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husbans had unauthorized vasectomy
my husband had a vasectomy about 3 weeks ago and i wasnt sure if i wanted anymore. Instead of waiting for me to be ok with him having surgery, he went and did it anyways. I freaked out and so i even the score and put holes in all of the condoms expect the first 4 (didnt think of it tll later)24 all together, so my question is i am nursing twins about 2 to 3 times a day total. and i am starting to bleed a little (spostting)and i dont know why. could i be pregnant or ovulating ? by the way my cyles are usually ever 3 to 4 mo. my twins are clomid babies too as i dont ger pregnant easy. however i did give birth to 6. I am 40 yrs old and he is 53. How long do i waite to take a pregnancy test?
Best Answer
I think you should speak with the counselor about what you did. While you feel your husband decieved you, you have done the same thing to him. It's not fair for you to hide this secret from him, regardless of the outcome. If you two are going to work on your marriage you BOTH need to be open and COMPLETELY honest about EVERYTHING.
I don't think any posts were made in anger and were in general respectful. I don't think comments were always in your favor and you see that as anger or mean, not as people disagreeing and being shocked at your actions as an adult.
I have never lied to my husband or tried to deceive him (unless for a good surprise :]). I don't do anything behind his back. I don't play that way. What is the point of marriage if you are going to lie and deceive? Sure I don't always tell my husband EVERYTHING. I am sure he is uninterested that I took 2 poops today, but took only one yesterday. I do tell him anything that may impact US or HIM. Come on, that was just silly questioning.
I think children can be a tough subject for many people. I think your husband's decision took predominance. He is not wanting children and you are. Having another child adds something you cannot undo. You can always try to have children. You offered to take measures to prevent pregnancy, so did he. He just chose something that is semi-permanent and that will cause money to reverse. I have a feeling he chose to get the procedure done because he did not trust that you would take preventive measures.
I am so glad that counseling is working for you, but I sincerely believe until you are able to come clean 100% you are not learning from this experience. I also believe you cannot fault him for deceiving when you are still keeping things from him. What you did impacted BOTH of you. Love can only be part of a relationship.
I have never lied to my husband or tried to deceive him (unless for a good surprise :]). I don't do anything behind his back. I don't play that way. What is the point of marriage if you are going to lie and deceive? Sure I don't always tell my husband EVERYTHING. I am sure he is uninterested that I took 2 poops today, but took only one yesterday. I do tell him anything that may impact US or HIM. Come on, that was just silly questioning.
I think children can be a tough subject for many people. I think your husband's decision took predominance. He is not wanting children and you are. Having another child adds something you cannot undo. You can always try to have children. You offered to take measures to prevent pregnancy, so did he. He just chose something that is semi-permanent and that will cause money to reverse. I have a feeling he chose to get the procedure done because he did not trust that you would take preventive measures.
I am so glad that counseling is working for you, but I sincerely believe until you are able to come clean 100% you are not learning from this experience. I also believe you cannot fault him for deceiving when you are still keeping things from him. What you did impacted BOTH of you. Love can only be part of a relationship.
> I even said i would do and IUD and ladies i cant just reach up into my uterus with my hands and pull it out behind his back ok so whats fair,him to say unilaterally no more or for me to say yes one more. Who has the right to decide him or meMy intentions were good and yes putting holes in the condoms was my way to feel like i still have some say about thisI could have stayed silent when i was spotting and eventually get pregnant and say oh wow how did that happen behind his backSo it sounds like most of you out there making comments about me have never done something behind there husbands backs and regreted it later and i suppose all of you tell your husbands everything you do, regardless how insignificant it is. So every one of you are totally honest with your hubbies hugh? <
No im probably sure ALL women have lied to thier husband about 1 thing or another from what size pants they wear to how their husbands butt looks in those new boxers he bought, but when It comes to the decison making choice of children it seems that all the ladies on here have the same feelings about what he did and what you did and that both of you were in the wrong.
