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Grieving Moms
A lot of you responded on the thread about our sad news. I 've not replied to each of you individually,but I wanted to touch base here. How are you coping? It's been a week and two days for us since we lost our baby. We are still crying every day. Some people truly have the gift of comforting others but I have also found that some people can say incredibly insensitive things. I've been trying to overlook those comments because I know it will turn my spirit bitter and that will turn me away from God. I am keeping my mouth shut and choosing to overlook those comments. I know those people just don't know what to say and they end up saying the wrong thing.
Our friends who love us and weep with us and just let us know they are there if we need anything have been a great comfort. Bible verses and words of good hymns have also been a balm to our souls. What has helped you?
My friend Regina did the music on piano for our baby's memorial service and her two children played the cello and violin. She chose this song and it was perfect.
Be Still, My Soul
1. Be still, my soul:
the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently
the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God
to order and provide;
In every change,
He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul:
thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways
leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul:
thy God doth undertake
To guide the future,
as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence
let nothing shake;
All now mysterious
shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:
the waves and winds
still know His voice
Who ruled them
while He dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul:
when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened
in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know
His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe
thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul:
thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness
all He takes away.
4. Be still, my soul:
the hour is hastening on
When we shall be
forever with the Lord.
When disappointment,
grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot,
love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul:
when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed
we shall meet at last.
~Susan
Our friends who love us and weep with us and just let us know they are there if we need anything have been a great comfort. Bible verses and words of good hymns have also been a balm to our souls. What has helped you?
My friend Regina did the music on piano for our baby's memorial service and her two children played the cello and violin. She chose this song and it was perfect.
Be Still, My Soul
1. Be still, my soul:
the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently
the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God
to order and provide;
In every change,
He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul:
thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways
leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul:
thy God doth undertake
To guide the future,
as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence
let nothing shake;
All now mysterious
shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:
the waves and winds
still know His voice
Who ruled them
while He dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul:
when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened
in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know
His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe
thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul:
thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness
all He takes away.
4. Be still, my soul:
the hour is hastening on
When we shall be
forever with the Lord.
When disappointment,
grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot,
love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul:
when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed
we shall meet at last.
~Susan
I'm glad it was helpful to you, Anxi.
I like this verse from 2 Corinthians Ch.1
v.3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
I did get to hold her, but not as a live baby. Like you, I loved what Heidi wrote of "never putting her down" during the time that my womb was her earthly home.
I read the following quote awhile ago and shared it the day before Thanksgiving with a man who lost his beloved wife. I thought of it again after our baby died. It was written over 100 years by a preacher in England named Charles Spurgeon from his daily readings "Morning and Evening". The first part of his comment doesn't exactly apply to a baby who has not yet been able to do any good works, but the last part does.
"Father, I will that they also, whom Thou hast given Me, be with Me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world. 25 O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee, and these have known that thou hast sent me.
26 And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them. " --John 17:24-26
O death! why dost thou touch the tree beneath whose spreading branches weariness hath rest? Why dost thou snatch away the excellent of the earth, in whom is all our delight? If thou must use thine axe, use it upon the trees which yield no fruit; thou mightest be thanked then. But why wilt thou fell the goodly cedars of Lebanon? O stay thine axe, and spare the righteous. But no, it must not be; death smites the goodliest of our friends; the most generous, the most prayerful, the most holy, the most devoted must die. And why? It is through Jesus' prevailing prayer--"Father, I will that they also, whom Thou hast given Me, be with Me where I am." It is that which bears them on eagle's wings to heaven. Every time a believer mounts from this earth to paradise, it is an answer to Christ's prayer. A good old divine remarks, "Many times Jesus and His people pull against one another in prayer. You bend your knee in prayer and say 'Father, I will that Thy saints be with me where I am'; Christ says, 'Father, I will that they also, whom Thou hast given Me, be with Me where I am.'" Thus the disciple is at cross-purposes with his Lord. The soul cannot be in both places: the beloved one cannot be with Christ and with you too. Now, which pleader shall win the day? If you had your choice; if the King should step from His throne, and say, "Here are two supplicants praying in opposition to one another, which shall be answered?" Oh! I am sure, though it were agony, you would start from your feet, and say, "Jesus, not my will, but Thine be done." You would give up your prayer for your loved one's life, if you could realize the thoughts that Christ is praying in the opposite direction--"Father, I will that they also, whom Thou hast given Me, be with Me where I am." Lord, Thou shalt have them. By faith we let them go.
