I personally could care less. My dh doesn't look at it all that often. I know he has a couple of magazines. I guess it might bother me if he had a problem with it, if he was addicted to porn or something. But he is not, so its not an issue for us! :)
I am a mother now and my perception is not what it used to be. It used to be fine if I walked in the bathroom and saw the "drawer" open (where the stash is kept), but now that I'm a mother I feel betrayed... why? I totally feel insecure right now, and I honestly don't know why. I just want to cry.
I know it's not his problem. He has like 3 magazines, and videos that have been packed up for over a year.
I guess it's something inside of me that I need to fix.
I look at my body and it's not what it used to be. I feel like crying when I look at myself in a bathing suit.
My ex-husband was addicted to porn. He stayed on the computer for HOURS looking at it, day and night. I starved myself for four years trying to stay thin for him, like unnaturally then, I am 5'5" and weighed 104 pds. I even got breast implants to make him happy. I think he has scarred me for life.
I don't know, I just walked in and saw the drawer cracked and my heart fell to my stomach.
You know, I'm not a jealous person to begin with. But when I was like 7 or 8 months pregnant with my first dd, my husband went to a bachelor party. It was actually for my best friends husband. He told me everything they happened, and that there was a stripper there. Normally, I wouldn't care about that sort of thing. I trust my husband, and know he loves me. But I got sooooooo mad! I was crying, everything. When I sat down to think about it, I realized I was mad because my body was like 35+ pounds bigger, and I just didn't feel attractive. It bothered me that he was looking at someone elses body while I was pregnant. That mixed with my hormones was not fun. You could just be adjusting to the changes in your body, and your post partum hormones.
My DH doesnt look that often either, in fact, hardly EVER. the only time he does is on the boat or something. When I visited my family in TX he did but it doesnt really bother me either. Like housofgirls said, unless he was addicted to it that would be a different story. But what DID bother me is when I came back from TX and ran across the site I asked him about it and I guess he got embarrassed and said it wasnt him, that it was probably one of his friends. But emails kept coming to his yahoo and I was like, so they know your email, you obviously had to register to look at something...? I told him I wasnt mad I just dont like being lied to but I kept it light and playful, not mad or anything. and he admitted it and just said he went there twice and then got bored with it. I called him a perv gave him a kiss and that was that. I would be slightly more irritated if he kept magazines around because then it would be like in the same house as ME and also our little girls WILL find it. But hes too lazy to commit to something like that LOL. Actually the sites I find him on all the time are like sailboats, motorcycles, music, etc. and he always makes me look with him. I think its like a natural thing for guys to look every once in a while. But if they are obsessed with it, theres something wrong.
The bathroom is actually his own bathroom, I just went in to do the cleaning. My heart seriously fell to my stomach when I saw it. I don't know it was almost like a protective feeling that I can't explain.
Our sex life is strong, so it's not like he is neglecting me to please himself like my ex-husband did.
Ben told me the other day that he occasionally gets those magazines out or watches a video or two. I was surprised about the videos, but not the magazines. I guess IMO, I just don't want to hear about it. If it bothers you, then yes, it is an insecurity that you have to fix. In the past I had a problem with it. Now, if I'm feeling bothered by it, as much as I don't like to admit it, it's because of some insecurity I have with myself. If it's not an addiction, it shouldn't be a problem. Guys are visual creatures, as much as we don't like to admit that, they are. BUT, they also don't see in us what we see in us. They don't expect us to be those women, we are who we are to them and that is fine (:
At least you can be open and honest about it. As long as you're not harping on him about it, then it's fine that you confide with us ladies. I think every woman has insecurities but our insecurities should not be taken out on them.
I discoverd (just in the past month or so) that dh was looking at porn. I'm sure it's because we haven't been doing the nasty since I'm pregnant and have been so tired, so it doesn't really bother me. I'd much rather him take care of his business and leave me alone. However, if it became an addiction I'd probably be upset. Especially if I found out he was spending tons of money on it (OUR money). If that were the case, then I'd have a word of prayer with him.
