I feel like a terrible mom!!!

The last two nights have been the worst ever.  I think Jayden may be getting more teeth but he's been a horrible sleeper.  Two nights ago I was up at least 5 times with him and last night he wouldn't go to sleep and woke up at 4 am, 5 am, and 6 am.  Last night I did something I swore I would never do...I let him cry-it-out.  I know many people disagree with that and I did as well but last night I just didn't know what to do.  I had given him Hylands and Tylenol, fed him and he went to bed at 9:30 but woke up at 10:30 pm.  I fed him again and he fell asleep in my arms but once I put him in the crib he cried bloody murder.  The night before all he wanted was to be in our bed and we did everything and anything to avoid it but he wound up there because I just needed some sleep after getting up every couple of hours.  I didn't want to do the same thing last night.  I wouldn't mind co-sleeping but we have a very tiny bed and we don't sleep that well when he's in bed with us.  So last night I tried letting him cry 5 minutes, going back putting my hand on him, but he wouldn't calm down.  Then I picked him up which goes agains the whole cio method but he was reaching for me and I just couldn't help it.  When I picked him up he kept pushing me away and having a tantrum.  So I put him back in the crib because it was obvious that he wasn't even getting comforted by me.  He cried for what felt like an eternity, which I think it was about 1/2 hour and finally fell asleep.  Now I feel like I'm a terrible mother for doing that.  I feel like he just wanted to be close to us and probably was hurting from his teeth.  I just don't want him to get used to sleeping in our bed all the time.  I don't know what could be going on with him so I'm assuming his teeth.  I guess I don't have much of a question, just felt like expressing how awful I felt for letting him cry himself to sleep.

[mami1323]

*bump*

[cantwait4baby]

I cant do that method but just the other night when dd would not fall asleep and kept pushing me away I put her in her crib and let her cry for about 15 minutes while I cleaned up downstairs.  Got myself together.  Then went back up.  I felt horrible she was all red from crying and coughing from crying and she has asthma.  I have a rule in our house that she never has to cry before bedtime - this is ourtime.  We both work so this is family wind down time and I dont want her to be sad but sometimes when it gets to be too much you jsut have to do it.  You are not a bad mom.  Not in any way, shape or form.  Some people live by this method.  I am just not one of them.  I felt horrible for 15 mintues but I know I needed that for my sanity.

What you coudl do when that happens is once he is asleep pick him up and cuddle him.  It will make you feel better and he will be soothed by it.

[Charlotterose]

I had no choice to do what you did.. I know you feel horrible for it, but it works.. my rule was always if he was crying and i would pick him up and then he was fine.. then i knew nothing horrible was wrong with him.. i would put my mp3 player on and wait 5 minutes, just cause I couldn't bare to hear him cry.. but after a week of that I was able to lay him in his bed and he would fall fast asleep, so I know how you feel now, but in the end it's worth it..
hang in there you're not a bad mom, because if that makes you a bad mom then so am I.. and by the way I'm not!!

[girliegrl1723]

oh hun, i know you feel terrible, but don't. you are not a bad mom. i know there are just some nights when you feel like you are going to loose it if you don't get some sleep and when the little guys aren't calming down, it only makes things more frustrating. i can't say i have ever let edward cry it out, because even the few times i did let him cry for a little longer than usual, he would never fall asleep on his own. little bugger. i remember so many nights when i would pick him up, give him a bottle or rock him to sleep, lay him down, hear him cry and do it all over again, like fifty times. a lot of the time, i'd hear him fuss, let him cry for 10 min, 15 min, 20 min and he would just get more upset. like cantwait said, by the time i would walk back in, he would look like he had just fought a battle, face all red, nose runny, coughing and gagging. you just have to do whatever it takes to make you both happy and if after 1/2 hour of crying, he went to sleep, then you did good. especially if he wasn't being comferted by you holding him and pushing you away, then what else do you do? you gave him some relief from the teething pain, so thats good also. when you have gone down the list and done everything, food, diaper, bottle, medicine and you are sure you've done everything, then don't beat yourself up over it. poor jayden. i know its rough. we just got back from vacation in colorado, a 2 hour time difference and the first couple days there as well as the first couple days back home, were really rough on edward. i swear he cried the entire time i was bathing and dressing him last nite and my husband and i took turns trying to console him, but nothing. he was soooo overtired and upset. finally, we just put him down on our bed by himself (he's old enough now) and he went to sleep on his own. once he was good and sleeping, we moved him to his crib and breathed a sigh of relief. it was a little upsetting that he didn't want to be consoled by me, but they are boys...probably more independant than we'd like. anyway - don't beat yourself up over it - you're doing great!

