I'm so very sad.

[stephie4]

I've posted before about my husband's ... lack of interest,, and how rejected I've felt. (we've been together only 3 or 4 times since we found out I was pregnant.) He kept saying all this time that he's afraid of hurting the baby...(despite 2 different dr.s telling him he wouldn't)

he also told me his drive was down all together... (a few months back his dr. started him on testosterone because his was low, which would explain the low sex drive.

Well Anyway... yesterday I walked into the room and he had some porn up on his computer.... which in the past , i would be ok with---however now that he's rejecting me...  and its OBVIOUS his drive isn't down, I was crushed.
I broke down in tears, went upstairs , drew a nice bath and tried to just relax, and stop crying.
he followed me up, tried handing me excuses.
I expressed to him how sad i was that he was rejecting me, but obviously interested in other women (real or not) and how much it hurt and to just stay away from me right now.
i had locked the bathroom door so he couldn't come in. i just wanted to be alone.  i was so crushed and sad. so hurt.
he begged me to let him in because he was worried. i told him i was fine, but just wanted to be away from him right now.  it sucks...  i moved to NJ, have no family or friends here.  no co-worker/friends either as I own my own business and work alone.  no where to go when i'm sad or need a friend....

anyway, after about an hour in the tub, i laid in my son's bed, (because hubby was in our room, and i still didn't want to be near him)... he came in, and admitted to me that he just can't get aroused with me, not afraid of hurting the baby after all, that although i look beautiful pregnant, he just can't see me in a sexual way.

I knew it.     all this time, i knew thats what it was.  i know it took a lot for him to admit to it, but it still doesn't help how hurt i feel.  I feel so alone.  without intimacy, it just feels like its not a marriage.  more like i'm a roomate that he knocked up or something.
he's more than excited about the baby, but i feel his feelings for me are gone.

anyone else going thorough this? and i'm sorry so long.

[lynda544]

My husband and I had date night on Thursday. After a couple of glasses of wine (my husband not me) I asked him if men feel differently about sex once their wife is pregnant. It was very interesting to hear his response! In  short he said "Yes it makes everything very different". He told me he finds pregnant women unbelievably beautiful but NOT sexy. It has something to do with knowing his baby is inside, and you are a Mommy. This is my third pregnancy so I know everything goes back to normal after delivery. My husband is a very sex oriented guy, so I think this is a relatively common feeling with some men. We still have sex but it is different. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a very stressful but wonderful time of life. I bet everything will be back to normal after your miracle is born!

[tahariel]

Best wishes and I hope everything gets back on track after baby arrives . . . I've heard of some women getting pregnant again by their 6 week check-up!

That never would have happened to me. I had c-sections so there was the extra healing time, plus each baby nursed every 2 hours around the clock for those first couple of months. I was too exhausted to even think about any "extra activity". Hubby had quite the dry spells after each baby arrived. I think he's planning on another so doesn't mind stocking up now.  (35w3d, #3)

[stephie4]

yes, i've tried dressing sexy, looking sexy, doing up my hair/make up...

and he really didn't even notice.
which killed me

i'm done trying, done being rejected.
we'll see how it goes after delivery.

[vsentz]

oh did I mention it's been like 3 months or more??
last time we tried... i just 'couldn't'... and almost hurt! so dh says he doesn't wanna be a 'dog' and hurt me again....

i agree with christy.. i don't think frankenstein would get a hardie with me!!! lol ;)

[vsentz]

oh lawd!!!! like us pregnant women feel sexy anyway!!!!! WTH! some men are idiots and cannot even express how beautiful we look... YES we look amazingly beautiful, glowing,.... but sexy??? I DO NOT THING SO!
With that said, sweetie, you are not the only one here! I just posted the other day that dh just puts the excuse of 'let's not have sex because that'll bring on labor and I'm not done with Maddie's room yet!'... hahaha yeah right...

Honey, don't take it personal, guys are like that! they are protective! and right now (i know it kinda sucks) he doesn't see you in the same way he used to with your killer bod, than now with a belly that is too cute to lust over... ya know? in his little man's mind he's very concious that there's a little baby in there, and as protective fathers, they won't take the chances of harming him/her!

