Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

husbans had unauthorized vasectomy

my husband had a vasectomy about 3 weeks ago and i wasnt sure if i wanted anymore. Instead of waiting for me to be ok with him having surgery, he went and did it anyways. I freaked out and so i even the score and put holes in all of the condoms expect the first 4 (didnt think of it tll later)24 all together, so my question is i am nursing twins about 2 to 3 times a day total. and i am starting to bleed a little (spostting)and i dont know why. could i be pregnant or ovulating ? by the way my cyles are usually ever 3 to 4 mo. my  twins are clomid babies too as i dont ger pregnant easy. however i did give birth to 6. I am 40 yrs old and he is 53. How long do i waite to take a pregnancy test?
Best Answer
202436 tn?1326474333
I think you should speak with the counselor about what you did.  While you feel your husband decieved you, you have done the same thing to him.  It's not fair for you to hide this secret from him, regardless of the outcome.  If you two are going to work on your marriage you BOTH need to be open and COMPLETELY honest about EVERYTHING.
32 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
134578 tn?1693250592
Two-and-a-half weeks to three weeks after the last unprotected sex, if your period hasn't come.  I hope you get the best result for you and your family.
Helpful - 0
667409 tn?1309152183
I hate to be the one to point out the obvious...but perhaps you shouldn't be rushing around trying to hurry up and get pregnant from a man who 1) obviously doesn't want anymore children and 2) is willing to lie to you and make decisions on his own that effect BOTH of you. I really, truly hope that the outcome is what's BEST for your family! Good luck with everything...

Tricia
Helpful - 0
1173196 tn?1292916490
I hope, that if you do get pregnant, your husband doesn't end up resenting you or the baby.
Helpful - 0
202436 tn?1326474333
I agree with all 3 posters.  
Helpful - 0
202436 tn?1326474333
BTW, another obvious point is that your husbands vasectomy was not "unauthorized".  He is an adult and can make his own decisions about his body, he does not need your permission.  Trying to trick hiim into a pregnancy is only going to push him away and cause a lot of resentment and anger.
Helpful - 0
317019 tn?1532965586
it sounds like your husband was done having kids and im sure it hurt your feelings that he went and did this.....i would def talk to him about that too

however putting holes in condums is not fair to him nor this baby if you are indeed preg...tricking somebody into preg is never a good way to have a baby....i know if i did that my fiance would be gone in a heartbeat preg or not...that's up there with lying to your spouse and i would not tolerate as i would not expect him to tolerate it
Helpful - 0
296076 tn?1371334474
He is 53 give him a break you guys have young kids.. he is done...  sounds really bad to me that you are so controlling that his opinion and age are not taken into consideration.  I can't believe you have done this... I would get a divorce if you are so controlling.  I am sure he tried to talk to you about not wanting anymore but you didn't want to accept it.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
We are both lds and we made promises to each other and God. So unless you are sealed in an lds temple i wouldnt expect those non lds to understand every aspect as families are sealed to us. Yes all of you are right  about me going behind his back and lying is not fair or good for a marriage. I talked to him and did tell him how i felt. He could  have waited till i was sure i was done. We were married for only a year and half. He knew i was 38 and fertile too. So i deserve a break too. I have a hard time getting pregnant so it probably wont happen. My reasons for the holes in the condoms it if God wants it to happen it will. I started my period for the first time since i gave birth almost 9 mo ago. I'm still nursing andby the way when i started spotting a month ago i told him and he said so things are starting to happen i said ya so he made an  appt and went and had the surgury done. I after freaked out and you all know the rest. I knew when his appt was and i could have stopped him, but like the rest of you said i let him as he didnt want any more. It really hurt me and still does. We have an counseling appt set for next thursday.  I just pray that what ever happens its for the best and yes i know he is 53. Why not one more? we are living into our 80's and his dad is 82 and doing great, so could we. no quarantees in life i could die tomorrow. thanks for all of your comments, I actually am not controlling, he is.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
Well, given everything you said, it seems like what happened is that he unilaterally decided something that (you were certain) was to be a joint decision, and then you did something kind of childish and punitive in reaction, and now you're looped into and locked into:  did he do something wrong / was your knee-jerk reaction justified or just as bad.  But here is something to ask:  Do you want more children? You said you hadn't exactly made up your mind yet, when your husband went out and had the vasectomy.

Please don't let your anger at his action force you into saying  you absolutely wanted more kids if you still aren't sure you did or do.  If he had promised not to move without your agreement, it was unfair of him to jump ahead, and you guys have some talking to do about the fact that he did what he alone was sure he wanted.  But if you will set aside for a minute that you're mad that he took the law into his own hands, so to speak, it might help you to prepare for this conversation to get totally clear on how you do ultimately feel about having more kids.  Think about how you are doing with the ones you have, what it feels like to be so "on duty" all the time with no break, what will it be like when they are older and more demanding of your time, attention, energy and money (is your husband the only money-earner?  Maybe he doesn't want to have to be working into his 70s to pay for more kids), and so forth.  At least you will be prepared for the conversation you are going to have about all the issues.  

