I am numb

[Jane39]

I am going to ramble here for a bit so please forgive me.  About 6 months ago I was feeling quilty that I had put this cancer behind me and was confident that I was in the clear, being a Stage 1A, but clear cell histology, with 6 cycles of chemo all projected to be behind me,  but for the past month + I've had this gnawing feeling that something wasn't right.  I've had mild twangs on my right side and some bloating.  I stepped up my appt with my gyn/oncologist, exam, pap all normal, my ca125 at the end of June was 5.9, he wanted me to step up my pet/ct scan in which I had yesterday.  My nightmare started when the nurse called about an hour after I got back into my office.  She was dancing around everything but needed me to go back in and get a dedicated CT and another CA125.  I started sweating and literally thought I was going to pass out.  Long and short of it, I have a 2.68 cm x 2.68 cm nodal mass behind my stomach, that had FDG uptake on the PET, and was confirmed to actual tumor on the designated CT.  They will biopsy it to confirm that it is ovarian tumor, but they are confident that it is, and I guess they will remove it and then Chemo again.  They expect me to respond well, as I did the first time to get a 4 1/2 yr remission.  I truly believed that it was never coming back, so as I am sure some of you may know, how devasted I was to get this news.
I hate this cancer.  I have never cried so much in the past 18 hours.  I know I can do this, the surgery and the chemo, but ~~~~~what can I say, I am truly numb at this point.
Jane

[dawnlyn]

Jane,

I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you....I too was dx with stage 1a....You are in my thoughts and prayers.....

Love,
Dawnlyn

[ineedtohavefaith]

Jane, I know I am fairly new here...but you know what? You beat it once...you WILL do it again!!! Nothing but love & prayers...
~Denise

[TrudieC]

Jane, stopped by to see how my friends are doing and was devastated to hear this.  My thoughts and prayers are with you as you reenter the fighting ring.  Kick it hard!

[marie3B]

Enjoy that grandson.  I know my grandbabies are what keep me going.
Thinking of you, Marie

[dian07]

Hey there.  I have been reading and rereading your first post this morning.....I have started to respond on three different occasions.  I can't find the words.
Jane, my nightmare just bit you in the rear !  I am 5 years out from chemo this month.....I have trouble believing it won't return to slap me just as you have been slapped.  
Girl, I am so sorry this has happened to you, but,  I am  glad to learn you have a grandson to love this weekend.  These little people are such gifts of love and laughter...I watch a little granddaughter and am deeply enriched by her.
A day won't pass without me thinking and wondering about you.  
Please know we are all here all the time....you are not walking alone.
Peace.
dian

[Jane39]

Thank you all so much.  I know I will do what I need to do, this crap isn't getting me, I am going to get it.  We know how it is when the air is taken out of our sails though.  It really was unexpected, and I just truly never imagined it would come back.
So I will be in Baltimore Monday morning having this nasty thing biopsied, and then will see my gyn/oncologist on Tuesday and I assume schedule surgery, will recover and jump into the chemo, get it done.  
I have been seeing a doctor in one form or the other almost every 3 months, the last year, I would say every 6 months, because I was getting farther out, and everything has been picture perfect.  I am glad I have you wonderful ladies in my corner.  The encouragement has done my weary soul some good today.  Now I am going home and am going to enjoy my grandson tomorrow and not think about anything, for just a little while.  Thanks again ladies.  I will keep everyone updated.