OT: a little frustrated

[jdlk]

My husband is slowly caving on starting to have children but.... he says that we will be poor and using "we will not be able to go on trips" and **** like that against me.... we don't go on trips as it is!!  And we are not poor!!  we make very good money - both of us!!!  I just don't know what to say to him any more....I think he is more scared than anything.... aaaaahhhhhhh......

[Mumita]

My husband was like that the first 5 years of being married, but he was in grad school, we were living in NYC and we really couldn't afford kids.  Right now that we're more settled down he wants to have kids so its a matter of where you are in life and sometimes you're more prepared than other times.
Now he's 31 and I'm 28 so its a good time and he can't keep postponing it.

[spade22]

It is a REALLY BAD idea to try and convince someone to bring a child into this world when they clearly are not ready.  No matter what the reason/excuse is, it doesnt really matter - you cant push the matter or try and force someone to "cave" over such a life-changing event. Things will happen if and when the time is right.  I know of several people who have tried to trick their significant other into having a child (not using BC when they said they were) and the outcome was disastrous - you dont want to go down that path.  A relationship and bringing a child into this world involves two people (eventually 3), but not one.

[jdlk]

I would never "trick" him.... but he keeps postponing because he likes his money.  I understand that once you have kids - your money is literally out the window..... But he keeps using stuff against me to force me not to have kids.  I understand where he is coming from, but I don't want to start trying for kids when I'm 30 (personal opinion).  I would really like him to see my side of the coin....  I am ready for kids - so why should I have to wait?  Why should it all be about him... all the time....

[mami1323]

Well money, if you have it, won't fly right out of the window.  Granted it is expensive but if you both make a good amount of money then it shouldn't really be that much of an issue.  Were you aware of him not wanting children when you first got together?  Because if he's always told you that he never wanted children then really you shouldn't be that surprised that he doesn't want any.  You don't have to wait if you really want one but it won't be from him if he doesn't want children.

[jdlk]

we've been together for 7.5 years and he wants kids - but right now says he loves his money.....  and that we will be poor.... which we won't be....  i am just getting excuses and am now really upset about the entire situation.....

[mami1323]

That's a really long time and him saying that he loves his money and will be poor is simply that...an excuse.  It's really up to you to decide what's most important to you.  If you want a baby and he doesn't then maybe he isn't the one for you.  You want different things in life and you will always feel like you are missing out on something that you truly want if you stay with him.  Plus, you will eventually resent him and so this relationship may never work.  I really do hope he changes his mind but you may have to come to the realization that he might never want what you want.

[jdlk]

well.... last night didn't go so well - we ended up in a big fight and he thinks I'm rushing into things.....  as stated earlier, he confirmed that he is loving his time and money right now.  I am emotionally drained - I have nothing left in me.

[Mumita]

You can't force the man to start having kids, but you can get him used to the idea.  Atleast my husband at first was very like yours and he asked me for some time and more time etc.  Then I decided to stop the BC I gave him a date when I would stop using BC and I told him that I wasn't going to avoid getting pregnant but that I wasn't going to plan on getting pregnant (to get him used to the idea) and that if he wants to avoid me getting pregnant then he would have to figgure out BC.  So then he was like "well you'll get pregnant when you do, lets just not force it"  last month I got pregnant and he was happy that I got pregnant.  He did not want to deal with having to use condoms, withdrawal or not have sex so he accepted it.  
The thought of having a kid when you are having a good time in your life is frightening and I understand that about my husband but he also loves me and he wants to have a family with me so we will learn to deal with whatever life brings to us.
Try that.

[jdlk]

I've tried that - and he told me to think about getting off birth control in a year.....  I told him last night that I will not force it on him, but the way that it sounded the last month - was that he was starting to think about having a family....  I guess I was wrong.

I am emotionally hurt by what he had said last night.  It was tough to hear him say he does not want to have kids right now - and to tell me that I'm rushing into it....  I'm not - I'm just ready.  