You have the issue of his making a unilateral act out of something that (at least) you were sure was to be a joint decision -- does he do that a lot?  What do you want to do about similar unilateral acts in the future?  You have the issue of your taking such a wild retaliatory action -- do you plan to fight like a teenager your whole life?  And then, separately from the above, you have the question of whether more kids are in your future.  There are ways to get more kids, even now.  I think you guys should talk about the ways you try to win fights with each other.
Helpful - 0
1006003 tn?1256227415
Gee whillikers.
Helpful - 0
1173196 tn?1292916490
I don't see how your religion plays a part in this. I think it is a matter of treating each other with respect. Most religions are for that.
Helpful - 0
1328636 tn?1389367392
I agree with Karen. If one of you is so controlling (doesn't matter which one), maybe it's not the best situation to bring another child into anyway. :(
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I talked to the counselor two days ago as my husband made us an appt. So i got the  number and talked to him for a little bit. I told him about the vasectomy and how he went and did it premature, the counselor said that because he went out and did this when i wasnt ok with it at the time he had it done, that it told him that our marriage was in trouble. So obviousely their are issues. Thanks for the comments. you guys know i can never tell him what i had done. If i dont get pregnant then no harm why ever tell. If by a miracle i do then when I'm really old then i will tell him.  thanks for the comments annie b. Because of this i am having to take a look at my self and ask myself why i reacted that way. I know how i wanted to react and i wanted to be understanding and say I do understand his motives. I really do. at the same time i am hurt as we ( him and I) decided that we would have kids as they came. WE never had a set  number as most dont. I feel like he doesnt love me or love me enought for me to have any more of his babies. I guess im feeling "less loved " by his actions. He knew how i felt and did it any ways. So I did fight back. I guess i want to say YOU dont control my Destiny, i do! The irony of this whole situation is i started my period and for a day and half i have been having very heavy bleeding, so i went to the E.R last night and they didnt do much for me so i called up my obgyn on call he ordered a med to help slow down or stop the bleed. anyways we were talking and he said i can put a IUD in called  MIRINA as i have been thinking of that anyways and after a year most women dont have periods. Good for Five to seven years. I told my husband i might do that and that means he did the vasectomy for no reason as the dr said by the time i am 48  to 51 i will be in menopause. I think it's sad the way it all turned out. I know part of my problem is that i am having a hard time accepting that i cant have any more children, that i'm done. I wish i could be like most people and be happy and party on or whatever celebrate. I guess it's all i have is my family.  I hope that this counselor can help us. again thank you all for your in put, even if we can agree to disagree.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
Good luck, Lori.  Please work with the counselor when you are together on how you guys go at it when you fight, as it seems like you both are doing it the hard way (or the passive-aggressive way) and that can't be good for long-term happiness.  

Please also try to understand that a man's desire for children is NOT a stand-in or a surrogate for his love of his wife.  Research shows that childless couples are (on average) happier than those raising children.  I know a lot of men, especially ones who are older, who don't romanticize having kids at all, but still are crazy about their wives.  

Please, just under strict confidence and in the counselor's private ear (not when your husband is listening) tell the counselor what you did.  If you only describe what your husband did and act like you sat by in saintly suffering, the counselor will get an incomplete picture of the whole dynamic, and it is not going to do much good to go to counseling.    

And, please also hold in the front of your mind that your goal is to be in a happy long-term marriage, more than anything else.  More than to win this fight, or to demand proofs of his love for you, or to add more kids to the family.  You two need to be OK with each other first and foremost, especially since you plan to live to a happy old age together.   If he is so acutely aware that more kids would make him unhappy that he had a vasectomy even at the risk of making you furious, this should give you pause when you count your grievances.  He's clearly saying it mattered a lot to him.  You have every right to ask that you also matter, but don't let the "kids or no kids" decision stand in for the bigger issue.  Find a way to ask the simple question (do I matter to you?), and let yourself internalize the answer (yes, I really do).  That question and answer can be discussed and believed, without demanding any kids as "proofs."  

Good luck with the counseling.