I did send him a rather nasty text message, that next time he could atleast close the drawer so that I did not have to feel like sh!t. Then I apologized, and told him that I knew I had over reacted.
My ex-husband used to say the exact same thing when I confronted him about his ENDLESS HOURS on the computer "men are visual creatures", and that is why he is my EX now.. he DID have an addiction. :) Now he's addicted to shopping online for an oversees wife, last I heard anway.
I gotta cut my man some slack on this. My insecurities stem back to my ex, and it's unfair to take those frustrations out on my Fiance'. Someone on here mentioned that they think I may be depressed, and to be honest she may be right. I need to fix what is not right inside of me, and inside of my one-sided little brain. :)
BH-the thought crossed my mind about PP depression, but I didn't mention it. Trust me, I find moments when I lack tact and say things that I wish I could take back, too. Just as long as you apologize and don't turn into a crazy b.itch, you should be fine ;)
I completely understand insecurities! I'm about as insecure as they come!! I also have many trust issues from my previous marriage that I have to constantly remind myself I cannot take out on my fiance. So I completely understand. It shows maturity though, when you can recognize your insecurities, where they are stemming from and trying not to repeat the same patterns with your current relationship. That is not always the easiest thing to do! Matter of fact, it's VERY hard.
It's soooo normal for you to feel insecure after having a baby. I know my body is definitely not what it used to be. As far as porn, I'm actually more into it then my fiance is. Not that I buy magazines or watch it frequently or anything. I just used to like to watch it together. We haven't done it in a while but to me it used to be a huge turn on. Call me strange. I understand how you are feeling though but it doesn't seem to me that he would choose porn over you or anything like that. I think once you lose the baby weight you will feel much better about yourself. You are a beautiful woman, you just have to realize that about yourself.
Here I thought most women would say "BURN THE PORN!!!!", but I got total opposite replies then I thought I would.
One thing that bothers me the most is that one of the magazines features one of his ex-girlfriends from YEARS ago. I know that shouldn't bother me!! But it does. He actually stopped seeing her because she wanted to BE in Porn.
I have alot of butt kissing to do when he gets home. :)
OK, I don't usually have a problem with ex girlfriends either. I have in fact met a couple of my husbands ex's. But I think I would have a problem with him looking at naked pictures of an ex. That is a little different than looking at random people, to me anyway. I'm not sure why that would bother me, but it would. I think it is completely reasonable to request that particular magazine to be tossed. He can keep the rest, but that should go.
im not married and i personally cant say how i would feel if i were married....but if my bf watched porn (im sure they all have) i dont really have a problem with that. as long as they are getting their "kicks" from a dvd, mag, etc rather than going out cheating with some girl or something than thats ok in my thoughts. but i dont want a guy whos got a library FULL of pron!
and exs.....my sons father use to bring up his ex all the time (all of our friends were really good friends with her) but he would say things like "oh gotta see my ex KAT" "or oh KAT wouldnt do this" etc he would bring her up at least once a day! well after he left. we became like really goood friends. we talk at least once a day. and you kno what he did the same thing to her as he did to me (other than getting her pregnant of course) and its really weird when we go out we just laugh at the stupid things he would say or do and stuff. but if he had. but yeah if he had one of her.....yeah forget that one
me and my sons father arnt even married yet and I would not be OK with him looking at porn. I am very greatfull that Joe isnt into that. My dad was addicted to porn and it broke my parents up, he is a great man but it just hurt their marrage so much. My mom is such an insecure person now that her currant husband cant even leave on victorias secret commercial without my mom flipping.
Well the one with the ex should go like everyone above said. That just hits too close to home. Maybe you and him could get some movies and watch them together. It may change the way you feel about it and like spade said, it could boost your sex life.
Our sex life does not need a boost TRUST ME. He has a high sex drive, and sometimes I NEED a break.. things can get a little sore if you know what I mean.
I'll tell you the truth, which is kinda funny. I don't know which magazine she is in. He wanted to show me when we first started dating, and I said I didn't care to see her. So, I don't know which one she is in. Of course I know she is oriental, but almost all the mags have an oriental woman in it... oriental women are beautiful, and photograph beautifully. I know she was featured in or around 1999, but MOST of his magazines are that old. He has like 2 that were published in 2002 & 2003.
