going backwards

[MYoungAtHeart]

I was held hostage when I was young, there was no treatment for
the outcome that put me on the path to depression with PTSD
so many years ago.  

I have tried to isolate the PTSD from my general anxiety disorder
and depressive disorder, but am  finding I need to actually
address the PTSD and to do that while being kind and gentle
toward myself.  

I write in a journal everyday, but am quite introverted when it
comes to sharing feelings in mostly an extroverted world.

I did have a counselor and we worked on PTSD for nearly 2
years, but all I did was cry for almost the full 2 years.  I think I
am older and stronger now and some of the people involved
in the Hostage incident have passed on which makes me feel
safer in some small way...

Thank you so much, This group/community looks awesome

[MYoungAtHeart]

I went to a HUGE family gathering this past weekend.  There was no panic or pain involved in making the choice to attend.  I combed my hair and grabbed my cameras and drove 30 minutes to get there.  I felt that in many ways I was meeting some of these people for the first time without any old feelings towards them, and if a negative feeling did pop up, I self talked to myself  and gave plenty of hugs and kisses to those who especially were very kind to me in the past.  Of course our family is huge and I didn't know everybody, but I went up and introduced myself to strangers, really really feeling I deserved to take up room on the Earth.....Too many times I felt that all of the worlds problems were due to  my poor choices in the past, but this weekend just found me enjoying lots of good food and other people.  

The past 2 days have found me a bit tired, but now on Tuesday at 11 am, I am making plans for the Thanksgiving Holiday that will probably just be a quiet day alone.

I hope you all have a very peaceful Thanksgiving if you celebrate it....

M

[margypops]

I have only just spotted this I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving and are feeling better .

[ticked]

So my first session with my Therapist he said I am definitely OCD with PTSD along with my GAD. I am trying as you to get past the pain and hurt. I read Toxic parents and man was that book good. Now I have ordered 2 books for healing the inner child. I really feel more positive and I am happy that you didnt have any panic during the huge family gathering. I guess its baby steps for us :)

[MYoungAtHeart]

How did you feel about the doctors diagnosis.?  Did you suspect that is what he would tell you and have you a treatment plan with your doctor?
I can give you a couple of titles that really worked well for me, let me know and I can privately email you with the titles if you would be interested..

And yes, I too have a brand new library of trauma books and have found that what I thought was normal for my family, is in a lot of cases severe neglect....but normal all the same for my family.....

December and January is my worst months of the year.  Even with the SAD lights and journal work lies a deep heavy sadness that I have grown up with and called my only companions, my only friends.  This is the time of year I don't want to work at this anymore. This is the time of year that the work will do the most good, when you can take the worst of the recipe that makes up your life and instead of flushing it down the toilet
you sit in the stew and pick out the ingredients you recognize and
especially those other ingredients that you may have covered in gravy to hide and make the whole mess edible......

I just read in the daily paper that now the experts think that because medication only works on half the patients, that cognitive ( Talk ) therapy
will fill the void for the clients who have not had good results with just meds...
I have never taken meds, its just not something that appeals to me, the meds may be able to lift a mood but have never heard of the meds allowing deep drilling into the psyche. So I stay away from posts where members are asking about this med or that med and what is best and what works well or not at all.  It is not a shunning of members taking meds, its just something I know nothing about and I prefer to post things that I personally have experienced.

Take care and let me know how your therapy is going for you.  This could really be the best time of your life....

M

[MYoungAtHeart]

Hello Margypops, Thank you so much for your nice letter.

I am not a holiday person, holidays bring out all the strange people who normally hide behind the pretty patterns in the living room wallpaper and I stay away....But thank you so much for your note....

My best wishes for you for a wonderful holiday season

M

[ticked]

I totally get where you are coming from. I too get SAD and have for a long time. I was on Wellburtrin for 5 yrs and it really helped with that but at times it made me feel like I had no emotion but now thinking about it I didnt because everything that was going on emotionally in my head. It also gave me anxiety but I had no other side effects. I recently started Cymbalta which for me was a life saver. I feel that I just need them until I start to resolved the emotions of breaking free. I came off the wellburtrin for a year and I felt great but I have other health issues and the meds and the SAD put me back into a deep suicidal depression that scared me as I have no desire to do that.

Meds are not for everyone you are right I wouldnt force them on anyone at all I know for me I need them and I know that they have helped me see things clear and that it has helped me get further and further into recovery.

I am very happy right now and I feel the emotional bondage being ripped off me and I can finally see that light for the first time in 25yrs.

I agree with the diagnoses that the therapist gave me for all of them but I was thinking for sure I had aspergers however alot of the PTSD symptoms coincided so I had to accept that it has been the child abuse that has has been the problem the whole time.

I guess for me it was hard to see that and Toxic parents really showed me that I had to stop blaming myself for everyone and finally put the blame where blame was due and that was at my parents.

I wrote them both letters letting them know how I felt as a child, what it did to me growing up and what I suffered because of it. I got the response I expected from my dad which in case finalizes it for me that I will never try again nor do I care to have a relationship with him. The anger is no longer with me and I have closure.

My mom however never responded but I know that she read it. She is internalizing it now as we speak. if anyone can give me validation its her. If she doesn't that is fine I will still have a relationship with her because she knows that what happened was real and she feels that pain but she has been abused as well and she hasnt even come to terms with that and that isnt my issue but I understand. There will be boundaries still with her too.

Please let me know those books :)