why am i so snappy?

[Nez37]

i have posted here a few times in the past couple of weeks and feel drawn here again tonight to put down the way i feel and see if it helps me relieve some stress. i have been in pain with a bad back since an accident 5 and a half years ago but the past 3 & a half weeks the pain has for no obvious reason increased by a lot and today i feel like i've just had enough. i am married with three kids and tomorrows my youngest daughters 6th birthday. it's a time to be happy and celebrate but i just cant concentrate on anything for any length of time due to the way i feel. i feel like im being so selfish but doesn't matter how much i try i cant relax and be the person i want to be. i am moody with the kids and my wife for no reason and have had a stupid argument with my 16 year old son which to be honest through my own admission got out of control due to me. nothing i seem to do is straight forward or easy and everything i have tried for the pain just hasn't worked from an increase of my morphine to resting to taking it easy etc... you know the drill !!! i now have been really thinking deeply about what i am contributing to my family in a positive way because the only things i can think of are the moods i'm always in, the moaning, not being able to do the  "man things" around the house. i can't see a reason why my wife hasn't told me to do one. i would be nothing without her. she has been my rock through this whole ordeal and i just feel like i'm dragging her down with me. is this just me having a bad spell or does anyone out there know what i'm talking about and understand what i'm saying?.

[JadedSweetheart]

I absolutely understand what you're saying.  I threw up today and almost made it to the toilet and ended up projectile vomiting all over the little alcove where the toilet is.  It was such a mess and I called my husband in and he cleaned it all up and while I took a shower.  I felt SO bad.  Then when I got up I went to put the clothes and floor mats in the clothes washer and knocked over the color-safe bleach which proceeded to bust open and get all over the floor.  On top of all that my neck started hurting worse from the strain of throwing up.  I just went back to bed at noon and slept till 4.
I totally feel your frustration and pain.  It really *****.  I didn't mean to go on about myself, just wanted to share that I've had a hell of a day today too.  My son's birthday is today and he's at his father's house and it's just awful when you feel like your kids will have more fun with their other parents because you can't do anything.
I really hope things get better for you and you are able to enjoy time with your family for your daughter's birthday tomorrow.
Have you seen your PM lately?  If the pain gets really bad it might be worth it to you to go to the ER.  I have been considering it myself.  It's hard to decide when the pain is just the absolute-worst-can't-stand-it and when you can deal with it until bed.  

[scrutinizer666]

i hear you buddy, but i don't think there's much i can do.
chronic pain is hell! Dr's don't wanna hear about it, pain clinics are useless usually,and it's havoc on relationships.
I'm a massage therapist, maybe you can find someone of my profession that could help, massage therapy can go beyond physical work on the body, ways of dealing with pain can sometimes be well known to them.
i have chronic pain for 4 years and it's hell.
try to keep your posture in check, do stretching actions a few times a day (let's say 15 20 minutes) ,and get good shoes.
when your with the one's that stand by you,try to think how much that is helping you,that can be a powerful thought.
plz do talk to a physical therapist and learn some good active stretching movement.
warm showers and massage help me,short walks, and getting as active as i can with whats going on around (basically thinking about anything else but pain).
anyway about "the pain has for no obvious reason increased", sorry to tell you, but imaging of the body still lacks good enough resolution,  your nervous system branches out to such small levels where it's almost insane today to ask "why?",BUT WE SURE TO HELL SHOULD!
maybe a muscle relaxant can help,
even things like papaverine or alprazolam,ask a good Dr about muscle relaxants.
as self help to relax myself i deal allot with plants,tending,splitting propagating, and enriching soil.
it helps me,find whats good for you.
i truthfully can say "i hope you feel better" (that phrase can turn annoying at times, sorry if thats the case)
enjoy the cake.

[Nez37]

thanks for your reply and sorry to hear that your day wasn't good either. i am waiting to go to a in-patient pain management clinic which will last for 4 weeks and consists of more or less everything from physical activity to psychotherapy and all in between. i am waiting for the initial appointment to go down to london and see them. the funding has all been approved from the local government so hopefully i will be on my way to finally getting some help, it's just this period in between where i seem to be getting no help at all. you said about have i considered ER?. i am assuming that that is the american for our A & E ( ACCIDENT & EMERGENCY ). if this is correct then i went there a week ago as i was at the hospital for another appointment not related to my back pain problem. i thought that my back was broken again as this has happened twice before for no reason as i have severe osteoporosis on top of everything else ( and i'm only 37 ). anyway to cut a long story short i was there from 4pm and at 9pm after x-rays and tests they admitted me so that they could arrange for an ambulance to take me to another hospital an hour away for an MRI scan, on the condition that if nothing was found they would get me back to the first hospital where i would stay till the morning and then be disscharged. i finally got collected by the ambulance at 01.00 and arrived at other hospital at 02.00. they then started to put me in a bed and when i told them that i had an arrangement about being scanned and if nothing i would go back. they just told me that they wouldn't be doing it that night and that it would be done in the morning. after seeing two more doctors who both did some routine checks at the bed, i was told that they weren't concerned about me enough to do a scan. they had been told by the first hospital that i had a suspected collapsed disc and that it was crushing my nerves causing the pain.the next morning at about 10am i was seen by another doctor who told me that i was free to go home. i mentioned to the nurses about the arrangement about getting taken back to the first hospital to which the reply was "no, get yourself back home". so after getting collected by my father in-law, the up shot of the story is that after all that i still have no idea what is wrong with me. i dont have much faith in our medical system here.

