I may be going to work, and I am sooo torn right now. :(

I love being a mom that is able to stay home with her baby, I love being here for Ava all day.  Here is my dilema, we recently came across the opportunity to purchase my moms property, but we could not afford to buy with only my fiance's income.  He, as most of you know, has 3 other daughters and hefty childsupport paymentS every month.  Along with the basic bills each month, we just have enough left to live COMFORTABLY, no extras to buy big boy toys with or anything like that.

I am torn about this.  This is the opportunity that we have been waiting for.  We do not have to put ANY money down, all we have to do is assume the mortgage payments.  Her property is actually 2 residences, it was split because they set up a singlewide trailer on the property for my Grandparents... once my Grandaddy passed away my G-Ma moved in with my mom.  My mom is going through a divorce and is unable to keep up the payments by herself, and her ex does not want anything to do with it... he has moved to the beach with his new fling.  Anyway, I know my fiance' and I could do this, but it would mean that I MUST work.  

My heart hurts thinking about not being here for my daughters every need during the day.  My heart aches thinking that I will not be around when she begins to learn new things, and she will have to experience those things with my SIL instead of her Mommy.  But what about the opportunity that is in front of me right here right now.  It may not come again in 4 years when she is ready for Pre K.  I really want to be able to provide a solid foundation for my family.  This is a chance to OWN something, to be able to have that peace of mind knowing that I HAVE something of my own to leave to our children.  

Why is this decision so danged hard?  Why do I feel like I will be failing my daughter if I go to work?  Please working moms tell me that your kids still love you just as much as they would if you were home with them all day.  :(

[girliegrl1723]

this is a decision that needs to be 100% completely up to you. follow your heart. you will know in your heart what you want/need to do for your daughter and your family. but i will tell you this....your daughter will not love any less than she would if you were home all day. nothing can or will ever change the fact that you are her mommy and whether you are there physically or not, you are always #1 in her heart. its hard now because she is so little and you don't know if she will miss you when you are not there, because she can't tell you and you won't know if she is happy when you come home, because she can't tell you. i was there with my son and i will be honsent, some days, it really hurt. he is 18 months old now and just beginning to express himself as a little person. some days, when i walk out the door and he follows me crying "mama...mama!", it breaks my heart into millions of tiny little pieces and my days are longer and harder to get through, but without fail, on every day that i pick him up from daycare or my moms or come home and he's already there and he runs to me with a big smile and says "mama!" and takes my hand to show me whatever it is he is doing at the moment...that makes it all worth it. without fail. every day. your daughter will always love you, no matter what choice you make. its a personal, hard, decision. but she will never love you any less. never. good luck! i know its hard.

[mami1323]

I am a working mom.  Have been since Jayden turned 2 months.  Believe me, I know how you feel.  My mom watches him and gets to see the new things he does before me and it breaks my heart.  I would love to stay home with him and even at 8 months old, I almost cry everytime I have to leave him.  BUT, I do it because I need to provide for my son.  You will be giving her a house to grow up in, something that not many people nowaday, with the costs of real estate being as high as they are, can do.  You can look into working from home and therefore get the best of both worlds.  I'm trying to do that now as well.  I still spend quality time with my son even though I work.  He is with my mom all day but yet he knows who mommy is.  As soon as I walk through the door he is soooo happy to see me.  I actually enjoy him so much more because I am not with him all day.  I look forward to our time together.  

[Quinns momma]

Have you looked into working at home? I work from home full time and feel that for me that is the best of both worlds. We have 2 incomes coming in and I get to stay home all day with Quinn. Also saves $$$ on daycare and gas.....

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Quinns momma

I would love to work from home.  What do you do from home if you don't mind me asking?

BabyHardiman

1st baby, I stayed home for over a year and a half but had to go to work due to divorce.  My 2nd, I was home with her for over 2 years and got pregnant with #3 during that time.  So I got to be with #3 for 8 months.  I have been working at this same company every since and have had 2 more daughters since being here.  When I came back from maternity leave (12 weeks) with #4 it was VERY hard on me.  After all, she was only 3 months old and that was the soonest I had ever had to leave one.  But she does love me just as much and she rushes me when I get home.  They all do.  I have a 14 year old son and then 4 daughters from 7 to 13 1/2 months.  And they all love me very much and are so very happy to see me when I get home.  Do I wish I could be with them more?  Of course I do.  I miss them.  But luckily the company that I work for is very understanding.  They have to be or I couldn't work here.  I have 5 kids and they got sick, have 1st days of school, and school programs, etc.  If they were not understanding, I wouldn't work here anymore.  That's the important thing about finding employment.  They employer has to know that although you are there to work, your family comes first and if they need you, you will have to leave to take care of them.