I've already apologized for overreacting, and now I guess I can't take it back..lol.
We do have movies, and they do nothing for our sex, honestly we tried watching them a couple of times and all we did was focus on each other, and laugh because it's strange to hear all the mouning and grouning in the back ground.
if it's my dad?? I HHHHAAATE IT!!!!!! *gets chills all over* uhhh GOD! please...... yuck!
not so long ago my mom told me that she caught my dad watching a porn channel..... and that she asked him 'what the hell?!?!' and he was like 'uh.... what?'....
God! that irritated the **** out of me..... (yeah, it was in my house..... )
we unfortunately have that package with all the latino channels and comes with that damn porn one.... urgh!
a year or so ago, after one of dh's friend (by the way I can't stand that a$$%#%le!) stayed over... i came downstairs next morning and to my surprise, when I turned the TV on....well... it wasn't pretty.... so i confronted my dh... and he said he was watching football with Jerry and then he came to bed and Jerry told him he was gonna stay watching TV a little longer.... hmmmm.....
If it is dh?? i guess i don't mind much..... I just feel sorry for him since I've been pregnant I've just become a sexless be#tch! lol!!!! I can care less about having romance in my life! in fact, being a latina is kinda odd im acting this way, but believe me... i am happy if i don't have sex for a year... im fine with it! lol ;)
I'm still very self concious about my body... =( still 6 pounds to go... and I got a pouch, a nice muffin top..., a line along my belly...., huge nipples.... (and sometimes uneven brests, since Maddie just finishes one side most of the times), a nice cesarean scar accross my belly and two brown scars from my lap a year ago.....
About ex's?? uuuuuuuhhhhhhh, that one makes me think...... twice....
His ex is an obsessive beotch and she, after years of 0 communication between them, contacted him telling him pretty much she still has feelings for him..... she has 2 kids now!!!!! and married and all!!! WTF!
So yeah, i made sure she had it REAL clear who she was trying to mess with.....
What's up with those ex's? I can't get why after so many years they still hang on. My friend is going through this with her now ex-boyfriend. One of his ex's called her and told her she still had feelings for him and they haven't been together in years. That to me is absolutely pathetic. Move on, let it go...geesh.
My Fiance' had an ex contact him not too long ago (not the one in the mag of course) and she was 8 months pregnant with her third child. I guess it was the season... maybe it brought back memories or something and she just felt the need to call him???
I called her, she didn't answer, so I texted her and she said "just curious to know how he is?"... that is not the only one that has contacted him either. It's the curiousity I guess.
You know, I think about my ex's every now and again and wonder what they are up to but I wouldn't even dream of calling them. They are ex's for a reason. I'm in a relationship with a child. That's where my heart is at and I would be extremely pissed off if I found out my fiance was talking to his ex. Well the one's he doesn't share children with.
I agree with mami1323, I dont see any reason to talk to ex's (and especially see nude pics of them!) if there are no children involved. I would be upset if some ex of my hubbys started calling "just to see how he was" or something like that. Or vica versa. I dont care how close they were.
Well, I don't think she will be calling again. When she asked "just curious how he is", I said "well he's working on his 4th kid", her response was "well I'm working on my third". It was soooo stupid the reason she texted him. The world is filled with tards these days.
i have a response to how you feel as a new mom and a wife whos fiances ex is in the mag he is wackin it to... throw them out. i normally dont have an issue if my dh wanted to look at some, but you are vulnerable right now. one has his ex in it and well what would any of us say if it were just a pic from years ago rather than a mag?
you need to have your feelings validated and you might need to speak to your dr about them. BUT he needs to be compassionate and realize that a magazine isnt worth your stress level. maybe ask him to throw them away would be more mature than to just toss them yourself, but you can figure out what is best for you.
i feel for you, looking for a new job, a new baby, issues with porn or the birthday trip from weeks ago. a new baby shouldnt cause so much sadness and distress, maybe it is ppd and you can find a simple fix from your dr. hang in there girl, it does get easier!!! i can relate to how a past love that has really hurt you can trigger feelings in a newer relationship. but remember its not his fault that you were hurt the way you were and he might not "think" about what he is doing as painful to you, just be open and talk about it all with him. he sounds like a loving man to you and i bet you can work this out!! hugs!