My friend Heidi also wrote this to me recently:
"how precious Sarah must be to Him that this was His answer to prayers, which He knew the depth and fullness of as no one else can, and utterly sympathized with: to take her to be with Him."
~Susan
I like this verse from 2 Corinthians Ch.1
v.3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
I did get to hold her, but not as a live baby. Like you, I loved what Heidi wrote of "never putting her down" during the time that my womb was her earthly home.
I read the following quote awhile ago and shared it the day before Thanksgiving with a man who lost his beloved wife. I thought of it again after our baby died. It was written over 100 years by a preacher in England named Charles Spurgeon from his daily readings "Morning and Evening". The first part of his comment doesn't exactly apply to a baby who has not yet been able to do any good works, but the last part does.
"Father, I will that they also, whom Thou hast given Me, be with Me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world. 25 O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee, and these have known that thou hast sent me.
26 And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them. " --John 17:24-26
O death! why dost thou touch the tree beneath whose spreading branches weariness hath rest? Why dost thou snatch away the excellent of the earth, in whom is all our delight? If thou must use thine axe, use it upon the trees which yield no fruit; thou mightest be thanked then. But why wilt thou fell the goodly cedars of Lebanon? O stay thine axe, and spare the righteous. But no, it must not be; death smites the goodliest of our friends; the most generous, the most prayerful, the most holy, the most devoted must die. And why? It is through Jesus' prevailing prayer--"Father, I will that they also, whom Thou hast given Me, be with Me where I am." It is that which bears them on eagle's wings to heaven. Every time a believer mounts from this earth to paradise, it is an answer to Christ's prayer. A good old divine remarks, "Many times Jesus and His people pull against one another in prayer. You bend your knee in prayer and say 'Father, I will that Thy saints be with me where I am'; Christ says, 'Father, I will that they also, whom Thou hast given Me, be with Me where I am.'" Thus the disciple is at cross-purposes with his Lord. The soul cannot be in both places: the beloved one cannot be with Christ and with you too. Now, which pleader shall win the day? If you had your choice; if the King should step from His throne, and say, "Here are two supplicants praying in opposition to one another, which shall be answered?" Oh! I am sure, though it were agony, you would start from your feet, and say, "Jesus, not my will, but Thine be done." You would give up your prayer for your loved one's life, if you could realize the thoughts that Christ is praying in the opposite direction--"Father, I will that they also, whom Thou hast given Me, be with Me where I am." Lord, Thou shalt have them. By faith we let them go.
My friend Heidi also wrote this to me recently:
"how precious Sarah must be to Him that this was His answer to prayers, which He knew the depth and fullness of as no one else can, and utterly sympathized with: to take her to be with Him."
~Susan
I am also glad you have such wonderful understanding friends. They really seem to know how to bring warmth into our hearts. I love "you never put her down". You are such a good person comforting others in your time of need. You truely deserve such good friends.
Thank you
Thank you
I wrote a good friend named Heidi yesterday about my plans to meet my friend Sherry for lunch today and told her the verses that she sent me (above) and some things she told me in a phone conversation that were a great comfort to me too. I hope this will comfort some other sad mothers out there.
From my Letter to Heidi"...She (Sherry) also reminded me in a recent phone conversation that little Sarah was a real part of our family for that time in the womb and heard my heart beat and our voices talking every day. That made my heart so glad to think of it. One of the pregnancy books said babies can hear very well in the womb. When we are underwater, the sounds are muffled because of the air trapped in our ears, but they have no air and so can hear sounds clearly. Sherry also said that we can always talk about Sarah whenever I need to and that there is no shame in grief. She came to the hospital when I was in labor and stayed there all day and into the night till after Sarah was born and got to see her. She had brown eyes and brown hair. She said that Sarah looked like me. Our pastor and his wife were there too and another friend named Becky. God has given us so many good friends during this time, and we are so blessed. You are my dear friend too, Heidi. Thank you for all you've done for us, your prayers and kind words of comfort..."
Answer from Heidi December 18, 2008
Your friend sounds wonderful; like she understands the sort of pain you are in, and how much you need to know that Sarah was not a child you 'never held' (for you did hold her all those months: you never put her down), were never able to speak to etc. How beautiful that she heard your voice. I'm deeply grateful to read of how God has encouraged you through this really dark time. I loved your last email and will reread it. Thank you so very much.
Love, Heidi
God has richly blessed us with such good friends.