[mami1323]

Thanks ladies...I just needed your support.  He cried so much and was stamping his legs.  I felt horrible for it but yes, I tried everything.  I just am so tired and was so frustrated when he was pushing away while I was trying to comfort him.  I don't think I will do it again, hearing him screaming and thrashing around broke my heart.  This morning he was fine, hugging my arm and smiling so it didn't do permanent damage to him but to me it was like the world was ending.

[becca_3456]

DD was a horrible sleeper too. She was sleeping in our room in a packnplay. She would wake up 3-4 times every night. It was killing me:) DH suggested we move her into her room. Well I HATED to do it but I had to let her cry it out. The first night she cried for an  hour off and on. Every time she got too upset I would go into her room and calm her down. She eventually fell asleep. The second night she only fussed for 30 minutes. I was so relived she did not scream and cry or else I would not have lasted. The 3rd night she only fussed for 10 minutes. She has been in her room for 3 weeks now and when I put her in her bed, she goes right to sleep. And she sleep all night from 8:30 to 8:00am some times she gets up at 4 when her daddy leaves but she has been sleeping strait through. I  used to be so against letting her cry it out, but it WORKS. She does not hate me in the morning like I thought she would:) She sleeps so much better now and I am finally able to get the rest I need to be a GREAT mom.

[mami1323]

I guess at some point sometimes you have to do what you have to do.  I didn't think he was going to protest as much as he did.  I thought at least with my hand on him or when I picked him up he would have calmed down but he didn't.  I'm just praying tonight will be a better night.  Unfortunately, my son is an extremely light sleeper and anything wakes him up.  I had put him to bed at 9:30 and when my fiance came home he woke him and that's how all the trouble began.  I don't know why he's a light sleeper, since he's been small we never tip toed around, we played music had him around family that was noisey.  He gets the light sleeping thing from me...the smallest noise and I'm awake.

[babyscience]

You are so living my life right now.  I was just going to post about Ethan doing the same thing.  He was up off and on last night, he would be completely fine in my arms sleeping then put him down he would start crying.  I finally got him to sleep by laying him in his crib and sticking a bottle in his mouth immediately.  He drank about 3 oz then fell asleep.  But it has been this way all week.  I was wondering if it is because one morning he did it, so I got him back to sleep then put him in our bed.  Maybe he just thinks our bed is more comfy...I know I would think that! LOL.

[mami1323]

Maybe it's in the summer air.  They don't want to sleep...lol.  Of course they love our bed better.  Have you felt the crib mattress?  I wouldn't want to sleep on that thing either....lol.

[babyscience]

Yeah...I would hate to sleep in a crib too.  Not only is the mattress hard, but you would have bars all around you too.  I know last week it was really hot where I live and Ethan slept bad...but this week it is cooler...hmmm, maybe he is too cold now.  I just have him in a onesie and swaddled.

[mami1323]

Oh how cute, you still swaddle him?  My son never liked it.  I have him in a long sleeve onesie and halo sack.  He always seems cold.

[babyscience]

Well I try to swaddle him!  Incredible hulk always gets out, but it is part of the routine so I have stuck with it.  I have next week off of work so I wanted to work on breaking these habits...but now that he is having sleeping problems I dont know if I should mess with it to much.  I figure what is the harm if I put him to bed in a swaddle and he breaks free.

