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I blame myself...
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I blame myself...

I hope that some of you ladies who have had miscarriages can help me.  I am not quite 18 and I got pregnant in March and ended up miscarrying in June.  I miscarried at about 12 weeks I think but the baby stopped growing around 4 weeks.  I have had a really rough time with this and no one but my boyfriend understands.  My parents never really said anything to be about being pregnant or about my baby while I was carrying it and haven't said anything about it since I miscarried.  I feel like they don't care at all that they lost their grand baby, it is so sad!  I cry almost every single day and some days 3 or 4 times a day.  It has been really hard on me.  I can't help but feel like it is my fault that I lost my baby... I know everyone tells me its not but I feel like it is.  I was the one who was supposed to keep my baby safe, it was the one who couldn't carry my baby, my body couldn't handle it... all of that just makes me feel like it was all up to me and I couldn't do it.  My boyfriend keeps trying to tell me that it isn't my fault and no one blames me, but for some reason I can't help but blame myself.  I would love any advice and support!  Thanks ladies!
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Avatar_f_tn
You poor girl.  It's hard not to blame yourself and a m/c is so hard to handle, and you are so young.  There is nothing you can do sometimes, there was just something not right with the little one and there was no way for you to stop it or know it.  I had a m/c last June and they discovered it at 11 weeks for me.  I was shocked as I had already had 1 healthy baby, I thought it couldn't happen to me.  It will get better for you time, but I would suggest talking to your Dr. or someone you feel comfortable with.  You shouldn't blame yourself or cry so much.  Take time to grieve for your loss, but if you feel like you can't move on, maybe you need some help.  There's no shame in that, it's so hard to go through and you really need support.  I can't say much else except to take care of yourself.  You will get some great advice and support here though, these gals really helped me when I  went through mine.  Chin up, you did nothing wrong.
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266539_tn?1281405752
I feel like lately it has been harder because it would be time for me to start showing and everytime I look down, there is no belly.  We would have had our baby before Christmas and had it's first Christmas this year and everything would have been so wonderful.  All of the "if"s" and "should's" make it even harder to deal with.  Thank you so much for you nice words, it really does mean a lot!
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Avatar_f_tn
I totally understand.  I was due Christmas Eve and it did get hard again around the holidays.  I was pregnant again by then, but I had to work around pregnant women, had friends and even neighbors popping up pregnant.  My sis was also due 6 weeks ahead of me, so I had a really hard time when she had hers.  Nobody reaslly knew what to say and my sister in law (husband's step sister) had the never to ask another relative why I would assume I was pregnant without even taking a test.  My husband's step mom did mention this to me the morning after my miscarriage.  I had not told them or really anyone but the parents about our pregnancy, so I was hurt and furious at hte comment and have no idea why they would repeat it to me as I'm bleeding like crazy.  Took me a long time to even want to be around family, I think it was hard for them too because nobody could really say anything to help.  I bet that your parents are in the same boat, not to excuse them, but mine were like that too.  I wish I could say something to make it better, but really only time will help.  They still love you, but are probably at a loss of what to say too and they probably don't know how hard it is for you.  My mom later told me that she had no idea I would be so hurt since I didn't really know that baby.  Talking to people that have been through this will help to get your feelings out.  Once the others are back on I bet you will get some great stories and advice.  Have a better night.
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266539_tn?1281405752
The day after I was told that I was going to miscarry my mom said, "so when are you starting on birth control", that comment just killed me.  Like just because I am so young and didn't plan for this baby that it didn't mean anything.  I would have bad days and just wanted to be left alone and I would just get yelled at for not being nice or in a happy mood, they didn't understand how I could be in pain.  I will be moving out of the house in May and getting married next October so that will help a ton, I have never had a good relationship with my mom.  I just wish people understood how hard it is.  I want to try for another baby but we are going to wait until we get married...  I have always known that I wanted a huge family and I never would have thought that I would ever lose a baby.  I just wish I could have prevented it!
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134578_tn?1383690151
A miscarriage happens for its own reasons, not something you did or didn't do.  As AndiJ says, "You can't shake a good egg loose," so don't add to your grief the tendency to worry yourself with the feeling that you did something wrong.  I hope that even though the time since June has not been super-long, you are beginning to get a glimmer here and there that life does move on with hope.  We never stop loving our babies who left us, who knows why they were given to us to love for such a short time on this earth?  Even when they are not here, the love we had for them can be healing, a good thing because we have to go on with life.  I'm glad for you that your boyfriend has been stalwart through all this.  Your post reminds me of another teenager who wrote a lot on this forum in the early summer, who had miscarried and one of her problems was that she thought her parents didn't seem sorry.  You might find her posts interesting to scan back and read (under 4EVERDK).   I haven't seen her on the site lately, but in June and July the ladies gave her a lot of words of wisdom.  
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Avatar_n_tn
I understand how you feel. I had a miscarriage too at 12 weeks, mine was a blighted ovum. that means that no embryo ever developed but the empty sac wanted to stay giving me all the symptoms of a pregnancy for the 12 weeks when i knew that there was no baby growing in me. we wanted to have a baby so much but only God knows when is the right time. Think that if this time it didnt happen, is because when it does happen your baby will be the most beautiful and healthy baby you have ever seen.
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169867_tn?1327602254
I had a similar experience. I was pregnant when I was 17 years old (many moons ago!) It wasn't a planned pregnancy by any means, I was training to be a dental surgery assistant at the time and had to leave as I couldn't do xrays being pregnant. My mum (who was usually supportive) was upset when I told her I was pregnant and was very changable about it, one minute we'd talk about it as nicely as you like and the next she'd have spoken to someone who had obviously commented negatively and she would change in a flash and tell me I was ruining my life etc etc. It was really difficult to handle. My grandmother (sadly died about 4 years later) said it was a bad idea and I wouldn't be able to afford to look after a baby....I remember the conversation as if it was yesterday and it was 15 years ago...  
Sixteen weeks into the pregnancy I was used to the idea and had even started getting excited about it but felt noone else was. My routine scan then was at 16 weeks where they found the baby stopped developing at 10 - 11 weeks. I had a horrendous time and had to have 2 x D&C's and the whole m/c lasted about 3.5 weeks in and out of hospital. I felt like all my family had somehow wished it away- I know that sounds mad now but I thought maybe the baby somehow knew it wouldn't be born into a loving family.
I was heartbroken and felt I had noone to talk to because of how negative everyone had been and I really blamed them for it. My own mum suddenly became the normal supportive mother she used to be and that was really hard to take at the time. My boyfriends parents (who afterwards became husband #1) were even worse- they said alot of hurtful things after it happened which also will always stay with me.