You know, that is a good point. If I did have a problem with any porn my husband has, and I asked him to get rid of it, I know he would. I can't imagine that your fiance would pick the porn over you. If it really does bother you that much, then he should respect that and get rid of it. Even if it is just for now, while you are dealing the the post partum issues. And just because a lot of us here don't have a problem with our men looking at porn, doesn't mean that you are the same way. Everyone is different. It obviously bothers you, so I think you really need to talk about it with your fiance. Don't freak out on him or anything, but maybe just explain that it for some reason bothers you right now, and you would feel better if it was out of the house.
I was wondering when you were going to chime in girl.. you always know how to give it to someone strait up!
Of course having a baby is not THAT stressful, I talk about the good and the bad on here. Sometimes it's easier for me to get a total strangers opinion rather than discussing my insecurities with my mom, or others that are close to me.. ya know?
I haven't really discussed porn bothering that much when HE does it, I have stressed my past, but now how it effects me now. Now, I have a child, and NOW my body looks like C R A P.. and that is the problem in MY head.
I think the magazine has always been a bragging tool for him to be honest. All of his friends know about "her"... it's like a keepsake or something. How can you say .. OK honey you can wack off to total strangers, but not her?? Right now I don't want him wacking off to ANYONE, she is really a none issue in the whole spectrum of this topic. Why the hell does he need to look at another woman's naked body? Now I'm starting to get tweaked.. because it is not OK with me, and houseofgirls is right, just because it's OK for some doesn't mean that it HAS to be OK for me. Damn it all. :)
Thanks for letting me vent ladies. I always love reading all the different points of views. I got PM's from ladies who disagree with porn, they did not want to post on the thread to start a fight.. so there are some of you out there who feel my pain. :)
i know it seems like such an odd thing to say you can do it to strangers but not to an ex, but that is because there were feelings with that woman at one time. there is always that remote possibility of her walking or trying to walk back into his life. the strangers cant. they really arent real women in his eyes just a fantasy. thats my view on that. so she has a hot body, so she is in a mag or movie, does she have a brain? does she have his baby? does she have the possibility of her medhelp biotches kicking her,,,haha jk got away with that.
i didnt mean having a baby was stressful but that the numerous feeling you have been having associated with a new baby is stressful . its great to get a perspective from strangers than friends or family.
I think it was funny reading that some women actually wished their husbands who go wack off rather than bother them. :) Our relationship is still in it's infant stages... one day I'm sure I'll be on of those who sends their man off to wack off in the bathroom. :)
Porn is NOT allowed in my house!!!!! I have a problem with my DH looking a other naked women, I should be the only woman he sees naked!! I think looking a porn is cheating. I told him if I was not enough for him then we could get a divorce and he could find someone else. He now sees my point about porn and he does not look at it. I told him if I ever find a dirty magazine or porn in my house then we would get a divorce. Me and DH have sex everyday or every other day and I feel that there is NO need for him to have to look at porn. I satisfy him, not some wh*re in a magazine or on a disgusting DVD. I think porn is evil and it can ruin a marriage, especially when most men hide it and look at it all the time. I just dont get it, what can a fake naked woman do for them that their living, breathing, warm wife cant do for them?
wow becca tell us how you really feel lol. you might have to understand men in order to really understand that question. not all men feel the need to look, but i bet almost if not all men have had a thought about a hot nasty trampy woman lol. i dont want to turn this into a fight, its just the way some men are. now after saying that yes porn can ruin a marriage, some are more interested in a pretend life than real life.
anyone ever want to be a porn star when they were younger? lol JUST KIDDING.
