4 year old with distressing new behavior

[OLDCOT]

I have a 4 year old daughter who has developed some distressing behaviors in the past 6 months and I am not sure what to do.

She is the youngest of 2, her older sister is 9 years old.  The 4 year old was full term and an incredibly easy baby, doing everything on time or early, except growing.  She's always been a little small in stature.  We cruised through her toddler years with no problems.  The only thing I noticed was that she really didn't like to get dirty, especially her hands, and she seemed very sensitive to smells.  Had a security blanket she was very attatched to, and if I washed it, she would be upset with me for a couple of days.  One corner she constantly chewed on and I noticed she would alternate chewing and smelling it while going to sleep.  When I washed it, it smelled different and she didn't like that.  She also smelled all her food before eating it once she was old enough to feed herself.  She still does this.

Maybe 6 months ago, she started fussing with the seams of her socks.  She needed them to be in a particular place or she would get very upset, sometimes to the point of a tantrum.  I thought this was a bit odd, but I went along with her and would help her adjust them.  Maybe a few months after that, she started complaining that her shoes didn't fit.  We got new ones, allowing her to pick them out.  A couple days later, she refused to wear them saying they didn't fit.  I took her to a shoe store and had her fitted so I KNEW they fit.  Again, she refused to wear them.  ( She does have unusally narrow heels and most shoes slip a little, but her reaction to this seems out of proportion to the problem.)  

Over the past weeks, this has been rolling over to other things...refusing to wear almost all her clothes, saying they don't fit.  It is either the waist is too loose, pants are too short, panties too big or too small.  She has reached a point where she will wear almost nothing out of a full closet and dresser.  Mornings have desintegrated into daily power struggles leaving me about to explode and her in hysterical tears.  I am constantly late to work because of these battles.  

A couple weeks ago I decided maybe she had an ear infection or something.  Maybe she was getting sick (both my kids are irritable and combative a day or two before they actually present with strep throat or an ear infection or something.) So I made an appt with the Ped thinking if nothing else I could discuss the behavior with the dr.  Ped was very open to the discussion (I was so relieved to be coming in as an experienced parent with a 9 yr hx with this dr, rather than a brand new mom.  The complaint seemed so vague and almost petty.)  

Ped said she was probably starting to exhibit some ADHD traits....this from observing the child climb seaslessly on and off the exam table, get out all the books, crackle the paper on the table....endless motion throughout our conversation), and that sometimes some sensory issues came along with the territory.  She mentioned clothing tags as a common problem and she was right, this is another thing the 4 year old complains about.  She suggested we keep an eye on things and try a few techniques like choosing clothes and laying them out the night before, etc.  If things got worse we'd look into a developmental specialist.  We've been using her techniques for the past couple of weeks.

This morning I got her up as usual and attempted to dress her in the clothes she had chosen last night.  Again, the pants didn't satisfy her and we went through 30+ minutes of standoff on clothing.  Then we went through the sock and shoe ritual.  Then I attempted to brush her hair and teeth and she melted down further over her hair not laying flat enough.  When I had finally had enough and was well beyond leaving the house in time to get to work on time, I told her this was enough, we were putting on our coats and going to school.  She refused.  I started to put her coat on for her, reaching for her left arm frst.  She FREAKED, screaming at me that that isn't how it goes!  She then took the coat from me, did some thing where she turned it a couple different directions, then put the coat on right arm first.  This is the first time she has done this.  

I looked into developmental Peds in the area today and intend to choose one and set an appt tomorrow.  I just can't figure out why this is presenting so suddenly.  Nothing significant has changed in our home.  She did start pre-school this year, but this behavior started long before school did, and her teachers go on and on about how she's one of the best kids in the class and she exhibits none of this behavior at school.  She is in bed every night by 8:00.  She does fight sleep, but is usually out by 9:00 at the latest.  She gets 10 to 12 hours a night.  We maintain a healthy diet.  She's not allowed caffiene or a lot of sugar.  She's been raised the same as her sister with the same discipline and love and attention and expectations and consequences.  It seems she gets more defiant and more consumed by these clothing issues each day.  What have I done wrong?!

She is in such obvious distress it breaks my heart.  At the same time, she can make me so furious.  I have said a few things I wish I hadn't said while embroiled in a few of these battles.  I am torn between just giving in and taking her out in freezing weather in the flip flops she is demanding to wear just to get it over with, and doing what I know is reasonable and sticking to my position because she's got to learn to cope and function and mature and realize that there are some things/clothes/behaviors that are appropriate and some that are not.  It's very confusing and exhausting.  

What causes "sensory issues"?  Her dad has some traits I believe are OCD, but it's never been evaluated or treated.  No one in the family is ADD or ADHD.   She seems to have no learning problems, in fact she is very bright, already writing and reading a few words and copying all kinds of printed material.  She can even add without knowing she's doing it...beyond simple counting.  

In particular this defiance I do not know how to deal with.  I refuse to be controlled by the behavior of a 4 year old, but I have never seen a child so lacking in motivation to please a parent.  I have with held priveledges, taken toys as punishment, offered rewards for good behavior, tried a "token" system where she could earn tokens by behaving and then trade them for special rewards, even spanked.  Nothing seems to matter.  I have stopped spanking her simply because I am a firm believer that if it gleans no effect, you're just beating a kid.  Her sister could get a reminder tap on the butt at that age and she would disolve into humiliated tears and shape right up.  I mean it wasn't even really a swat.  But I bet I could turn this one black and blue without results.  How do you discipline a child who refuses to be disciplined?  And what in the world am I going to do when she's 10, 13, 16?!

My apologies for this novel.  If there's anyone out there who has any advice for the immediate term, I would love to hear it.  My research today suggests it will be several weeks before one of the developmental docs is available.  In the meantime I've got to figure out a way to get to work on time before I get fired, and I need to find a little peace that doesn't require allowing my child to go to school in her pj's or in clothing/shoes that will ensure a case of pneumonia.  

Thanks in advance.

[Melissa6703]

I used to be a pediatric occupational therapist and we dealt with lots of "particular" kids with sensory issues.  We would explain it to parents as everyone has sensory needs...be it an aversion to a certain material, a need for that hot shower in the morning or cup of coffee to function, nail biting, etc.  Kids who have these needs may fall somewhere on the sensory spectrum.  Kids like your daughter would likely fall on the low end and kids with diagnosed autism would fall on the high end.  The key to helping these kids is to find figure out exactly what they need to "sort" there sensory system.  We did alot of brushing on our sensory kids with good results.  I would see if you could get a therapy referral...she may be able to be seen by one in her school district at no cost.  There are sensory questionaires that may be beneficial to the therapist to use too.  Good luck

[concernedforchild155]

I think the Ped you saw was right, it might be ADHD. I know a few people who have it. And I am OCD. A lot of my family is. I have to put my pants on right leg first and same with my shirts and jackets. The lightswitchs in the hallway have to be a certain way, if they're not I just cant deal with it, I have to change it. There really isnt much you can do about it, I know you don't want to have your child run your life and I can understand but go with it for now and make an appt with a specialist. Meds might be the only answer.
Let me know how things go.

GOOD LUCK!