~Susan
From my Letter to Heidi"...She (Sherry) also reminded me in a recent phone conversation that little Sarah was a real part of our family for that time in the womb and heard my heart beat and our voices talking every day. That made my heart so glad to think of it. One of the pregnancy books said babies can hear very well in the womb. When we are underwater, the sounds are muffled because of the air trapped in our ears, but they have no air and so can hear sounds clearly. Sherry also said that we can always talk about Sarah whenever I need to and that there is no shame in grief. She came to the hospital when I was in labor and stayed there all day and into the night till after Sarah was born and got to see her. She had brown eyes and brown hair. She said that Sarah looked like me. Our pastor and his wife were there too and another friend named Becky. God has given us so many good friends during this time, and we are so blessed. You are my dear friend too, Heidi. Thank you for all you've done for us, your prayers and kind words of comfort..."
Answer from Heidi December 18, 2008
Your friend sounds wonderful; like she understands the sort of pain you are in, and how much you need to know that Sarah was not a child you 'never held' (for you did hold her all those months: you never put her down), were never able to speak to etc. How beautiful that she heard your voice. I'm deeply grateful to read of how God has encouraged you through this really dark time. I loved your last email and will reread it. Thank you so very much.
Love, Heidi
God has richly blessed us with such good friends.
~Susan
That was a terrible thing that the woman said to you in the hospital about your baby's life being meaningless. I'm glad the nurse told her to leave. Sometimes people do need to know when they have wounded someone so they might learn not to do it again. I did confront one person with his hurtful words and the Lord did use that to show him and he was deeply sorry for hurting me and asked my forgiveness which I gladly gave him. It also makes me much more thankful for the very kind and comforting words that others have given me.
One friend sent me these two verses:
Isaiah 40:11 He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.
Psalm 56:8 You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
God made your baby in His image and nothing God does is meaningless. He has decided to take our precious babies to heaven where they will glorify Him and enjoy Him forever. I pray that God will comfort you and the other grieving mothers here.
~Susan
One friend sent me these two verses:
Isaiah 40:11 He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.
Psalm 56:8 You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
God made your baby in His image and nothing God does is meaningless. He has decided to take our precious babies to heaven where they will glorify Him and enjoy Him forever. I pray that God will comfort you and the other grieving mothers here.
~Susan
When I lost my sweet little Cooper this summer (he was 7wks old) my life had ended. I was ready to take my own life. If it were not for my husband, I really do not know what I might I have done. We tried for two years to get pregnant with Cooper. He was my world and he still is. I had to undergo counseling weekly for awhile and that really helped and my husband and I go to a support group for parents who have lost and infant. This group as also been a life saver.
I just take every day, day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I still have break downs, but not like I use too. I think my heart has begun to heal and I know that Cooper is looking after me. We are hoping one day very soon to add to our family and make a little "mini Cooper"!!!
I truly admire your faith, because at one point that was my biggest struggle. Hold on to it and let God heal you through this, because he will.... this I know now.
I also have to give credit to the wonderful women on this forum, so many of them have been my rock!
If you ever need to talk I am always ready to listen. Take care Susan!
Warm hugs,
Rachel and Baby Angel Cooper
I just take every day, day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I still have break downs, but not like I use too. I think my heart has begun to heal and I know that Cooper is looking after me. We are hoping one day very soon to add to our family and make a little "mini Cooper"!!!
I truly admire your faith, because at one point that was my biggest struggle. Hold on to it and let God heal you through this, because he will.... this I know now.
I also have to give credit to the wonderful women on this forum, so many of them have been my rock!
If you ever need to talk I am always ready to listen. Take care Susan!
Warm hugs,
Rachel and Baby Angel Cooper
I also don't know really what gets me through. I want to say
hope. Hope that there will be better days in the future and also that I am needed by the people around me. That was what kept me fighting when I was in the ambulance being transferred to a better hospital and heard the nurse tell the emt that my liver and kidneys had shut down and there was no hope for me. They thought I was unconscious. Anyway the thought of what will my husband and parents do without me is what kept me going and the knowledge that people don't know everything. I still have hope in a better tomorrow even during my difficult days like today. A lot of times the grief is debilitating but in the end I think I'm still alive for a reason even though other educated people thought there was no hope for me.
Another thing Susan is that people are idiots when it comes to being around others in grief. I myself never know what to say. I had a woman (one of my uncle's friends) come to the hospital and recite what I would call a speech to me about my loss and how in the broader view of the world it meant nothing!! Luckily for me The ICU nurse walked in told her off and ushered her out of the room. The only way I got through that was to convince myself that in her way she was trying to make me feel better she just had no clue how to do it. I also thought to myself well at least she was thinking about me enough to take the time to come visit me. I was glad however that the nurse removed her though.