I understand how you feel completely and I think that I would love to work part time.  It is very hard to stay home 24/7 and not have adult conversation.  Well, it was for me, but that wasn't why I went back to work.  I went back due to marital problems and I was afraid we might not make it.  So, if we were not going to be together, I wanted to already have a job.  But if I could have it my way, I would work part time.  This way I can be with my kids more but still have somewhat of a break and get to be with adults.

I know this is a difficult decision for you, but please don't worry about your daughter loving you any less.  She won't.  I spend every minute that I'm not at work, home with my kids.

[mami1323]

Funny you asked her, I asked her the same question the other day.

She's a professional medical coder.

Here is the link to our conversation.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/583117?post_id=post_3215204

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Thanks so much!!!  I really want to do something from home, but I DON'T WANT TO SELL ANYTHING!!  LOL!!

[jenstam]

I am a working mom and I will not tell you that it is easy because it isn't. I feel so sad because I don't get to be there for everything and second guess my working nearly every day! But I need to work at the moment to afford our mortgage and raising our five kids together. Someday soon, I hope I can at least work part time. I would never be able to be a full SAHM. I will tell you that I appreciate my kids so much more when I'm working and the smile on their face when I walk in the door after work is priceless!! My baby just hugs and hugs me when I first get home.

It's not easy, but if you have to, you have to. Especially if it's for an opportunity that you can't see passing up.

[mami1323]

I hear ya on that one.  I don't either.  I'm looking into Medical billing and transcription.  I haven't done it yet but I will have to soon.  If I find any info I will pass it on to you.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Oh, please do!!  I would love to work from home.  With 5 kids, it's just getting harder all the time to go to work.  I was off on vacation from July 14-18.  So, I came back last week.  Well, wouldn't you know that my 13 month old got sick on Friday, so I had to leave early to take her to the doctor.  She needed to go back Tues. but I told hubby he had to take her because I will have to be gone at least for a morning in a couple of weeks to register my 5 year old for Kindergarten and then a couple of weeks later will be the 1st day of school, so I will have to be late that morning.  It's always something and even though my company never gives me a hard time, I hate when I have to take off so much back to back like that.

Sooooo, working from home would be ideal for me.  And I saw that post.  $60,000!!!!!!!  That's a lot of money to me.  I mean I give my babysitter half of what I bring home as it is, so I work 2 weeks for free!!!!  I love having a big family but it's expensive.  Since I have so many girls, at least they can wear each other's clothes :)

[Quinns momma]

If you guys want to provide me your e-mail address' I can e-mail you the newsletter that I belong to that has legit work from home jobs. It consists of customer service, secretary, medical, finance, collections, etc...

All jobs have been checked w/ better business bureau before they are allowed to post.

[kjbutcher]

do you mean that you dont want to sell avon and stuff like that or you dont want to be in the sales field at all?  I just got a work from home job with State Farm with a nice salary plus commission.  I can give you the details if you are interested.  It is basically part time with a full time salary.  Almost like being in the office when you only answer phones, but instead of sitting and waiting for the phone to ring for 8 hrs you can play with your kids and do house work until the phone rings.  If the phone doesnt ring, you dont work. let me know if you want more info.

[mlb1234]

Going to work is very hard but it does have its perks too...it's always fun to walk in the door and see my little pumpkin smiling so big, kicking, reaching out for me and sooooo happy to see me!!  There is no doubt she loves me even more than before and Ava will be the same!! :)  
I am not sure what type of work you will be doing but would it be possible for you to work part-time??  That is what I do and it hasn't been bad at all.  My dh watches her while I am at work so I don't have any guilt about it.  If she does something new at least she was with family and not a stranger.  It looks like your SIL will be watching Ava?  If so, that is great!  I wouldn't hesitate to leave my daughter with any of her aunties!!  They are her "surrogate" mommies anyways!  They all love her and I am sure your SIL feels the same about Ava!  An auntie is the next best thing to a mommy!  Your reasons for working are very valid and you do not need to feel guilty about it!!!  She will be in good hands and you are making an investment in her future!!  I feel for you though - it is hard on a mommy's conscience. ***hugs***

[cantwait4baby]

who will be watching your daughter?  My daughter is with my mom and my mother in law so the worry part is not there but I had all the same fears as you when I first started work.  Guess what - when I drove off for work - I put on the radio and I felt like me again.  It was a strange feeling.  I obviously love my daughter more then anything but it was nice to go to work and have adult conversation.  I did not miss any of her firsts and I work full time.  She took her first steps with me showing her how, her first tooth I found - she did say mmmmaaaaa real early when I was not there but they got that on video.

My dd got very ill when she was 5 months old.  Rushed to the hospital, admitted and of course I lived there with her.  When I went back to work a week after her being released I cried my eyes out.  It was so hard to leave her.  That was when I felt she needed her mommy and if she were not with my mom I would have stayed home.

