home alone

[nicnic34]

is anyone else living alone? I read lots about husbands and boyfriends picking up a lot of the emotional fallout from living with MS...but i am already at a bit of a loss where to turn to in an emergency.

I have family and friends but have always been very independant (still am!) and I hate asking for help, especially if that help is listening to me moan! I can already see me losing friends because of being 'unreliable' and i don't want to scare people off by being a moaner.

That said though, bottling it all up is pretty awful. Stuck between a rock and a hard place..? x

[foster77s]

I am alone as well, with a 6 year old.  I have two sisters in the area but neither has offered any type of emotional or physical support (much to my surprise).  In the past few months I have seen some pretty frightening moments.  At times in the fall, moments of desperation and uncontrollable fear got the best of me.  While I have a few close friends that I can call on the fall made me take a good hard look at developing a plan if in need.  

I work in Healthcare so I am pretty familiar with alot of the resources that are available in this area.  I did find some helpful phone numbers on the county website, I strongly suggest you do as well.

I reached out to my church. I attend pretty regulary but I have never mingled after services.  I have now and I have mentioned briefly my poor health.  Since then I get regular calls from my pastor and the other staff to ask if I need anything from shopping, to transportation, to just talking about things.  Also alot of larger churches, like mine, have all kinds of groups to join.  Its a good way to meet new people.

Friends-again I have alot of them but I fear I will burn them out with my troubles.  So in addition to their support I started seeing a counselor.

There is nothing to me more frightening than being separated and caring for myself, my child, the dog, my house & property, and trying to work.  What if I cant drive again?  What if I continue to wake in the night with issues and I am alone?  A few of the regulars here suggested to me in November that I needed to reach out and ask for help.  That was difficult for me, but I have done it, and you need to too.

After I quit feeling sorry for myself, got my anxiety under control  for the most part, and picked myself up to fight again I realized I needed a disaster plan.  I do it for work so what made me any different?  I had to reach out and ask for it...it wasnt that bad.

Good luck devising yours and start setting up your support circle!

Terri

[HVAC]

I have a college Professor who lives alone and is in a wheelchair. She is in her 70's but was in a bad wreck when she was young. Well she was my professor 30 years ago. She is such a cool person, there are a bunch of us that have become her family. We take turns making up a bunch of meals to leave in her freezer. We all visit her and do errands. She gave her power attorney to one friend she knows she can trust. We all call or go by every day. If I can't reach her I call another friend and ask if she is okay. There are a bunch of us so we spread it around. I am not sure how it got started.

Heck I need to ask for help. I just do and if one friend can't help,I go to the next. I do not make big drama over it. It is true if all we do is call people up and talk about ourselves it gets old. I call people up and ask about them and how they are doing. Then when I need something it is easier a relationship is there.

Alex

[COBOB]

I think we sometimes forget that we may be considered People with Disabilities (PwD) not just People with MS (PwMS.)  As PwD, we have access to much more than just a Blue handicap placard.    

You might also want to talk to your town/city social services or Visting Nurses Association (VNA.)  Some communities have a "Geri Lamp" or similar "Health and Wellness Check" program where they will call to make sure you are ok on a frequent basis.  It is an automated system that asks you to punch in a number.  If you don't, a human will try to call you and if you fail to answer they will call a contact person.  You just have to call them if you are not going to be at home.  

VNAs can also assist with other mundane things like helping you dispose of sharps containers, etc.  Some even have Mental Heath councilors and social workers that you may be able to vent to.  If you are unable to drive, some communities and transportation districts provide PwD  discounted or free transportation.  Your tax dollars at work.

There may be other resources in communities I'm not thinking of.

Bob

[nicnic34]

thanks to both of you, you have helped a lot. I also have my parents nearby, so to say i am alone might seem madness...but i'm 34! I struggle with the concept of asking my parents for help at an age when they should be cooing over grandkids, not doing my shopping.

I do try and always tell people how grateful i am for help. and you do learn who your real friends are. Will definately try and give back as much as i can, and i try hard to remember that everyone has worries, and (to quote of of these real friends!) 'it's not all about me...' a very useful tool to keep selfishness at bay!!
Thankyou again, this place is great :-)
x

[sg40]

I understand how you feel - it's difficult to ask for help, especially when you are used to being independent. Your true friends will be there for you, even if it's just to listen to you whine every once in a while. I try to remind myself that my friends and family don't mind helping me any more than I mind helping them when they need it.

It might help to do a little something extra for those people in your life when you are feeling well, make them cookies or dinner as a thank you - though I doubt they will feel it's necessary, it may help you to feel like you 'evened things up'.

I am still apologizing a lot when I need to ask for help - and my family reminds me that that's what family is for. So I am reminding you... that's what loved ones are for - lean on them and be there when they need to lean on you. I am still pushing myself to feel okay with accepting help instead of just doing it all by myself, so thank you for your post. Telling someone else what you need to hear yourself helps a lot.

By the way - this is also a very good place to come when you need to moan... we all take turns.

Take care.

[gramorye]

I'm not sure I can be much help or relate quite like you need.  My husband is in the Army and I've seen him about 1month a year (since moving with him is not an option due to my health) and venting to him isn't really an option out of fear of him tiring of it and running off.  I do have a daughter who is going to turn 4 and sadly she has already learned that when mommy is crying just hold her and say its ok.  So I am lucky on that part, though she isn't.  But about friends and family I think I sort of can relate.  
First off my biggest support are my parents, as I am lucky enough to have them around.  But friend wise it can be limited.  Though family can be a great support yet a greater failure when they're not there.  My sister at first tried to use my diagnosis as a pity gatherer for her and then decided my parents were caring for me too much (my MS is so moody I can be almost back to before the MS one day then barely moving the next so they have helped me a lot) so she stopped communicating with them and myself.  It was a stab in the back when support should have been there.  
People I use to hang out with are less interested since my days can range so much that plans get canceled or they're paranoid that I won't be able to "keep up" with them.  My best friend has depression and before my MS diagnosis (which explained a lot of my mental illness that brought her and I together to begin with)  we could relate and chat about anything and everything.  Now she has even asked if my mental illness was really just that and can I still relate to her?  
So my ability to talk about it is limited to my doctors, my mother (who can relate due to her own health) and a few friends who have known me since I was little.  It is very difficult to be going through all the aspects of MS without a network of people to go to, and if you're afraid of moaning to them it can be even harder.  To help though, there are plenty of support groups, online, in person etc to help.  I'm not sure if where you live has any, but there are support groups for MS often funded by local hospitals that take place to help those with MS to interact with others, sometimes they are just a place to moan but you're surrounded by those who can relate.  Though I'm not sure of your mobility but that is an option.  I know I shy away from them because, no one wants to hear me sob, but that is what they are there for.  Also you can build friendships with others that can help if there is an emergency,even if they just call you to check in on you and when you dont respond they know help may be needed.  And forums are there too, amazing how attached to others you can get, though they are not as helpful for emergencies.  
Wow do I babble!  But trying to say there are support groups and MS does kind of give you the right to seek out someone to moan to!  Also you can moan on forums ;)  That and sometimes significant others run away too (just to add to the stressors already there), at least support groups are there for you and can relate.