Fathers over 45

[kitkatz35]

I typed this on my original post but this should've been a brand new one... In case someone didn't see this earlier, I am 35 (just turned) and my husband is 48; I have wanted a baby my entire life and now that we are finally married and I thought that we were both trying it turns out he now says, he's not sure he wants a baby (NOW of all times) he thinks he is too old - is there anything I can say or do to convince him that he's not. He won't talk about it anymore, he just leaves the room when I ask him to explain what he's feeling about it; he's stubborn like that. Before we were married he told me he wanted to have a child (or children) and almost 4 months after we are married he says he is having second thoughts b/c he thinks he's too old; so you can probably see my frustrations; is there anything similar that anyone out there has been through? We tried several times and it was always negative tests and I feel like we are getting closer to getting the 'positive' results or I was until he sprung this on me yesterday morning; right after sex and he pulled out (and of course I'm ovulating now); I feel like I would never be able to forgive him if I'm never able to have a baby b/c he changed his mind after we were married. What are the thoughts? experiences? advice on this..... Anyone?? Please help!

[SoCalTricia]

I haven't experienced this myself...but I have two good friends who did experience something similar. One of them was adamant about having a baby, and her boyfriend of three years kept hemming and hawing about it. She told him, "Look, I'm 30 years old, I want children. I love you and want to spend my life with you, but I won't give up my dream of being a mother. You're forcing me to choose between YOU and CHILDREN and that's not fair. And, so you know, being a mother will win. So you decide what you want to do within a month, and let me know." The ultimatum worked out for her...they were married in October 2007 and she's 28 weeks pregnant right now. My other friend knew she wanted children and, when she and her husband got engaged, they talked about it and agreed that they would start trying at 29. (My friend was 24 at the time.) Well, 30 rolled around, then 31, and he kept dragging his feet. That opened up a bunch of other issues, and she couldn't get over the resentment toward him for going back on his word. They tried several months of counseling, but he still wouldn't agree to children. She filed for divorce, and now she's 33 and single, but dating a man who LOVES children and wants at least two. I'm not sure what, if any, approach would work for you...but I would say that you need to do some serious soul-searching. Are you willing to give up being a mother to stay with your husband? Or are you willing to give up your husband to be a mother? Because, at this point, that's the choices. I'm so sorry you're in this situation...it must be frustrating and heartbreaking. And men don't seem to understand that we (women) have a relatively small window for baby-making. They have 50 years! Anyway...good luck to you. Please let us know how things go!

Tricia

[anati]

My heart goes out to you, and I do hope that by now you have managed to work things out with your husband. I am no shrink, and therefore cant't give you marital advise, only that the precious gift of life, having a  baby with the man you love, is for me, the ultimate and sacred meaning of married life, and the fruit of that love.

Dont be angry if I just tell you : DO it, have that child despite of anyone's feelings,  IF thats what YOU really want, even if I am a big fan of 2-way communication, losing that opportunity, just because someone had a sudden change of heart, is heartbreaking. Especially when so many of us struggling with FEMALE infertility due to age factor. It just doesnt feel right that he wont even talk to you.
If you do have a child, even without his consent, I am SURE he will grow to love the child, and will regret not having one for the rest of his life. If he were 55-60, that would be a different story to tell, as the reasons for not wanting a child, would be almost understandable.
PLEASE update us on future developments, and remember that its as much your right as his.

all the best,
a worried Anette....

[PamelaBee]

As Adgal said, vent away, you have every right.  Part of me would want to wring his neck...sorry, I'm on your side : )  Personally, I would be so baffled with his change of heart, that I know for a fact I would resent him.  This isn't like finding out your partner changed their mind about color selection of your living room in a new house...this is about having a child...your child, together!  Certainly every other indifference can be worked out between a husband and a wife seperately or together, but having a baby, takes two, willingly and knowingly.  Sorry, you got me venting now...please just hang in there, and hopefully he will come around, sooner than later!  Pam

[adgal]

Vent away...I sure have done that more then once here.  When we need to discuss an issue one of us doesn't want to, we set a time aside for it.  I have found that works better then just starting to ask.  Oh, I hope he sits and talks to you, ignoring it really isn't fair to you at all.  Maybe try writing him a letter explaining how you feel?  I sure hope this works out for you.  Please let us know how it's going.  Take care and good luck!!

[kitkatz35]

Thank you to both of you!! It helps to talk about it and have someone who understands where I'm coiming from....

Before we were married, he said he wanted children and after we were married, when it was the 'time to start trying' is when all of a sudden, 'he doesn't know anymore' and says 'he's too old' ...so I know it's because he's scared, but it's not fair to me especially his timing!! (we've been together for about 3 1/2 years now;  and only married a few months) it's very frustrating b/c he won't even talk to me about it; he just gets mad and leaves the room when I continue to ask him what the reasons are...almost like he's embarrassed to tell me; I'm not really sure; but the fact that he wont' talk to me about it is even more upsetting, you know what I mean? I'm really hoping he'll sit and talk with me about it and that maybe he'll change his mind and very soon; before anymore time goes by.....if it doesn't happen, I'm afraid if I don't I will end up resenting him at the end...It would be one thing if he couldn't have children, but it's a completely different when he doesn't want to (after telling me he does before marriage);  Sorry, I didn't mean to go on and on like that, I guess venting is the only thing I can do right now until he talks to me about this....

[adgal]

Welcome.  As Pam said, this has happened before to some of our members.  I can only imagine your frustration.  I too would be very upset.  My husband and I talked about this when we realized our relationship was getting serious and we started talking about marrige.  I don't think I could have married a man who didn't want children.  The best bet is he has to agree to sit and talk this through with you.  It's not fair to not discuss it.  try to find out what his fears are, as I bet there is something about it that he finds frightening.  Also, he needs to understand how very important this is too you.  My husband has been a bit on the fence about the issue from time to time and communication is the key.  (in my opinion its the key to a good marriage in itself).  In our case it turned out to be partly what I had gone through with a miscarriage, and partly a fear of the way our lives would change.  We are both 40, we were 38 when we started trying, and there is that small part of him that liked our lives as they are, with nothing "holding us back".  We talked at great length at all the positives a baby brings, the joy and love and how it would really complete our family.  He is 100% in love with the idea now.  It was simply fear.  Your husband has to talk to you, walking away from something this important to you refusing to discuss it is very unfair.  Best of luck to you!!

[PamelaBee]

First of all I'd like to welcome you to the forum.  Not too long ago, we had a couple posts from women that were in your exact situation.  If you scan through the posts you'll come across them.  The only difference was in age, they both were much older than you and your husband.  This is a tough situation to be in.  Personally, I would be terribly upset and disapponted, especially after you thought you both were on the same page with having children...now, your man has a change of heart.  Understandably so, alot of men blame themselves for possible problems in the babymaking department, or the health of the baby, or become fearful that their lives will pass them by with having a baby at such an advanced age.  For whatever reason your husband changed his mind, it can't take away from the fact that you do, and this irreconciable difference unfortunately only suits one party.  Please try to keep open communication with him, you never know, he may change his mind.  But, unless he's willing, I'm afraid you may not get what you want...I wish I could be of better help.  Please keep us posted.