I love being a working mom.  I do not feel like I miss anything.  She is getting quality time with her grandmothers during the day and I make every single weekend an adventure.

I am even starting on #2 next month and going to put my dd in daycare 2 days a week just becasue I want her to have that interaction with other kids.

Good Luck - you are not failing your daughter by going to work

[BabyHardiman]

Just last week, I was one of the ones saying STAY AT HOME WITH YOUR BABIES, and now look at me.  Life changes so quickly, doesn't it?  You never know whats going to come your way, with a little bit of hard work and dedication I can have the best of both worlds.  So why am I sitting here with tears in my eyes?

I will admit that I LOVED working, and I would be working today of course if I wasn't Ava's mommy.  :)  I am great at mastering what ever field I get into.  I'm not sure what I want to do.  My history is Admin oriented, I've been in all different kinds of positions from being an Assistant to being a Corporate Office Manager.  I would REALLY like to be a Pharmacy Tech, but that would require going to school, which I should do anyway.  Right now I would do anything if the money is right (I used to build electric meters too...GREAT MONEY there).  My Fiance' is dead-set AGAINST me working anyother shift but 1st shift... he wants me HOME with him and the kiddos at nights.  

Right now I need to sit down and rewrite my resume... WhoooHooo what fun that is.

I'm going to take this next week and love on my little girl like there aint no tomorrow!

[mlb1234]

Good news:  there is no need to go to school to be a pharmacy tech!!!  My dh is a pharmacist in a hospital and believe me I don't think they have any actual requirements (except maybe being able to add and subtract or do simple calculations) in his hospital.  In fact he was a tech before going to pharmacy school and he just went and applied for it.  He did have a degree in biology but I don't think they are very picky especially if they think you really want the job.  My dh would be very happy just to get a tech that shows up every day and actually works hard!!  If that is what you would like to do just go and apply.  You will probably be surprised!  Let me know what happens!

[RockRose]

BH,  are you making a mistake with this house?  

Honestly,  I think you want to go back to work and that's why you're buying this house.  Your last post,  deep in your heart,  you want to be working but you're suffering because you'll miss Ava.    So,  I get that - I'm not like that,  but I do understand it when I see it in other women.  No condemnation,  I just think you should rest with that thought for awhile.

BUT,  I think you're making a mistake buying this house.  If your mom was moving UP,  and selling the house because she was getting something better I'd feel differently - but I think your mom will be wistful about the house,  and when you make chances to suit your own personal tastes you'll feel torn and guilty.  And when your fiance suggests changes you might think "ooh,  but my mom loved that wallpaper so much".  When you buy a house,  you really wrestle with the seller to get the most out of them,  and they wrestle to get the most out of you.  Ooh,  that's uncomfortable when it's your mom.

My guess is,  you could buy a house in today's market for about what you're paying for rent.   Once you get a downpayment saved,  you can choose a house that's to your liking.  If you don't have money for a downpayment,  BH,  you really don't have any cushion under you and you could go belly up in this market and lose your house and ruin your credit in 6 months time if something happens.

Whatever you want to do about working is your choice,  and I'm tired of nagging people,  but I think you need to really rethink this house purchase.

[kris123]

Did he go back to court once you two had the child you had togeather.  I know here in the state of VA and I am almost postive all other states give a credit for another child.  Ryan's dad has two children other then the one we have togeather - they gave him credit for his two kids which brought childsupport down from 978 to 774.  That a good drop

[New Mommy 2 Be 2007]

well u gotta do what u gotta do i work also and i love it time for myself im also way youner than you so i need time alone and its not as bad as u think i didnt wanna go back at first but then i did and the world is a hard place right now and im working and going to school and my dh works just so we can buy things that we needs its life my mom work and she has 3 daughters my oldest sister 27 me 20 and my youngest 17 she worked her whole life and she still was there for us and she bought us everything she can afford and i appericate that she went to work and not sat home becuz she cared more about us my dad was away for 3 years and she worked 5 days a week we lived with my grandparents then we moved across the street in our new house. And she is still working till this day. I guess everyone thinks different but i  love to get out of the house for a while! lol Almost every mom around the world works theres moms that have to put their kids in a preschool at 6 weeks that i know of, just to pay rent for less than 1000 bucks.

[New Mommy 2 Be 2007]

I do still miss my gorgeous baby boy when i leave but what could i do. I just give him lots of kisses before i leave olol

[pertykitty]

you have to sit down with dh and think it through carefully. if you get into a mortgage that you decide you hate working and missing all of ava's firsts, you are stuck.  if you miss out on this opportunity to buy a dream house, then you will regret it.  

if it were me, id pass it up and stay home.  i say this because i worked with my son and missed so much.  if i could go back and not have that house i would if i meant i stayed home, but that is me.  working isnt a horrible thing by any means, but if it leaves you with remorse its not worth it.  could you not work and rent out the mobile home??   do some daycare?  has dh checked to see if his child support would go down a bit now that he has another child?  all great questions.

now if you think it is something you just cant pass up then go for it.