[casandbaby]

awww I know what your going through, my son was the same way last night. I also gave him hylands and tyenol and it still wasn't working so I tried to comfort him and that didn't work so i put on eebee he loves it and within a few minutes he was calm and i gave him a bottle of water and no more than five minutes he was asleep. You are not a horrible mother at all!!! I can't let my son cry I feel horrible and theres a point when it gets to frustrating and you gotta do whatcha gotta do at that moment and thats not a bad thing. Crying is good for the lungs and i know that doesn't make it any easier thats just what my hubby says but he's not the one whos got to get up with him and if it we're revereased i know he couldn't let him cry eithier but there would be a point where he would let him cry because his patience level is so low anyways i'm babbling but your not horrible =]

[mami1323]

Thanks cas, I got him to sleep tonight but I don't know how long he's going to stay asleep.  I'm hoping it's for the night.  My fiance thought the same as me last night, we both had just had it.  We were extremely tired from the night before and I know tmi but we had plans to have some intimacy which is rare because there are few nights that we actually want to and that he comes home early.  That didn't work and so I think we were both really irritated.  It's not my son's fault he did not know that mommy and daddy wanted to get it on....lol.  Now I got my af so it's not going to happen for 7 days.  D amn that kid...haha.

[casandbaby]

aww it seems they know the right time to interupt huh? hopefully he lets you get some sleep. How many teeth does he have?

[mami1323]

HE SLEPT!!!!  Yay!!!!  All night, he woke up at 5 am but my fiance gets up at that time so he just put him in bed with me and we both slept until I had to get up for work at 7 am.  I feel soooo refreshed.  He has 2 bottom teeth but today I was looking at his gums and the right side on top looks like a tooth will pop through soon.  It's really red and swollen.  I can't wait for it to cut through.

[deanne11]

Hey Girlie!!

I didn't read everything here word for word....but besides the teething are you sure that he doesn't have an ear infection or anything....does he have a runny nose, etc?

The only time Jake does that stuff (holding him - and he pushes me away, freaking out) is when he has had an ear infection...which was twice...

Just a thought.  I know with his first....he never had a fever, so I would have never known....but this last time...he had a blazing fever.

[mami1323]

Hey hon,

I thought that because in the morning his ear was red but then it went away.  He doesn't have a runny nose or anything.  This morning I looked and his gum on top was very swollen on the right side.  I think that tooth is what is killing him.  But he was fine all day yesterday so I didn't bother giving him any Hylands or tylenol.  He got sleepy close to 9 pm, I made him a bottle, he fell asleep in my arms.  I held him until I knew he was out cold and then put him in his crib.  I also had the a/c on low and the window closed so there was no noise.  He stayed out cold all night girl.  I usually have the fan going and the window open and with the constant New York construction there are always honking trucks and loud noises at night.  Since he's a light sleeper I figured I would try doing the a/c with the window shut.  I think it worked.  I am so refreshed.

Thanks for the advice though.

[deanne11]

Well, I'm glad you got your sleep....I'm very blessed to have 2 good sleepers

[peekawho]

I don't think you're horrible at all.  In fact, tonight I plan to try the CIO method with Mr. Peek.

[babyscience]

Yay...thats good!  Mine slept until 2am, blah.....BUT I gave him a big bottle and he went right back to sleep.  So I think maybe he is just hungry.  I have a growing boy!  So today I am packing more food for him to eat.  Hopefully that will do the trick.  I think the problem could be...my mom feeds him with this crazy contraption of a spoon that squirts food out (dont ask me why she uses it, cause she is never doing anything else when she feeds him...she is always into gimicks and gadets).  Anywho about 1/4 of his food gets left over in there, so when I think he is getting 2oz, he maybe getting just over 1oz.  So needless to say I have a huge note on his food and provided her with "normal" spoons! LOL

[mami1323]

deanne11 - I'm so jealous...every night is different for me.

peek - lol....men, can't live with, can't kill them.

[mami1323]

That's a weird spoon!!!  Those growth spurts are the worst.  Hopefully our boys will get to sleeping better soon.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I didn't read all of the responses, but I know how you feel.  My youngest just turned 1 on June 13.  I never know what I'm going to get when the night time comes.  But it may sound strange, but it seems like her cry is kind of different when she is in pain.  Plus, I feel like if she is doing fine all day with playing and being happy, then she is probably fine to go to sleep.  Another words, I kind of rule out her being sick.  But as another poster said, kids don't always run fever when they have an ear infection, so IDK.  I will just be glad when she gets to sleeping all night.  Every once in a while she does, but normally that is not the case.  And I have had many nights when she wakes up every hour.  Sometimes I feel like I will literally go crazy from the lack of sleep.  I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. for work and most nights I can't even lay her down until midnight.  It seems like if I lay her down any earlier, she will take a 30 minute nap and decide she wants to play!!  Ahhhhh!!!!  And then she will wake up every 30 minutes to an hour many night.  ***Sigh***  

Well, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone......