I believe it is how men are raised. Boys are allowed to look at porn when they are young, somehow they always seem to be able to look at it (their friends have it or their fathers have it). Girls on the other hand are not allowed to even think about naked men. They are told they have to wait until marriage for sex but it is ok for boys to have sex before they are married. I will raise my son, if I ever have one, to view a naked woman as something beautiful and something he should wait to see not something that is trashy. Porn is degrading to women, it gives boys and men unrealistic ideas on what women should be and how they should act in the bedroom. The last thing I want for my son, is to think that it is ok to c*m all over someones face! It is disgusting! How would people feel if their daughters were looking at naked men with 9 in penises?
YAY!! Another woman speaks out against the evil Porn!! :)
It ruined my marriage, but I guess that was a good thing, because I wouldn't have my little Ava right now had I stayed married to that freak. Can you belive that after we were married he pulled out a magazine, flipped to a naked girl and said to me "this is what I want you to look like", this woman had **** the size of China, a 22 inch waist, and the rest of her body was just skin and bones, I swear if she ate a pork chop it would look like she was 9 months pregnant! After that, it went all down hill from there. I was so obsessed with his obsession that I woud hide little mirrors behind his desk to reflect what was on his computer screen, and 9 times out of ten that @sswhipe lied to me about what he was doing... finally one day I pointed them out and he got P!SSED at me.
I have a low tolerance for porn now as you can see. I discussed it with my Fiance' tonight and of course he blammed it all on his friend that was over for the weekend... which just happens to be my moms new boyfriend.... I will of course not tell her about this.
I felt so fillthy today when I walked in and saw that drawer gapped open. Some of my feelings lately are probably from PPD, but I think this feeling is justified in that I felt betrayed. Knowing that he has a high sex drive scares me sometimes... I know I should be thrilled because I enjoy our sex life, but at times I often wonder if I can fulfill all his needs as a man. I HATE thinking that he must feel the need to get his visual satisfaction somewhere else.
I totally know how you feel. DH grew up in a house were his mom and dad would look at porn together. I however grew up in a house were my dad would hide his porn from my mom. They would get in fights over it and he did finally throw it out after he was caught cheating on my mom. I HATE porn!!! I think it is totally disgusting. Who wants to watch nasty naked people moan and pretend. Those women are so FAKE. Now if they made porn with big girls with cottage cheese thighs would any man want to see that? Me and DH got into a pretty big fight in our first year of marriage because of porn. He grew up thinking porn was ok to look at. I grew up thinking porn was nasty. Well after he could see that I would not be married to him if he kept looking at it, he gave it up. It is not that I am insecure about myself because even though I am not a skinny girl I am comfortable with my body for the most part. DH has never made me feel fat or unsexy. Even when I was pregnant he made me feel beautiful. When I was pregnant I HATED the though of sex, I had NO desire to have him touch me in anyway but I told him we could schedule sex on wed. and sat. that way I could mentally prepare myself for having to do it:) I even told him he could wack off if he wanted too but he was NOT allowed to use porn to do it. Men do not NEED to look at porn, it is something they grow up thinking they need to do to be men. I feel like if DH looked at porn he would be cheating. In the bible it states that even lusting after someone is considered adultery, so I do not want my DH lusting after some wh*re in a magazine. He has a warm willing (and sometimes not so willing) body in his bed. If he wants to look at someone naked all he has to do is pull back the sheets:)
What a j... your Ex! I tried to reply yesterday but lightning struck in the middle of it and my thoughts were wiped out with a blank screen.... Just wanted to say that new moms as well as new dads need lots of time to come to grips with the new tone of the relationship once you have your first child together. It is a great enhancement to create your own little family but it is not easy to suddenly combine all these feelings. On one hand you are so aware that you will nurture this little new baby until the end of your days, well more or less, on the other hand you still are the "hot mama" or whatever you were before. I bet your husband is going through the same emotions - and sometimes on the way to redefining your relationship, porn magazines may just be the "old-and-trusted" because the new reality takes a while to adjust to. Even though you are once-bitten-twice-shy in that area, don`t take it to heart, it really sounds like you will be doing well. As long as you don`t feel you have to resemble any of thes fake images, whether it is pressure you put on yourself or by him. If ever by him, knock him over the head with his bathroom drawer!
heheheh I don't think I'd 'like' it if I see my dh looking at it.... it'd be funny as heck, because I know how akward he is... so I'd bust out laughing... and I know he'd be embarrassed to death...