People will also tell many other hurtful things such as "you are taking it too hard and I don't understand why that is". Again take it as an effort for that person to understand you.They would not make the effort if they did not care. I only bring that one up so I can tell you EVERYTHING you are feeling is NORMAL. Don't let others rush you through your grief and pain. It takes time and it never goes away completely. We have loved and we have lost. This is a love that grows and matures on many different levels.
I hope anything I write to you does not come out as insensitive I'm just letting you know my experiances and the way I handled them. Everyone is different and everyone knows what helps them and what doesn't. I do have to commend you on your relationship with God,and the fact that you have not shut everyone out of your life. I have only my best wishes for you and your family
Kisses from me
hope. Hope that there will be better days in the future and also that I am needed by the people around me. That was what kept me fighting when I was in the ambulance being transferred to a better hospital and heard the nurse tell the emt that my liver and kidneys had shut down and there was no hope for me. They thought I was unconscious. Anyway the thought of what will my husband and parents do without me is what kept me going and the knowledge that people don't know everything. I still have hope in a better tomorrow even during my difficult days like today. A lot of times the grief is debilitating but in the end I think I'm still alive for a reason even though other educated people thought there was no hope for me.
Another thing Susan is that people are idiots when it comes to being around others in grief. I myself never know what to say. I had a woman (one of my uncle's friends) come to the hospital and recite what I would call a speech to me about my loss and how in the broader view of the world it meant nothing!! Luckily for me The ICU nurse walked in told her off and ushered her out of the room. The only way I got through that was to convince myself that in her way she was trying to make me feel better she just had no clue how to do it. I also thought to myself well at least she was thinking about me enough to take the time to come visit me. I was glad however that the nurse removed her though.
People will also tell many other hurtful things such as "you are taking it too hard and I don't understand why that is". Again take it as an effort for that person to understand you.They would not make the effort if they did not care. I only bring that one up so I can tell you EVERYTHING you are feeling is NORMAL. Don't let others rush you through your grief and pain. It takes time and it never goes away completely. We have loved and we have lost. This is a love that grows and matures on many different levels.
I hope anything I write to you does not come out as insensitive I'm just letting you know my experiances and the way I handled them. Everyone is different and everyone knows what helps them and what doesn't. I do have to commend you on your relationship with God,and the fact that you have not shut everyone out of your life. I have only my best wishes for you and your family
Kisses from me
Hi Susan,
I'm new here and read your post, I am so sorry to hear your loss. I loss my son last year he's 1 year old. When my son die for me life is worhtless that's how I felt. But with the help of friends and family I started to move on a little bit and been TTC for almost 6 months now. Hang in there I know it's hard but we have to and I pray for you and your family. Take care..Victoria
I'm new here and read your post, I am so sorry to hear your loss. I loss my son last year he's 1 year old. When my son die for me life is worhtless that's how I felt. But with the help of friends and family I started to move on a little bit and been TTC for almost 6 months now. Hang in there I know it's hard but we have to and I pray for you and your family. Take care..Victoria
What a question. I really don't know what gets me through. Friends, faith and my other blessings. I enjoy the song "borrowed angels" by Kristen Cheniwoth( not sure on how to spell her last name). Helping others has helped me and knowing that each day gets better. I still cry, just not everyday. sometimes more than others.. God Bless.. Dana
I'm not even going to begin to say I understand your loss...I've never experienced anything so horrible. But I wanted to let you know that, even though we don't know each other, you've been in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine such a profound sadness as that which you feel when you lose a child. And those people who say insensitive things...like you said, I think it's more that they just don't know what to say. Unfortunately, many people aren't blessed with the gift of words, and everything comes out wrong!
Your faith and strength are inspiring...I know that those things will get you through this loss.
Tricia
Your faith and strength are inspiring...I know that those things will get you through this loss.
Tricia
Thank you, Pam and Amanda. You're very kind. Sarah is my one child I don't have to worry about. I know that God will keep her safe. It's a great comfort also knowing I still have my two boys and since this has happened, they've kept in close touch with us and continually tell us that they love us. I love them and my husband and other family members more deeply because of this.
~Susan
~Susan
Hi Susan, I'm not a grieving Mother, nor have I ever experienced the loss of an innocent unborn life. But, I'm certain the grief that one endures with the loss of a baby must be uncomprehendable. People can say what they think are words of kindness and comfort, but only the individual that suffers the loss knows what can console them, whether it's crying, praying, solitude or just time. I feel for you and all others that have gone through the most mysterious, unanswered and unfair act there is...death. My heart aches for those who continue to struggle to find peace and closure with this sadness, and hope that somehow, someday their sorrow will become joy. Blessings to you and all who are in this situation. Pam
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