Annie
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He is more the passive aggressive type. I dont feel i should say anything  to the counselor as no harm became of it.  ( holes in the condomes) I will talk to  him about our ways of fighting and get help that way, i just think it will make matters worse. Thanks for the advice Annie, i just needed him to show me he loves me and when he did this knowing how i felt and knowing it will hurt me and did it anyways makes me think he loves himself more than me and  his  happiness matters more. I just want to heal from  this and It caused a deep wound inside me. I just want to get over this and move on thats all. I feel like he put our marriage at risk and for all he would know is that i could have divorce him over this. I'm sure people have.  I do love him and i want him in my life. Unfortunelty there are other issues involved too.  Thanks again
Helpful - 0
296076 tn?1371334474
just wanted to clear up the 53 thing.. you may live into your 80's or 100's but you get more tired when you are older hell having a baby at 36 was completely different than having one at 23.  Also people have plans for retirement and vacations and freedom and such.. anyway it sounds like you are both controlling and hopefully you can both work through it..
Helpful - 0
1163675 tn?1274627512
I think its his body and he should have the right to alter his body as he sees fit.  He is taking control of a situation to prevent something he doesn't want.  I would not be supportive if you forced him to get the surgery, but this is a choice he made on his own about HIS body.  It may effect your ability not to have more children, but no one was harmed.  Because you want children, he must want them too?  Thats not how it works.

I think you need to grow up and tell him what you did.  He didn't have to tell you about his surgery because nothing would have come of it.  Its about being an adult and being honest.  If you cannot be honest with him NOW, then you are in no place to demand honest and respect from him.
Helpful - 0
1287618 tn?1282017202
ok let me get this straight you are 40 yrs/old he is 53 yrs/old you have twins 9 months/old. and he went and finallized a vas. which you knew about but wanted it to be a unanimous decision between the both of you first before he just went off and did it. correct? well accorting to you profile you say you have 6 children, 2 by your husband 4 from a previous marriage PLUS 7 from his previous marriage that 13 all together. Im not sticking up for your husband but im pretty sure hes prolly done having kids. hes got 9 that are his. if he mentioned this a while back then that means hes been thinking about it for awhile. and plus with 2 -9 month olds youll be almost 60 when they graduate and hell be 70+. not saying older adults cant handle multiple families but I would have to be behind your husband on this one.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I disagree with anyone who says it's his body and he can do this.  He is married.  It may be a great decision, ultimately.  Maybe the last thing they need in the marriage is more children, and he took care of that.  But I think it was very very wrong of him to make a unilateral decision like this that affects both married partners.  Contraception could have been used, and nothing permanent done until both agreed.  It would wrong of either partner to make such a permanent decision if both were not on board.  I just can't believe everyone thinks it's okay for him to do this without his wife's support (I would feel the same if wife were doing this too).  

Of course, it is his body.  But there are other options so I don't see the need for him to engage in altering his body to this degree when it is unnecessary and when his wife disagrees and would be affected by the outcome.  It is like asking her to divorce him.  (and maybe that's his intent).

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
btw, annie, i love your advice!
Helpful - 0
1163675 tn?1274627512
Obviously his wife cannot be trusted to take his opinion about no more children seriously.  She was poking holes in condoms like a 8th grade prank!!  Come on, she could not be depended on for contraception protection until a decision could be reached.  Men are limited on what they can use and condoms are pretty much it until they have a male pill.  Her using God as an excuse to sabotage the condoms made me laugh because it sounded very ignorant to say the least.  If God wanted it to happen he would have broke the condoms himself, not depend on her to poke holes.

In an ideal world, I think neither partner should make decisions about children by themselves.  If my partner decided to get a vasectomy without me I would be upset too because we have an amazing communication line and I would feel hurt he did not communicate with me.  The vasectomy is only a sign of issues, not the issue itself.  It is his body and something he has control over and I get a sense that is the issue. This woman has major control issues and is very passive aggressive.  She can't even own up to it and be honest to her husband in counseling.  I question if she really wants to make the marriage work if she can't even be honest.  What else does she lie about?  But this is another story all together.  My thing is she obviously cannot be trusted.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
If you cannot trust your spouse enough that you are willing to undergo surgery, you should not be married.  I am appalled that anyone wanting to stay married would engage in these behaviors.  It sounds like he is finding a way of telling her it's over.  
Helpful - 0
1287618 tn?1282017202
I agree with you somewhat... that yes both need to agree before something was done. but she said she knew about the doctors appointment and did nothing so she wasnt left in the dark about it, she just waited until it was done to get mad! and I also agree with doula, she was using middle school pranks to get pregnat again w/o his knowing , know that the possiblity of never having children with him became a problem. she was only worried about her needs and not his.
Helpful - 0
2
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Pregnancy 35 and Older Community

Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Get information and tips on how to help you choose the right place to deliver your baby.
Get the facts on how twins and multiples are formed and your chance of carrying more than one baby at a time.
Learn about the risks and benefits of circumcision.
What to expect during the first hours after delivery.
Learn about early screening and test options for your pregnancy.
Learn about testing and treatment for GBS bacterium.