[Crritter]

Cam has those nights too, way too many for me to count.  He gets like this with ear infections too.  Sometimes when they get teeth, the pressure can upset the Eustacion tubes and they can get an infection.  Cam got his first ear infection with his first tooth.  They haven't stopped much since, but they come more often when he gets teeth.  He will be fine all day, and at night will scream.  As long as your little one is back to sleeping I bet it was teeth, but if it continues, I would call your ped.  Happy sleeping!

[GNicole]

So glad you slept better!! I was wondering how last night went. And you are not a bad mom. Sometimes I have to let Avery cry or she will NEVER go to sleep! I never let her go more than 15 minutes but sometimes I just have to let her cry! Good luck and I hope you sleep good tonight! :)

[mami1323]

Thanks ladies...I will look out for his ear.  Glad to know I'm not alone.  You just often question yourself, am I doing the right thing, is my son going to remember...

[Mary 53]

Hi,

I check in on this forum now and then, and I recalled that this was a hot topic sometime this past winter, so I did a MedHelp search and luckily found the information (I searched the words, Dr. Richard Ferber Mary 53 , and actually there was only one post that popped up and it was the post. Cool...

Anyway, I thought I would copy and paste it here and I hope that the information is helpful. Hang in there....Great forum!

********************************************************************************

I am impressed with how supportive you all are of one another.

First of all I will add that I agree that the method I am going to talk about would not be used until the child is 6 months (I won't split hairs here as some books recommend 4 months...I guess I am more comfortable with 6 months since you are building that trust between birth and 6 months, ahthough having said that, there are some babies who do need to have a sort of "fussy time" after you put them down and it is not like you are leaving them to cry on and on ... I worked with parents who reported that their 3 or 4 month old would fuss for approximately 10 mintues and then fall asleep on their own.... but I think you all know what I mean in that this is not the same as crying it out).


And, it is funny, too, because when my daughter was a baby, "Crying it out" meant you let the child cry and cry and cry and not go in at all to let them know you have not abandonded them..... Talk about Horrible, huh?  That is what some doctors of that time were advising. Fortunetly, my doctor recommended the Ferber method and I will be eternally greatful for that. I'll tell you, when the Ferber method came along, it was a God-send....and to this day I never think of that method as a form of "crying it out" but again, it is with the perspective of thinking back to 1985.

I am a licensed Parent Educator and used to work with families regarding the sleep issue. I am teaching in a different field now but I do want to share with you what happened to me...us...and also tell you how I worked with families going thru this.

We had a horrible time with the sleep issue...in an apartment...spouse working crazy hours....COLIC...COLIC  ...you get the picture. My daughter did not learn to sleep all night until she was about 15 months. I was sooo desparate by then. Life/marriage falling apart...and to be honest, a Not-So-Healthy child in that once she slept through the night she was sooo different...Since then I have studied more and more on this and this whole area is so facinating....sleep cycles/health/growth...melatonin, etc...they need that sleep for brain (and body) growth and let's face it, so do we! And, above all, don't ever forget that Sleep Begets Sleep....So, once you get them sleeping, you can expect more and more of the same. That is the great news.

I used Dr. Richard Ferber's method "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problem."

I had heard of him as my sister worked in a hospital in Boston and knew of him. And, my daughter's doctor appreciated his work. I admit I deviated a bit on his method...I went in to check on her (only if she was still crying) after five minutes...and kept doing the five minute check until I heard her calm down. It took 2 and a half days and that kid slept even at nap time....and the first night was the worst (45 min of crying until it winded down) but I was going in every five minutes.......you just go in and say softly, "Mommy's here...it is not play time...I love you...I will see you in the morning" (I paraphrased) but this way they know you are there and that you are not gone....but, you must let them learn to soothe themselves and that is what you are teaching them. You are also helping them regulate their sleep cycles.