And remeber your the one who posted the question for comments and now your getting mad because of the comments and answers people are giving you . if your fine with what you did and have resolved your sitionation to the best of your knowledge then obviously you didnt need us at all!
No im probably sure ALL women have lied to thier husband about 1 thing or another from what size pants they wear to how their husbands butt looks in those new boxers he bought, but when It comes to the decison making choice of children it seems that all the ladies on here have the same feelings about what he did and what you did and that both of you were in the wrong.
And remeber your the one who posted the question for comments and now your getting mad because of the comments and answers people are giving you . if your fine with what you did and have resolved your sitionation to the best of your knowledge then obviously you didnt need us at all!
oh and by the way we are in counseling and everything is working out fine, we are much happier, in love and are able to communicate better with each other. Thanks for your input and to all of you who have done things they regret, we are not perfect people and everyday gives me a chance to become a better person. I just ask that your comments be made out of love and respect and not out of anger as i have read. Those of you who want to disagree with me can, dont be mean about it. I am human too and i make mistakes and will admit to it, how about you? What do you need to change about your life.
First of all i agreed to take birth control and i would have faith fully, He didnt want me to because of my age and the risks are higher for me to develop blood clots and i now have a heart murmer. I want to get one thing straight with all of you who think i'm being controlling and a passive aggressor? i cant believe what i am reading. When my babies started to slow down on the nursing and i started to spott, I went straight to my husband and told him i maybe ovulating again and we need to decide on birth control, I even said i would do and IUD and ladies i cant just reach up into my uterus with my hands and pull it out behind his back ok. He was the one who didnt want that. NOT we. It maybe his body and last i checked you all said it would be unfair to have more kids with someone who didn't want anymore, so whats fair,him to say unilaterally no more or for me to say yes one more. Who has the right to decide him or me. I wanted for us BOTH to decide so i was honest with him. I knew he was going to the clinic and i was hoping he wouldnt go through with it, ultimately i knew one of us was going to be miserable and i choose me, because i do love him and i do understand where he is comming from and at the same time trying to deal with how i feel. My intentions were good and yes putting holes in the condoms was my way to feel like i still have some say about this. All of you can say what you want, your not me. I could have stayed silent when i was spotting and eventually get pregnant and say oh wow how did that happen behind his back. Thats not my first reaction, i'm too honest and look where it got me. So it sounds like most of you out there making comments about me have never done something behind there husbands backs and regreted it later and i suppose all of you tell your husbands everything you do, regardless how insignificant it is. So every one of you are totally honest with your hubbies hugh? I am and see where it lead to. I dont regret being honest. If i could do it over i would have gotten the IUD and speared the rest. Telling him will not do us any good and it will cause problems. I have a right to repent of it in my own way and "He who is with out sin cast the first stone"
I am pretty sure that after a vas sperm can still impregnant for up to 6 months... He is going to be pretty PO'd if she gets prego again and finds out she poked holes in the condom.... Obviously there are other issues at hand.... but sabatoging (sp) condoms to spite your husband vas is pretty bad....two wrongs do not make a right... and this would be a life at stake not some silly disagreement.... I hope they work things out for the benefit of the other 13 children who have to be involved with this and not worry so much about the ones they do not have... just my opinion.
I told DH if he got fixed without my OK I'd divorce him, and I meant it. there are other options until you make a permanent one like that.
I agree with you somewhat... that yes both need to agree before something was done. but she said she knew about the doctors appointment and did nothing so she wasnt left in the dark about it, she just waited until it was done to get mad! and I also agree with doula, she was using middle school pranks to get pregnat again w/o his knowing , know that the possiblity of never having children with him became a problem. she was only worried about her needs and not his.
If you cannot trust your spouse enough that you are willing to undergo surgery, you should not be married. I am appalled that anyone wanting to stay married would engage in these behaviors. It sounds like he is finding a way of telling her it's over.