[Nez37]

cheers for your reply. my wife was told about a friend of a friend that does reflexology and i'm going to find out about it and if possible give it a go. i have tried nearly everything else so i'm willing to give anything a go. i've heard that accupuncture is supposed to be good too, do you know anything about this? you mentioned about short walks and exercise. well i do walk to the local shop on my good days and i don't just sit around i try to keep myself moving. to be honest i can't sit or stand in one place/position for too long anyway. the kids are on the 6 weeks summer holidays from school at the moment till early september but when they are at school, i walk my daughter to school and back.thankyou for all your advice, i will find out about muscle relaxants and maybe give that a go. cheers

[Joyful50]

Dear Nez37, you sound like you have a great family that is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have them.

And I will tell you what got me through some really rough times a couple of years ago when I did not think I was going to make it through another day of the pain, was something that a friend told me last year, "Begin Each Day With a Grateful Heart"  
I know this is just a simple little saying but when I think about my little grandchildren and how lucky we are to have them all healthy now (we almost lost one last year), There are so many things to be grateful for, it seems to help me make it though the rough days.
Maybe it will help to keep that thought when your pain gets the best of you. I know it can, believe me. People just don't understand unless they are in pain on a constant basis. Even the people who love us. I know I try not to let it show for my husbands sake sometimes. He hates to see me hurting but some days ya just can not help it.

Well, I guess I just rambled on a little too much. Not sure If I helped or not.
Joyful50

[Jaybay]

scrutinizer gave some excellent advice.  Distraction is a big part of dealing with chronic pain.  The more you sit around thinking about your pain, the less likely you are to ever get up again.  Staying as active as possible will help you a lot long-term.

Definitely look into the massage therapy, physio, accupuncture - you never know what will help even a little bit until you give it a go.  Meditation and self-hypnosis can be very effective coping tools as well.  On those days that you can't do much physically, are you able to distract yourself with mental activities like reading, researching an interesting topic or doing puzzles - anything but thinking about pain!

It's understandable for you to feel moody and down.  You're looking at your life and it's not what you thought it would be, and certainly isn't what it used to be.  It's a mourning process we all go through, and sometimes move back and forth through.  I'm not sure if I read your comment correctly - are you wondering why your wife isn't asking you to do the "man stuff" around the house?  If you can't do some of your old chores, why not do some of hers?  I guarantee you'll see a huge smile on her face if you just dive in when you can.  It will make you feel more like a contributing member of the family and also set a great example for your kids - including your 16 year old son even though he probably won't acknowledge it.  LOL!  

If everyone is still sitting around waiting for you to "get better" you may need to call a family meeting and set everyone straight.  All of you need to get on the same page and understand where you are medically.  There is no way to give any of them a guarantee that you'll be any better in the future - although that is the goal for all of us pain patients - so half the battle is getting everyone on the same page of reality.  

Take some time and make out a list of things you reliably do no matter how mundane.  Then make a list of things you need help with or absolutely can't do.  Ask all your family members to commit to helping out with the things that are unattainable right now.  Certainly your son is old enough to take on some of the household responsibilities.  

The point is to do this exercise as a family.  I get the feeling you see yourself as an outsider who can't contribute, and that is simply not true.  Maybe your family dynamics are such that a meeting seems impossible, but it's worth a try.  What do you have to lose?  You may just surprise yourself with what you CAN contribute if you give it a shot, and you may be very surprised at what your family members have to say.  This is just one way you can take back some control over your life and begin to get out of the mourning phase.  

Please do stay in touch and let us know how you progress!  :-)

[Tuckamore]

Hi Again Nez,

You are facing what so many of us do....it's the challenges of this journey through chronic pain. Been there.,.,done that. ..still there. My heart goes out to you.

Of course you are snappy and angry. You have experienced a huge loss, You've lost your friend, the fellow you could always count on, that predictable dependable fellow, that strong and supportive guy...your former healthy self. Adjusting to that lost of you can be traumatic. You are most likely experiencing the five stages of grief. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining , Depression and Acceptance.

I think you will benefit from the assistance of a pain management therapist When your appointment rolls around hopefully they will involve your family. They will help to learn to cope with your pain and your loss. Don't beat yourself up. Your reactions to your situation are perfectly normal.

I think it is tragic that you do not have a definitive diagnosis. That alone must leave you extremely frustrated. I doubt anyone is more stressed about your inability to perform the "man things" around the house are you. It sounds like you have a very loving family and a wonderful spouse. Trust them to understand what you are dealing with by sharing your emotions and feelings. You may be pleasantly surprised at their support.

As jaybay said contribute what you can. There are many ways you can do that without just doing the "man things." Your 16 year old son may be happy to help pick up what you are physically unable to do if you teach him. It could be a great bonding and relationship building opportunity. Don't sell him short. Our kids want to know that we love and accept them before anything else. You have many gifts to share with him..

I am hopeful that your 4 weeks of inpatient pain management that includes all disciplines as well as therapy will prove to be very beneficial for you as well as your family. I will look forward to hearing about the results of that in-patient treatment. Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing.  

Take Care,
~Tuck

[Zoso0]

We all have been there and many are still trying to adjust to our painful bodies.
I've been in Chronic Pain for 17 years soon to be 18.  It took me 12 years to stop fighting myself. I just recently ask for home health care for i'm not able to clean my apartment and do the grocery shopping, that was a huge step for me for i have been the back bone of my family. I have found that i can still do many things just not as fast as i once did, you have to adapt to a whole different life style. It is very hard to accept the limitations that we have now. Remember you are not alone.  Talk to your family and tell them how you are feeling so as they may understand and in opening that line of communication you will start understanding yourself. Strange huh? But so very true.  Please let us know how you are adjusting. Zoso0