Years later, I had the VERY good fortune to meet a person who worked with Dr. Ferber. The person came to the program where I taught Parent Education for years. I told her that I had played around a bit with Ferber's method in that I went in that first night every five min...and the second night every 7 min....(and that I sent my husband to his Mom's and that I put blankets on the wall so as not to disturb the neighbors in the apartment building, but luckily this did not scare my child!)...but the person I spoke with said, "Hey...it is a behavoiral method...you essentially followed the plan and it worked."  I have to tell you that I used it on our dog, too, when she was a puppy ten years ago. It worked in two days (she'd been bothered by a urinary infection and got her sleep cycles all mixed up)..... I went to the kennel where as a puppy she was sleeping (She is 11 now and sleeps with me!) but I went to the kennel one time after she whined for 5 minutes and spoke softly to her....left.... continued whining....went again to speak to her softly ten min. after that and that puppy went back to sleep and slept for three more hours!



Well, I am happy to report that the kid I did the Ferber method on is now 22, graduated from college finishing 5 years in 4, and now works for a very cool family as a Nanny to two small boys...travels with them all over the country...and, when she is home, she Nanny's three days a week and on weekends for the family and works as an Intern in a Photography studio. ....She is a neat kid.


I used to have parents who wanted to try the method in my class and many of them knew my daughter and spouse...and knew we did not damage her for life. But, I totally get that you need to be ready to do this....You will know when the time is right.

I wanted to add one more thing...I think I loved Ferber because he never put the blame on anyone, you know?  He said, "Hey...whatever method you used to get your baby to sleep for however long this has been going on is not working anymore....we have a solution for you." I used to get all that "you are spoiling her" stuff....Just listen to your heart and that plus advice you are comfortable with will get you through.


Also remember that the greatest gift Parents can give a child is a great relationship between themselves. This is tough the first year of the baby's life, but do keep at nuturing that relationship, so if the sleep thing is an issue and  your baby is old enough to try this method, again, I just wanted to say that it works and that you are actually teaching your child a good lesson in Their own self-esteem in that they will inately know that THEY CAN DO THIS.... THEY can comfort themselves.

I swear our baby was a much happier child once she started really sleeping (She was getting up about 8 times a night......   :(       Once she was really rested on a consistent basis with that deep wave and REM sleep as well (that is when they typically wake up if they don't know how to self-sooth) it is like a Personality switch is turned on. It is very cool...and, they will love you for it.


There was a big uproar a few years ago disputing Ferber and I still don't know what all the fuss was about...They were saying He did not agree with his own method anymore...I thought WHAT?????.....but, again, I don't know what the fuss was all about. I saw him on a TV morning show around that time and all it seemed to me was he was encouraging people to use their intuitioni if they do the program...which is what I think I did by fiddling around with the times and such.

Best of luck.

Mary

[Nicole624]

I dont use CIO, I have tried it, and like you I felt horrible!! It gets to the point that I just want to give up! lol I usually just take him for a car ride, when he wont stop screaming. we put on his favorite song and he falls right asleep. Thankfully,we havent had many of those nights. Sorry you feel bad, but your a GREAT mommy!!

[40smama]

Mami -

I followed your story and I KNEW your little guy would sleep tonight (or rather last night!).  You know the h e l l I've gone through w/Noah being such a light sleeper that reading your posts gave me hope that things will get better.  I think you totally did the right thing even though I knew it was really hard.  Sometimes he has to learn to settle himself down especially at his age.  The other day when I laid my baby down for his nap, he immediately started fussing.  In the past I would've quickly picked him up to soothe him before he woke up any further trying to keep the nap going but this time I let him fuss/cry a little and he went to sleep BY HIMSELF!!  Without rocking or walking - I was thiking, "It's a MIRACLE!".  

Actually it was my dd who told me to try that - here she's 15 years old and teaching her old mama new tricks!!  She had been doing that when she takes care of Noah.  Anyway, please don't feel like you're a bad mom - I know for a fact you're a good one and I hope Jayden has a good night tonight!!!

[mami1323]

Mary 53 - thanks for that info...it was very helpful.

Nicole624 - thanks hon....it's a tough on cio, I haven't had to do it again thank god.  But his top tooth on the right is breaking through the gum so at least I know what the culprit was.

40smama - glad to hear that Noah is getting better with his sleeping.  Yeah, I know you've been having a tough time with that.  I think at the beginning I was jumping up with every little whine.  One day I decided, let me let him fuss, I did and he went right back to sleep.  That's how I started getting him to sleep through the night.  Your daughter is going to be a natural mommy.  She's got those maternal instincts down pat.