I will finish my perscription of BC in september and that is it..... it is my decision.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I agree with mami.  I think 7.5 years is a long time so I don't think you are rushing either.  It may be time to just have a long serious talk with him and just tell him that if you two want different things in life and are going in 2 totally different directions, then it may be time to maybe reevaluate things in terms of your relationship.  Maybe it will get him to thinking long and hard about what is really important to him.  I'm not a materialistic person at all, so loving money and time is just not something I really understand.  I have 5 kids and I could have 10 more and my husband would be thrilled.  I'm always the one scared when I end up pregnant.  My worry with money is to just make sure that we can pay our bills; not for toys.  That would be my advice would be to put it to him like that.  I have done that with my husband before.  It wasn't about kids, but it was the same conversation; different topic.

I wish you luck.......

[jdlk]

thank you ladies.....  It is nice to hear some kind words (especially today).

I think he is really scared....and uses everything else as an excuse.  He would be a fantastic father.......

[mami1323]

Why don't you put it to him that way.  That you are ready and think he would make a fantastic father.  You don't want to force him or try to convince him because what will happen is he will do it to make you happy and the outcome may not be what you want.  You may have a child but he could either love it and think how crazy he was for not wanting a baby or he could resent it and not take part in the parenting.  Then you will be left by yourself with a baby.  But if you are ready to deal with that then I say go for it.  You are 28 now right?  Then give it a year, you will still be young.  I had my first at 30.  Just to let you know, when my fiance and I first met, he was already married and had 2 kids.  He always told me that he didn't want to get married again and that he didn't know if he wanted any more children.  I told him that we shouldn't even go further with the relationship since we wanted different things and it wasn't fair to me.  He told me to just give the relationship a chance...which I did.  After only a short while he wanted to marry me and was talking about trying to get pregnant.  So you never really know how things will turn out.

[mami1323]

That didn't sound right, I meant he had already been married, not he was already married.  It sounded like I was having an affair with him...geesh.  It's just too hot, my brain is fried.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

How funny..... *Smile* I caught that but figured that was what you meant :)

[mami1323]

Haha...yeah.  I didn't want people going nuts on me for thinking I was cheating with a married man...lol.  

[jdlk]

We will have to have another talk again tonight - as I am still upset and hurt....  hopefully this one will be better...

I'm 27 but would like to have kids <--- (plural) by the time I hit 30... but it seems that won't happen....

[mami1323]

You never know sweetie.  Maybe he will start to see things your way.  Good luck with it, I hope it works out for you.

[JoyRenee]

Sounds like the husband is just scared! But honestly, if you're frugal and smart, your money won't fly out the window! And besides, your children are sooooooo worth it. If he were to have a child, money wouldn't even matter anymore. It's that sweet precious life that is relying on him...

I think it's deeper than money and he's just using that as a buffer from having to think about it. It's like a justification. Anyway, just keep encouraging him! It's the men who act like this who turn out to be the GREATEST fathers! You can tell him I said that!

You could always tell him, "We could try for at least 6 months!" And, a little TMI, you could let him know you won't have to use condoms/contraceptives. Men seem to go for that one and then think about the consequences later.

[jdlk]

thanks ladies!!  I do believe that he is honestly scared and I've told him he will be a good father and that I have no worries in that department.....

I am going off BC in september and after that it is up to him to decide if he should be using protection.  

[nikko*ttc]

My hubby was like this as well. I finally told him that I was coming off the hormones (birth control), so if he didn't want children then he needed to strap one on. He of course opposed this idea of having to wear a condom after having been together for the last 8 years and so I am now 13 weeks preggers. Although the road has been very tough. I have had 2 miscarraiges, but now I am getting a bit less jumpy now that I have made it to the 2nd trimester.

[jdlk]

thanks for the input!  I really hope my husband comes around..... once it happens, I think he will finally realize what he had been missing......

(Congrats by the way)!!

[jdlk]

Well... we had another chat... and this time he was really good about it - we compromised....  I told him my pills were up in september... and perhaps we could actually start trying in december.... to my excitement he was good with all of it!!  After saying good night, I leaned over and told him that he would be an awesome father when it happens - he said "yeah?" - I replied "yeah".  I am super excited now

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Awwwww......How cool!!  I am happy for you.  Keep us posted...

[jdlk]

thanks!  And i'll keep ya posted if anything changes!