Total Depression

[debgen]

First of all happy Holidays to all!

I know that it has been a REALLY long time since I have been around this wonderful forum.

Once again it has been a cyclone of a year. I wish I could say "I have MS, but MS doesn't have me" but guess what MS does have me :(

I now need to vent and unfortunately this is going to sound like a pity party. But I guess I can chalk it up to my overwhelming depression.

During this winter, I have been slowly degenerating. I still attend PT every week and I still work out 1.5 hours every day to work on strength, flexibility,balance and strength. Unfortunately my walking ability continues to worsen.
I cannot walk  without usin my cane, even around my house. When I leave my house either  hang on to my hubby or a friend. I often walk with a shopping cart or resort to my walker. Yes, I am truly disabled. It is causing me frustration and depression.

I am truly grateful that I have a wonderful, supportive hubby and 2 great grown sons who live nearby and I am fortunate to see them a lot. I am also blessed to have many wonderful friends who always support me.

That being said, I can't shake this overwhelming depression. I cry a lot and I really feel sad all the time. I often realize that things could truly be much worse. Then I feel bad because  realizing that just knowing thins could be worse is the thing that is supposed to make me feel better.

I also hate that Ed (my hubby) has become my caretaker. He never complais even when he sets up my IV for my at home steroid treatments or drives me to my thousands of doctor appointments and treatments or does 90% oh the housework and cooking. I just feel so guilty.

Thank yo so much for letting me vent. I really never talk about this.

(Hugs)
Deb

[bbassel]

I ccommpletely feel for you and can relate. I was diagnosed in marcch 2013. In the first year I had many relapses. At the begiNing of 2013 I was walking and talking normall and bby august I had become a mess and legally disabled. It is hard to stay positive with this horrible disease and to remain happy. We feel so much guilt for the people in our lives and all they do for us! For me this has been harder than dealing with all I have losst. My oldder brother has asbbergers syndrome and I was always the one that was going to look after him and give my parents grandbabies. So there is a lot of guilt.
The only thing I can share is to remember these people love you and know that you would do it for them :) when u get down just try and focus on that love and realize that you are giving. Bacck to in your own way. Big hugs
Barb

[essdipity]

Hey there, Deb. It's pretty normal to be depressed when our lives more or less implode. If someone in your situation were feeling and/or expressing all sunshine, rainbows and lollipops, I'd think that was weird. Wouldn't you?

Dealing with certain realities is no fun, but sometimes circumstances are not the only culprit when it comes to depression and MS. Are you sleeping fairly well? Do you get absolutely exhausted just trying to function? Are you on one of the interferon treatments? And have you discussed all this with your MS neuro?

Remember that lesions in certain areas of the brain can cause depression directly. It wouldn't matter if you had no other issues--you could still be depressed just from the MS. But regardless, depression and MS go hand in hand. A huge percentage of MSers have it. So please don't just suffer. Have your doctor, whether it's a GP, your neuro or someone else, prescribe you an antdepressant. It could take a while to work, and the first one you try might not be the right one, but persevere.

Also, at least in the short term, find a therapist to help you. I know you don't want even one more medical appointment, and believe me I get that. In the long run, though, this could pay big dividends. It could be a major place to offload your sadness and frustration. I'm sure your husband would be so happy to come home to a happier and more upbeat you. So please consider this, 'kay?

Hang in there.
ess

[debgen]

Thanks so much for your kind words! You and Alex have given me much to think about.
Cheers,
Deb

[debgen]

Thanks Alex :)
You have always been an inspiration to me!
Happy Holidays,
Deb

[immisceo]

So, so sorry to hear this, but glad you are talking about it. Acknowledging it is no small thing. Have you considered approaching the depression directly? It may or may not be a result of the MS itself, but either way you don't deserve to feel like this. I won't pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I will say that availing of counselling and anti-depressant medication since my diagnosis has done a lot to stabalise me. I'm currently in the thick of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as well. None of this is a quick fix, but thinking of how I felt even just a year ago is pretty terrifying. Truly dark times. Staying in the mindframe I am at the moment still takes a lot of work and vigilance if I'm honest, but this is a much happier household these days.

I'm sure you would do the same for your husband if the roles were reversed. It's what we all sign up for in those vows, isn't it? I know that doesn't deal with your feelings of guilt, but I can't imagine he begrudges being there for you. Maybe just let him know you do think of things from his perspective, and if he ever feels too overtaxed you can put your heads together and arrange for a day where he gets a bit of respite too. Acknowledging the needs of caregivers is kind of a recent concept in healthcare, so I think getting on the same page with this between the two of you will go a long way towards managing both your feelings of guilt and his potential stress levels.

I'm not sure if any of the above was of any help. But just know that you're being heard. And that I'm thinking of you.

[HVAC]

I had to go to a therapist and get on antidepressants first for my MS then my cancer. Yes it is hard when our spouses become caretaker but it could be the other way around. It is okay to be sad. I finally realized my guilt and depression were hurting my husband. On top of me being really ill I was upset which upset my husband. Now that I have accepted my life for what it is I am happy and my husband is happier.

Alex