[BabyHardiman]

My Mom would much rather see us have the home than seeing it foreclosed on.  It's not like you think.  She is unable to work like she used to because she has a bad back, bad knees, bad just about everything... at this point she is trying to get disability, which she has been denied for 3 times, so she has a lawyer working on it.  And you are right, I've struggled with not working in my head for MANY months, not just since Ava has been born, I stopped working when I found out I was pregnant because that was her father's wishes because of my high risk pregnancy.  I don't think anyone transistions into being a MOM overnight especially like I did.. I had just met her dad and fell pregnant within 2 months!  Nope it wasn't an easy decision for me, and I've fought with him for many months about my guilt of not contributing.

This is now a different situation.  We have an opportunity to provide a stable foundation for our children.... I mean who wants to rent for the rest of their lives?  His parents are STILL RENTING at 62 because they never thought it was necessary to own.  Now he is pretty much disabled and his wife still works Full Time plus some to pay $1200 in rent each month.  

There will be guilt either way.  I will feel guilty for not buying the home because who the hell knows what the economy will be like in 5 years.  I will feel guilty if we do buy the home because that will mean I have to work and work HARD.  I want to work hard regardless.  It's not a solid yes or no right now.  

I know how you feel about working moms, and I am sure most working moms agree with what you say.  I wish that this had presented itself at a much better time than now, gas prices are RIDICULOUS, the cost of groceries is RIDICULOUS, the cost of breathing right now is RIDICULOUS.

Perty -

We have actually talked about renting the mobile home out.  :)  It's cool to think that we may be the owners of TWO homes all of a sudden.  We could rent to his parents and cut their rent down to half, or even allow them to buy out that portion of the property.  We have lots of options.

[JJety]

I'm a working mom but I don't have any advice for your situation.  I just have a few general comments as you ponder your decision.

Make sure you want the house for the right reasons and it's right for you & your family.  Don't buy it just because it holds a lot of memories for you and you want to keep it in your family.  You may end up resenting that feeling later, when you miss certain ultra-special days with Ava.

Make sure you figure in the cost of daycare to your budget.  Can you land a job that will pay enough to cover the extra mortgage and added expenses for heating/cooling a bigger house (assuming), and the cost of daycare?

Is the house still in a desirable school district?  If it's a better district, then that's a big plus.

Yes, Ava will love you just as much as if you stayed home.  You get that big grin & wave and "Bye Mom!!!" and they bounce away to go have breakfast with their friends and you get that "MOM!!!!!!! I'm so glad you're here!" & leg hug when you pick them up.  (That's my 3 y.o.)

[pertykitty]

you do what you need to for your family.  i think jjety reminded us all of some great reasons to buy or not buy.  daycare eats a huge chunkc and if it is a long drive to daycare then to work see how much $$ you will fork over.  sometimes it isnt worth the extra bit of $$ when you consider buying clothes for work, gas, daycare, lunches out with the girls, those stupid birthdays everyone wants you to chip in on at work lol.

im so sorry your mom is having health issues.  cant she rent out the mobile home and you live in the main house?  maybe i didnt read it right i have limited time while addy is sleeping and i have to go out and tan haha.  

quinns mama had some great info on some working from home info, i know some dont make more than a few dollars but maybe its worth thinking about.

[BabyHardiman]

Oh, and I don't think my mom is going to care too much about the wallpaper, he's already sat down and showed her the sketch of the "Pout House" he will be constructing from her 100 year old barn she adored in the back yard.  :)

[KCBound]

I am thankful for a good job that allows me the flexibility to always be there for my kids. I hope you also find that kind of job. My oldest daughter started school last fall, and I was able to be there for classroom parties, chaperone field trips etc....all the things the SAHM's do. And if one of kids did something for the first time at daycare, my daycare lady never said. Maybe they did it for me first (walking, etc) or maybe my daycare lady just let me believe it happened that way. :) Yes, I realize there are trade offs for working in and out of the home. It is truly a personal decision, and don't ever let anyone make you feel small for whatever you decide.

I think it is a great opportunity to assume the mortgage on your mom's house, especially if things are tight and it would take many years to get a down payment together. But like the others have said, make sure you want to live in this house for the right reasons, and not because you think you need to.

Good luck to you!!!

[BabyHardiman]

Looks like we are going for it ladies!  

[GNicole]

Good luck girl!! Keep us posted!! I am sure everything will fall into place!!

[mami1323]

Good for you.  It will be tough at first but you will adjust.  Good luck.