Obviously his wife cannot be trusted to take his opinion about no more children seriously. She was poking holes in condoms like a 8th grade prank!! Come on, she could not be depended on for contraception protection until a decision could be reached. Men are limited on what they can use and condoms are pretty much it until they have a male pill. Her using God as an excuse to sabotage the condoms made me laugh because it sounded very ignorant to say the least. If God wanted it to happen he would have broke the condoms himself, not depend on her to poke holes.
In an ideal world, I think neither partner should make decisions about children by themselves. If my partner decided to get a vasectomy without me I would be upset too because we have an amazing communication line and I would feel hurt he did not communicate with me. The vasectomy is only a sign of issues, not the issue itself. It is his body and something he has control over and I get a sense that is the issue. This woman has major control issues and is very passive aggressive. She can't even own up to it and be honest to her husband in counseling. I question if she really wants to make the marriage work if she can't even be honest. What else does she lie about? But this is another story all together. My thing is she obviously cannot be trusted.
In an ideal world, I think neither partner should make decisions about children by themselves. If my partner decided to get a vasectomy without me I would be upset too because we have an amazing communication line and I would feel hurt he did not communicate with me. The vasectomy is only a sign of issues, not the issue itself. It is his body and something he has control over and I get a sense that is the issue. This woman has major control issues and is very passive aggressive. She can't even own up to it and be honest to her husband in counseling. I question if she really wants to make the marriage work if she can't even be honest. What else does she lie about? But this is another story all together. My thing is she obviously cannot be trusted.
I disagree with anyone who says it's his body and he can do this. He is married. It may be a great decision, ultimately. Maybe the last thing they need in the marriage is more children, and he took care of that. But I think it was very very wrong of him to make a unilateral decision like this that affects both married partners. Contraception could have been used, and nothing permanent done until both agreed. It would wrong of either partner to make such a permanent decision if both were not on board. I just can't believe everyone thinks it's okay for him to do this without his wife's support (I would feel the same if wife were doing this too).
Of course, it is his body. But there are other options so I don't see the need for him to engage in altering his body to this degree when it is unnecessary and when his wife disagrees and would be affected by the outcome. It is like asking her to divorce him. (and maybe that's his intent).
Of course, it is his body. But there are other options so I don't see the need for him to engage in altering his body to this degree when it is unnecessary and when his wife disagrees and would be affected by the outcome. It is like asking her to divorce him. (and maybe that's his intent).
ok let me get this straight you are 40 yrs/old he is 53 yrs/old you have twins 9 months/old. and he went and finallized a vas. which you knew about but wanted it to be a unanimous decision between the both of you first before he just went off and did it. correct? well accorting to you profile you say you have 6 children, 2 by your husband 4 from a previous marriage PLUS 7 from his previous marriage that 13 all together. Im not sticking up for your husband but im pretty sure hes prolly done having kids. hes got 9 that are his. if he mentioned this a while back then that means hes been thinking about it for awhile. and plus with 2 -9 month olds youll be almost 60 when they graduate and hell be 70+. not saying older adults cant handle multiple families but I would have to be behind your husband on this one.
I think its his body and he should have the right to alter his body as he sees fit. He is taking control of a situation to prevent something he doesn't want. I would not be supportive if you forced him to get the surgery, but this is a choice he made on his own about HIS body. It may effect your ability not to have more children, but no one was harmed. Because you want children, he must want them too? Thats not how it works.
I think you need to grow up and tell him what you did. He didn't have to tell you about his surgery because nothing would have come of it. Its about being an adult and being honest. If you cannot be honest with him NOW, then you are in no place to demand honest and respect from him.
I think you need to grow up and tell him what you did. He didn't have to tell you about his surgery because nothing would have come of it. Its about being an adult and being honest. If you cannot be honest with him NOW, then you are in no place to demand honest and respect from him.
just wanted to clear up the 53 thing.. you may live into your 80's or 100's but you get more tired when you are older hell having a baby at 36 was completely different than having one at 23. Also people have plans for retirement and vacations and freedom and such.. anyway it sounds like you are both controlling and hopefully you can both work through it..