My first baby was due on April 29th 1993.

I know this probably won't help but I remember my Dr at the time told me that miscarrying a first baby is extremely common - it's like some female bodies need a trial run before they can carry a baby to term and looking at my family now I truly believe that.  

I have 3 very beautiful daughters ages 11, 10 and 8 with my then boyfriend- husband #1 and since meeting husband #2 I have another daughter age 3 - I had a m/c last year and now I have another on the way.

You will always remember your first baby , the feelings you are having will always be there but in a more subtle way as time goes by. I agree with everything the other posters have said, and I know it's not easy but please try not to blame yourself (or anyone else like I did)  for what has happened noone is to blame.

Hugs,

Ruth xx
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159354_tn?1286371288
I am so so sorry you are going through this and yes at your age I'm sure you get mixed reactions especially from your parents but know that they love you and only want what's best for you.

There are so many reasons that people m/c that early and the most common is a chromosome abnormality.  That is something that could be difficult on any mother but especially a 18 year old mother who has her entire life a head of her.

I am not trying to make light of it due to your age.....in fact sometimes it's harder when you are younger because you have not yet been tainted by life.  It's so hard.

I lost 3 babies last year....and I'll tell you what...no one understands but another mother who lost a baby...trust me.  My husband tries to be as supportive as possible but he doesn't even get it.  We knew our child was inside us...we felt it on so many levels....and then one day to hear they have passed away...even before we could hold them...just once....it's a nightmare.

Each loss was no easier than the next but I have to push forward and live my life the way God wants me too....HE is holding my children close to HIM and even if you don't believe in heaven or God...your child is not hurting and is in a safe place.

You will see your child again some day and he/she knows how they were so loved by their wonderful, loving mother....no matter what....that love is real!  You are an amazing young woman and don't let anyone tell you different or tell you how to grieve.

