appraisal of what it is worth today, and then split that figure.  If you didn't pay half and half, then whatever percentage you did pay is what you use to figure out your amount.)  The emotional part is the worst, but don't leave him with your money too, if you decide to go.  Good luck, sweetheart.  Life is too short for misery.

[Silvee716]

thanks to all of you.. Right now I am feeling like we are not for one another, we are so different me and him.  He feels like he needs to be there for his mom, and the lady is not disable, she's been married to her husband for 20 years, she is 47. My b/f is the second oldest from all the 4 kids that she has.  My b/f and his older sis are from another man and the other two are from her husband now.  They are so easy to criticize about someone else and they don't look at their lifes, like if they have had it great.  I am definitely doubting big time my relationship with him.  He says that his family living with us doesn't have anything to do with how we are not getting along.  He is so blind.. or wants to act like he doesn't see that they are a big part of our problem.  Well, I know that from now on, I am not going to give myself to someone else.  I feel like when I got with him and since I am older I knew more about how things were with finding a apartment, talking to the realtor to getting the house.  I stop leaving for me and started living for him and I messed up there big time.  My mom tells all of us that we women always do that mistake, that when we fall in love with someone, we just make them feel that they are the world to us and than we start complaining why are they changing and treating us different.  Well ladies, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and replying me back... I definitely needed to hear other opinions..  thank you again.

[jifnif]

Well first off, I am sorry you have to deal w/ this crapola!!  We all have to once in awhile and its hard on our hearts.  You have to not feel sorry for yourself and keep in mind that you have not wasted anytime...this is a part of your life and always will be no matter what happens.  Use it for future reference whether its w/ him or not.  My husband and I are 12 years apart and I am the older one.  People say stuff all the time.  I dont care.  It is just numbers.  We have a strong relationship and no man 12 years older than him could be what he is.  But when it comes down to it...its all about me!!  What I am saying is by that....you decide who you are and what you want and what is making you happy.  If this isnt it, only you have the power to fix it.  Good luck and keep positive!!!

[Silvee716]

Hi Ladies.. thank you for your thoughts.  I am just here at work, making myself crazy thinking about what I should do.  I am looking for apartments that I can afford.  Regarding the house, the house is only under his name because my moms house was under mines and we couldn't get a good deal if my name would have been in the loan.  But, me and him did it all, I am the one that found the realtor, through my mom, I talked to him all the time, faxed him everything he needed, found the house I wanted, and since I loved the house, my b/f told me for us to get it.  Well, I told him that when he refinances the house that I should get half of what ever the house has gone up for, and he can stay there with his family and I am going to try to get my own house.  I am really disappointed at myself because I kept wanting so much to stay with him because he is not a bad person, but living with his parents he is definitely thinking like them.  It is hard for both of to let go of each other even though we feel like we are loosing love for each other.  My heart is hurting so much right now because I know that me and him should just seperate.  I don't know if for good or just for a while until we can actually know if we are ment for each other.  I really hate going through this.  It really sucks.  Thank you ladies

[mami1323]

Don't worry, it will work itself out.  It sucks that you have to move when you love that house so much.  Maybe the space will give him a little push to make a decision.  It's all good and sweet to love your family but when they are standing in your way of happiness you have to know when to let go and it doesn't seem like he is able to do that as of yet.  Maybe the time apart will help him see the light.  Good luck with your decision.

[AnnieBrooke]

A pal sent me the following today and I thought of you; hope you like it if you haven't seen it before.  You are doing the right thing to be free of Mr. Mama's Boy.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one old love she can imagine going back to,
and one who reminds her how far she has come...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one friend who always makes her laugh, and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her guests feel honored..

[Continued next post]

[AnnieBrooke]

[Continued from previous]

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
when to try harder, and when to walk away...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width
of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
that her childhood may not have been ideal, but it's over ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
whom she can trust, whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
where to go,
be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
what she can and can't accomplish in a day,
a month, and a year.

[AnnieBrooke]

Take it easy on yourself, wash that stupid man and his stupid family out of your brain, and know you are such a special person that this was the way out to your more special destiny.  (((HUGS))) Annie