He is more the passive aggressive type. I dont feel i should say anything to the counselor as no harm became of it. ( holes in the condomes) I will talk to him about our ways of fighting and get help that way, i just think it will make matters worse. Thanks for the advice Annie, i just needed him to show me he loves me and when he did this knowing how i felt and knowing it will hurt me and did it anyways makes me think he loves himself more than me and his happiness matters more. I just want to heal from this and It caused a deep wound inside me. I just want to get over this and move on thats all. I feel like he put our marriage at risk and for all he would know is that i could have divorce him over this. I'm sure people have. I do love him and i want him in my life. Unfortunelty there are other issues involved too. Thanks again
Good luck, Lori. Please work with the counselor when you are together on how you guys go at it when you fight, as it seems like you both are doing it the hard way (or the passive-aggressive way) and that can't be good for long-term happiness.
Please also try to understand that a man's desire for children is NOT a stand-in or a surrogate for his love of his wife. Research shows that childless couples are (on average) happier than those raising children. I know a lot of men, especially ones who are older, who don't romanticize having kids at all, but still are crazy about their wives.
Please, just under strict confidence and in the counselor's private ear (not when your husband is listening) tell the counselor what you did. If you only describe what your husband did and act like you sat by in saintly suffering, the counselor will get an incomplete picture of the whole dynamic, and it is not going to do much good to go to counseling.
And, please also hold in the front of your mind that your goal is to be in a happy long-term marriage, more than anything else. More than to win this fight, or to demand proofs of his love for you, or to add more kids to the family. You two need to be OK with each other first and foremost, especially since you plan to live to a happy old age together. If he is so acutely aware that more kids would make him unhappy that he had a vasectomy even at the risk of making you furious, this should give you pause when you count your grievances. He's clearly saying it mattered a lot to him. You have every right to ask that you also matter, but don't let the "kids or no kids" decision stand in for the bigger issue. Find a way to ask the simple question (do I matter to you?), and let yourself internalize the answer (yes, I really do). That question and answer can be discussed and believed, without demanding any kids as "proofs."
Good luck with the counseling.
Annie
Please also try to understand that a man's desire for children is NOT a stand-in or a surrogate for his love of his wife. Research shows that childless couples are (on average) happier than those raising children. I know a lot of men, especially ones who are older, who don't romanticize having kids at all, but still are crazy about their wives.
Please, just under strict confidence and in the counselor's private ear (not when your husband is listening) tell the counselor what you did. If you only describe what your husband did and act like you sat by in saintly suffering, the counselor will get an incomplete picture of the whole dynamic, and it is not going to do much good to go to counseling.
And, please also hold in the front of your mind that your goal is to be in a happy long-term marriage, more than anything else. More than to win this fight, or to demand proofs of his love for you, or to add more kids to the family. You two need to be OK with each other first and foremost, especially since you plan to live to a happy old age together. If he is so acutely aware that more kids would make him unhappy that he had a vasectomy even at the risk of making you furious, this should give you pause when you count your grievances. He's clearly saying it mattered a lot to him. You have every right to ask that you also matter, but don't let the "kids or no kids" decision stand in for the bigger issue. Find a way to ask the simple question (do I matter to you?), and let yourself internalize the answer (yes, I really do). That question and answer can be discussed and believed, without demanding any kids as "proofs."
Good luck with the counseling.