We are always here for you on this site....These amazing women pulled me through the darkest valley of my entire life and I while I'll never know any of them....they have been my biggest blessing.
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220238_tn?1210596817
Honey, my heart goes out to you. Please believe that this not your fault and know that God has a plan for you.  I just suffered a m/c in July and it was so hard, but I know that all things happen for a reason and I have to hold on to that to get by. At first I too wanted to blame myself.  I began counseling sessions and I have been able to better cope.  If these feelings don't begin to resolve for you soon, I would definitely seek out someone to talk to if I was you.  It can only help and maybe heal your heart a little faster.  Good Luck!!!
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222234_tn?1216343635
i don't know if you know, but i had my baby born still at 36 weeks, every thing was ready every thing was happy and excited, i am married, my hnusband was very excited the day before i went to delivery, he told me are you gonna keep this baby forever, i can't wait to hold her in my arms...well he did, he holded her but she was still, the pink and white nursery became dark for me, all the tiny clothes looked unusfull...she was a full term baby, she weighted 7 lb 4 oz as i remember, and her height was 19 inches, can you imagine holding your baby,and you kow that she is not gonna sleep with you her first night..she will be at the hospital refrigirator, it was cold, i couldn't handle it, i did not had any support from anybody at the first, well after a while my husband was with me, he supported me, but he cpouldn't show to me that he cares because i was very depressed and he did not want to show me that he is crying, well now he cries..i do to...almost every day....we were waiting for this baby, but God knows where is the better for us, i believe in him and he gave me the strenght...all my family seems to not care about her, they told me that if she still alive she might had problems, maybe sick...maybe....well no my baby was healthy, she wasn't handicapted, she just could not make it...i love her..my mil told me the first day after the delivery, are you still in bed? oh no, you don't have to, you have to take care of your husband, he is not supposed to be sick and i don't know how to say it in english but she mentioned about my skin color after the delivery, i was very yellow, she asked me to put some make up and start to walk in the house....well yeah, i had a c-section...i coild not even sleep good. i was in all that depression and they wanted me to get over it and forget her...
it is hard sweet heart, and no word can ease it for you, believe in God and live it for him, he wil take care of us. you wil never be the same person again, your baby will stay in your heart forever and ever. you have to cooporate with your pain and try to make your self stronger, you have to heal to help your body to get ready for another one and three and as much as you want. motherhood is not for certain age, my mom was married in 14 and had her first at 15, ahe is a great mom. don't blame yourself, you did not did any thing wrong, i know that if it was up to you you could give you health and age for your baby to stay alive, i would give her evry thing in the world to make it but i couldn't, well i am TTC again and hope that every thing will be ok, and i dream in the day i will be holding my baby at the hospital and kiss him/her the first kiss while he/she is crying and shaking...i hope that you heal from your pain and try to live and have a lot a lot of babaies in the future.((((((((HUGS))))))))))
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222234_tn?1216343635
oh just to tell you i lost my baby at may 7 this year. it was 4 months and God knows i am not strong enough to handle it.
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Avatar_f_tn
It is not your fault. I can tell you that 15 times, but you'll still blame yourself because it's human nature. I had a missed miscarriage and a D&C on 5/11/07. MOther's Day weekend.  I was due 12/9/07. The baby died at 6w 6d. I blamed myself because I still smoked at the time. I was taking blood pressure medicines that arent compatible with pregnancy. I KNEW it was my fault. But the ladies on here helped me to understand that there was NOTHING I could have done different.  THe baby just wasnt well.  I am now Pregnant again. I am due 2/21/08. I was terrified and I still get worried. I've quit smoking, changed my meds and eat right, etc.
I am sorry you do not have your mom's support. That is so hard. I will keep you in my prayers and if you need anyone to talk to, you can email me anytime: ***@****
xoxox
Vanessa
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266539_tn?1281405752
Thank you ladies so very much for all your kind words and support!  I'm glad I found this site because you ladies are so nice and thank you very much, it helps to talk about it with people who understand and have been through it!  I don't feel so alone.  Thank you!
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172826_tn?1292440112
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I must be really difficult but I do know its not something you did or didn't do as someone said. My mom had a miscarriage 3 years after I was born at around 12 weeks as well and she didn't even know she was pregnant. Well actually she did but the tests were all negative and whatnot...This is like 18 years ago...almost 19 years ago...She is still not over it and when you speak of miscarriages she still cries alot and all...So I know what effect that it can have. After I got pregnant with this baby, I thought I would miscarry as well-my doc said it was a miracle I hadn't...My bf had given me chlamydia from a previous relationship and that would of just brought our worlds down.

I can't say I know what you are going through but I know it can be difficult seeing my mom go through this pain...my dad still takes it really hard as well...They think they lost their little boy...

In your case it seems to be a little difficult because you can't focus on any other children but you are focusing on the changes your life will be taking...e.g. moving out and getting married. You know if you both feel the time is right you are not too young to have a child regardless what anyone tells you...With time or sooner I am sure you will get pregnant again and be sooo happy:) I hope that day comes for both of you soon and I wish you the best of luck with everything:)
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258821_tn?1227127290
It's very hard what you are going though and I totally understand. I just miscarried 2 weeks ago - I was 12 weeks pregnant, but the baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. But it totally isn't your fault!!!!! It's VERY common to miscarry, believe it or not, especially on your first child. The vast majority of miscarriages are due to an abnormality of the chromosones - something just didn't jive with the egg and sperm union. It's nothing you did, and there's nothing you can do to prevent that sort of thing.
As for you parents not responding, they probaby just don't know what to say, having a daughter so young go through a pregnancy and then a miscarriage. Look for people you can talk to, if that's what helps. Lean on your boyfriend. He is right that it isn't your fault and he sounds like he's being very supportive to you. Listen to him!!  And cry as much as you want - nobody said you couldn't. You need to take the time to grieve and heal. Take care.
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