Yep, payback will be sweet! let me just recover my body, (woohooo! no stretchmarks yet!!! yay!!), get all hot-momma looking with glorious hair that my little one gave me... and you'll see... he ain't gettin' notin' from this b-a-b-e girlfriend!!!!! ;)

You are not alone Steph... be mad at him, yes... (it's difficult not to!!! right?) but  don't get those feelings hurt you so deep.... it is more normal than not... =)

[cpatow]

Well, back when DH and I got married 12 yrs ago we decided to wait until we got married for nookie. I won't say we were perfect in our waiting but for 2 years during dating and engagement we had nookie I think one time. We were not religious zealots or nutcases but just decided we'd both had it in our previous relationships and realized that a marriage has to be able to withstand "droughts" and that we wanted to have our relationship based on a good friendship so when that drought happened we'd know we still had something there.

We're now on our 3rd drought...1st was when I was preggo w/ my first; 2nd was during an extended illness and now 3rd has been these last 3 months.

Steph, I feel so many of the same feelings in that I feel we are "just roommates" right now and that I'm starved for at least some goofing around even if we don't do the full-on nookie thing. However, what I've come to learn from going about things the way we have is that it'll all be back to normal after birth. Weathering these dry spells w/ my DH has made me appreciate our marriage and relationship all that much more because I know that he accepts me totally unconditionally and vice versa. He's not one of "those guys" that will walk at the first sign of not hitting his nookie quota for the week nor will he judge me during these "spells" where I looked like a beached manatee.

If he can't get aroused w/ me right now (heck I don't think even Frankenstein could) I seriously get that and am just enjoying the break since I can't say I'm really in the mood either. Now the other day I said I wanted to try and while he was game we both fell asleep before we could even get anywhere. And I really think he was relieved b/c he's really kind of freaked out about the belly...he doesn't touch it or snuggle with it like some dad's do, but he does show affection otherwise...hugging, holding hands, snuggling on the sofa, that type of thing.

And I have been looking for his other "love" expressions instead. He tells me he loves me constantly and shows it by (get this) doing most of the chores...dishes, laundry, etc., because he can see that I'm so pooped by the time he gets home from work (I work from home and have the 2 kids).

So my advice is just to hang in there...while it hurts it WILL get better. And maybe try something besides total nookie. If nothing else seems to "work" just realize that some guys are just like that and it took a lot of guy-soul-searching for him to be honest and tell you what was going on. Guys don't "get it" emotionally like girls do, I swear by that. I really don't think he was meaning to be disrespectful or hurtful and while it was both of those I bet that, in the end, this will make you both stronger as a couple.

Hang in there!!!
Christina

[Tennesseegirl]

diffrence between men and women... ????
we dont forget and we DO get even!
one night my dh was rubbing my back and put his arm around my waist..to rest, and he moved real quick like ooops he ran into my belly... and jerked back really quick. I cant understand what goes thru his mind..? I almost lost it and started laughing out loud.I just acted like I was asleep... I wonder if she kicked him..??  hes just really funny about medical stuff and a big baby when it comes to blood. when my dd was born.. he made a point to hide behind the camera alot... we had alot of good photos.. lol..so it worked out well. but the best part is that he is toooooo bigggg of a mannnn to admit it. If I ask him to fill my belly he will... but I know he doesnt like it. (instink and his face when she kickes) so I dont ask him to anymore... His loss..I dont take it personal... now the sex? whats that?     that my dear is where we get even.. smile

[stephie4]

meli meli
my thoughts exactly!

[melimeli]

I am planning on getting a killer bod after the baby and then telling him I am just not into it and he should hit the gym.. hahahaha... payback is a biotch... haha... j.j.

[valleybabes]

I know what all you ladies mean....I got one of those too!  BF uses the excuse not to touch me by saying " I don't want to hurt the baby" HA! yeah right!!! Whatever.... It doesn't really bother me anymore because I am so tired and would rather sleep than have sex.  I know how good I look in the non pregnant state and will get there if it kills me ....but till them I am just enjoying the pampering from all my kids and bf thinking I am very fragile...hehe  Almost feels like a vacation for me!


Delma 22w1d

[stephie4]

I guess, not only being rejected... but the fact that he waited until 8 months to admit to me that that was the problem....