Annie
I talked to the counselor two days ago as my husband made us an appt. So i got the number and talked to him for a little bit. I told him about the vasectomy and how he went and did it premature, the counselor said that because he went out and did this when i wasnt ok with it at the time he had it done, that it told him that our marriage was in trouble. So obviousely their are issues. Thanks for the comments. you guys know i can never tell him what i had done. If i dont get pregnant then no harm why ever tell. If by a miracle i do then when I'm really old then i will tell him. thanks for the comments annie b. Because of this i am having to take a look at my self and ask myself why i reacted that way. I know how i wanted to react and i wanted to be understanding and say I do understand his motives. I really do. at the same time i am hurt as we ( him and I) decided that we would have kids as they came. WE never had a set number as most dont. I feel like he doesnt love me or love me enought for me to have any more of his babies. I guess im feeling "less loved " by his actions. He knew how i felt and did it any ways. So I did fight back. I guess i want to say YOU dont control my Destiny, i do! The irony of this whole situation is i started my period and for a day and half i have been having very heavy bleeding, so i went to the E.R last night and they didnt do much for me so i called up my obgyn on call he ordered a med to help slow down or stop the bleed. anyways we were talking and he said i can put a IUD in called MIRINA as i have been thinking of that anyways and after a year most women dont have periods. Good for Five to seven years. I told my husband i might do that and that means he did the vasectomy for no reason as the dr said by the time i am 48 to 51 i will be in menopause. I think it's sad the way it all turned out. I know part of my problem is that i am having a hard time accepting that i cant have any more children, that i'm done. I wish i could be like most people and be happy and party on or whatever celebrate. I guess it's all i have is my family. I hope that this counselor can help us. again thank you all for your in put, even if we can agree to disagree.
I agree with Karen. If one of you is so controlling (doesn't matter which one), maybe it's not the best situation to bring another child into anyway. :(
I don't see how your religion plays a part in this. I think it is a matter of treating each other with respect. Most religions are for that.
Well, given everything you said, it seems like what happened is that he unilaterally decided something that (you were certain) was to be a joint decision, and then you did something kind of childish and punitive in reaction, and now you're looped into and locked into: did he do something wrong / was your knee-jerk reaction justified or just as bad. But here is something to ask: Do you want more children? You said you hadn't exactly made up your mind yet, when your husband went out and had the vasectomy.
Please don't let your anger at his action force you into saying you absolutely wanted more kids if you still aren't sure you did or do. If he had promised not to move without your agreement, it was unfair of him to jump ahead, and you guys have some talking to do about the fact that he did what he alone was sure he wanted. But if you will set aside for a minute that you're mad that he took the law into his own hands, so to speak, it might help you to prepare for this conversation to get totally clear on how you do ultimately feel about having more kids. Think about how you are doing with the ones you have, what it feels like to be so "on duty" all the time with no break, what will it be like when they are older and more demanding of your time, attention, energy and money (is your husband the only money-earner? Maybe he doesn't want to have to be working into his 70s to pay for more kids), and so forth. At least you will be prepared for the conversation you are going to have about all the issues.
You have the issue of his making a unilateral act out of something that (at least) you were sure was to be a joint decision -- does he do that a lot? What do you want to do about similar unilateral acts in the future? You have the issue of your taking such a wild retaliatory action -- do you plan to fight like a teenager your whole life? And then, separately from the above, you have the question of whether more kids are in your future. There are ways to get more kids, even now. I think you guys should talk about the ways you try to win fights with each other.
Please don't let your anger at his action force you into saying you absolutely wanted more kids if you still aren't sure you did or do. If he had promised not to move without your agreement, it was unfair of him to jump ahead, and you guys have some talking to do about the fact that he did what he alone was sure he wanted. But if you will set aside for a minute that you're mad that he took the law into his own hands, so to speak, it might help you to prepare for this conversation to get totally clear on how you do ultimately feel about having more kids. Think about how you are doing with the ones you have, what it feels like to be so "on duty" all the time with no break, what will it be like when they are older and more demanding of your time, attention, energy and money (is your husband the only money-earner? Maybe he doesn't want to have to be working into his 70s to pay for more kids), and so forth. At least you will be prepared for the conversation you are going to have about all the issues.
You have the issue of his making a unilateral act out of something that (at least) you were sure was to be a joint decision -- does he do that a lot? What do you want to do about similar unilateral acts in the future? You have the issue of your taking such a wild retaliatory action -- do you plan to fight like a teenager your whole life? And then, separately from the above, you have the question of whether more kids are in your future. There are ways to get more kids, even now. I think you guys should talk about the ways you try to win fights with each other.
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