Broke down today

[crwriter]

No bargaining here.  I cannot run.  omg I can no longer run.  I am in mourning.  I will probably never run again.  I feel like such a child.  How do I come to terms with all these losses?  It's not like I did not expect them to come at some point in my life, but now the moment is here, and I do not know if I can bear it....

[crwriter]

Thank you for all your thoughts.  I did buy myself a mega treat in a new laptop, telling my son he can pay the insurance for the house this time, (He makes $65 an hour right now.) and will find a way to deal.  I have a therapist; although she is on vacation right now.  We shall see when she comes back.  She seems very nice.

[maestro1959]

I am so sorry for the pain of loss you are feeling.  I have been down this road already.  I was a long distance cyclist, and can no longer ride.  My balance issues took that away about a year ago.  As Spring has begun I am again mourning this loss.  I think it is something we never totally relinquish.  I am certain running season will again bring that feeling of loss.

In coming to terms with it, I had to chose to take a positive away from it, though.  I am driven to work hard and once again ride, even for a moment.  I know I will not be doing any long rides without a miracle, but I am striving to just get on a bike.  That is the challenge I now have accepted.

You can persevere through this.  I believe having this disease makes us stronger in many new ways.  Work through the pain, the loss.  Then see what new challenge it can hold for you.  My mantra for this year is, "What does not kill me makes me stronger."

My heart is with you.

Beth

[jensequitur]

I'm in the same boat - I can't go for a run, or even a jog, because my right foot keeps stubbing the ground.  If I work out at all, I get on the elliptical trainer.  Worst of all, long car drives are now out.  I can drive in town, but I get too tired to drive safely for more than an hour.  I deal with it one thing at a time.  Sometimes I fight the reality, and sometimes I just find another way to deal with it.

[LisaJF]

The moment something out of our control takes away the very thing we are able to do since toddler stage and that is to run is a loss.  That something is a disease that appears to strip our very own independence and the way we live our lives.  We view things differently when we take things for granted such as walking and/or running -- only when it is taken away from us is when we realize what value we have had in the physical abilities we used to do.  Even with people who have cognitive dysfunction and deteriorates to the point where it interferes with their careers that they worked so hard to get there (college, training) or worst yet, activities of daily living (getting dressed, bathing/grooming and the like).  

It is a loss that you are experiencing and it is normal for you to feel this loss and do not suppress it, keep sharing with whomever will listen and who care.  I know we all do.

I can't say I know what you're feeling because I do not. But I do want you to know that I feel your pain and it breaks my heart that you are going through this.  

I was told when I was a child that "everything will work out -- it always does".  It is not always to our liking but eventually, YOU will persevere, YOU will overcome, YOU will not allow this disease to take your spirit.

I would agree that psychotherapy could also help, even if you have supportive family and friends and US (of course I'd say that).  Nothing more worth investing is the time to make you mentally and spiritually strong.  No shame in doing so.

My heart goes out to you and know that I will say a prayer.

Sincerely,

Lisa

[magda_s]

I am so sorry that I can't offer anything that might be of comfort. Your pain just struck a chord in me because I am a runner and maybe will be forced to give it up one day. I am so truly sorry. But, although unrelated to MS, I have accepted some pretty major 'new normals' in the last few years and it is amazing what we are able to accept when we really have no choice. I pray that you find the courage and peace you need to accept this. I have no idea if I would be able to do it if I cross the bridge of this particular loss but generally I find a way to see the glass as half full. I have a 'vision distrubance' (I am unable to explain it. Not double vision but something) and I find it difficult to look at my little girl playing. It was doing my head in and then I realised that I AM able to SEE my little girl and I am grateful that she is there to be seen and that I have sight with which to see her. If watching her play is a little difficult... such is life.

[Sparkysarah]

I think that it is ironic that we talk in terms of being on steps of our MS journey and yet it is this very term "steps" that we lose. I feel your pain and loss as it is hidden away inside me of the day that this happens for me.

Comig to terms with these losses is about expressing them and you have made that first step here by acknowledging them. It may be helpful to find a therapist who you can see regularly to help you work out what is going on for you and to help you find a way of coping with everyday life and what is your new normal. Accepting this new normal is not easy and you will go through many of the emotions of mourning and bereavement so give yourself some slack and allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. Find ways of giving yourself some treats to help you relax and find pleasure and allow yourself time to take on board what you are dealing with.

With best wishes

Sarah