But really, what man doesn't look at porn!?!?!?! (or haven't anyway??), and if they say they don't, they're either big fat LYERS or gay!! in which case, they'd look at gay porn! lol
Don't get me wrong, i think it's kinda yucky... but yeah, at this point, .... as petered-out as I end up at the end of the day...... I'm up to the 'oh hunny, go j-off away! it's ok! ....good night!' idea.... ;)
I re-read my posts and I put down that he only had 3 mags which is WAY off from the truth. I guess I wanted to try to make it look like he wasn't that "into" porn. But the truth is he has a drawer full of magazines, but the last one he bought (in that stash anyway) was in 2003.
My husband does NOT look at porn because he loves me enough not to. I am not saying that if anyones husband looks at porn then he does not love them. I am just saying that DH knows that I HATE it and respects me enough to NOT look at it. He knows that if I EVER found it in my house or found out that he was looking at it that we would be done. He loves me more than he likes looking at porn, so porn is not a problem in my house. I just dont know what is so appealing about porn, if men have wives to look at and wives to sleep with why do they have to look at that c r a p. I dont believe that BS about men being visual creatures. DH can see me naked anytime he wants, why would he need to look at other naked women. He does not. I guess I am a different kind of woman in thinking that I should be all the woman DH needs period.
well personally it doesnt bother me he never watches it alone the only time he watches it is when we are home alone and we get in that mood we watch it together sometimes just to get things goin try that see if he is comfortable with that if you are try making him one yourself see if that interest him i no it all sounds weird but its worth a try
We really didn't discuss it in depth. I would never ask him to throw them out, because he does understand my feelings on the subject, and if I asked him to it would mean that he is getting rid of them for me, and not because he doesn't want them anymore. He told me that his friend went through the drawer, and that he is the one who left it open. I don't know, I didn't go into that bathroom until yesterday. We talked about the kiddos and how he would feel if they found "the stash", and he said he had thought about that too, and that it would be very difficult to explain why a naked woman would have her mouth on another woman's private parts (YUCK!!). Anyway, it doesn't tweak me until I actually SEE that he's been in that drawer. :) I don't look for any signs, and I don't hyper focus on if he's looking at it or not.
Life is just too darn short to be worrying about this stuff. It doesn't consume me like it did when I was married to the feak-a-zode that spent HUNDREDS of dollars and HUNDREDS of hours wacking his little weiner in front of a computer. His screensaver was a flowing mass of naked women spread eagle with fingers, toes, and whatever else they can find to penatrate themselves with... makes me want to VOMIT thinking about it.
My fiance' is NOTHING like my ex, and I'll be damned if I'm going to make him feel awkward in our home ever again. I could tell that he didn't want to be around me yesterday for going off on him for something he didn't even do. WTF?
well the kids in the home and mags in a drawer are a bad combo. maybe he could find a better way of keeping them in a more inconspicuous spot. he sounds nothing like your ex, but remember that marriage is about expressing our feelings and our thoughts, and if you need to talk to him about it, he can handle a moment of awkwardness right?
if he gets rid of them for you who cares, if its a choice that makes you happy then why does it matter how they are removed from the house? i can see you are having conflicting feelings about this, i would too. we want to make peace in the house and keep our men happy, but we also need to be happy and sometimes a little sacrafice is warrented. whether it be because they want to or because we want them to.
just remember that you felt awkward and disgusted, be it a reason that is right or not you have every right to make your feelings known so dont feel as though you have done wrong here. i wasnt there so maybe you went about it the wrong way but last time i checked you were human ;) we all make mistakes, and we learn and grow. dont beat yourself up about it.
Yeah, the magazines should not be kept anywhere where a child can get to them. That is an easy fix regardless if you guys choose to keep them or toss them. I would NEVER want one of my girls to come across any porn.
what would his feelings be if you and your girlfriends were hanging out at home checking out porn that included an ex of yours? im not trying to stir anything up but i bet he wouldnt feel as masculine.
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