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147426 tn?1317265632

OT - Rant and Pity Pot Party

I was a hard day yesterday into today.  I was actually minding my own business night before last when about 9pm I misjudged the distance of a straw while I was trying to lick the spilled Frappuccino put of my Starbucks cup.  I bent the straw away, but it flipped back and kind of scratched my eye - probably right next to the cornea.  Very uncomfortable, so I keeping it closed.  About 10:30 Mother got up to get something in the kitchen.  Out of the corner of my good eye I saw her topple to the ground like a tree.  I got up and scurried to her side seeing that she was twisted like a pretzel.  (spoiler alert - she's fine) Her first request was to untwist her legs.  Mother is only 5'2" - how in the world could she get her legs around each other so many times from there to the floor??  I was confident that I could unravel her legs, because of all my practice with yarn.  I took one over the other a half a dozen times and she sighed in relief.

I called to my sister, Ann, who is our caretaker and taker of charge of things.  She stumbled up the stairs slowly because the arthritis in her hips is acting up and she'd had a couple beers.  It's always a conundrum to figure out how to get my petite mother back up.  She can't feel her legs and they act much like my underwear - with a life of their own.  We decided to try for Ann to lift her with the gait belt around her underarms and for me to block her ankles to keep them from sliding out.

It took me a full minute to get to the ground.  Once there I had no reassurance that I'd be able to get back up.  We made a good effort to execute Plan A.  Ann got Mother's hips off the ground and I kept them from sliding out.  So far so good.  We paused for a moment as her hips just swung side to side.  Mother couldn't take it.  Back down.  In my mind we were as effective as a tipsy jackrabbit and a one-eyed unicyclist trying to right the Concordia.

Now, the situation is worse.  The alert among you were shaking their heads as I purposefully!!! got on the floor.  What was I thinking???  Putting to use all my newfound rehab knowledge I slowly get to my knees.  I was stuck there (feeling again like a beached jellyfish) until my sister could pull my right leg up under me.  This is where it got dicey.  The danger here is that as I raise myself I will get my right foot caught in my left garter and flip myself out through the window.

Once on my feet we contemplate Plan B.  I voted for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.  It would be cool to see them gallop up, but I am not near Canada.  Ann voted for called our hulkiest neighbor.  The pragmatist as ever.  I was still riding my unicycle in circles.  Said neighbor arrived and promptly righted Mom, much like standing up a log on its end.  Mother ended up with some bruises, but will be okay.  I didn't sleep well that night, going in to check on her every once in a while.

So I sleep in the next morning in my recliner in the living room.  (I've been there since coming home from rehab, because Ann raised it up 4 inches so I could get out of my chair on my own.  I can now get out of low chairs and will be moving back to the basement.)  About noon yesterday Ann decides to make pot roast for dinner.  Yummmm.  She puts the roast in a large pot and sets the burner on high to sear it   Then promptly she leaves for the store.

I learned several things in the next half hour.  Eleven screeching smoke detectors going off in unison wakes me up standing.  Burning roast stinks.  She has a tendency to over-sear the meat, but Come On!  The house was filling with thick, choking smoke.  The cats were running madly around in all directions!  I lurched off to the kitchen to see the pot, its lid rolling around and belching smoke.  Turned off the burner and grabbed the "stay cool" handles of the pot.  As it came up, I could see the orange-white glow like an electrical monster.  The pot was gurgling and jumping and belching as if the beast was going to leap out.  Another difficult move was trying to open the back door with both hands full of the pot which was threatening an incipient eruption.  Once on the deck I had the presence of mind not to set it down on the wood.  Instead I rested it, popping and belching along, on the BBQ.

Then it was lurching around the house, opening the windows and doors and turning on fans.  The side of the house where my mother was was clear.  I checked on her, reassured her and closed her door, when the phone rang.  It was my sister apologizing.  We didn't have pot roast that night.  Can everyone say PIZZA together?  Also, my asthma kicked up and I've been needing my inhaler.

Needless to say that that kind of smoke permeates everything.   We stink around here, but it is slowly getting better.  I found a mouse carcass which had apparently died of smoke inhalation or a heart attack.  We await the ME's report.  No surprise - there were no raccoons coming for food that night.

grumble, grumble......
12 Responses
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5112396 tn?1378017983
Thanks for updating us, Quix.

