MS and Depression, my take

[HVAC]

With Winter and the holidays my old nemesis depression tried to move in, but I decided not so fast.

My life with MS started in 1965 only no one had a name for it so it was basically ignored. I saw Neurologists through out my childhood for an unexplainable condition. For better or worse I did not know I had a Neurological Disease and not MS. In those days children just did not get MS.

My childhood was filled with coping with double vision, cognitive issues, and depression. For better or worse I was expected to do everything normal kids did. School was a nightmare, so were sports. Try playing ball with double vision or learning to drive a car.

The depression was brain related and I felt guilt for not being normal. As a teenager I was profoundly depressed. Again because no one looked at MS in someone my age I was diagnosed with mental illness and spent a lot of time hospitalized. I hated hospitals so I learned to cope.

Then when I was diagnosed with MS  in my 40's new depression came. First from the guilt of the medical costs. I rarely went to the doctor. Now I ration my medical care but it is eating away at our income. Second I was raised if you can't take care of yourself you do not have a right to be. The "no work no eat" mentality. Third I feared all the worst case scenarios of MS. I was waiting to go blind, etc. any time.

I was a mess at time of diagnosis. Unlike others I never went to the doctor and said I am having symptoms, do I have something wrong? It was Doctors doing exams who looked at me and said there is something terribly wrong. Many said you will be diagnosed with MS down the road and I thought them nuts. The diagnosis took me down a dark path.

Luckily I was smart and got help and was honest. I have been in counseling for over a year and have a great psychiatrist. I also changed my diet gradually and ampted the exercise. I tried different things until I found horse back riding. Everyone is different.

I started to slip again into depression but I was able to pull out pretty quickly this time. First I was honest with myself and others. Then I looked at my tools. I wrote them down at one point because I forget. The thing about depression is when you are in it you forget everything. Sometimes my counselor reminds me.

First I have to reach out for help. Second I have to exercise, getting out on the horse was amazing. Third I need to watch my diet. Forth I have to watch what stimulus I expose myself to, no sad movies, or upsetting politics and that means family politics as well. Fifth I have realize guilt is not valid unless I am not trying at all. Sixth I remember worry is trying to control what I can't so that is a bad habit. Usually if I worry I just get my DH upset and that becomes a vicious circle. Seventh I use SAD lamps when it gets dark at this time a year. Lastly I make a gratitude list. I can honestly say my life today is better than I ever imagined it to be. I have the best husband, I guy in it for the long haul.

Since my diagnosis I have met so many amazing people. I have a new appreciation for my time. I do not know what tomorrow holds so I am not wasting any time. I am taking control of what I can my attitude and my health habits. I realize the health system is set up to fix what is broken and we have a disease which does not go well with that model. In accepting and understanding what help I can get from my doctors especially with my limited financial resources I feel empowered. Instead of being snowballed by a bill I can't pay I now ask the doctor if a test is really necessary. Before I would not have had the nerve to question a doctor. Many are sympathetic when you explain your insurance.

I have a wonderful service dog who helps so much with my mobility. Polly is an inspiration. She came from a rescue deaf taken away from an owner who did not understand and treat her well. Polly is what I want to be a creature who lives in the moment and is excited and happy about life.

I also find learning new things very helpful. If I am home bound I still might have, books or books on CD, TV with history and science or a computer. There has never been a better time in history to travel from your own home. I watch Youtube videos of music and other things. My favorite is about a horse called Moorelands Totalis. Ren happened on him and asked if I knew of him. She is not a real horse person but was amazed. I love learning new things.

So if you find yourself sliding or in depression. Say it out loud I am depressed and accept it. Realize your thoughts and what you say to a loved one are filtered through this distorted dark lens. Take some action. Depression goes with inertia. Do something positive and you start to move out of it.

Alex

[rendean]

I agree with Lisa this should be a Health Page. It is filled with great information and a bird's eye-view !!

[HVAC]

Lisa,
  My depression was brain related and situational. Everything was so hard for me and no one could see it. Mostly my parents and teachers thought I was not trying hard enough or was overly sensitive. Movement of any kind around me was a nightmare with my double vision. So were stairs. Catching a ball. My language difficulties meant I could not read or follow directions for a school assignment or test. I had a high IQ so everyone thought I was not trying. I was sick a lot with no explanation which made my mother very angry. Trying learning to drive a car with severe double vision. Or learning anything else. Then my self esteem took a big hit because I was deemed lazy, or crazy, or stupid by most people I encountered.

My Psychiatrist thinks my depression is all from the MS and I was misdiagnosed with many psychiatric labels.

The good news is I overcame it and gained many talents on the way. Most of my darkness now comes from Guilt for having MS and worry about having MS. Also I am good at turning anger on myself.

Alex

[Guitar_grrrl]

Alex, I really think this post needs to become a health page!  So positive, while not ignoring the deep, dark, bottom of the well blues.

I've dealt with depression on and off since I was 10.  Makes me wonder if it was MS stuff?

Anyway, Thank You!!

Lisa

[sadie405]

I have struggled with depression most of my life and your list for staying above the surface is quite good-- thank you for bothering to put it all down.

Sadie

[Sparkysarah]

I have always found your posts inspirational and this one is no exception and I feel could really help someone else who is depressed.  You have shown how acceptance of the condition is empowering and is NOT a weakness, but it is necessary to face it not fight it.

Your way of facing it, is to use the coping strategies that help you personally, and for everyone this will be different. You are also blessed with a husband who supports, loves and understands you and I think that this is key and not everyone is so lucky.

So Alex I just want to say thank you for your honesty, integrity and ability to reach out to others when you need it..we are all here for you just as on so many occasions you have been there for all of us.

With love

Sarah x

[rendean]

Thank you for sharing how your life was from the start and how , as an adult, you have learned to cope with the hand dealt to you.  It takes a strong person to put this out for all to read and learn from.

Thank you again for your insight and lessons learned!

Ren

[johnniebear]

Your are fine example of what makes this forum the best.

I thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.



your friend

JOhnniebear

[Wobbly]

I feel like this time of year doesn't help with depression.  I'm not good with darkness all the time and I try to keep myself going through this season.  

You have been through so much and it's good that your here to let others know.

take care friend
wobbly

[RedFlame]

Thank you for having the courage to share your life with us!  You have been through so much in your lifetime.  

Unfortunately, mental illness has such a stigma that people are afraid to look for help.  It is another illness that is invisible.  People don't take it seriously.  Depression is a serious disease that kils thousands every year.  Emotional pain is devastating.

Red

[wiggles94]

Hi Alex,
Thanks for sharing your amazing story.

I am so glad that you have been able to create a better life for yourself - and have empowered yourself with the help of some wonderful people and animals!

Gratitude is an awesome thing, and your posting is full of it.  Thanks for reminding us!
Feel well.
Carol

[marymoto]

hi i just wanted to say hugs to you alex for having such a wonderful positive attitude.