I thought we were closer than that. that we had good communication, and could share anything with eachother... so that was hurting a bit too, knowing he was dishonest. i'm sure he was keeping it in to 'protect' me or something....

i feel better knowing we are all here in the same boat together.  I just worry that he's lost interest all together. and after the baby comes his excuse will be 'i can't do this with the baby in the next room' or something along those lines.

we'll see.
thank you all for your continued support!!!  
stephie

[Tennesseegirl]

azqtpies... girl you are soo right!!
when I had my dd.. he wanted it all the time.. and omg... I had zero sex drive!! infact if he would even touch my boobs.. I would get sooo mad, because those were hers as long as I was breastfeeding.. It was so hard for me to even understand why? blame it on tired?? breastfeeding?? heck.. I just had No desire.
see what we get to look forward to... pay back.. smile

having a baby is so hard on a relationship... but some how ... It really does work out fine.  hang in there steph..

[azqtpies]

I Know exactly how you feel  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I posted almost the same thing during my pg.... my dh said the same thing I felt EXACTLY how you feel. All I heard is that he was afriad to hit the baby or if the baby moved it would freak him out, and I  too caught him just few weeks b4 I delivered on the computer looking at women I TOO WAS crushed was in tears and he said it was nothing, they just dont understand!!!!! but I share your feelings.. though it has been only 3 weeks since I delivered my dh showsa more interest now but he has too what as I has no drive now..ha !!!! to him =) I dont know what it is with men, I know we g et big but we cant help it... step , just know there is so many of us who have experienced t he same thing!@ please no you are not alone and things will turn around! hang in there just enjoy that lil one kicking around! pretty soon  hell be wanting attention and you will be just too tired!

Hugs )))(((((

Kelly

[rukiyar]

All of my brother's are like that I dont know why they are but they are so is my sisters husband and no it is so sad for your feelings as a woman, Society has not allowed us to be beautiful at all costs due to the lack of modesty all around, I feel for you but he was honest and that must have been so hard for him and even harder for you to hear, and what they dont realize is the miraculous feat we accomplish bringing a healthy person in this world one that is half of him!!! Do they really think we like seeing our bodies going Kaput forever in most cases, I dont know where most of those feelings come from but I suspect things like fake behind porn and booty shaking wenches are a large part of the problem, I hope things get better and please dont beat yourself up or lower your self esteem a pregnant woman is an accomplishment of selfness to the max,

[pcarsey]

I think I would have to say it's me that doesn't want sex while pregnant, I just don't feel that sexy! He would like it, but understands that I look at my blah body and can't get into it. He doesn't pressure me at all, which is good. I wish I could say I relate but I can't. I just can't wait til after I have this baby and get some of my body back, maybe I will *feel into it again*.

I bet after you have her he is going to be all over you!! Hang in there, it will turn around!

[montie2]

I know how you feel but I really think this behavior is more the norm than not. This is my second marraige and my third child and both husbands with all three kids were not interested in sex while I was pregnant. Try not to worry about it, all will be back to normal once the baby is here.

[Tanker Chic]

Oh steph my heart goes out to you on this one.  I understand how you feel about moving and being alone. I'm from OK (where I live now) but I have moved many times and I know how difficult it is to make new friends and a new life in a new place.  

As for you and DH, I think things will be okay after the baby comes.  Maybe just try to change the focus for now and then after the baby is here try to add the romance back in.  Too much pressure is only going to make things harder for the both of you.  Try not to internalize it and make it personal. It is a temporary situation.  

I'm really sorry hon.  Right now I'm sure that is the last thing you need on your mind.  
Hannah

[AshleysMom]

Hi there:

So sorry you're hurting.  I think the porn stuff is a bunch of BS.  I'd kill my DH if I caught him looking at skinny, sleazy b1tchez while I'm wearing a moomoo and look like a cow.  (I'm not sure if that's how you spell moomoo, but it should be).

On the flip side, I've been releived that my DH hasn't wanted to BD much.  Total relief since he is usually wanting it like every night, which gets rough after 10 years of marriage. I can't believe that he is still even sexually attracted to me with the way I look.  (We did it the other night.  It was a disaster.  Super uncomfortable and the baby kept kicking).