I had missed this story the first go-round. My goodness! Where to begin?! Sorry to hear about the continued fall-out and the special new UTI in the mix. At least you have those four head of cat to keep you company on the range.

Take it as easy as you can!
Helpful - 0
147426 tn?1317265632
Sorry for leaving all of you hanging.  I was felled by continued wheezing and a new UTI.  Haven't felt like doing much.  I hope to be back this weekend.

Q  :((
Helpful - 0
1689801 tn?1333983316
Even though my English is not perfect, I get your great humor Quix. You sure have many talents. It feels strange laughing while everything is going wrong, but it sure is a good way to deal with difficult situations. It is so much better to be able to laugh afterwards, than being frustated :)

My best,
Dagun,
Helpful - 0
198419 tn?1360242356
Laughing out loud over this.....yarn.... we stink around here...hahah...all the while knowing I shouldn't be!
How good you are to us to lay this out  -- putting us all in stiches - thank God none of you three had to get any of those!
Blender, you need a blender. Add something fruity, and decadent ontop of this adventure.

Now grab that straw before leaning in next time ;)

Speedy recovery wishes to the Quixy family :)
Helpful - 0
5538989 tn?1514398453
Glad everyone is the Q house is okay! Best wishes for a safe, happy and uneventful weekend!
Helpful - 0
5265383 tn?1669040108
This line slayed me :-) ... "I was confident that I could unravel her legs, because of all my practice with yarn."  I am knitter/ hear me roar.  Love it!

I too am sorry for laughing -- just so funny in how you relay these adventures. I'm glad that everyone is okay, and want to encourage you to visit your dentist.  He/she can take those tall cusps out of occlusion so you get your bite back ...
Helpful - 0
147426 tn?1317265632
Everyone is fine.  Ann is chagrined, Mother is sore, but improving and my wheezing is improving.  Turns out Mr. Mouse was trampled to death in a stampede by four head of cat

I also didn't know that you could burn anything in a crockpot.  We routinely leave ours on all night.

I still can't gnash or chew.  Daggnabit!

Quix
Helpful - 0
5887915 tn?1383378780
I feel awful for having a laugh at your expense but I really needed one today & thank you for that. On the other hand I do hope that you, your mum & your sister are all OK. I'm glad you got up off the floor in the end because I was thinking Oh No she's screwed!!!
Have you heard anything from the coroner regarding what the cause of death was in Mr Mouse?
I hope you are having a better day soon. Karry.
Helpful - 0
645800 tn?1466860955
Your story about the roast reminded me of one of my recent mess up with dinner. Quite often I like to try out new things and decided I was hungry for BBQ but didn't wan ti to be pork. So after some thought I decided to make a BBQ rump roast in my slow cooker. What could be harder than that and was fool proof.

The roast had been in 6 hours on low and had 2 hours to go, when I ran out of steam for the day. I mean even tooth picks couldn't keep my eyes open for another minute. OK 2 hours sure I can take an hour nap and have time to wake up fully before I had my dinner.

Well after setting my alarm, which doesn't always wake me up due to hearing problems I laid down for a 1 hour nap. Six hours later I finally woke up. I had no idea you could burn something in a slow cooker, but let me assure you that you can. The roast was all black and hard as a rock. I couldn't even cut into it with a meat clever. I ended up running to the store and picking up some pulled pork to have for dinner.

Dennis
Helpful - 0
382218 tn?1341181487
I feel a little guilty for chuckling out loud but you're just so darn entertaining. I know this is not the first time I've told you that you need to write a memoir, documenting your various mishaps and misadventures.  

Oh, and I have close ties with the RCMP.  I'll put in a good word for you.

In the meantime, tomorrow is another day!
Helpful - 0
5509293 tn?1428531475
That sounds horrendous. You have such adventures. I hope everyone really is ok - doesn't sound as if you are yourself - maybe your sis can give you time with cats and take Mom out for afternoon? Don't know all circumstances, so not sure if that's even possible.
You write so very well. You evoke such vividly visual scenes you could write scripts for television, or a novel - I'd be reading you for sure!!
Helpful - 0
147426 tn?1317265632
I forgot the worst part.  Mother's falling must have maid me tense as my spasticity is worse and my jaw is semi-permanently out-of-whack.  I have a subluxing TMJ disc which has recently been sliding along.  When I bit down just the two tallest cusps meet, but no ability to chew or even gnash properly.

:((  I'm gnashless.

Q  :((
Helpful - 0
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