Like the other ladies say, try not to take the lack of interest too personally.  Lots of men are worried about hurting the baby or setting off pre-term labor.  It's just pretty awkward too as we get further along.

Also, I really think men are just lame when it comes to pregnancy.  For example, my DH has never done anything sweet or acted excited about the baby.  He also thinks it's "creepy" when the baby moves.  I'd take some tender loving care over a romp in the hay at this stage of pregnancy any day!

Hang in there.  We are almost there.

[Michellemom]

Even though he is looking at you in different way now...he has No right to disrespect you with watching that porn trash. It's never ok for a husband to lust after other women,real or not. It's just plain wrong. He should show you more respect than that. He needs to stop being selish and ask how he can show you how  muchhe loves you. He could cuddle with you and show you affection in that way. It's not all about him...you are the mother of HIS child.

Michelle

[Regggie]

Yep, totally normal for some people. My husband who was very excited about the baby told me very early on, one he found out I was Pg, he was our protector, that was the way he saw himself and having sex just wasn't in the deal. He was hands on, feeling the baby, patting me, kissing me and my belly, but as far as what got me into that position......All bets are off till the Dr clears me in 2 more weeks. It's not personal, it's animal instinct for some men. Sometimes, they get past it, sometimes not, but I tried to look at it like this, if I get all upset and make it worse and try to force him into something, would that work for either of us? Nope. Don't make a not so great situation worse for both of you, that won't make it good when the Pg is over. Work to make it that much better when the chance arrives down the road. As for the porn, I am sure I'll get an earful for this, but men are visual creatures if you like it or not, and a little porn isn't an affront to you. Sheesh, when I look at Brad Pitt (Legends of the Fall Pitt), I'm not contemplating leaving my husband....Besides, I'm no Angie. ;) Guys like naked women, it's just a fact.

[poupoune26]

I too, agree with Tenessee..  But I also understand how this is making you feel.  Hang in there, you're almost done.  I'm sure everything will fall into place once the baby comes.  I'm not in your situation but I have a  friend that went through the same thing with her dh last year.  She now has a beautiful baby girl and also, she's got her husband back.  Some men just can't see their wives in the same way when they're carrying their child..it will all come back. Have faith in that.  (((hugs)))

Melanie 33w3d  

[melimeli]

steph.. I don't know if you remember but I posted about the same thing a while back and I was crushed...  I even told my dh a marriage without intimacy is just a good friend.  He also admitted to me that he was not could not get aroused by my pg body..  (he ll looking at myself in the mirror I couldn't either) it still hurts though... He will have relations with me but can never finish himself..  He assures me that after the baby is born and I am back to normal everything will be fine again.. so I am just waiting for that... it makes me feel like sh it when he can't finish so I don't even want it from him...   the other night in the middle of the night (maybe brought on by a dream who knows) he tried to start and I just moved his hand because I know he wont be able to finish and I will just feel like cr ap again... he is very affectionate... spoons with me everynight... gives me a lot of love but just can't give me that... well... I have just come to grips that I will have to wait 5 more weeks until birth... and then god knows how long after until I can get some of this weight off...  I'm sorry honey I know exactly how you feel... I really do....  

[adgal]

I agree with everyword Tenessee said.  Apparantly this is super common.  I am sure he still loves you very much, or he wouldn't be worried about you when you are upset, and he probably wouldn't be overly excited about the baby.  Take care, and make sure you keep talking to him about how you feel.  You guys will get through it.

Good luck to you.

[Tennesseegirl]

your taking it all wrong... some men just really dont want to have the sex..with their pregnant wife.  its like a mental picture of having sex with his mother?? sigman F... ****...Its not right... type of thing.
His mind is in the right setting... hes got the daddys hat on...

sweetie... your taking it personal.. and you shouldnt... you are beautiful in a mothering view right now. not a sex kitten... big diffrence.. Im sorry but there is no way we can turn sex kitten and look good trying.. Hang in there.. It sounds like he is a caring man to even admit that much to you.

look for other things... like the way he looks at you with a smile...
                                 the way he tells you you shouldnt do to much.
                                 the way he brings things to you.
                                 when he wants to take you out to eat.. for your cravings...
IM sure he does things... something like what I have listed..??  hang in there.. It wont be too much longer and you will have your husband back... and the father part will be on the baby...